Everything is Not Relative

Times of Testing

2012-02-11T18:00:00.000-06:00

We have had an unusually warm winter with little precipitation. It’s as though the heavens have closed up leaving the ground parched for water. No appreciable snow, little rain, and it has been this way for several months.

There are times in the spiritual life when the heavens appear to be closed, too, and no responses to prayer seem to come. Or, the Spirit of God seems to be in another universe altogether and we feel bereft of His presence, times when God almost seems to not be listening to us for some reason. When that happens, we’ll take inventory: do I have unconfessed sin? Am I angry at someone? Do I owe someone an apology? We come up with all kinds of reasons why God has seemingly left us alone and on our own.

But God’s silence isn’t necessarily due to anything on our part at all. Scripture says His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. In the Gospel of Luke, the Holy Spirit led Jesus out to the wilderness after He had heard God’s voice from heaven declare, “You are my Son, the Beloved, with You I am well pleased.” (Luke 3:22) It was in wilderness wandering, a place of silence and aloneness that Jesus was tempted by Satan. It was a time of trial and testing for him. This, after a moment of glory.

It is not comfortable to talk about God testing His people, but scripture says He does so. Not so He can see if we will fail. No, the good news is that even when He seems far away, the abiding truth is that we have the Holy Spirit indwelling us. And His power and presence means that just like Jesus, we can be victorious in the times we feel the weakest. Whatever we may face, God will never truly leave us alone and without sufficient strength.

We may feel like God isn’t hearing us or that He is nowhere to be found, but He is near. Scripture says God will never leave us nor forsake us, and that remains true in times of trials. Whatever we are going through, God is there, giving strength and grace so we might move on to greater things in life. So, do not be discouraged if facing difficulties and in the wilderness. Jesus went through the same and is alongside you even now. Faith is the assurance of things not yet seen. It is our hope of coming through stronger and closer to God.

Preparing for Christmas

2011-12-24T13:09:00.003-06:00

It’s Christmas Eve and the tree is trimmed with presents underneath. No last minute shopping for me. I planned well this year. Everything is ready for Christmas morning. But there is a nagging thought that something may have been left undone, something very important.

It occurs to me that maybe I haven’t prepared my heart enough for the coming of the Christ child. Yes, I’ve gone to church through Advent, but have I done anything else to prepare for this celebration and day of awe? I’m not sure I have. I haven’t spent extra time in reading the scriptures or prayer. I haven’t meditated on the amazing gift of God to humankind. In short, I haven’t done things I should have and I feel it keenly now that the day is almost here. I won’t make that same mistake at Easter, my most moving holy day.

God’s grace is such that my failure is not the end of the world. I will receive his grace and will honor the day as it ought to be. We have a family tradition that started when my son was old enough to sit still long enough. My husband always reads the story of the birth of Jesus from the Gospel of Luke before we open presents. Even now that my son is a grown man, he will do it. I hope this is a tradition he will carry on with his family when he has one.

Preparation for Christmas is so much more than decorating and buying gifts. It’s a time of contemplation of what God did when He sent His Son into the world. It’s meditating on the willingness of Jesus to strip Himself of all His privileges and divinity in order to become as one of us, to experience what we do in this life. To be born in the rudest of conditions, seemingly not fit for a king. But it is because of his humble start in life that makes His exaltation just that more great and marvelous.

It’s really not too late for me to ponder those things before the day we celebrate as his birthday. Perhaps I should have been preparing longer, but the God of mercy and grace will accept my sacrifice through the shortened preparation of my heart just the same.

May you have a blessed Christmas tomorrow, remembering with joy the entrance of our Savior into the world into order that all might be saved. Along with the angels, I say hallelujah!

Proclaiming God's Goodness

2011-11-23T19:03:00.000-06:00

I will thank you forever because of what you have done. In the presence of the faithful I will proclaim your name, for it is good. Psalm 52:9.

Twenty-eight years ago at this time, I was a raging alcoholic and drug abuser. I found nothing to be thankful for except the next drink or high. I avoided family gatherings because to have to go without a drink that long was too hard. My life had spiraled out of control and I was dead inside. My life revolved around alcohol and drugs and by that point, partying no longer mattered. I drank and got high alone at home daily if there was nowhere to go. I was hopelessly addicted.

Twenty-eight years ago and before, I had a gone through a string of broken relationships and a long term abusive one. I had attempted suicide twice and spent three weeks in a mental ward in a hospital. I was a cutter and have a bad scar on one of my arms that required stitches. I was filled with self-loathing and had little love for others. I was both a user and used.

But twenty-seven years ago God in his amazing miraculous way suddenly intervened in my life. I was the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector, the demon possessed man rolled into one and one day Jesus walked into my life and asked if I want to be made whole. No, I didn’t see him, and I didn’t hear his voice, but feeling suicidal again, the words, “I don’t want to drink anymore, today I will not drink” greeted me first thing the morning of March 26, 1984. I didn’t know where the thought came from, but I didn’t drink that day. I know now the thought was from the Holy Spirit.

By the next day I had the shakes badly and knew I needed help and found an AA group. It was there that I rediscovered God. Among a group of recovering alcoholics, some pretty worldly, I found they all claimed a Higher Power was keeping them sober. The only God I knew of was the Christian God I had been raised with, so in both terror and abject humility I breathed a prayer that if Jesus would have me I wanted to come back. In that instant, my life was utterly changed and changed forever.

What God did for me was nothing short of miraculous. With his grace I have remained sober and drug free for twenty-seven years and have had a lasting relationship of twenty-four years with my husband, a beautiful son and a successful career. Looking back to where I was before Jesus reached into my heart and began the slow process of transformation, I can only be overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement.

I doubt that I would be alive today if God had not claimed me when he did. I do not understand why he chose me, why he would want such a broken and debased person, but I will rejoice over it and not take lightly his marvelous grace toward me. This Thanksgiving, I am reminded once again that I have much to be grateful for, many blessings to acknowledge and I am doing so as I write this. I pray that all who read this will find at least one thing for which they can thank and praise God.

My church closes every Sunday service by saying, “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.” This Thanksgiving Day, let that be your response to the Lord. He is indeed good to us all the time.

Faith in Prayer

2011-10-09T04:31:00.002-05:00

Three hours of sleep. That is all I have had tonight. I will have to go the next twenty hours on that that amount of rest. And who know how much sleep I will get tomorrow night. I pray more, but I honestly don’t have a lot of hope. I have been praying for years for relief from the chronic insomnia that robs me of energy, alert cognitive abilities, and emotional stability.

I say I have no hope, and yet, I love God, my Savior and Redeemer. I will not be ungrateful for the sleep I am granted. In fact, every morning I make a point of thanking the Lord for the sleep he has given me, however little it may have been. Maybe it’s the hope of ever having my prayer answered with a yes for sleeping a full night’s sleep routinely that I have lost. I still pray, but it is without real faith anymore because I have simply given up. It’s gone on too long and I have grown weary of asking for something that it seems God is not going to grant.

But scripture has something to say about that attitude, something that I need to hear once again and take to heart. Perhaps there are others reading this who also given up hope of ever getting an answer to prayer. God has a word for us:

Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart, saying, “In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man. There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me legal protection from my opponent. For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, ‘Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will [wear me out.’” And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge said; now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:1-8 NASB)

Jesus knows the frailties of the human condition and the tendency we have to lose heart when answers do not readily come. That’s why he spoke that parable to the disciples, to encourage them to not flag in hope and faith in God’s timing. There is a promise within his words that prayer will be answered at some point and it’s our job to keep praying with genuine faith in his reliability and faithfulness to keep his word. So, the ball is in my court. It’s up to me now to allow the Holy Spirit to rekindle the hope within my heart through the hearing of the Word, because that is what it takes to move us from faithless to faith-filled. I’m willing. I am tired of living without hope. It’s time to begin to “cry to him day and night” once again. I want him to find faith in me when he returns.

My Days are Numbered

2011-07-22T14:17:00.001-05:00

I am fighting tears as I write this. Yesterday a young man died at a training camp run by the military academy my son attends. He was only eighteen. Only a week past, a young woman in her twenties who had attended my church died unexpectedly as well. Both deaths were doubly tragic because of the youth of the people who died.

That death is a part of the human experience is a given, but when it touches us in abrupt ways, it somehow seems a more terrible burden of grief to bear. Parents expect to outlive their children, not bury them. My heart goes out to the grieving parents of these two young people while at the same time trembles with a measure of fear that perhaps I, too, could face the same agony if my son were to ever give the ultimate sacrifice for his country.

People have to face the reality of death whether or not they want to. God has allotted to all a certain number of days on this earth and then we are called to an afterlife, regardless of what we believe. Death, especially when it takes the young and vibrant, seems to make life meaningless at first glance. All our dreams and efforts are for naught when death takes us away from all we have known and loved.

But for Christians death is cast in a different light altogether. Scripture says we do not grieve as the world without hope grieves. Because Jesus died and rose again, we have hope, too, of a resurrection and a new life that will no longer include death and tears: just as was written, “O death where is your sting?” We have sorrow and suffering now at times, but the God of all grace, peace and love comforts us with the hope of spending eternity in his presence and in joyful union with loved ones who have gone on before us.

Lives cut short are not in vain. I don’t have the answer as to why God calls some home so soon, but his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. For the time they were here, those two who died left their mark on the lives of those around them. Their light shone for but a brief moment, but it was bright. I think it’s time for me to stop and take a hard look at how bright my light is shining. To remember I don’t know when I will face death. As David said, Lord, teach me to number my days.

Waiting for God

2011-06-08T11:36:00.002-05:00

I have not kept up with this blog and I have been remiss about it. It’s not that I am too busy or no longer interested in blogging. It’s because I have been suffering from the lack of sleep for sometime now and it has affected my cognitive abilities. In other words, I have had a hard time thinking and trying to put any words together in writing, but I need to try and trying I am.

I have been locked in a battle with my insurance company over trying to get a prescription filled that will help me sleep. It has been weeks and it seems I am making little headway. I am fighting for something I need and it’s been hard going.

Our spiritual life can feel like that at times. I sometimes feel as though I am battling God for things I need. The answers to prayer for urgent needs are not forthcoming and it can be baffling and frustrating. But it isn’t that God is uncaring about my plight. Scripture says He is mindful of us and hears our pleas. When the Israelites cried out in their bondage, God heard and took care of their need, but He did not answer immediately. They had to wait four hundred years for the day of freedom, and that begs the question, “why”?

I don’t think there is one answer to that question. God is inscrutable and His ways and thoughts are not like ours. What I do know is that He seeks for us to trust and be patient, to believe He hears, cares and will answer in due time. In the parable of the woman who daily sought redress from the judge for her need, Jesus taught us to pray and keep praying, because our Father hears and will give us what we need when the time is right.

I don’t pretend to fully understand the answer to this dilemma, but I do know that I have a loving Father who knows I am struggling. He is very aware and will give me what I need at the right time. Until then, I need to be patient and grateful for the grace He extends to help me during the wait. He will come through for me, of this I am certain. It is His very character that is the assurance that He loves and cares for us in our times of need. The answer is coming. I just need to keep the faith.

When Winter Hurts

2011-01-29T13:57:00.002-06:00

It is the bleak mid-winter as a very old song goes. The time when everything lies in a deep freeze and the sun often is often hidden from our view. It’s a time when some people fall into deep depression and are sometimes even suicidal. It’s for those I want to speak. They need a voice because it’s easy to just tell them to buck up: “this too shall pass”.

I would venture to say that many of those who are depressed are struggling to keep it hidden. Their words are “okay” when asked how they are doing, but their actions deny it. And there are those who cannot function at all, their condition being too severe. For those who are depressed, words like : “this too shall pass” or something similar provide no help or comfort at all. In fact, they hurt. They are dismissive and for many simply untrue without medical intervention. Depression is a terrible state of mind and can lead to serious consequences.

For those who are depressed and need encouragement and hope, just letting them you are aware they are feeling down and that you care about them is one way of giving support. Ask them if there is anything you can do for them, and if you know them well, ask if they have considered seeing a doctor because that is really what they need to do. Yes, winter will go away, and there are those who will get better and no longer need medication, but depression is a serious illness that needs attention.

Telling someone that depression will just pass is like playing with fire. You don’t know if it will cause a larger fire to take hold and burn something greater. So with depression, you don’t know if it could lead to suicidal ideation and someone actually taking their life. Don’t take it that to mean every case of depression will lead to that because those are the minority. But don’t dismiss those who are suffering with depression. They are in pain.

For those of the faith, encourage them to stay connected with their brothers and sisters, encourage them to continue to go to church. Encourage them to keep reading the bible and praying. And above all, be their friend. Be willing to be there and spend time with them. They need to know that people love them even when they are down. They may choose to isolate, but be there when they do reach out.

How do I know all this? Because I have been there, I have experienced the pain of depression. I spent months in a place of deep despair before getting the help I needed. I wish I had gone sooner. I simply could not take anymore and was feeling suicidal. Those dark days are over thanks to medication. So, remember in prayer those in your life who may have depression and reach out to them with words of compassion. Let them know you care and understand they hurt. God knows and has compassion beyond ours. Follow him and let him guide you as you offer help and hope to those who struggle.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T12:23:00.001-06:00

It’s Christmas Eve and I am ready for tomorrow. The tree is trimmed, presents are wrapped, my part of the dinner complete. All is ready to go. I am also ready for our family tradition that we have followed since Matthew was about three years old; old enough to begin sitting still to hear a story, so we began reading a story each Christmas before we did anything else.

The story isn’t a long one, and not complicated so a little one can follow it easily. And it’s found in the home of Christians, and some non Christians, actually. Every Christmas, Will gets a bible and looks up the book of Luke, second chapter, and reads the story of the coming and birth of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t take very long at all, and we sit quietly and listen to the words he reads, letting our hearts pause and wonder over what God did, the miracle of what happened over 2,000 years ago.

The giving of gifts, the traditional cinnamon rolls and other traditions and activities that follow are fun and we have a joyous day. But of all we observe and do on the holy day of Christmas, that pause, that sacred time we share as a family is the most meaningful of all.

My precious son maybe in faraway places after next year and the tradition won’t be complete unless by some miracle he will be able to be home. The Army will determine where he will spend his Christmases from now on. Even now tears are falling and it is hard to type. But it is my prayer and hope that wherever he is, he might think about opening his bible and reading the story about his Savior’s birth, and that in the future when he has his own family, he will carry on the tradition.

I hope each family will take time to remember as they gather around the table to pray grace, to thank God for that as well as the food. It’s easy to over look that in the hustle and bustle of the day’s activities. Make a tradition something to remember the miracle of the incarnation as a part of your Christmas celebration.

May this Christmas be blessed and filled with you for all.

A Peaceful and Joyful Advent

2010-12-05T15:21:00.000-06:00

It’s Christmas time and this year I am amazingly not depressed, at least not yet, and hopefully that caveat will not be prophetic. The holidays have always triggered the depressive side of the bipolar and I have always struggled to keep a smile on my face and act jolly like all the rest of the season’s revelers. This past year has been markedly stable thanks to medications that have finally been fine tuned. There have been some rough patches along the way, but for the most part, I can look back and be thankful for the overall balance I have experienced.

Even church has been good. In the past it has always been a place of stress and not a place of joy and refuge. All the extra demands of the season create anxiety instead of peace, stress and not joy. It’s the same with family gatherings. I love my family, but they are not easy to be with. While I was somewhat down at Thanksgiving over Matthew’s absence, I found the time with them to be a little less stressful than in the past.

I have been thinking about why this is the case. Yes, much of it is due to medications. I am so grateful I live in an age where medicine has advanced to the point that it has and there are treatments available now that truly help. I thank the One who has given us the creativity to invent those medicines and cause them to work.

But the whole of it is because of the Prince of Peace whom this season is all about. God is merciful and loving beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. It is his abounding grace that has given me the peace I have earnestly sought. It is the peace of Jesus, the peace that passes all understanding that has entered my heart this Christmas.

The Spirit of Christ lives within each believer and brings the fruit of peace and joy, but I don’t always manifest them in my life. But God in his great wonderful mercy extends his grace and touches us in unexpected ways at unpredictable times. He doesn’t announce himself, the Spirit just moves and we are moved along with him.

This Advent season, I hope I will continue to anticipate his coming into my life once again in a new and fresh way. The angels proclaimed the good news about the birth of Jesus and expressed great joy on behalf of mankind. I will join in this year remembering that he came for me. That alone should bring peace and joy.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2010-11-25T13:33:00.000-06:00

It’s Thanksgiving Day and like most people I know, my family will be gathering together to enjoy a meal celebrating the day we set aside to give thanks for the things we are grateful for. We will go around the table and each one of us will say something we are grateful for. Every year I wrestle with it and always end up saying “friends and family” because it sounds good and you can’t go wrong with it even if the last three people used it. I could say I am thankful for my job, which I am, but one of my family members is unemployed and that would be like adding insult to injury.

I could say I am thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for me, but that would be way too preachy to a brother-in-law who has been taking baby steps for years toward God and for whom I pray like the dickens. The last thing I want to do right now is drive a wedge in between them. But, though I have an infinite number of things for which I am grateful, including friends, family and Jesus, I am also grateful for something I had kind of forgotten about until recently when an opportunity came to be a guest speaker at an AA meeting.

I admit it’s been a while since I was last at an AA meeting. I have no excuses. I guess it’s because the desire to drink left so long ago I think I don’t need them. But out of the blue, an AA friend from years ago called us and asked if we would be speakers for a month long 12 steps panel meeting. I agreed, then realized the terrible truth, I no longer remembered them. It had been so long since I read my big book or been to meetings that I had forgotten the 12 steps that saved my life.

Quickly reviewing them each week before I spoke stirred up memoires for me and I was able to share my experiences about working the steps. I succeeded in doing what I had been asked to do and a funny thing happened to me. I realized how much I missed AA meetings. And I realized just how much my life has changed over the years because of AA and not drinking. The life I lead now is radically differently than the life I once led. I would not trade my worst day now for the best day I had then. I am filled with gratitude beyond words for the life God has so graciously given me. His plan is amazing!

I know what I am going to say today. I will say I am thankful for family and friends, but I am also going to say I am grateful that the life I lead today is not the life I once led. It may leave them scratching their heads, but I will say it because it’s true. I am grateful that God stepped into my life 26 years ago and saved me from certain death from addiction and I have never been the same. It is Happy Thanksgiving!

The Dry Spell

2010-09-19T14:49:00.000-05:00

It has been a very long time since I last posted, too long. My goal is to post twice a month, but July and August came and went and I was silent. I can’t give a reason for it. I don’t have one. Sometimes, I just don’t have anything worthwhile to say. I hope that isn’t the case today.

I am in a dry season in my walk with God. I am doing what I need to be doing, but it feels like I am just going through the motions. I have been in this place before. It’s not a fun place to be. Nothing seems to excite me all that much. We have new co-pastors at my church and while I am really happy about it, all the same, I feel a spiritual blank.

I don’t like this place. It feels like my prayers are only going as high as the ceiling and then bouncing back down, never reaching the throne of grace. They seem to go unheard and unanswered. I feel bad for those for whom I pray because my prayers aren’t helping them at all. God is too far away to hear them. I don’t know where He has gone, but He’s nowhere near me. It’s a hopeless place to be.

It’s how I feel, but is it the truth? I am a very emotional person who tends to go by feelings rather than logic. It’s just how I am wired, but a wise woman once told me that when it comes to my faith sometimes it’s better to use my head rather than my heart. She is often right and this is a time when I have to do that very thing.

The truth is God has not disappeared and left me behind. He is still present and accounted for. Nothing has changed about Him. How do I know? Because in Joshua 1:5 it says, “I will not fail you nor forsake you” There are other books of the bible that convey the same message. If I use my head rather than my feelings in this instance, I can believe that even though He feels so far away, He is nearby, the Holy Spirit never leaving me.

I don’t know how long I will be in this place, but I can remind myself that God has not abandoned me. I am not cut off. I am not alone. It may feel like it, but the truth will keep me while I am in this place. This time of testing will grow my faith soon I will feel His presence once again.

Needing a Makeover?

2010-07-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

As I write this my living room is being painted. The kitchen is finished and it looks great. I got a bit of a rush when I walked in there this morning. It is a totally different room. It’s brighter and more inviting. It’s just as I had envisioned and it makes me feel brighter, too.

How we look to the world around us matters. Just as my walls needed a makeover, sometimes we need a makeover, too. It is important how we present ourselves to those we encounter. I’m not talking about changing clothes, though modesty should be considered when in public view. I am talking about our outward attitude as we show ourselves to the world, what people see.

I am guilty of showing a bad attitude at times. I just get up on the wrong side of the bed and my general deportment is one of irritability. I complain and am short with people. My coworkers know I am a Christian and they are judging me all the time. But the real judgment is of Christ. I am his representative on earth. They see him through me and sometimes it isn’t pretty.

I have a choice each day as to how I will look in the presence of others. There are times when how we look is very hard to control. Pain and suffering from circumstances overwhelm us and smiles do not come readily. I do not speak to that. I speak of the normal day to day attitudes we have, the ones we really can choose to exhibit. The truth is I can choose to go with a bad attitude, or I can pray and make the real effort to put a smile on my face. When I make the effort to try and be pleasant I find that a better attitude will always follow. There is a total makeover.

Today I am feeling good and it shows, but tomorrow could be a whole different story. I will have to make a choice as to whether I let a negative attitude rule the day, or ask for grace and go with the positive. I really need a makeover now and then because people are watching. So, I will put on the garment of praise and be sure the Jesus seen in me will be one of love, joy and peace, because it matters.

Let Freedom Ring

2010-06-30T15:54:00.001-05:00

I posted this last year, but I went back, reread it, and felt I should post it again for this year. I hope everyone is grateful on the 4th for the freedoms we all too often take for granted. God has been good to America.

It’s Independence Day and to be honest, I’m not all that excited. As a child, the 4th of July was next to Christmas and birthdays in terms of anticipation. I could barely contain my enthusiasm for firecrackers, bottle rockets and sparklers. Every year I’d get burned a bit by careless handling of punks and sparks from the sparklers inevitably caught some skin, but nothing that a wild tomboy couldn’t deal with. I was too engrossed with blowing up things to care about a burn or two.

Though my “adultness” keeps me from too much excitement, the fact is if handed some firecrackers, I’d be looking for an empty tin can to blow into the air. There is something about blowing things up that appeals to some lower nature in me. I don’t know whether or not that is something I should confess, but it’s on paper now. So as I sip a cup of coffee and listen to the sounds of fireworks going off in my neighborhood, I cannot help but remember the Independence Days of my childhood.

As a kid, I knew the hoopla was a celebration of the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I had to know that much to make it through school. There was always rousing band music and flags waving, and of course, fireworks. It was a time when I was in awe of uniforms and ceremony and very proud that I could say my dad was in the Air Force. It was a childish patriotism, but everyone felt that way. I was surrounded by people who revered the flag and all the protocol that is entailed when handling it. The flag was almost holy. Each school morning, we’d face the flag, put our right hands over our hearts and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I could recite it along with the Lord’s Prayer. The two may have been the same in my understanding. Somehow, God seemed American to me and the USA was the best country in the world.

A lot has changed in the world from the years when I was busily blowing up things. I’ve learned that the flag is not sacred, the Pledge of Allegiance causes controversy, and the USA is not liked by many. And God is not an American. Never was. I am though. In spite of questionable leadership and corrupt government, injustice and inequality, racism and violence, there is still something that causes me to choke back tears when I hear the national anthem. Maybe it’s just a conditioned response, but I doubt it. I can see that with all its many flaws, America is still blessed with much good: abundant resources, wealth, opportunity, and countless generous and caring people. I may not always like how my government acts, but I live in a nation where I can say that and not fear.

So maybe I was wrong to say I’m not too excited today. I am an American. I am proud that I was an Air Force brat, that my father served his country for 25 years. I am proud that my son is a cadet at West Point and serves his country in the military. I am proud that my husband is a Vietnam veteran. I am proud of the young men and women serving overseas in harm’s way. But I am also proud to be in a land where people serve others everyday in soup kitchens and missions; of those who work for justice and equality; of teachers in classrooms; police officers and firefighters; honest government employees; and all the ordinary folks who get up, go to work, pay taxes, give to their churches and drop money in the Salvation Army buckets each December. I live in a nation where creativity is allowed to flourish and dissension is permitted. I live in a country where people from all walks of faith may gather and worship freely. I live in America and I’m proud of it. And it’s all because some very brave people put pen to paper over two hundred thirty years ago and began a grand experiment in democracy and freedom.

I guess I am excited after all.

Trusting Through Trials

2010-06-25T12:33:00.003-05:00

It’s been a while since I posted, which bothers me because I want to be consistent with posting at least twice a month. Writer’s block. It happens now and then and it is frustrating for me. I try to write, but inspiration doesn’t come readily, so this may be a bit stilted.

I have several people in my life who are in need of a lot of prayer right now and I have been praying daily for them. I have been praying hard because I am passionate about their needs being resolved. But nothing seems to be happening and they continue to suffer. God seems to be doing nothing to lift their burdens and I have reached the point where I am questioning why He is so far away and doing nothing for them. In fact, I am a little angry about it. I am beseeching Him and have others praying. Nothing.

There are times when God seems to leave our prayers unanswered. We are left with burdens and circumstances that are difficult to cope with. Sometimes trials are heartbreaking and painful and we cry out for help, but are left to deal with things on our own. I think I am not alone when it comes to questioning God and even getting angry with Him. His silence and inaction are unfathomable.

But is He really ignoring our prayers? Scripture makes it clear that God always listens to our prayers, no matter what we say and how we say it. The question really is why He allows circumstances to continue, sometimes for long periods. I am no theologian, but I think I have at least a partial understanding of what He is doing. I believe He is preparing the answer for us that will come at the designated time. When and where that will happen, we do not know, but in the meantime He allows trials to shape us, to mold us to be more like Jesus in becoming stronger, more patient and more compassionate.

Trials are painful and we want them to end immediately, but we must allow the time it takes for the desired result to be made permanent. God’s wisdom and actions are unknowable for now. We have to continue to believe in His goodness and love toward us. Learning to trust Him is the ultimate goal, to believe He has our best interest at heart. When I get angry it’s because I have yet to gain that understanding.

I know I will have to go through trials as I walk on the earth. Jesus faced them in His time on earth. God allows them for us, too, because the servant is not greater than the Master, but like the Master we will be in the end. I will continue to plead for my friends because prayer is never wasted, but I will have to understand that God answers prayer in His time and in His way. All I can do is trust.

Suffering in Life

2010-04-27T12:38:00.001-05:00

I am writing this with a brain that has been sleep deprived for a week now and I did not sleep a wink last night. I was just not able to function at work, not even the most basic of my job duties, and my psychiatrist wants me to take a couple days off while we try a new medication and to somehow get the rest I desperately need. I have a job and a boss that permits me to do just that, so I am home writing a blog entry that may not make any sense.

I have been trying to stay as positive as I can be which isn’t easy. What little sleep I get I have been saying thank you to God for, rather than complaining to him. It’s been a challenge to do so because I feel terrible. I don’t understand why this is a condition I live with that so adversely affects me.

I don’t understand much about suffering, in fact, I don’t understand it all. I know people personally who suffer so much more than I do with my bipolar disorder. As bad as I feel, I know there are millions more whose lives are so much more challenging than mine. They are suffering far worse and I don’t know why God permits it.

The bible records the questioning of Job, a man who suffered some of the worst anguish a person can experience and he started out like me, trying to honor God in the midst of his suffering. But he finally reached his breaking point and began questioning God, demanding an answer. I have read it multiple times and each time I come away with the feeling that God really doesn’t answer his question directly. But God does indeed answer.

The answer to Job’s questioning was a rebuke couched in a declaration of God’s greatness and sovereignty. Simply said, God is the Creator and Ruler of all things and what he chooses to permit is his divine right and we are not given insight into his thinking in the life we now live. Revelation will come when we see him face to face.

In the meantime, the way we are to cope with suffering is to reach out with love, compassion and practical help to those who suffer. Encouraging and aiding in any way that we can by the giving of our lives, our grace and our resources. It is not easy to be an encourager when you are the one suffering and sometimes we are called on to do just that. Other times we are the ones to receive.

While I don’t really understand suffering, I can trust God’s goodness. I can continue to offer up thanks for what he has given me. God does not overlook the suffering of his children and in time when we see him, we will receive what is precious beyond all understanding. What that is we do not know, but it is a sure promise. So let’s be about the ministry of God and trust him to sort it all out in the end. God is good all the time.

Blessings in Abundance

2010-04-17T13:52:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday and it’s all I could ask for: a beautiful day of sunshine and perfect temperature. I just came home from shopping and updated my wardrobe which was sorely needed. My husband chauffeured me around and we will go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. I couldn’t ask for a better day.

As I write this I realize how very blessed I truly am. I have been thanking God all day in my heart for another year of life, and one that I can look back on and feel pretty good about. But I also need to thank him for the very fact that I was able to go shopping and spend the money I did. I am blessed with a job when many others are not. I am blessed with a house when there are literally at least a million people or more who are living either in tents or out in the elements because of natural disaster or war.

I am blessed with clean water to shower in, let alone drink, when so many have to haul water daily and it’s not even clean, so illnesses that are preventable are rampant. I am blessed with a healthy body when so many live with illness and conditions which incapacitate. I did nothing to be blessed like I am. It has been given to me.

I ask myself why? Why me? All that comes to mind is the scripture verse that says to whom much is given, much is expected in return. All that I have was not given to me just to enjoy myself. God has given me what he has and expects me to give in return. I confess I have not done as much as I ought. There are many ways I could be volunteering, but I haven’t done much in that regard. There are needs in the community where I live. I do write checks for causes, but I could do without some of the things I enjoy in order to give more. I pray, but I could spend much more time in prayer for the needs of others.

God has blessed many people in this world, and some give generously in numerous ways, and some hoard it for themselves. In the end, there will be an accounting. It will be based on to whom much is given, much will be expected. I don’t want to hang my head in shame for all the ways I could have given but did not. If God grants me another year, I plan to spend it differently than in the past. God willing, the blessings he has bestowed on me will not be squandered, but spent wisely, pleasing him and helping others.

Doing My Laundry

2010-03-15T14:10:00.003-05:00

I am writing this in my pajamas because I have no clean jeans to wear and have to wait on my laundry to finish before I go public. I really should have done some before now instead of letting it all pile up, but I just let it go and now I am stuck and errands I need to run are being delayed.

It can be like that with our spiritual lives as well. We can let sins and attitudes build up without taking proper steps to deal with them immediately. We hang onto certain sins because they are pleasurable rather than taking them to God and seeking help to overcome them. There are always consequences when we don’t let go of sins and negative attitudes in whatever fashion they may come. Losing the sense of closeness to God and to others is first and foremost, and our sense of well-being is lost. We do harm to others, too, in our reluctance to deal with sin right away. Racism is one example of the consequence of harboring sin, so are violence and infidelity and a thousand other consequences, big and small.

I could make an endless list, but that is not what this is about. It is about letting sins pile up and then expecting no negative consequences. When Jesus walked among us, he repeatedly said to repent because the Kingdom of God was at hand. But he knew that it would be impossible for us to do that without help, so God provided it in the form of the Holy Spirit. The death and resurrection of Christ made the way for salvation and opened our hearts for the presence of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is our Motivator to deal with sin, but we sometimes ignore the promptings to our peril, be it little or great.

My laundry is just an inconvenience in the big picture of life, but it is a reminder to me to not let the more important things go as if it doesn’t matter. It does and I would do well to heed the lesson. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I will bring my sins and negative attitudes to God for forgiveness promptly and not let them pile up. Jesus paid the price so I could do just that, so it’s time now to get my spiritual laundry taken care of.

The Guilt Trap

2010-03-08T13:26:00.005-06:00

I am home today having taken a day of sick leave. I rarely take one, mainly because I am a healthy person, but also because I feel guilty when I do. I always have. I have earned a lot of sick days and should use them if I need to, but I just feel guilty when I do.

Sometimes I can feel guilt over other things that I really shouldn’t. Things for which scripture says I no longer need to. Guilt that is misplaced and unnecessary and I know I am not alone. Christians sometimes feel guilt when they should not.

Guilt is a form of bondage that holds us hostage and interferes with our spiritual lives and our emotions. I feel guilty when I sin, but that is a proper guilt and I rush to ask forgiveness, but guilt should stop then and there. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I cannot let go of the feeling regardless of what scripture says. I tend to view sin as having differing levels in my life and God will judge them accordingly. Some sins are worse than others and the more I think about a sin, the greater the guilt. I think others feel that way, too, at times.

What we forget is that our sins were judged at the cross and have been forever stricken from the book of our lives. Only what we do now for Jesus matters. Guilt over what has been forgiven interferes with our communion with God and causes an emotional response that depresses and can even induce fear. We get trapped in it so easily, living with guilt that is no longer our due. God must grieve over it, knowing he has done all so we could live free from its torment and bondage.

When in that place, I talk to other believers who can extend God’s grace to me, to be accepting of me so I can accept that God has truly forgiven and there is no record of my wrongs. The pain of guilt is real and I find when others stand in for God and extend the grace needed it eases the pain.

Just as Jesus was the face of God when he was here, so too, are believers. As his representatives, we have the power to offer God’s grace to our brothers and sisters, and to remind once again that he has forever removed the guilt of our sin. It is done.

Strength in Numbers

2010-03-06T16:59:00.002-06:00

One thing I have not really shared about is my fear of crowds. Being with a lot of people in close proximity can induce a panicky response. I simply cannot be in those situations if at all possible. When there are a lot of people in the building I work in, I feel anxious. I get anxious when I go to the grocery store because it is a rather confined space with a lot of people. My husband goes with me. When he is with me, I don’t have that feeling most of the time. I think I feel that things are under control and will be okay. I also have medication for panic.

The presence of the Holy Spirit is really at work in this. It is his presence that I sense through my husband. Would it be better if I could just go it alone without the panic? Probably so, but there is a lesson in this. God doesn’t intend for us to be Lone Rangers when it comes to our spiritual life. The bible says that it’s better for two to be together because if one falls down, the other is there to pick him up. Jesus sent the disciples out in pairs. There was a need for them to be together and not be on their own.

There is indeed strength in numbers because we all have differing capacities and gifts. Where one is weak, the other is strong, and we all have our weaknesses both physical and spiritual. Sometimes we cannot pray as we need to, others are there to pick up the slack. Sometimes a difficult decision needs to be made and others are there to counsel us. Simply put, we need each other to walk through this world we temporarily abide in, too much is at stake.

I don’t know if my fear of crowds will ever go away, but God has made provision for me and he has made provision for all his children to compensate for our weaknesses. He has done so by giving us each other. The body of Christ is beautiful, peopled by those who love Jesus and seek to be like him, growing together in grace. Like it says in the song Jesus Loves me, I am weak, but he is strong, and he makes his strength present to us as the Holy Spirit shows himself through all.

The Pruning Process

2010-02-02T12:38:00.000-06:00

I have houseplants, I think most people do. I’ve always had them because they brighten the atmosphere with their life, something lovely living with me. They of course require care; they are totally dependent on me. They let me know when they need water by their drooping leaves and then I take care of their need.

One thing I also take note of is dead leaves. They need pruning and I am faithful to do that when I become aware of them. They spoil the loveliness of the plants and I want to see them look their best, to bring beauty into the room where they are placed.

Like the plants, we need pruning, too. Just as I see the need and prune, God takes note of the things, attitudes and behaviors in our lives that diminish the beauty he has created. I really don’t know if my plants sense that I am pruning them, but I can recognize when I am being pruned, because it can sometimes be painful when he cuts away the things that mar and impede his presence. The face and attitudes we show the world need to be real, genuinely Christ-like: his love, grace and mercy. He diligently cuts away the dead way of living, the things we cling to that cause us to stumble.

My plants don’t have a choice when I prune them and neither do we, but the end result is worth it. The loveliness is restored for awhile. I say for awhile because more pruning will be necessary, and so it is with us. Until the day we are called home, the pruning process will continue and we should be glad for that. We are slowly being transformed and the final result will be endless beauty.

Pruning is not pleasant, but it is necessary. When you feel the pain of things being stripped away, remind yourself that you are becoming more as Jesus was when he walked among us and becoming more as he is now as well, to which we should say, “prune away, prune away.”

Simple Support

2010-01-31T17:25:00.001-06:00

As I write this, I am sick. I don’t know what I am sick with, but I have some sort of crud, and I feel pretty crummy. I won’t go into details because sick talk is not permissible with many. It makes us uncomfortable somehow, but it shouldn’t because there are those ill who need their brothers and sisters in Christ to help them walk with the burden of illness that goes beyond the basic sickness I have today.

Some of my close friends have major illnesses and if I had not been open to hearing, they would be without my support. Cancer and other catastrophic illnesses are hard to hear about for those who do not face such giants in their lives, but not as hard as it is to hear those words when you are the one being diagnosed. Perhaps in some parts of society talking about illness is unacceptable, but among those in the body of Christ, that should never be the case.

Those who call themselves Christians should always have open arms, open minds and hearts for those who have serious illnesses. To hear the word cancer is frightening for the one diagnosed as well as the ones who love them. To have to talk about it is awkward at first. “I’m so sorry, I will pray for you,” seems terribly inadequate, but saying those words is a start to being a support system for those whose lives have just been upended by an unexpected and unwelcome diagnosis. Those who are facing difficult battles seek support, sometimes with desperation, and knowing prayer is being offered can be a balm for troubled and fearful hearts. Greater support can be offered as we talk about the illness and how it is affecting the one with it. But we have to be willing to talk about it and not shy away. Sometimes, the greatest support comes in the form of a listening ear.

I may be feeling poorly today, but I know there are those just within my immediate circle who are facing illness that isn’t going to go away in a couple of days. I want to be there for them. Maybe all I am able to do is pray, but that is no small thing in the eyes of God who tags us to come to the side of those in distress and hold them up, to be the support they need to cope with the previously unimaginable.

It goes with being a Christian. It’s called love.

The Winters of Our Lives

2010-01-22T12:56:00.001-06:00

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

The words to the old hymn are so true, winter feels endless right now, and for some, their emotional state is bleak. I feel that way at times. The frequent absence of the sun and the cold winds bring me down. I long for spring to come and end this bleak season.

We have seasons in our lives as well and spiritual winters come to us. For reasons unknown, God ordains seasons in our lives and in the winters, the presence of God is absent and we feel abandoned, at least I do. God seems more than a million miles away, I wonder if he is even in the same universe.

But the truth is God has gone no where, his “hibernation” is only temporary to cause us to seek him with passion and fervor. There have been times when I have literally cried my prayers during my winters. It’s a passionate seeking of him, a deep desire to regain seemingly lost communion with him.

Jesus felt abandoned on the cross. It was a winter far beyond what we ever go through. But the result was a promise of an endless summer of his presence, of our beauty and glory because of his death and resurrection, an eternal end to the winters in our lives.

Life will go through a continual cycle until his return for us. We will have bleak winters and summers of abounding joy and growth. But he never abandons us, he is always there, and the promise of his everlasting presence is sure. Look forward to spring. It’s coming and again, we will grow and flourish as the hibernation of his presence ends and joy is ours once more.

The Measuring of a Year

2009-12-28T19:00:00.001-06:00

This past year I have had significant events in my life. A dear friend moved out of state, a long way out of state. I never get to see her anymore and it’s left a void. Some serious instability from bipolar wreaked havoc for several months. Work has been very stressful and demanding with a hiring freeze that has left us shorthanded and having to pick up the slack.

I know I am not alone in feeling the effects of the personal events of the past year. Some have had to cope with major illness, some have lost loved ones, and some have lost jobs. The list could go on. This past year has been difficult for many and knowing how to view it all is unclear sometimes.

Some people tend to look at their lives through a distorted lens and only see what went wrong, the bad events, the failures, the loss. It’s easy to miss the good when so much bad has happened, and understandably so. But there can be a pattern of seeing only the negative rather than the positive, to judge our lives by what is lacking rather than what we have and the potential that is present. I will admit I can be one of those. But in order to correctly assess this past year, I need to see with a lens that allows clear vision, undistorted by past sins and failures.

The only means I can use to correctly assess my life is the one God has given, the Bible. It is an accurate measuring stick by which I am able to determine whether or not my life was well lived this past year. But even beyond that, the Holy Spirit provides the insight and the comfort, because both are needed. Only God can see clearly to judge our lives rightly. How we measure up for this past year is really best left to his determination. While he may chasten, more often than not he comforts us because we are often harder on ourselves than he. His expectations are realistic.

God understands the weaknesses I have, he knows the circumstances that I have faced and challenged me this past year. He is very aware of my failures, yes, but he is equally aware of my successes and rejoices in them. I can rest in the knowledge that he will judge my days fairly and help me be ready for the coming year. Regardless of this past year’s mistakes and stumbling, regardless of what difficulties I may currently face in my life, his Spirit is daily keeping me moving ahead into another year of possibilities. Hope is found in him for the erasing of past sins and hope is found in him for the future.

A new year is coming and I know that the tradition of making resolutions is pressing, but this year I will let life unfold and allow the Spirit to do his work in me. Whether I find good in the coming year or pain, in either one God will be present and in that I can take comfort.

The True Meaning of Christmas

2009-12-24T21:46:00.000-06:00

It is Christmas Day and all around the world, families are gathered to share in gift giving and special meals, of time together as they celebrate the day. But I am reminded that there are many who are alone today, many who are homeless, and some who cannot give gifts because they are too poor. And there are those who cannot celebrate openly because of persecution.

Some cannot celebrate because of anguish of heart and mind. The joys of the season are lost on them because they are too depressed or suffer from another form of mental illness. They are those whose lives are tenuous at best, who have lost all hope of a life that is free of pain, a terrible kind of pain that isn’t fixed with a band-aid. For them, Christmas is not a time of peace on earth, goodwill toward all.

Some have awakened to the same hunger pangs they went to sleep with. They struggle for water and shelter along with the relentless striving for enough food to stay alive, to feed children whose bellies are swollen from endless deprivation. There are children raising children because their parents are dead from AIDS, or because they are caught up in the lifestyle of poverty and gangs and meaningless living.

Not everyone is celebrating the birth of Christ today.

In the midst of the tearing of wrapping paper and the carving of hams and turkeys, set aside time to remember those members of humanity who suffer today for a myriad of reasons. Take a moment to remember them in prayer and thank God for the blessings of the day, then consider how you will spend your days in the coming year. For me? It will be to spend less time thinking of me and more time thinking of others, and then to match those thoughts with actions.

Today, I celebrate the birth of the Savior along with millions around the world and I pray that his life in me will not be in vain. That just as his birth was the beginning of a new age for the world, it will also be the beginning of a new attitude in me: that I have the same heart for the lost and hurting of the world as him. It’s what Christmas is all about.

Loving Wounded Souls

2009-12-19T14:53:00.000-06:00

I am counting down the days to Christmas, less than a week now. I’ve managed to get my shopping done, all of it online so I did not have to go out into crowds. I do not do well in crowds of people. I have my husband go with me to the grocery store because I find it very stressful. I was once trapped in the middle of an extremely large crowd in a way that I would have been trampled to death if something happened. It was so tight that I was literally lifted off my feet and moving wherever the crowed moved. I had a panic attack and have never been able to do crowds every since.

Why that story? It’s an experience of trauma that has affected me in a negative way, in a long lasting way. Some may think I should just get over it. Believe me, I have tried, but it just stays with me and I’m not sure I will ever get over it. But it’s a minor trauma in comparison to other events in people’s lives which have life long, life changing effect.

I know a few women who were sexually abused and one who was raped. That kind of trauma doesn’t just go away with time. It never is healed in a way that takes all fear out of their hearts and minds. It has forever changed them. Those who have served in the military, been in wars and seen terrible things have those memories haunting them all their lives. Some cope better than others. They all are never the same as they were before the experience. It has life long effect.

There are no easy fixes for such brokenness. There is no magic wand to wave over wounded people, no pep talk able to lift their spirits, no human formulated balm for their scars. But there is the way of love, gentle sweet love that penetrates to the deepest places of pain, though it may take a very long time to reach those places. That is where human kindness and grace comes into play.

Those who’ve never experienced terrible wounding events are sometimes impatient with the walking wounded. They expect them to get over it and get on with their lives. That short sighted attitude just adds to the pain of those who have been traumatized. I know with some other more serious wounding in my life, I’ve been told that if I just had more faith I’d be healed. Instead of comforting me, it made me feel like I was a failure as a Christian and actually made God seem impatient with me as well. It just added to my pain.

The fact is God is infinitely patient with us, and tender toward those who hurt and are beyond the healing efforts of humans. He sees the deepest place in the heart and gently pours love and grace on the wounds. He knows it could take a lifetime, but he’s patient knowing in the end, there will be peace.

Christians need to do the same in their dealings with the wounded. Not pressuring, not admonishing, not trivializing. Just patiently allowing God to do what he does best and extending grace upon grace. God’s .loving kindness is to be shown in the actions of those who claim the name of Christ. So let God’s love lead to patience and tender heartedness, because your actions and your words make all the difference in the world to the wounded.

All is Well and Ends Well

2009-12-05T14:24:00.000-06:00

It’s getting closer to Christmas and I can feel the depression coming on. Each year I slide into depression around the holidays and I really don’t know why. It used to be terrible. At one time I would get suicidal. Thankfully, I’ve not had those feelings for a while, due to the medication I now take. Nonetheless, every year I get really down.

I know my depression affects those around me adversely. I am not motivated, I tend to cry, though I hide that. I get irritable, and I sleep poorly in spite of the drugs I take to counter it, which only exacerbates everything. All in all, I am not a fun person to be around.

The only thing beyond medications that keeps me from getting worse like I used to is my faith in a God who knows me thoroughly and understands what I do not. His unending love never wanes just because I am depressed. He loves me no matter where I am emotionally. He knows the reasons and he understands the bipolar disorder I live with. And if my faith lessens because of the depression, he holds me tighter in his strong gentle hands. He will not let go.

My vision is dimmed right now, but I can make out a manger with a babe in it and it does bring some comfort. I know I am not forgotten or judged and pushed away. I may have a hard time getting into things right now, but that doesn’t matter one bit to God. All he cares about is my heart and how heavy it can get sometimes. He reminds me of Psalm 23 and the hope that is found there. I will read it and I will pray it and hope its words will sink in. The sadness will lift eventually, and I hope to get back on track. Until then I will remember his love for me and let it keep me because I am unable to do more.

'Tis the Season

2009-11-28T16:54:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is over and now the retailers have told us it’s time to begin celebrating Christmas in earnest by shopping and spending money in their stores. Actually, now they are starting in October. If that sounds a little cynical, well it is. Each year when Advent begins I have a hard time getting into the spirit of things because of the increasing commercialization of the season that’s everywhere. It’s inescapable.

In the middle ages, Christmas was considered a holy day that was celebrated as the Christ Mass, and a special feast was enjoyed with gifts of food from the gentry to the serfs who worked their lands. It was a simple celebration of the coming of Christ into the world. It feels like we’ve lost sight of the simplicity of the season with crowding it with compulsory programs, special events, and pressured over spending.

This year, I’m going to do whatever I can to avoid the demands of the season that feel like they are not in keeping with the holy day that is coming. I want to capture the feeling of joy and peace in hope of the life that was gifted to us when Jesus was not yet a man carrying a cross; to know the babe in the manger born in lowly circumstances, and greet him with a humble heart.

I know others feel as I do and I sincerely hope that they will find what they seek as well. This year in the midst of tinsel and a Santa Claus in every shopping mall, I will see a crude stable and a young mother facing an unknown future with the child of promise in her arms. It’s my hope that the vision of this will lead me to a place of quiet, gentle celebration of his birth, so that as I gather with family the thought of it will keep all in proper perspective, and Christmas joy will be the natural outcome.

Every Good Gift

2009-11-21T12:57:00.002-06:00

This weekend I am in Arkansas to play guitar for a wedding. This is something I have done multiple times over the years. I enjoy doing it for my family, though I battle nervousness. When I arrived at the rehearsal, I discovered that a string quartet was accompanying me. It was a delightful surprise. I’ve never had anything like this before and it will make a real difference with the music.

Life is like that. We go along doing what is familiar to us and suddenly there is a delightful surprise from God. It always amazes me when God’s gifts arrive unannounced. In the midst of the mundane, something special happens. Sometimes it’s the answer to a prayer that comes in a form we were not expecting. And sometimes, it’s simply because he delights in us.

Scripture says that every good gift comes from above. His blessings are given not because we’ve done something to earn extra points. They come because of his grace and love for us. He takes joy in our joy, pleasure in ours. There simply doesn’t have to be any reason for it. In the same way human parents bring home surprises for a child, so God does for us.

I consider the string quartet a surprise from God. It’s for the pleasure of the attendees, yes, but it’s a surprising blessing for me. I am delighting in the experience and will treasure it in the years to come because it’s something that will most likely never happen again. And I am grateful for it. I thank God for such an experience.

We should go about our daily routines, and do those things God has called us to do. There is joy in the journey. But know that when you least expect it, God will give a surprising gift of love. May your joy be great and may your hearts be overflowing with gratitude for those good gifts from above.

Getting Back Up Again

2009-11-07T13:32:00.003-06:00

My husband is in the next room practicing playing his mandolin. It was rather rough when he started out, but through constant and diligent practice he has improved much and can play some fairly difficult pieces now.

A lot of things in life are like that. We first begin to walk and fall over and hit the floor. We begin trying to talk and it comes out gibberish. But by diligently trying over and over, we eventually walk and talk. I can think back to many firsts in my life and the effort it took to get to that point. Even my writing has improved over time in an effort to put my thoughts on paper.

My spiritual life is filled with efforts and failures with successes thrown in. It seems, though, that the failures out number the victories, which is probably true. But gradually, the failures are giving way to accomplishments. Slowly the tide is turning in my life. It is by the grace of God that this is happening. I have tripped up more times than I can possibly count, but God has been there to help me up and let me try again.

The real issue in all this, is do I try to get back up after falling. I will admit that there have been times when I simply laid there and didn’t get up. I gave up, and God will not force us to get up; he waits on us. Was I cut off? No. I simply moved to other areas where I needed to learn how to live as Christ. So what happens when we don’t get up? There is a cost in that we cannot exhibit Christ-like qualities in those areas when life demands it of us. We grieve at our failure knowing it could have been different if we had just gotten up and tried again.

I have experienced this very thing and it was a hard lesson, hard by my own making. But in those occurrences, the grace of God was there. No chiding, no “I told you so,” just enduing hope in me that it was not too late to try again to get it right. God extending the hand of grace to help me knowing that this time he will be helping me stand again should I stumble once more.

I hope that I will not give up again when I need to get up and brush myself off. I hope I have learned the lesson. I don’t want to look back and see where life could have been different had I not given up. God is encouraging me, urging me on to something better. He’s there ready to help me back onto my feet, to move forward in becoming like Christ, and that is worth the effort to succeed.

Beyond Sentimentality

2009-10-28T11:12:00.002-05:00

I am a sentimental person; I’ll just admit that up front. I can tear up at Hallmark commercials, that’s how bad it is. I cry at movies, try as I might not to do so. I just can’t help it. I try to act like my eyes are bothering me so it won’t look like I’m crying. What I see affects me greatly and I often cry. What I hear causes me to cry too sometimes. Music that brings back memories, as well as music that is simply beautiful and moving. And what I read can do the same. I can cry at the drop of a hat.

While sentimentality isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a surface emotional expression. Crying at movies is not the same as crying at a newscast of violence tearing apart neighborhoods, or the hearing of soldiers being maimed and killed in a terrible war. While I am sentimental, the real events of this world move me even more. Tragedy should cause an emotional reaction to prompt responsive action. Otherwise, we would be observers only.

God is not an impassive observer. He is moved by suffering as well. Humans are fashioned in his image and though some ignore that by not living by their God given conscience, those who do, take action to alleviate pain. God uses us to help those who experience tragic events. It is our responsibility to provide aid to those who suffer whether it is because of a flood, or a death in the family. Wherever people are, we are to take help to them.

God has tagged us to do the work of helping those who are in distress, whatever that may be. Ask yourself if you are responding to those in need of comfort and basic needs. Give to charities that provide services to victims of natural disasters. Volunteer at a food pantry or a suicide hotline. Volunteer to work at a hospital or hospice. Organize care packages for soldiers. Seek out ways you can actively respond to those who need aid.

Maybe you don’t cry as I do, but your heart should be moved by human suffering. God has given us his Spirit, and he grieves over our sorrows. Let that same grief move you to action. People are counting on you, and God is, too.

Resisting the Good

2009-10-23T13:53:00.001-05:00

Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I am a chronic insomniac, have been for the past twenty years. I’ve been though all the sleep drugs and, of course, all the remedies that folks have suggested. None have worked until recently when a new drug was tried. I had been sleeping like a baby until the past couple weeks. I might already be developing resistance to the drug which will be depressing if that is the case. I hope not.

I’ve had resistance to other things in my life, too, some that should be resisted, but others are not such a good idea. I’ve resisted the effort to lose weight at times. I’ve resisted exercising. I’ve resisted turning the TV off more often. All these and more are things that I really shouldn’t resist. But there are those things that are vital to my emotional and spiritual well being that I should not resist, yet have at times.

I’ve resisted prayer, reading the Bible and spending time with others. I resisted taking medications for my bipolar disorder for quite some time, feeling taking them meant I was a defective failure. The truth of the matter is that resistance to those things that will benefit me will hurt me in the long run. But it will also hurt others as I am not at my best physically, emotionally and spiritually. That should be a great motivator for me to do rather than resist.

The reasons for resisting are varied, but none are excuses for neglecting to do what is right and seeking God for the desire to do right. My resistance should be directed toward those things that harm not aid. If I do not resist sin in my life I will find myself resisting God in my life, which is disastrous for a Christian.

We all need to take stock of our lives and take an honest accounting of what we may be resisting right now. It matters greatly for our well being and for our relationships with others and with God. Resisting what God has for us is to miss the opportunity to grow, and in the end, it is to our sorrow if that is the case. Resisting the wonderful grace of God might mean his plan for our good in some instances may not come to pass and who wants that? I know there are some things in my life that I am not resisting anymore and I need to feel good about that. But I also know there are a couple things I need to stop resisting and to ask for greater grace to accept and do them. In the end, I will never regret doing them; I will regret the failure to do so. It’s my choice.

Warming Our Hearts

2009-10-11T14:27:00.001-05:00

I’m sitting here sipping a mug of coffee trying to get warm. We keep the house cool to save money. It does help with expenses, but right now I am typing with fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm. I will acclimate to it soon enough, but I’m just not ready for the cold. Summer wasn’t a typical one and I missed the sun and heat.

Sometimes, it feels like our relationship with God is cold, too, at least mine seems that way at times. I suspect it’s the case for others though they may not admit it. Just as there are periods of drought when we seek the Spirit’s presence with great intensity, there are times of chill. But the coldness is not the same as drought. It is a time in which we simply do not feel like being with God.

I hear a collective gasp right now. By that statement, I simply mean that the passion to be close to God wanes and we become cold. Many things can take precedence before God. It might be our job and over working for money. It might be time spent on the internet or zoning out in front of the TV. Perhaps sex or alcohol/drugs consume us to the point of obsession and cause us to forget about God. It might even be our church work. All of us could list more, I’m sure.

The fact is, when other things catch our attention too much, God will come in a distant second. We will not spend time in prayer or reading our bibles. Connections with others will be curtailed. We go through the motions, but the passion is lacking. I must honestly confess there were definite times when my desires were focused elsewhere, and when that happened, I grew cold toward God. I really didn’t mean it to happen, but it quietly escalated little by little and soon, whatever I was concentrating on became my complete center of attention.

I am not suggesting that we become hermits and cloister ourselves away from the world and all that it offers. But we should stop now and then to do some soul searching to see where our priorities lie. And just in case our vision is clouded and our hearts already cold, the Spirit illuminates and shows us the truth. Then grace kicks in and we are gently prodded toward seeking God again with all our hearts, to have the fire stoked again.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but it’s about time for me to do some self assessment, a spiritual checkup. I hope to see that all is well, but if through the intervention of the Spirit I find I need to make some changes, I pray that the grace of God will enable me to do just that. I want a clean bill of spiritual health.

Knowledge That Impresses

2009-10-03T16:12:00.005-05:00

I subscribe to a service that sends me a daily word that includes pronunciation, meaning, origin and examples of usage. Virtually every word is one I’ve never seen before. I learn a lot of words that I promptly forget because I do not use them. Even if I did remember them, I would probably not use them because I think many readers would be clueless as to what I was saying. It would only show off my expansive vocabulary, however innocent that might be, or not.

Knowing scripture can be like that. We can learn the bible backwards and forward and impress others with our knowledge of it. Maybe we wouldn’t be doing it intentionally, but it does happen nonetheless, and I know this because I have often been commended on my grasp of scripture, of knowing the “address” of particular passages. I have a bible translation on my PDA that I can refer to. It also has a search function if I do draw a blank. Impressive, yes?

But no matter how much I or anyone else may know, it’s not all that impressive to God if we do not live it. He is even less impressed if I, like a Pharisee, live without grace toward others. Paul made a bold statement about this very thing. Knowledge of words and of scripture can be quite meaningless:

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but don’t have love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day…but do not have love, I’m nothing.” (1 Cor. 13:1-2, The Message)

We can know and believe everything in the bible, but if we do not live and love by it, extending grace to others, it’s worthless in the eyes of God. All the big words and the knowledge of the bible are meaningless without love for others. Scriptural knowledge should lead to transformed lives, softened hearts, pure thoughts, and graciousness acted out in everyday living.

Perhaps I will appear to be less learned by my limited vocabulary, but I would rather be understood. And I will continue to learn scripture, but only with love in my heart to all, and hope that is what impresses.

Losing the Weight

2009-09-27T15:02:00.002-05:00

I have been on a diet for the past six months or so. I have taken off 28 pounds at this point and am trying to lose 25 more. It has not been easy especially as my metabolism has diminished as I have aged. I eat far less and I been walking for 30 minutes three times a week, but progress has been slow. I am avoiding diet plans because I know I won’t stick to them once I lose all the weight. I am just working on new behaviors that I will continue to live out after the pounds are finally shed.

I gained all the weight from a particular antipsychotic I was taking last year. I now take a different one, but live with the consequences of less energy, shortness of breath and having had to buy larger clothing. All from weighing more than I ever have. Working on the outside of me is difficult. But though my focus is on the exterior, I am reminded that I still need to work on the inside, too.

While it is a good thing I am taking care of my body, taking care of my spiritual life should not be relegated to the back burner. It needs equal if not more attention while I change my lifestyle to stay healthy. The life of a Christian requires lifestyle changes as well, and that begins on the inside. God looks at the heart when considering how we live up to a life that reflects Christ on the outside. The workout begins within and works its way out in a visibly changed life. The spiritual life cannot be neglected anymore than our physical bodies should be.

I am trying to listen to the Holy Spirit as I work off the physical weight so I do not fail to work off the weight of sin in my life. The good news is that the grace of God is at work within me to make my efforts bear fruit. He does not ask of me what I am unable to do; he is the one at work within me. I am cooperating with him as my life gradually changes. I am learning new behaviors in the heart and mind that lead to a Christ-like life.

I will continue to lose weight, and I will have to continue to be patient with the slow progress. So too, I will have to be patient as my heart slowly changes as well. Both will happen, it’s just going to take a little longer than I had first hoped. In the end, I will once again weigh what I did before, and one day, I will finally be like Christ in love and grace.

Restoring Hope

2009-09-25T15:44:00.002-05:00

Recently several people I know have experienced loss in their lives, loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, and loss of health and they are understandably hurting and sad. But the loss I believe hurts the most is loss of hope. When I lost my father, I was deeply saddened and it hurt, but I knew he was in a far better place, no longer in pain. Because I believe I will see him and my grandmother again, I have hope.

But not all are able to cling to hope when life deals them a hard blow. Times of pain and suffering seem to touch us all and the circumstances can be so severe that all hope of getting through, of ever feeling anything but sorrow is lost. I have had times of hopelessness, most recently with the instability I was experiencing from the bipolar disorder I live with. I was in a place of feeling I would never smile again, of feeling life was too hard and death looking far better.

I have had hope restored partly because of medications that have leveled me out again. Even more, hope came back due to the prayers of loved ones, people in my life who do not give up on me even when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. But most of all, it is God who restores hope. If I did not believe that there is life after death, I would truly be a lost soul who would not see the point of going on. Why would I? But his promises give hope when all else says otherwise.

People all around us are hurting and have lost hope. Hope of a future, hope of restored health. Hope of having the means to pay bills and of ever finding another job. Hope of ever having joy again, of ever savoring life to its fullest. Hope of a saved marriage or restoration of a friendship. So much loss and so much pain.

Being there for someone who has suffered loss of whatever nature is what people need the most. We demonstrate love when we are present to the hopeless. But prayer is the quiet unseen action that God sees and hears as he gently heals broken hearts. It is his Spirit that moves in the hearts and minds of those who have suffered great loss and restores hope. We cannot always be present to those who are hurting, but we can pray.

Today, make a difference in the life of someone who feels hopeless. Show love anyway you can, be present to them, and above all pray, because prayer can move mountains and prayer will move us to reach out even more.

Measuring Up

2009-09-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

Recently, I joined the ranks of thousands who connect with others via Facebook.com. It began as somewhat of an encouragement from my employer, but I soon found my high school and even grade school had networks. Suddenly, I was in contact with friends of years long ago, people I had lost touch with since graduating in 1973. A whole new world, as well as an old world, has opened to me.

As exciting as it as has been so far, I find myself falling into the comparison trap. I read of the very successful lives of some of my former classmates, of their graduate level educations, high dollar jobs and long successful careers, multi-car garages attached to 5,000 sq. foot homes, vacations in Europe, on and on. I stop and look at mine and I feel somewhat a failure.

My life in high school was tenuous already and I began a 15 year descent into alcoholism and drug addiction. While I managed to get a degree somehow, I lived life as though nothing mattered but getting high. While many of my classmates were building successful lives, I was destroying mine. It would be a long time until I would discover that I had been self medicating, but even that has its bad point. While they all were healthy, I was becoming increasingly ill. All in all, I fall short in comparison.

But it’s a dangerous thing to get into comparing oneself with others. The simple truth is we all use different measuring sticks, we all have different standards. But even beyond that, we are all unique and have differing gifts and abilities, none of our own making, because it is God who has done the gifting. The bible gives wisdom about the tendency to compare ourselves with others: …we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. Galatians 5:25b, The Message Translation.

Each of us is an original. How can we be measured in comparison with each other? As I write this, I realize it’s true. Yes, I wasted a lot of precious years. Yes, I have a mental illness. And yes, I have mishandled finances. But I have a wonderful long-term marriage, a precious and gifted son, loyal and loving friends. The more I think about it, the more I realize just what a successful life I have. I may be a late bloomer, but that’s just fine. By the grace of God, I can live the life he fashioned me to live and it’s his measurement of me that matters, and his alone.

The next message I receive from one of my old classmates, I will read and enjoy and not worry about how my life’s story measures up, because in God’s eyes, I am a success.

Looking Past the Stigma

2009-08-28T15:59:00.004-05:00

I have mental illness. I am mentally ill. Both those statements are true about me, and they are jarring to read. The words mental illness conjures up stereotypes of raving lunatics, dangerous and scary. The sad truth is there is so much stigma and ignorance about mental illness. My mental illness is bipolar disorder and I know that many people don’t understand what it is and how it affects me and those around me. It is fear of the unknown that fosters the stigma that persists in spite of the education and information available to us. Most just don’t care to know about it. They live in the dark when it comes to mental illness and are oblivious to the suffering and needs of those who have mental illness.

I am not just a label, I am a person with gifts and dreams, heartaches and joys; I am someone made in the image of God. I have value and mental illness changes nothing about that. I am not dangerous. I am not a drain on society. I am able to do many of the same things others do because of those who have made it their life’s work to help, both through therapy and medications. I can be stable and productive as can most others with mental illness. But the stigma persists.

I’ve been told that I just need to stop thinking like I do. I just need to pray more or read my bible more. I just need to get a grip on things. I just need to snap out of it. The list goes on. If I could make the bipolar disorder go away, I would in a heartbeat. But my brain is different than other brains; CAT scans have shown this to be so. I cannot help it and neither can others who have a mental illness. I do pray, I do read my bible, I do try to pull myself up by my bootstraps, yet I still have mental illness.

I don’t think God is saying I don’t do enough, that if I just tried a little harder I’d be miraculously healed. I think he wants me to just trust him for what I need to live life fully as I am. There are paraplegics, diabetics, the blind and deaf, the list goes on, who are trusting God to be there for them, and they are thankful in spite of their difficulties. I seek the same. And if the stigma never ends, I know there is complete acceptance with him and with those who love me.

I write these things because I hope that by being open here, I will give a face to mental illness for the sake of others. Maybe in a small way I will have lessened some of the stigma. It’s worth the risk to me. And I will trust God that my life will not have been in vain, that the bipolar disorder will not define me as a person, but rather foster compassion and acceptance for those who need it. Stigma be damned.

God's Acceptance

2009-08-22T13:09:00.001-05:00

One of the most painful things that can happen to us is rejection. It’s a stab in the heart, and depending on how close the relationship, it can be like a knife twisting, inflicting much damage and pain. I have been on the receiving end of rejection more times that I care to talk about. Each time, I felt the pain of the loss of relationship and love. It just hurt.

For whatever reasons, I sometimes do not measure up, or I do or say something that makes me undesirable afterward. Sometimes, I’ve not known the reason for rejection and that hurts in its own unique way. While rejection from those I want to forge a relationship with is hurtful, it’s not near as much pain as when I’ve entrusted my heart. I have a somewhat checkered past and am careful with whom I reveal details. I have lived to regret sharing some things because it led to rejection. Not always outright, but in more subtle ways: the cooling down of friendship intimacy, less communication and canceling of plans. It’s happened, and the pain is severe.

I think we’ve all experienced rejection and its pain. Everyone has been at both ends of rejection. It goes along with being human. We fail each other; we withdraw for a variety of reasons and in doing so, hurt people. The fact is as long as we open our hearts to other people, we are open to rejection. As the old adage goes, it’s not wise to put all your eggs in one basket, but it seems we often do so, sometimes to our great sorrow.

There is only one with whom I’ve been able to share all and not risk rejection. That one is God. His amazing acceptance has healed much from lost friendships and acquaintances. As much as I have fallen short, he has always extended the hand of grace, of love and whole hearted acceptance. He created me, who else is able to so completely understand my failings and shortcomings. Who else sees my longings and pain with eyes that probe deep within the heart and soul? I was fashioned for relationship, with other people and with him. When others fail, I can run to his open arms and find solace there.

God awaits all who seek true love. Love that does not fail, that does not reject when we don’t measure up. Love that compels an openness and authenticity that although is frightening at first, leads to a wholeness that restores joy at being freed to be who we are, made in his image. Rejection will touch all of us, but God’s love that never fails heals all wounds. All our eggs can safely go in his basket.

Relational Love

2009-08-18T19:49:00.012-05:00

Relationships can be so messy. People fall in and out of love, riding the wave of passions and promises, sometimes keeping them, sometimes breaking them. Marriages, friendships, parents and children, coworkers, neighbors, relationships wax and all too often wane, never neatly and rarely do they do so without someone being hurt. It seems to be the way of people who form attachments, appearing inevitable, but that’s cold comfort to those who have been hurt.

How we view relationships and their stability or instability depends a lot on experience, often those from childhood. I won’t go into statistics or speculations about broken marriages and influences on developing children. I’m not really qualified to speak to it. I can only speak to the string of broken relationships I have had down through the years. Some I thought would never end because love seemed a sure thing, but where are those people now? Some I ended, having used a person up and just moved on. No apologies, just walked away.

What harm I have caused in my life, a tornado damaging all in its path. I have much to grieve and regret. But regardless of which end I was on, I suffered loss, and that is how it is for all of us. Whether we are left, or whether we do the leaving, there is loss. Even in relationships that really do need to end, abusive, extramarital, unhealthily codependent, there is still loss; loss of peace of mind, of hopes and dreams, of futures, of self image and sense of worth. Loss hurts.

To be honest, I’m not really sure why I am writing this. As far as I know, relationships in my life are intact, though some have been altered in the past year and that has affected me. Perhaps that is what has prompted this particular piece. I feel deeply for those I love. I don’t make statements of love lightly anymore. What I had called love for a long time was infatuation, sexual attraction, or need, none of which has a thing to do with love.

The simple truth is, I did not know what love was until I experienced the love of God. Faithfulness, concern, affection, constant, and endless are just a few attributes I only paid lip service to in my human definition of love. My expression had more to do with convenience and need, knowing I could always end a relationship that was no longer easy to maintain. Working to make something flourish was foreign. But that is exactly what God’s love does. In the light of his love, my own seems infantile because it is.

What relationships need is an infusion of the love of God that is beyond words, yet the bible does attempt to describe it in 1 Corinthians 13:

“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

This is longer than what I usually post, but for some reason I needed to say it. Maybe the simple message is that with God's kind of love, relationships can endure, and the pain of loss will no longer be suffered. Though it won't necessarily be easy, in fact, it will be work, all it takes is prayer and the love we need, God's love, is ours.

Simple Gifts, Boundless Blessings

2009-08-16T13:53:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, it’s the small things that bless me the most. Oh, I have had some biggies this past year and I rejoiced greatly over them. But it’s wrong to overlook the simpler gifts God gives us. How easy it is to regard the very things we consider ordinary as just the way things are.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought everything on my list. But as I was paying for it, it never occurred to me to thank God that I had access to so much food, as well as the means to purchase it. Most of the world does not have such abundance, and even in our own country, there are many who would love to buy say, fresh fruit, and cannot because it’s too expensive.

I brought it all home and put it in a cold refrigerator, in an air conditioned house, filled with every kind of convenience. Did I think to thank God? No, the thought never crossed my mind. I have a good education, a great job that pays reasonably well, the means to buy most clothing and shoes I want, along with many other desires, above and beyond the basic needs of life. Yet, I thoughtlessly take them as commonplace things I acquire through my own efforts.

If I stop and truly think about it, the majority of people in the world do not even have access to the things we consider as ordinary, let alone the means to buy them. My middle class income and possessions are beyond their wildest dreams. My house is a small two bedroom “cracker box” house built 50 years ago. Certainly humble, but it’s a house, while thousands upon thousands of refugees do not even have tents. I turn on lights, I can shower daily and have all the clean water I want, I have transportation with a new car, things that the majority of people in the world can barely imagine.

My mother has prayed the same prayer of grace before eating for more years than I have lived: “Gracious heavenly Father, we thank you for this food. Teach us to be ever mindful of all the good things that come from your hands, and let us always have grateful hearts. In your name we pray, amen.” It is a simple prayer, but it is a prayer of thanksgiving that is certainly sweet to God’s ears.

I pray that I, too, will be taught to be mindful of all the good things, the simple things that God has blessed me with. And I pray for forgiveness that I have taken all I’ve been given for granted. The words from an old Shaker hymn sums it up: “Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be…” Where we ought to be is in the place of continual gratitude. I’m going to find my way there and hopefully stay there.

The Promise of Peace

2009-08-13T22:36:00.001-05:00

I sit here fighting fatigue, ready to call it quits. I’ve had only three hours of sleep in the past twenty-seven, and I feel it. In fact, writing this is proving to be a difficult challenge, but I’m doing it anyway, hoping that something worthwhile will magically spring forth.

King David experienced extreme fatigue also from the efforts to survive the murderous actions of Saul as he pursued David for years. On the run, David endured deprivations, assaults, treachery, and rejections. God had promised David the kingdom of Israel, yet here he was an outcast running for his life. The promise of God seemed to be a hopeless dream. So, too, the promises of God for today sometimes seem to be out of our reach for any number of reasons.

Number one on my list for promises in this life is peace; peace of mind and of heart. That is what I desire more than anything, yet it seems to be lacking at times. I have often wondered why it comes and goes without external pressures and events. I could blame it all on the bipolar disorder, and that may be true sometimes. But I think there are others reasons why I sometimes have anxious feelings, even panic.

All too often, my thought life is the real culprit. I start dwelling on fears, real and imagined and peace flies out the window. I worry about events that may not even have a basis in reality, fretting over projected tragedies. My son is in the Army and my greatest fear is his dying at the hands of those who hate him and what he represents. It violently tears away any peace of mind I might have had up to that point. I worry about what might happen to my husband or friends and family. I latch onto unfounded fears and lose the peace of God instantly, and if I continue thinking along those lines, I become agitated and emotionally distraught. All because I began to doubt that God is always there, and regardless of what might happen or not, his promise of peace that passes all understanding is temporarily lost.

Is because he has failed to keep his promise to me? No, nothing has changed on his end. It’s there, I know because I have experienced it many times. It’s just that I step away from it and what I want the most in life slips from my grasp. Peace that abides no matter what life throws at me. Peace that remains if the worst really should happen. Peace that keeps my heart and mind through all things, and peace I can share as I live in it and with it, even in the fog of fatigue.

David did become king. God kept his promise. Peace is mine, though at times I might lose its wonderful presence. This I pray, that the peace of God, the promise he gives, would guard hearts and minds even in the most stressful circumstances. It’s a promise God keeps, this deep down I truly know.

The High Price of Shame

2009-08-07T16:31:00.002-05:00

I’m not sure there is anything that tears at the heart and soul like shame. According to the bible, the first thing Adam and Eve felt after eating the forbidden fruit was shame. In other words, it has always been a part of the human condition and it is one of the most terrible of emotions, one that has the power to destroy those who live with it.

I’ve heard it said that feelings are neutral, it’s how we express or not express them that matters. But I have to say shame is definitely an exception. It slowly consumes joy and peace, distorts the personality, and cuts us off from others, and ultimately, God. Shame drives us to hide because we fear rejection and judgment. It is a devastating pain that aches deep within the mind. The terrible truth is suicides have been attempted or successfully committed because of the despair of shame.

I have lived in the grip of shame at times. For years I lived with regret and shame over past sins, ones that I believed were worse than those of others. Somehow, my actions, thoughts and words were unforgivable. And even when I finally understood I was forgiven, the shame lingered on, eating away at my peace of mind like a cancer. I only had brief respites from the anguish that is shame. Just when I felt I had shaken off its chains, I would be shackled again by some sort of trigger, reminding me of a checkered past I am powerless to change.

This was not God’s intent when he created within us a conscience. And the most treasured all written moral codes, the Ten Commandments, was never intended to cause shame. The intent was to prevent shame by laying down the ground rules that, when followed, causes us to live in peace with all, including God. But we fail and in doing so, either seek forgiveness or hide in shame. God’s amazing grace is showered in the former, and grieves over the latter.

I still wrestle with shame on occasion. For me, it’s a conditioned response from years of unfortunate practice. It’s like a heavy, mildewed overcoat that I will slip into now and then. I’ll wear it around inhaling the vile odor, but leave it on because I feel I deserve it because of my past. Jesus came to take the coat off me, and really has done so, it’s just that I dig around for it and when I find it, I put it back on. He hasn’t failed me at all. He did remove it, but it’s still around so I can make a choice: trust God’s forgiveness or live tormented by false shame. Slowly, I am learning to trust. The coat just doesn’t fit anymore.

Diary of a Mad Woman

2009-08-02T12:38:00.001-05:00

I don’t normally write in a diary entry fashion, but today I will because the past two weeks have been hellish for me. Manic then depressed, back and forth. Panic, anxiety, it’s been a horrid time and I frankly have come close to just giving up on ever being stable again. A hopelessness that was becoming stronger as each day passed. In spite of the medications I take, I was getting very little sleep.

I finally had a meltdown at work and got extremely angry at a coworker for a minor incident. I left work early and was given permission to take off a day for my mental health. I had hoped to regroup, but I was still anxious and like a powder keg that could explode if not handled carefully. I snapped at a patron and was generally miserable. I called my psychiatrist and she decided to make a change in dosage of a particular medication I take that she felt was triggering the mania and the subsequent downward spiral that happens after an episode. Fortunately, this change appears to be working because I am feeling more stable, just in time for my son’s week at home.

I have been unable to go to church the whole time because I simply would not be able to lie and say I was fine when asked, and I do not wish for the general members to know I am bipolar. What would I say, “I feel hopeless and crazy”? So, I have just been in my survival mindset. It’s all I have been able to do.

Although many times I cannot pray for myself when I get into a place like this, I did. It’s probably the main reason why I kept putting one foot in front of the other, when all I wanted to do was simply give up; that and the faithful prayers of those who knew how much I was struggling. It seems when I am at my lowest, God feels nowhere to be found. Yet, he is a constant presence in my life. I accept this by faith because I have been keenly aware of him at other times. By faith, I believe I have not been abandoned. If I did, the urge to give up would become unbearable and I would act on it. I have before, just without success. But I believe that failure was God’s intervention as well.

I still do not understand mental illness in my life. The why goes unanswered—for now. Like Job, I am humbled by God and his incredible vastness. But it’s mind boggling that the Creator even considers me. Though I may in the dark for now, I know I am loved beyond all capacity to receive. Maybe it isn’t hopeless after all.

Emotional Expressions

2009-07-24T17:49:00.001-05:00

I am amazed at how easily I can get off track. Then again, it doesn’t surprise me at all. I have always been a yo-yo type person; up and down, hot and cold, on and off. I ride a roller coaster of emotions from peak to valley and back again in short order as I speed along. Today has been a day of uncertainty. Something as simple as going to the grocery store has sparked an anxiety attack. So I have stayed inside all day. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand something like that. It defies explanation.

Unfortunately, this hot and cold emotional life spills over into my spiritual life as well. While I pray daily for people, some days it just doesn’t come as easy as others. Prayer becomes a homework assignment I drag my feet to get started. It shouldn’t be like that, but it simply is sometimes. In some circles that would be a bad thing to admit, but Christianity that is not authentic is worthless in my book.

God sees it all and understands. I don’t need to explain myself to him. I know he wants better for me, but as I move that direction, it is in fits and starts that I go. It’s not that I don’t want to get to the place where he is leading; it’s that feelings sometimes get in the way. Yet, I was crafted with emotional capacity and though broken by the harsh experiences life can bring, I still have the gift of expression through those very emotions that seem to get in the way.

But then again, maybe they are not the roadblock they seem. If I was created in God’s image, then I have a glimpse of who he is, though I cannot see him clearly in this life. He has endued me with the same emotions he has, to give expression to them as he does. There is no right or wrong to emotions, only in how we choose to act on them. My emotions may be affected by the bipolar disorder I live with, but they are still holy because they are a gift from God. They are essential to who I am. They define me in ways that are unique, just as they are to all.

Rather than wishing they didn’t get in the way, I should be thankful that they sometimes do. It means I am still a work in progress and someday, he will finish with what I hope will be something pure and lovely. The roller coaster ride will come to an end and the emotions will no longer demand my attention, but will be used to express gratitude for the grace that makes them a gift to be cherished.

Independence Day Thoughts

2009-07-04T06:39:00.000-05:00

It’s Independence Day and to be honest, I’m not all that excited. As a child, the 4th of July was next to Christmas and birthdays in terms of anticipation. I could barely contain my enthusiasm for firecrackers, bottle rockets and sparklers. Every year I’d get burned a bit by careless handling of punks and sparks from the sparklers inevitably caught some skin, but nothing that a wild tomboy couldn’t deal with. I was too engrossed with blowing up things to care about a burn or two.

Though my “adultness” keeps me from too much excitement, the fact is if handed some firecrackers, I’d be looking for an empty tin can to blow into the air. There is something about blowing things up that appeals to some lower nature in me. I don’t know whether or not that is something I should confess, but it’s on paper now. So as I sip a cup of coffee and listen to the sounds of fireworks going off in my neighborhood, I cannot help but remember the Independence Days of my childhood.

As a kid, I knew the hoopla was a celebration of the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I had to know that much to make it through school. There was always rousing band music and flags waving, and of course, fireworks. It was a time when I was in awe of uniforms and ceremony and very proud that I could say my dad was in the Air Force. It was a childish patriotism, but everyone felt that way. I was surrounded by people who revered the flag and all the protocol that is entailed when handling it. The flag was almost holy. Each school morning, we’d face the flag, put our right hands over our hearts and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I could recite it along with the Lord’s Prayer. The two may have been the same in my understanding. Somehow, God seemed American to me and the USA was the best country in the world.

A lot has changed in the world from the years when I was busily blowing up things. I’ve learned that the flag is not sacred, the Pledge of Allegiance causes controversy, and the USA is not liked by many. And God is not an American. Never was. I am though. In spite of questionable leadership and corrupt government, injustice and inequality, racism and violence, there is still something that causes me to choke back tears when I hear the national anthem. Maybe it’s just a conditioned response, but I doubt it. I can see that with all its many flaws, America is still blessed with much good: abundant resources, wealth, opportunity, and countless generous and caring people. I may not always like how my government acts, but I live in a nation where I can say that and not fear.

So maybe I was wrong to say I’m not too excited today. I am an American. I am proud that I was an Air Force brat, that my father served his country for 25 years. I am proud that my son is a cadet at West Point and serves his country in the military. I am proud of the young men and women serving overseas in harm’s way. But I am also proud to be in a land where people serve others everyday in soup kitchens and missions; of those who work for justice and equality; of teachers in classrooms; police officers and firefighters; honest government employees; and all the ordinary folks who get up, go to work, pay taxes, give to their churches and drop money in the Salvation Army buckets each December. I live in a nation where creativity is allowed to flourish and dissension is permitted. I live in a country where people from all walks of faith may gather and worship freely. I live in America and I’m proud of it. And it’s all because some very brave people put pen to paper over two hundred thirty years ago and began a grand experiment in democracy and freedom.

I guess I am excited after all.

Peace, Be Still

2009-06-29T07:06:00.000-05:00

The past month has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. The bipolar disorder I live with has been in control in spite of the medications I take. I recently changed one drug I’ve been on for the past year because of a 60 pound gain in weight. I switched to another antipsychotic that is equally effective but at a fairly low dose because the initial dosage gave side effects I couldn’t handle. Right after that, things quickly deteriorated and I began experiencing symptoms that had been kept at bay.

I had originally been diagnosed as having Bipolar II which is a milder version of the disorder, known as Bipolar I, with the primary distinction being the absence of hallucinations or psychosis during mania. In BPD II it’s called hypomania, but as it turns out, my diagnosis was apparently incorrect because of what followed the change of medication.

For a few days after starting the medication, I was fine, but soon the roller coaster took off and I began to experience the familiar signs of hypomania, restlessness, irritability, difficulty sleeping, abundant energy, to name a few. What began as the expected episode soon accelerated into something beyond what I have had this past year. The symptoms of hypomania became exaggerated. I had to increase the medication I take to manage the anger and rage I can experience. It normally puts me to sleep, but failed to. It became very difficult to think clearly because my thoughts raced and I struggled at work. I couldn’t keep still, pacing instead of sitting. Add to that a nighttime cough and I soon was going without sleep for days. Finally, it culminated in hallucinations and I began hearing voices that were not there. That’s when I knew I was really in trouble.

A call to my psychiatrist and I was put back on the old medication at a high dose for a couple days and the symptoms subsided. That is when she told me that I had been misdiagnosed, that I had Bipolar I and my symptoms were worsening for some unknown reason. The new antipsychotic was gradually increased so I could adjust to it and I am now at a fairly high dose and stabilized again.

It was a frightening experience, one I hope to never have again, but there is no guarantee. I must admit that I wonder where God was when this was happening and why I even have this mental illness. I used to pray continually for it to be taken away, but my prayers and those of others seemed to go unanswered. I felt angry, betrayed, abandoned, and unloved. If God is so great, then how hard would it be to just make the bipolar go away? Like Job, I tried to praise God in spite of the adversity I face. And I have.

I still don’t have the answer to my question, but I do have something better: peace. Not the kind of peace that keeps me from mania or extreme depression. That is kept in check by medications. But the kind of peace that comes from God, the abiding peace that can only come from a divine source. It is the peace that says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I know there is a plan for my life and it includes mental illness. Not that he made me to be bipolar, but that he uses it to help others even as I struggle to learn how to live with it. In the end, it will only matter that I lived as best I could for him and loved along the way. He speaks peace to me and I hear it. I hear it.

Remodeling Within

2009-05-27T16:27:00.004-05:00

My husband and I recently decided to get new siding and windows for our house. It's all installed now and looks great. I know our neighbors appreciate the upgrade and some of them are now sprucing up their houses. It's amazing how what people see on the outside has an impact on them. That's one of the main reasons Christians need to be careful in their walk through this world. People are watching and judging Christ by what they see. Paul said to do nothing to discredit the name of Jesus.

But once we got the outside of the house looking great, we looked at the inside and realized just how rundown it looks. Paint is needed badly and new linoleum in the kitchen. The inside needs cleaning up even more than the outside. That's how it is with Christians. Sometimes the outside looks great, but inside we aren't very Christ-like at all. Thoughts that are not loving, lust, greed, resentments, all these and more can deaden the spirit and affect the soul.

God calls us to look within and consider our inner lives carefully, to use Scripture and the light of the Holy Spirit to enlighten us, to give us eyes to see what lies within. And lest we feel hopeless when we see the true condition of our hearts, he reminds us gently that Jesus bore all those weaknesses and sins on the cross of crucifixion. He died so we could be forgiven. He was raised from the dead so we, too, could have new lives. Lives that are continually being transformed by the inner working of the Holy Spirit.

The outside counts for much, but while God wants us to reflect his grace to the world, he looks inside to our hearts--to innermost core of our being. We cannot escape his gaze. But his search is not to condemn, it is to bring light so we can yearn for more, to seek to be as him in this world. I say this because I know he is looking inside me and showing me what needs to change. Though it may make me uncomfortable at times, I truly want to be like Jesus. With that desire, I welcome his searching gaze, because I know it means he loves me. I am after all my Father's daughter.

Loving All

2009-04-11T15:06:00.001-05:00

I have been doing some soul searching. As a Christian I am called to love everyone from the easy to like to the unlovable. I encounter both most days at my job. I work with the public and believe me, some are really a royal pain. We have the chronic complainers, the ones you simply cannot please. The unpleasant odors of the homeless who will not or cannot bathe. The loud and obnoxious. The insolent teens. The argumentative and the yellers. I am supposed to love them the way God does, but my buttons can only be pushed so many times and then I lose the love that I should have for those who are made in God's image no matter how they appear or present themselves. It's so easy to love with God's love the pleasant people who greet me kindly. But the pushy are a challenge and frankly, all too often I fail.

Everyday on my way to work, I pray for those I will encounter. I pray for the strength I need to love all I will see. If I fail, it's not because God failed me. He loves unconditionally, and he loves me even when I don't measure up. For that I am grateful. It reminds me that I can be unlovable, too; yet I am loved. Next Monday when I get back to work, I will once again pray and learn to love as I ought: God's way. I have faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit, I will, little by little, learn to love those who are difficult, to pray for them, to be kind to them no matter how they treat me. God will give me what I need to accomplish this if I draw on his love. It's there. I just need to tap into it.

The day will come when I will always love unconditionally because I am my Father’s daughter and have inherited his character—it’s just not completely evident yet. Until then, I will continue to press forward to grasp what is his nature, the all consuming love that he pours out. May it flow through me to all I encounter. As scripture says, I love because he first loved me. Let this be so in my life today and all days.

Proclaiming Communion

2009-04-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

Today we had communion at church. It is a sacrament that I look forward to. Ever since I was young, I have always known that it was something very special, significant in the lives of Christians. I remember as a child not being allowed to take it, it was only for those who embraced the mystery of it, because it is a holy sign of God’s grace given freely for and to us. I understand that now. I also understand the gift of salvation represented in the elements. The shed blood and broken body of Christ for our benefit. Though we do not deserve it, yet we are of inestimable value to God and he gave all to bring us back into fellowship with him.

I cannot approach communion lightly. It is not just a rite we perform once a month. It represents the suffering and death of Jesus Christ on our behalf. Scripture says as we partake of the Lord’s Supper, we proclaim the death of Christ until he returns. I believe that truth, that fundamental tenet of the faith I embrace. What we need to grasp as we eat the bread and drink the wine is that without death there can be no resurrection. That’s why proclaiming Christ’s death is so fundamental. His resurrection is our hope and our joy; the promise of our own resurrection, even in this life as we are gradually transformed into his likeness.

Remember this as you next take communion. Remember the price Jesus paid as he went to the cross as ransom for us. Death has been conquered and the promise of a life everlasting is ours even now. Darkness and death have been overcome by the light and life of God. We have that light within us now. We are alive in Christ and we will experience that light and life throughout eternity. Communion reminds us of that. It is a sure promise we can stake our lives on, now and forever.

Sadness Endures for the Night, but Joy Comes with the Morning

2009-03-22T12:34:00.003-05:00

Today I am sad. There's no other word for it, just sad. This morning I put my son on a plane back to West Point after a week of spring break. The time flew by. Life is like that--good times rush past while dark days crawl. My sadness is a response to life's circumstances. It's not depression. Sadness, feeling blue, heartbroken, these are temporary states of mind that are based on things we cannot control. Depression is a mental condition that has no connection with external situations. It just happens. It is a physical condition of the brain. It also is long term. It's important for me to know the difference.

There are many things in life that can sadden us, just as there are those things that give us joy. I've heard it said that without the tough times, the painful times, joy is diminished. I don't like the sound of that, but there may be some truth to it. David experienced great upheavals in his life and his emotions went along for the ride. While I do not make the comparison between his life and mine, the lessons are the same. God is present no matter the circumstances, be they life threatening or far less in scope. As David sang, His rod and His staff comfort me. He leads me beside the still waters and makes me lie down in green pastures. He did for David and he does it for me.

So this time of sadness will hurt for a while. I may feel blue all week, or after hearing his voice when he calls to let us know he has made back safely, I may perk up. Regardless, the Shepherd of my soul is quietly comforting me and holding me near. He gently wipes away the tears and patiently leads me on. The still waters beckon and I will go lie down and listen for Him.

Midweek Meditation

2009-03-18T16:05:00.000-05:00

I had occasion today to revisit the past while sharing my story with someone. It was an opportunity to give a “testimony” as they say in some churches. I felt I was supposed to tell where I had come from and the life I once led, sharing a brief history of my journey, and the stops along the way, that led to the life I now embrace.

It is always with trepidation that I tell the truth. It’s not that I lie about my past. I just choose to omit much of it for many valid reasons, and perhaps not so valid reasons. What was different today is that I came away from the experience minus the burden that often follows such a revelation: The burden of shame. Regardless of how much I have changed, and how much I understand of the power of Christ’s blood to cleanse and restore, there has always been a sense of shame that clings to me whenever I talk of my past. The level of intensity has greatly diminished over the years, yet it lingers.

Of all emotions or feelings, nothing is as deadly as shame. It is a corrosive poison that kills. It steals faith, hope, joy and peace. It destroys the spirit, soul, and even body. I cannot prove it, but I am convinced most suicides are prompted by unremitting shame. There is no burden harder to bear. Unlike the conviction of the Holy Spirit, shame does not lead to Christ-like transformation. It leads to condemnation and death.

I Peter 2:4-6, 9-10 says, “As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him—you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God though Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says: See, I have laid in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trust in him will never be put to shame…But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”

What a marvelous promise, but it comes with a condition. To embrace the promise, you must trust—trust in the efficacy of Jesus’ blood and sacrifice, his atonement on our behalf. It is either true or we are totally without hope. At least, I am. But I do trust. I choose to trust even though at times my head tells me otherwise. I do believe that Jesus’ death and resurrection, the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit, and the incomprehensible love and grace of the Father are all I need to be free, not only from sin, but also guilt and shame.

This afternoon, my heart has been singing the refrain of an old hymn:

Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

In His Image

2009-03-07T22:13:00.003-06:00

It’s been a while since I last posted. I’ve just had a hard time conjuring up the words to share. A blog is a journal that is shared with the world, but when I blog I try to write about the things that touch all who share faith in Christ—the things that matter most in our faith walk, the way our lives are touched by the Holy Spirit and our relations with others.

One of the things he cares about the most is how we interact with the world around us, the people whom he made in his image. The attractive as well as those who make us want to turn away, the ones who make us want to distance ourselves. I encounter both on a daily basis in the job I do. The polite and the impolite. The pleasant and those who are surly. Those who bathe regularly and those whose body odor is offensive to smell. Some are easy to offer service to while others are a challenge. But all are reflections of their creator, because all are made in his image: The rich, the poverty stricken, the healthy and those with terminal illness, the gentle and the obnoxious, those who have answered God’s call and those still wandering in darkness. And God calls us to treat all with the love of Christ. Not always an easy task.

Jesus ate with sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors; the very people who were rejected as unclean by the religious leaders of that time. He also loved those who were wealthy and enjoyed the good things of life. All were being called to salvation, and it is to all now that he extends his mercy and grace as a free gift, but we have to share that good news in how we live out our lives in the presence of all people we encounter on a daily basis. It’s a task that is demanding and daunting, yet he prepares the way before us through the working of the Holy Spirit.

We must all remember that every person we see, whether they are rich and powerful or stumbling with drunkenness, are made in the image of God and have intrinsic value—value that God confers. Enough value to call for Christ’s death on the cross. I know I sometimes struggle to carry out the Great Commission, yet that is what he has called me to do. With the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit I will do what on my own I could never do, love the unlovable as well as the lovable. May he transform me even more in his image as I live out his high calling.

God Provides

2009-02-01T12:42:00.000-06:00

Got home from church a little while ago. It was a very good service and I am glad I went. In the midst of it I noticed my mental state. I was very calm, at peace. It’s been a while since I have really felt that way. The medications I take are supposed to make me feel this way, and they seem to be working for now. But it’s more than drugs that keep me from going from one emotional extreme to another. It’s the Holy Spirit who dwells within me that is the real source of joy and peace. He is the one who strengthens me and gives me wisdom to know that I need to take my medications daily so I will be balanced.

God has seen to every need of his children’s. His provision is sure. Just as he is aware of the sparrows, just as he has the hairs of our heads counted, he knows our needs even before we are aware of them. Indeed some of them we are never aware of. We won’t know about them until we see him face to face. His grace is extended to us in countless ways and through that grace he provides for us.

I am amazed by the surprises of grace that come my way, even on the dark days. I may not always recognize them, or even be ungrateful at times in my ignorance, but it doesn’t stop them from coming into my life. The Lord of love delights in his children and he showers us with spiritual gifts each day. We just don’t always notice the blessings. We are sometimes blind to them. But grace wins out in the end, with or without our participation. He desires that we join in and receive all he gives, but he still pours out the grace even if we don’t recognize what he is doing.

My prayer is that I would become more aware of the Spirit’s presence in my life. That I would know it is he who is moving behind the scenes, orchestrating the work in progress that is my life. All of us are being regenerated and recreated in the image of the one who crafted us in our mother’s womb. He planned for us from the beginning of time and the plan included all we will ever need. Gifts of grace brought to us by the Spirit of God who transforms us each day, providing salvation, hope and peace. May his grace open our eyes to see him in at work in our lives this day.

We All Need Somebody to Lean On

2009-01-25T16:32:00.001-06:00

I recently joined an online support group for those with bipolar disorder. It’s been a blessing. I have met a lot of people who experience the same mental illness and they offer much insight and collective wisdom. But most of all, they are not crazy, which means I am not crazy. I know that may sound weird, but I wasn’t sure about it. Hearing their stories and their current struggles has given me hope that all will be okay if I just keep on doing what I am doing and stay on the medications.

I am also a part of a world wide support group known as the people of God. They, too, have much insight and collective wisdom, and I find fellowship with them. I rub elbows with them daily and even keep in contact by email and websites, just like my new found support site.

Just like I have been unsure at times about my sanity, there also have been times when I have wondered about my faith, my salvation. And just as I find support at the mental health website I have found, so too, I find support and encouragement among other Christians. None of us are meant to go it alone. We need each other’s support as we walk in this world. We are family joined together by the Spirit who makes us one with Christ.

One of the Psalms says how good it is for the people of God to dwell peacefully together. We were crafted for relationship with God and with each other. We are a band of brothers and sisters who pray for one another, and love unconditionally just as Christ loves us, no matter what. The old song, “we are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord” rings true.

Whatever your burden, there are willing hands to help carry the load. We walk the same path. And even though we may have different struggles, we share the same weaknesses that required Jesus to bear the cross. That oneness before the cross makes us inseparable in this life and the next.

Bill Withers sang a song years ago: “Just call on me brother when you need a hand; we all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you’ll understand; we all need somebody to lean on.” As I lean on Christ, I also lean on my brothers and sisters, and they lean on me. We are there for each other. There is no better support group.

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

2009-01-17T14:01:00.001-06:00

The holidays are past and the dreariness of winter is setting in. I know for many people, winter sometimes induces depression. Short days, cold temperatures, weak sunlight. I know it is hard for me to avoid the feeling of depression. But it is more than that for me. I am bipolar and depression and I are intimately acquainted. I also exhibit symptoms of hypomania at times—uncontrolled thoughts, inappropriate speech, anxiety, rage, spiked energy that robs me of sleep and keeps me unable to focus. I feel great for a little while, then the edginess sets in and I get highly irritable, angry and unable to control my emotions. I take medications that help. If it weren’t for them, I’d have a hard time writing this.

I have asked the question for the past several years: where is God in all this? Indeed, I would imagine that others ask that same question about circumstances that affect them as well. We all suffer at times. For me, it’s mental illness, and it will be a lifelong condition. I will be on medication the rest of my life to control it. So where is God? Why do I have to live with this condition?

When I get to the place of despair, I am reminded of Paul. He, too, had a besetting problem that he sought God to take away. He asked multiple times. But God did not, effectively saying “no” to his request. In fact, he got an answer from God: “My grace is sufficient for you.” What that looked like for Paul, we do not know. But one thing is for sure, Paul was able to carry on.

What that tells me is that God has said the same to me, because as many times as I have asked, nothing has changed. He is telling me that his grace will suffice. But he has not left me to fend for myself. His grace has made a way for me in the medicines I take. That is his answer to my need.

I will always grapple with mental illness. It has affected me all my life. But God’s grace overcomes and though I exhibit symptoms now and then, I can continue to lean on Jesus for the strength I need to live life to the fullest. I can experience God’s grace and strength in my weakness. For that I am grateful. I may not fully understand God’s plan for me, but I can follow the path he has laid out for me and rest assured he will walk with me through the journey.

A New Year's Resolution

2008-12-26T09:38:00.002-06:00

Christmas is over and a new year is soon arriving. This coming week is one in which many traditionally take stock of the past year, making an assessment and setting goals for the new year. I’ve never been very good at that. It’s a process that I find daunting, yet I know there are things I could resolve to do:

I need to eat better and shed some pounds. I need to read my bible daily and pray more throughout the day. I need to say “I love you” more often to those I do. I need to be more generous with my time and talent. I need to be a better witness for the Lord. The list could go on, but I already feel like I will probably fail to follow through with just the ones I've mentioned. Good intentions are not enough.

Truth is no goals are attainable without the power of the Holy Spirit. And no goals should be set without the direction of the Spirit. Too often in the past, I have set goals that were not of God and I failed miserably. It’s not that God was unwilling to help, but he knows me well and has better plans for my well-being than I can come up with. It might just be that he wants me to focus on one thing that is the most needful and to work toward that goal without the distraction of goals that although good, yet are not as urgent as the one thing he wants me to work on.

So, New Year’s number one resolution: seek the Lord for what I need to work on this coming year, a goal that is attainable even if it proves difficult. To prayerfully consider what is the most needful to please God and work out his plan for me. Whatever the goal, the outcome will be the result of a joint collaboration between us; his strength, his grace, his wisdom and my willingness and perseverance.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29: 11-14a). A promise for the new year that all can take to heart.

Those words give me hope that his desire is to see his children succeed so they will hear from Jesus the words, Well done my good and faithful servant. I cannot think of a better goal than that.

The Good News

2008-12-23T14:56:00.004-06:00

Two days until Christmas and for once, I am prepared for the festivities of the day. We waited until my son came home to buy a tree and decorate it. It is perfect even if I do have to water daily. I could maybe forgo a real tree, but my son has always wanted to have the real thing, so as long as he comes home for Christmas, we’ll stick with a live tree. I don’t know; perhaps we’ll still have a live tree even after he has moved on. It’s hard to replace that pine aroma. And somehow it does seem to make the day more real, at least in my mind. There is a certain “rusticness” to it that lends itself toward the meanness of the first Christmas in a stable. Nothing artificial there.

This is not a commentary about the merits of live trees versus artificial. I do not intend to slam store bought trees. The convenience is perfectly fine. But I think I choose live trees as a way to resist the season of retail frenzy, the artificial and material observance of a holy day that has become a holiday, sanitized and repackaged by our secular culture to be more acceptable to those who choose not to recognize a King born 2,000 year ago. They have shut their eyes and cannot see the stable, the angels, the Babe in swaddling clothes. The day no longer means anything other than gift giving and a special dinner.

I have sorrow over those who will not see, who will not hear the truth of I AM having come down from heaven to walk among those he formed with his own hands. He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. John 1:10. His humble entry into the world is folly to those who do not believe. It confounds the worldly wise and challenges those who do believe. It demands a choice: embrace or walk away.

This Christmas season, we as Christians celebrate what we do embrace, the beginning of the unfolding of God’s plan for salvation. We have waited patiently through Advent for the coming of the King of kings. His birth draws nigh and our anticipation grows as the day approaches. The challenge to believers is to carry the truth of Christmas to those who have yet to believe. As we welcome the Lordly Baby into our hearts and lives, let us remember the world that so desperately needs to hear the good news; from Darfur and Zimbabwe to next door neighbors, Christ has come for all.

May your Christmas be rich with the Spirit's presence and joy-filled. The King has come!

The Christmas Gift

2008-12-13T15:42:00.002-06:00

The season has officially arrived. Time to bring out the holiday decorations collected over the years, along with new ones purchased at half price after Christmas last year—the special trappings that announce the season of celebration. Trees are trimmed, candles lit, carols sung, lists made, gifts purchased and wrapped, parties planned, church plays produced, turkeys roasted, and every tradition of every family is carefully observed for the sake of memories.

It would be tempting to write a critique about the increasing secularization of our “holy days” traditions. But the deepening layers of fluff that threaten to obscure Christ are a legitimate concern I’ll save for another essay. Truthfully, the whole season with its traditions can produce a warm feeling in me, a kind of rosy glow that makes me want to stuff cash into the red pots of bell ringers, hug strangers, and maybe even “teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.” That’s a good thing—or is it?

I’ve heard many Christmas sermons over the years, but none has enlightened nor disturbed me more than the words of an unsaved woman I knew some years ago. While helping decorate a hall for a holiday party, she made the off-handed remark, “I just love Christmas. You know, the baby Jesus thing and all that stuff. It gives me a warm feeling.”

I had forgotten that conversation until today. At the time, I didn’t think much about her comment, except that she needed to know baby Jesus grew up and died for her. Maybe I even said that, I really don’t remember. Now I find her words unsettling in a different way. She had expressed sentimental feelings that are uncomfortably close to what I, and probably other Christians feel.

Sentimentality isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it masquerades as spirituality, it satisfies merely at a surface level, distorting love and grace by diminishing them. The deep ocean of God’s love and grace becomes a wading pool. Instead of being immersed in His great love, we slosh around, accepting shallow spirituality and risk missing the awesome waves of His passion that can only be experienced when we venture out into waters over our heads.

The memory of that comment resurfaced today in the form of a question God posed to me: Do you understand the cost of the Incarnation?

Christians are (or should be) familiar with the basic theology of the Incarnation: Christ was born of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary. God became fully human. We recite it in our creeds, we read it in the Bible, and hear it from the pulpit. We proclaim Christ’s divinity and humanity based on the doctrine of the Incarnation. But do we really understand the price the Son of God paid when He became the Son of Man?

I must confess, this morning during my prayer time, it occurred to me I did not. As I prayed, I wondered if indeed it was even possible in this life to fully comprehend the depth of sacrifice Jesus made when He stepped out of eternity and into time.

In The Great Divorce, C. S. Lewis wrote, “… the higher a thing is, the lower it can descend—man can sympathize with a horse but a horse cannot sympathize with a rat.” I believe it was also C. S. Lewis who observed that it is barely within the capacity of humans to understand how amazing an act of condescension it would be for a man to become a lower creature. It is one to thing to have a level of consciousness that enables one to sympathize with a lesser creature, such as a rat, it is entirely another to actually become one and experience all that rats experience, having left the lofty realm of humanness and all that entails.

We can only imagine the possibility, since no man has ever emptied himself of all his natural attributes, retaining only the knowledge that he is still in essence a man, and taken the likeness and consciousness of a lower creature—to be both that lower life form and man. Even though the chasm between man and rat is incredibly broad, the analogy falls short because humans and rats still share a common bond: they are both created beings. The analogy cannot begin to express the magnitude of the condescension of the Creator in becoming the creature.

It is the mystery of the Incarnation: God becoming one of His creatures, yet still being God in essence. What Jesus left behind when He condescended to the level of a dividing cell in Mary’s womb is what I have never fully appreciated, and I say that to my sorrow, because the sacrifice of Jesus on my behalf began long before the cross.

The entire seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of John records the last time Jesus prayed with His disciples before His crucifixion. Next to the anguished prayer in Gethsemane, it is probably the most passionate prayer ever uttered, and He prayed it not only for the small band of men gathered around Him, but also for us:

“And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was… Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may also be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world (v. 5, 24).”

The inclusion of that request in His prayer reveals His desire that we understand the level from which He had descended to walk among humanity. He had willingly left the Father’s presence in a place of grandeur and glory beyond human imagining, and emptied Himself of the attributes that made Him God.

In Philippians 2:6-11, Paul attempts to describe the depth Jesus’ sacrifice through the Incarnation:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

He made Himself nothing. The All in All, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty became a creature, a lowly servant, and willingly bore the cross—our cross, our sin, our shame. The question still reverberates: do I understand the cost of the Incarnation?

I will enjoy the Christmas season. I will probably overeat, spend a little too much, and observe all the traditions, sacred and silly. But there will be a silent prayer offered continually from my heart: that I would grow beyond sentimentality and press deeper into the heart of God where emotions are transformed and become holy.

Moses prayed to see God’s glory, and God granted his request, but only gave him a glimpse. He covered Moses’ eyes with His hand as He passed telling him, “you cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me and live.” But Jesus is the face of God, and we are commanded to focus our attention and our hope in Him. The hand of God no longer blocks our view, only our own hands cast up in fear, shame, or ignorance.

It may well be that before “the mortal is clothed with immortality,” my vision will be obscured for countless reasons. But His prayer will ultimately be answered. Until that day, like Paul, I will seek to grasp the width and length and depth and height of His love—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, the love that compelled the Incarnation—and to truly understand His incredible Christmas gift.

Now Thank We all Our God

2008-11-27T14:16:00.001-06:00

It’s Thanksgiving and I will be doing all the Thanksgiving family traditions, going to my sister’s house bringing along a variety of foods I’ve prepared for dinner. We meet there every year because she has the room to feed all of us. I slept in, taking advantage of the day off. But this day is set aside for more than sleeping, eating and football. It’s a day to gather together and remember all the goodness we have been blessed with throughout the past year.

We can all tick off the ways we’ve been blessed, but in doing so, we’d forget some of the gifts God has bestowed on us, there being so many, and we’d miss some entirely because we never knew of them. God’s blessings are sometimes unseen. The unknown accident that might have befallen us were it not for divine intervention, the chance meeting of an old friend, the illness we did not contract because of God’s protection. But I will attempt to name just a few of things I am grateful for today:

I am thankful for the love of family; for a loving husband and the blessing of a godly son; for love of faithful friends who have loved me through tough times and laughed with me in the good. I am blessed with good health and a good job. I have a house, that though humble, is nevertheless more than most people in the world have. I am not wealthy, yet I am able to pay my bills and have a little extra after they are paid. I am able to pay for medicines because I am able to afford health insurance. I live in a land with abundant food. I have clean water to drink. Countless people do not. I live in a nation that is free of civil strife and armed warfare. I have been gifted by God to do his will with writing and music, for that I am thankful. I did nothing to earn it, he just gave it.

And what I think most other Christians would say, I am most thankful for the love of God that caused him to send his Son into the world that we might be saved and have eternal life. I rejoice this day that I have had my spiritual debt paid in full, not of my own doing, but by the blood of Jesus. All other blessings are icing on the cake, so to speak.

I pray that your Thanksgiving be a day of rejoicing as you recall to mind all the goodness the Lord has poured out on you. The list is endless, but we have eternity to praise him for each one. Amen!

All is Not Lost

2008-11-21T19:09:00.002-06:00

It sometimes seems like I am a loser. Not in a game sense, or in a worthwhile sense. I mean there are times when I experience loss and it hurts. We all face losses throughout life. Loss of jobs, finances, health, and most painful of all, relationships with those we love most. Lately, it feels as though I have been the loser, and it’s painful.

In the past few months I’ve had to deal with loss as my only child went off to college on the east coast and that means very rarely ever seeing him. It’s not been easy to live without his presence, his laughter, and yes, even his grumblings, though they were few. Although I knew he would grow up and move out, I still wasn’t prepared for the sense of loss I have felt.

I am facing the potential loss of my longtime canine companion. He’s quite old now and his health is rapidly deteriorating. I know there are those who do not understand how people can get so wrapped up in their pets, but I will feel the loss keenly when he breathes his last which may be sooner than I had hoped. I will be expecting a wagging tail and wet nose to greet me when I come home, and he will not be there, and yes, I will cry.

But another painful loss is that of a dear friend. She is moving to the southeast and like the circumstance with my son I will rarely have the opportunity to see her now. It will feel like she’s a million miles away, and though I know we will continue to communicate, I will miss her being nearby. I already feel the loss of her presence, and it hurts.

I have to stop and ask myself where God is in all the loss we experience. To be honest, I question him at times because of it. I know we are just sojourners in this world, and we have been warned that all things of this life are temporary, but that impermanence can break hearts and leave us grieving. It seems to be the human condition. We have lived with loss ever since the first one in the garden.

I forget that God feels loss as well, more than we can understand. The paradox of knowing he doesn’t need us, yet he doesn’t want to be without us. A sense of loss that compelled him to send his Son to reclaim those lost to him. It’s what causes him to extend grace so we can know what we, too, have lost relationally with God, to comprehend in our limited capacity how great the loss was when we sinned. Without grace, we can never understand how much we stand to lose if we neglect the free gift of salvation.

He understands our other losses, too, and although I am no theologian, I can’t help but think he redraws the lines of our lives to keep us moving closer to him. He takes no pleasure in our sorrows and losses, but he will use them to transform us. He will use brokenness to strengthen us, and will turn our losses into gains.

As I write this, it doesn’t make the pain of loss lessen. And the old adage of “time heals all wounds” is a crock. Loss hurts and it always will until Jesus returns and all tears are wiped away. But even though knowing all things are temporary is painful, knowing all things are temporary is also a gift of grace. For Paul says he counts all things as loss save the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

One day, I will be forever with those I love. There no distance will impede presence and joy. Until then, I will live with the losses and the tears and know that God will restore all to what he had envisioned for us at creation. I will thank him for the love I have experienced through those he has placed in my life, those near and those far. And I will try to remember that losses are only for a season, even though they might be painful. God’s restoration will make all things new.

While we await the fullness of the promise, God will hold our hearts, minds and spirits close to him, and grieve our losses with us. And the Spirit will remind us once again that Christ lost all for us so we could gain all in him.

The Times are in God's Hands

2008-11-05T09:23:00.001-06:00

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment…For the same reason you also pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, busy with this very thing. Pay to all what is due them—taxes to whom taxes are due, revenue to whom revenue is due, respect to whom respect is due, honor to whom honor is due. (Romans 13:1-2; 6-7)

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for everyone, for kings and all who are in high positions, so that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and dignity. (1Tim. 2:1-2)

The election process is finally over. It has been a long, strange journey, filled with ground-breaking surprises, highs and lows. We have awakened this morning to a new president-elect and I know I am not alone in wondering what this means for our nation. Things were going change regardless of who was elected. Now we wait to see what will come of this decision by the citizens who voted.

Scripture makes clear that all authority is from God. We have as our president the one appointed for this time. For those who supported the candidate who lost, it might be a time of disappointment and concern for the direction of our country. But God is in control and we are to entrust all things to his keeping, including our leaders and nation. Scripture says we are to pray for our leaders so we can go freely about kingdom business. This is what I will do. My pastor often says, “It will be what it will be.” Wise words. Not fatalistic, just true. We do not always understand what God is doing. He chooses to keep things veiled from us sometimes. Our job as believers is to trust and obey as the old hymn says. We are to pray for our leaders and render to them what is due. Regardless of how you voted, this is what God commands.

Pray for our new President. Pray for our Congress. Pray for our Governor, and for all who are in positions of authority. Pray for our nation, that godly men and women would work for justice and peace. And pray that as believers, we would seize every opportunity to spread the gospel whether circumstances are favorable or not (2 Tim. 4:2). And be thankful that we live in a nation where power changes hands in a peaceful, orderly manner and that we can exercise our faith openly. We are doubly blessed.

Regardless of how you voted, the times are in God’s hands. Leave to him what the future holds and be faithful to do as he commands: trust and pray. This is the will of God for all who are called. It is our witness.

Discipline of Prayer

2008-10-22T09:17:00.002-05:00

It’s been a long time since I last posted. My goal had been to post once a week. I managed that the first couple months, but have had a case of writer’s block for an extended period. It’s frustrating to sit down in front of the computer, hands poised over the keyboard and nothing happen. The fact is writing is as much a discipline as it is an art. I have not been faithful to write something daily, anything.

Prayer and reading the Bible can be like that, at least for me. Please tell me I am not alone in this. I have periods of zeal, reading daily, praying frequently throughout the day. Then, for inexplicable reasons, I fall off the wagon and go into a time of drought and the temptation is to just stop. But prayer and reading God’s word is as much a discipline as it is a joy. We go through dry spells for reasons that only God knows, but I will venture a guess that it is sometimes a period of testing to see if we will be faithful even when we don’t feel like it.

I am a person of passion. My emotions are often quite near the surface and I will go up and down without the ability to put on the brakes at times even with medication. It’s the bipolar disorder. God knows that and extends grace to me so that even when my mind is racing with the hypomania or is overwhelmed with feelings associated with depression, he can hear my broken efforts to connect with him, the whispered prayers of only a couple words. The Holy Spirit takes them to the throne and makes them acceptable before the Father. And I know Jesus is my Advocate and prays for me when I cannot. God has it all under control. Knowing that is a reminder that I need to pray no matter what, that I need to pick up the Bible and read something, anything.

Whatever your feelings on any given day, God understands and waits for you to come before him. He is compassionate in the times of drought, the valleys, and he delights in the times of mountain top passion and zeal. But through it all, he loves you, no matter what. The simplest prayers are just as important to him as the lengthier times spent praying for the world. Dry times come, but they also don’t last. The discipline of continuing to pray for others and ourselves, of picking up the Bible and reading perhaps a Psalm to give comfort and direction can make all the difference when the zeal is simply not there.

Whether you feel like it or not, take a moment right now to thank God for something, anything and pray for at least one person you know has a need. Then ask him for the grace to develop the discipline of prayer and reading the Word, no matter your emotional state, no matter where you are on your spiritual journey. It is a request he will answer with a yes.

Time for Everything Under the Sun

2008-07-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

The last two weeks of my life have been some of the roughest weeks I’ve ever had. Since my son left for West Point, I have been through the wringer. The whole “my baby is leaving home” thing is very, very hard. But add to that the whole military thing and I’ve been a basket case. Not knowing how he is doing has been one of the hardest times as a mom I have ever experienced.

A letter finally came, written a week after he got there. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t reasonable for me to expect something sooner from an 18 year old, but I was sick with worry and the blackout was unbearable. My greatest fears have been temporarily allayed somewhat by the news that he is doing fine, all things considered. But I know the next four years, should he decide to stay, will be up and down for him, for his father, for me.

The letter is like gold. It is a simple, quick one page note that gives a brief outline of how his days are going, and asking for things that he needs. I have read it over and over. I don’t know if I think I’ll find something else in it, but I read as though it were new each time. The part that moves me the most is near the end of the letter. Just one sentence:“I found a new faith home here, and I might try to join the Praise Team for the Protestant service.”

God is at work in his heart and mind. Away from home, on his own and he goes to chapel without being dragged out of bed. He could just sleep in Sunday mornings. They allow that for those who choose not to go to Sunday services, but he has chosen to seek out other Christians and to feed on the Word. The only book he took with him was his bible. In it, when he has a moment or two, he will find the strength and courage he needs to succeed in the task that lies before him.

He believes in what he is doing. How could I believe any differently? I believe in his abilities, his drive and his passions, just as I believe in God’s. My son is becoming a man, if not right before my eyes, at least in his letters that will follow and the phone calls that will be made. There will be rough times, times of questioning, but God is faithful and in the end he will make his plan come to fruition, whatever that may be. As the bible says, there is a time for everything. This is a time of change, of upheaval. God is in it when all is said and done. In that truth is comfort.

Time Marches On

2008-07-04T11:37:00.002-05:00

I want to say up front that this is not an uplifting bit of writing. Blogs are just public journals, so I write what I know and it may or may not strike a chord in the reader. What I write might make you laugh or cry, become angry or be contemplative. It is what it is.

I looked at myself in the mirror a bit closer this morning. I was dismayed by what I saw. Time has marched on all over my face. Crows feet extending out from my eyes, laugh/frown lines around my mouth, and sagging cheeks. My neck is lined and loose.

It’s strange how we really don’t notice the signs of aging. I don’t understand the whole aging process. It creeps up slowly until one day we wake up and realize we can’t do the things we did when we were younger. Parts sag, joints complain, eyes strain, backs hurt. But today it’s as though this were a flash news item: “Susan is older!”

There is a sadness to it. Somehow, as my son was growing up, youth was slipping away from me and I simply ignored the signs. He kept me young, or at least kept me lively. I had to keep up with his endless energy, the little legs that ran from one place to another. As he grew, his energy turned to other endeavors, but I still kept pace. Now that he has left for college, I find my energy has flagged. There isn’t the needed drive to keep running with him. I’ve hit a wall.

It’s always been a shock to me when I watch old movies, seeing actors in their prime, then see them as they are today. I see it when I look at my mother. She just got old. I wonder how it happened and wonder why it’s happening to me. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’ve always known that people get old and die, but somehow I guess I thought I would escape. I grew up in the generation that said you should not trust anyone over 30, the generation that would stay young forever. Well, I’m way over 50 so I guess am not trustworthy anymore and the prospect of endless youth has turned out to be a bust.

The old newsreels that once played in movie theaters were entitled “Time Marches On.” Indeed it does. It waits for no one. I wonder what my sons thinks when he looks at me, as he remembers me from his childhood. It’s been a gradual process so it may not have been that noticeable, but when he comes home for break, he may notice for the first time that his father and I look older than he remembers.

It would be painfully, deeply and endlessly depressing were it not for the God factor. He said we would return to dust, but added a promise to it, that we would be resurrected with new bodies that would never age and break down again. I don’t claim to understand his plan. It is what it is. He knows what he’s doing, and allowing us to grow older and weaker is what makes us yearn for something more, something better—the something that he has planned for us.

Life gives and takes. But God is in the midst of all of it. There is a plan for every stage and age. Though our steps may falter as we grow older and circumstances change, he guides us and prepares us for what is yet to come, the better life, the life spent with him, forever young and forever loved.

Though I have a body that is slowly dying, I also am aware of the hope that is eternal. I know that I have a future, that all who put their faith in Christ have a future that is beyond our comprehension. Getting older is not a hopeless and futile end, it is just another phase of this temporary time in our existence. God has something better in store and that is what I will try to remember when I next look in the mirror.

Learning It's Okay

2008-06-02T12:08:00.003-05:00

This past week I’ve been sick. Nothing major, but enough to make me feel really crummy and drive me to my bed. It took me several days of being ill to finally get bed rest, and I got there only after the worst had passed and I was talked into it. In the meantime, while I was feeling the brunt of the symptoms, I was at work, trying to do my job because I could not give myself permission to stay home.

I don’t know if anyone else feels like I do, but taking sick days is almost impossible for me. Not because my job or boss makes it difficult, but because I make it hard on myself. I always feel guilty that I am sick, as though I had anything to do with making it happen. Rather than seeing it as an unfortunate occurrence that temporarily interrupts my life and being grateful that I have sick leave as a part of my job benefits package, I feel I have to make excuses for my behavior. Some will think that weird, but there it is. It’s as though my being sick is a sin.

In truth, I consider using sick days as a sign of weakness on my part. I should be able to muscle through anything and continue to do my job well. So if I cannot carry on, I come under a boatload of guilt—guilt because I have failed.

I’m not completely sure how those guilty feelings developed, but I do know that my father rarely stayed home due to illness and I almost never saw my mother sick. They kept going. My father was a military man and my mother had to run a household, corralling three children on her own while he was away on various missions. There was no time to be sick. Lest anyone misconstrue, I am not blaming, just making an observation and trying to work through possibilities.

A good and honest friend pointed out to me that I really am not indispensable (ouch!) and that it was up to my employer to figure out how to carry on at the job without me. That I am not indispensable to the praise team I am a part of at my church and they would figure out how to do without me if I was sick. I have a harder time with that one.

Somehow I’ve got to get past the guilty feelings and give myself permission to rest when I need to and not see myself as weak for it. Jesus had to rest from time to time and he recognized that his disciples did too. When Peter’s mother was ill she was in bed, not trying to carry on. It wasn’t until Jesus healed her that she was able to get up and go about her chores. She must have given herself permission to rest even though Peter had brought the disciples over for dinner.

I need to take myself less seriously and relax a bit more. I would imagine there are a lot of Christians who need to do that as well. I don’t want to be a slacker, but I do need to learn to recognize the symptoms of overdoing it (and working sick is overdoing it), and take a break. Believe me, I have built up a lot of sick leave.

Remind me about this next time I am sick.

Always Remember

2008-05-26T14:05:00.002-05:00

Today is Memorial Day. A day our country sets aside to honor those who have served our country in the military who are no longer with us. Grave sites across the US have been decorated with the flag to recognize the final resting places of servicemen and women.

My father is buried in the national cemetery at Fort Leavenworth. I remember the interment like it was yesterday. In honor of him and all those who have served our nation, I am repeating a tribute that I wrote after his burial. This is for all who served our nation, and for loved ones who rest in the Lord:

I buried my father today.

It was a long silent drive to the Fort Leavenworth National Cemetery. I had hoped the weather would cooperate, and it did, though there is something unsettling about placing a loved one in cold ground while the sun beams on.

An Air Force Honor Guard stood in formation as we took our places. With much solemnity they carefully unfolded and refolded a flag over the small wooden box that held the ashes of a man who had lived eighty-four years, twenty-five of which were in uniform. Those ashes were the only physical remains of a man who kept covenant with one woman for fifty-seven years, reared three children, and delighted in the exploits and successes of nine grandchildren. It was hard to imagine his 5’10” two hundred pound frame in a box that was smaller than most laptops.

Each motion of the flag ceremony was executed with precision. When the final fold was neatly tucked into place, the guard marched in line to a row of rifles. I knew what was coming, but I could not help the involuntary jerk that came with each report. The twenty-one gun salute: An honor reserved for those who have served with distinction. Slowly, the head of the Honor Guard approached my mother with the flag and spoke quiet words no one wants to hear: “On behalf of a grateful nation…”

I don’t know what the Airmen in the Honor Guard thought. They do this routinely. It’s their job. Another World War II veteran dies, another ceremony. Maybe they think it’s just another old codger to bury. I don’t know. I only know that afterwards, when I went to thank them, and told them, with tears, how much it meant to our family that they had come to honor my father, one of them reached out and shook my hand. It was a simple offer of sympathy and regard for our loss. I walked away hoping they understood that what they do matters very much.

A small box doesn’t require a large hole. The hole for my father was much like the hole one would dig for a fence post, only rectangular. An attendant of the cemetery placed the box gently in the grave. My mother laid a single rose, my father’s favorite flower, atop the box. She then tossed in some dirt. My sister and I chose to do the same. As the hole was filled, my mother, sister, brother, and I stood together watching the last of a lifelong relationship being buried. My father’s resting place is under a tree. As I lifted my eyes, I could see he was not alone. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of markers surround him, each representing a soldier, sailor, or airman. It was at once breath-taking and grieving.

The pain will come and go in waves. That’s the professional stance on the grief process. Gradually, it will get better. I believe that. But even with the intellectual foreknowledge we had of his impending death, the heart is still shocked to believe he is never coming home from the hospital. In my heart, I thought my parents would always be there. That childish hope has been shattered by the blunt reality of a marker in a cemetery.

As I write this, I feel the loss deeply, and it makes me want to shut out the world. I can’t begin to fathom what my mother must feel. Yet, I know, as does she, that this is how it must be. God said to Adam, “From dust you were taken and to dust you shall return.” Those words would instill utter hopelessness, were it not for the hope of the resurrection; were it not for the Cross and the Blood of the Lamb that was poured out for my father, my mother, my family, for me—for everyone who trusts in the gift of the Lord’s salvation.

The pain goes with the territory of life in a fallen world. Perhaps that is one of the motivators for seeking meaning and a Something greater outside ourselves and this world. For now, in the pain of loss, I can rejoice because I know the sum of one man’s life does not reside in a small box of ashes buried in the ground. The sum of my father’s life is in the countless people he touched, the lives he enriched. The Lord has kept an account, and I know he heard the words everyone wants to hear: “Well done, good and faithful servant…”

Milestones

2008-05-17T17:58:00.003-05:00

My son is graduating from high school tomorrow. It is a huge milestone, but there have been milestones all along. There was kindergarten, when I first had to learn to let him go and trust that others would treat him well, knowing that he would have to learn how manage and to make friends in a strange place where he knew no one. I had to trust that God would take care of him in my absence. We survived that together.

Then there was grade school graduation, when all we had known for the past eight years was about to change radically. We had lived in a safe comfortable cocoon and now we were facing high school where, once again, my son would have to learn how to manage in a new and different setting and make friends where he knew no one. I had to learn to trust again that others would treat him well, and I had to trust God would take care of him in my absence.

Then came the driver’s license. That meant trusting him to make good and safe decisions, to not speed and drive recklessly. And to trust that those he rode with would also be good drivers. The overnights, the dates, the road trips—I had to trust God would take of him in my absence.

Four years have flown by and now my son is leaving the familiar halls of high school. He is leaving behind good friends, great teachers and experiences that have shaped his teenaged years. He will soon be heading off to West Point where all he has known will change dramatically. Once again, he will have to learn how to manage in a strange place and make friends where he knows no one. He will be challenged in ways he has never experienced, and no matter how much he has tried to prepare, it will be difficult.

To say I have mixed emotions is to understate how I feel. I have pride in his achievements throughout his elementary and secondary schooling. He has worked hard and reached goals that reflect his God given gifts. But like at every milestone in his life, I harbor a mother’s anxious thoughts. Will he be safe? Will he find good and godly friends? Will those who exercise authority over him be mindful of his well being? To put it in basic mother terms: who will take care of my little boy, the one I hugged and kissed; the one who I held when he cried from a skinned knee; the one I applauded at school plays and at every Christmas program, every concert; the one I prayed with, and played with.

He is a man now, but although I understand that, there is the part of me that says he will always be my baby, the one I labored to bring into this world, the one who was and is a gift from God.

Throughout his formative years, his father and I have done our best to teach him faith, to lead him to the relationship with Jesus he needs for salvation. I know he has faith and that is a source of comfort and assurance. But my mother’s heart aches knowing he will soon be beyond my care and protection. People talk about the benefits of an empty nest, but right now it rings hollow.

The day will be here faster than I want it to when we watch him board the plane that will take him to West Point leaving us for longer than he has ever been gone, even adding up all his time away from home up to this point. It will be through tears that I hug him before he goes, tears mixed with pride for who he is and hope for who he will become. I will encourage him in his effort to follow where God is leading, even as I ache for his leaving home. And, once again I will have to trust God to take care of him in my absence. It will be a milestone for me as well.

Words That Wound

2008-05-05T20:28:00.001-05:00

“You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn’t hurt at all” so an old song goes. How true those words are. I can be kind and patient with total strangers but sharp and irritable with loved ones. I can choose words carefully with my customers, yet be careless and thoughtless with the ones closest to me. It’s frustrating for me, and too often hurtful to the ones I love most.

Scripture makes it clear that God is love and those who love him will love others. The bible also says that if we cannot love the person we see, how can we love God whom we do not see? God wants me to love consistently, to behave in loving ways consistently. It’s not that I don’t love those I sometimes hurt, it’s that my actions and words do not always reflect God’s way of loving. So what do I do about that?

I can start with prayer. Taking my short fuse and hasty tendency with words to God in prayer can help me recognize the problem and allow the Holy Spirit to work in me. God’s grace leads to gracious words even when I am tired or stressed. Just becoming aware that I am acting less than loving with those closest to me will help me stop before I go too far.

The Book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom and warnings about our words and their impact on others. We reap what we speak. That is serious stuff. Yet I still too often fall short of living by that. I doubt that I am alone. James in his letter said the tongue was like a fire out of control and that the one who can master it is truly mature as a believer.

Words have power to wound or heal. To have that kind of power at my disposal is an awesome thing and not to be taken lightly. My hope is to learn to master my words and to own my speech as one who is mature in the faith, to respect and have grace in my language given freely to the ones I love most. To always keep a reserve of kind words for the people God has given me as family and friends. I don’t want to hurt the ones I love, the ones I shouldn’t hurt at all. If I live by that goal then God will make it happen in spite of my weaknesses.

God's grace is sufficient for all

2008-04-25T16:16:00.006-05:00

I know people who can take things in stride. They are able to keep a handle on their emotions and stay steady for the most part, although everyone can be pushed only so far. But I will admit to being a very intense person. I try to maintain equilibrium, but often there are times I simply cannot reign in the strong emotions I experience. Most people do not know that I have a mental condition known as hypomania. It is a form of bipolar disorder. It’s a less severe form of it and can be managed with medications, for the most part. But I can still get over the top sometimes in spite of the medications I take to keep me level.

Why am I sharing this? Mainly because I know there are others who suffer silently from other mental conditions, such as depression, and most keep it a secret as if there was something very wrong about it. I know what that feels like. For a long time after my diagnosis, I told only a very few about it. I felt ashamed and defective as a person and somehow less of a Christian.

The church (universal) in general has failed to help those who suffer from mental illness. It’s simpler to call it sin and tell the sufferer that they lack faith in God or that they are unthankful and need to ask forgiveness and pray more. I have been in churches where that was taught and so the intense emotions I experienced, the euphoric highs and the suicidal lows were something I could not own up to and the very few I did share with told me how wrong it was to feel that way. I was a bad Christian, and that only made me feel worse about myself.

I cannot total the times I have prayed about it, asking God to heal me and getting no answer in return, all the while suffering in silence. Anger built and put a block between God and me. I still prayed for others but I had lost hope that he was going to answer prayer in regard to me. I stayed faithful in church attendance, but my relationship with God was one of “I have to do this” in nature. Not the way it should be, nor the way God wants it. But I could not get past the fact that he was not answering my pleas to be “normal”, and I slipped into a deep depression.

As is the nature of the hypomania, I would get out of depression and go to a high place, but again, afterwards slide down into a darker depression. It was a rollercoaster existence. All the while, I wondered why God was silent. Finally, out of desperation I sought medical help and was properly diagnosed and put on a drug regimen. It’s taken about three years to finally find the right meds and dosages to make life better for me and those around me. Throughout the process I was still angry with God because he wasn’t healing me. I argued with him and with others about it. But as I have leveled out, becoming able to think more clearly, I have begun to see that he is answering my prayer through medical intervention.

Paul had a bone to pick with God as well (2 Cor. 12). He pleaded several times to have a “thorn in his flesh” removed because it made life more difficult. God did not answer his plea the way he wanted. God told him, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. Paul’s response was that he would boast in his weakness so that the power of Christ would be fully revealed in him.

My need for medication to keep me grounded and focused is God’s way of telling me that his grace is sufficient for this thorn in my flesh. And since God does not shame his children, then my shame over having a mental illness is misguided. Do I intend to shout it from the roof? No, but I can share like I am now to give hope to someone who may need help and doesn’t know where to turn, or who is afraid to admit that they struggle with depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or any other mental condition. It’s not sin; it’s a physical brain disorder in my case and for others a chemical imbalance that is treatable.

If the church could hear and listen to the hearts of those who struggle to keep in control, they might find compassion rather than fear or misunderstanding. Those who view mental health issues as weakness might be able rethink their position and see with God’s eyes the true nature of believers who are mentally ill, that they are beloved by him just as much as those who are “normal.”

I have stepped out of my comfort zone to say all this. It’s like hanging out the laundry for all to see. Yet I know that someone might find hope in my words and revelation. God does hear and answer prayer. We just don’t always see or expect the answers to come in the guise that they do. God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for all our needs and weaknesses. Grace, God’s grace is really all we need.

Relationships Matter

2008-04-15T20:32:00.001-05:00

There is probably nothing more precious than relationship with others. And nothing is more important for relationship than communication. It’s the glue that binds us together as we interact with one another. When communication fails, then relationships go awry. Assumptions are made, words misspoken, wrong attitudes taken and all because of broken communication.

Recently, I found myself in a situation in which communication broke down. It was no one person’s fault, but it happened all the same and feelings were raw and assumptions were made that didn’t have to happen—all because we did not talk.

When we finally did talk, the air was cleared, emotions were validated; and misunderstandings were straightened out. Though not everyone was in agreement when all was said and done, we agreed to disagree, and love prevailed as will happen if all parties want to keep relationships strong and vital.

God is love and those who love him love each other. That is the hallmark of Christianity. Unity does not mean that all will agree on every issue, but if all seek God’s will then we will stand together in one accord in the desire to carry the good news of Jesus death and resurrection. That is how love works. Every aspect of our relationships is important to God and the Holy Spirit actively works in our hearts and minds to keep our love for one another strong. What God wants is to see us loving one another even we don’t agree on all issues.

There are issues that are non-negotiable, the tenants of the Christian faith, but as the saying goes, in essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity. All the parties involved allowed love to rule the day and in the end relationships were maintained and I believe were strengthened too.

I love those God has placed in my life and will do whatever it takes to insure that the relationships God has granted will grow and flourish. Love will rule the rule the day and all will be richer for it. For that I am grateful and praise God for making it all possible.

Joy In All things

2008-04-12T17:31:00.006-05:00

Ever since we found out my son has been accepted to West Point, it’s been one big roller coaster ride. We have been hit with required information requests that have us running all over town: Immunizations and tests, dental appointments, eye exams, etc. And it all has to be in yesterday. Joy tempered with a lot of have to do’s.

Life mirrors our current experience, joy tempered by demands, at least it seems that way sometimes. A great new job offset by a longer and more irritating commute, or a bundle of joy baby that never sleeps when you need to; a new home that requires a time and monetary investment to maintain unlike renting. The fact is there are always things that conspire to lessen or even rob us entirely of joy. Blessing added with sorrow is how someone once put it.

But God doesn’t add sorrow to his blessings. They are completely joy based. Proverbs 10:22 says, The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it. It is his intent that his blessings bring joy, abundant joy. He delights in our laughter and light-heartedness. He delights in giving good gifts to his children. Life just sometimes dishes out stress and we end up losing our grip on joy. Add to that the fact that Jesus told us Satan, the enemy of our soul, comes to steal, kill and destroy. He actively works to wrest our joy from us. It’s like a double whammy.

The good news is we don’t have to give in to joy robbing feelings. In Galatians, Paul listed the fruit of the Spirit and joy is the second one listed right after love. God joy. In spite of life’s demands and the efforts of the evil one, we can find joy in what God has done and continues to do for us. If we ask, he will give us sight to see the blessings that are always a part of our lives as believers. That baby that won’t sleep will charm with smiles and giggles. The realization that having a house, however humble and needing of repair is more than most of the rest of the world’s population can boast. Having a job, any job is something some do not have.

There are those who face great challenges, some good, some not, and God has promised joy can and will be a part of that experience. Joy, though it may be lost temporarily, is given by a good and loving God and Jesus promised it will never be taken away (John 16:22). Blessings and joy, God joy, is what God intends for his children to experience in this life, not just the next. We can all pray together and we can share with one another our joy and those things that seem to diminish it, and like a light that cannot be extinguished, joy will creep into every dark place and burst out when we seek it. That’s a promise.

God Block

2008-04-09T19:26:00.003-05:00

It’s been a few days since I wrote anything. I’ve been unable to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to the keyboard. I’ve had the time and have stared at a blank page repeatedly waiting for inspiration to strike. Something profound and insightful, and instead I’m admitting that I have nothing of note to say.

I had the germ of an idea come to me while I was driving home from church, but got distracted, and for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was, which is very frustrating. I get ideas for what to write just about everywhere but at home with my computer at the ready. I can usually run for the computer when I get home and let the words flow. But today and the last several days, the tap has run dry.

What I am learning as a writer is that it’s okay if I occasionally have writer’s block. It’s not the end of the world. Words will eventually come again. So it also is with the overwhelming sense of God’s presence. There are times when it seems he is present to me in tangible ways. I can literally feel him around me. But times do come when I feel quite alone and I wonder where he went, why I no longer sense his being. It’s a spiritual form of writer’s block: Spirit block.

I know that sin can block the presence, the awareness of God’s nearness, but it’s not always a sin issue. He promised that if we diligently seek him, he will make himself clearly known (Hebrews 11:6, 1 Chronicles 28:9). I know that God does not play “stump the believer.” If he withdraws for a season, there is good reason. I think God masks himself at times to see what we will do. I think he wants to see how much and how hard we will pursue him. Like a lover, he wants to see if we desire him as well. And he is the lover of our souls. Jesus made it very clear through the cross.

When I am in the midst of writer’s block, I make myself write something, anything at all. It doesn’t have to be great, but to write anything helps keep the words coming. So too is the discipline of the faith walk. When God seems a million miles away, I keep praying and reading the bible. It helps keep me from losing heart when I no longer feel the mountaintop high of being so near to God that I could almost reach out and touch him.

The valleys in the spirit life will come, but as David wrote so well: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil for you are with me (NRSV). We will have times of apparent abandonment, but they are only temporary, and our feelings mislead us in that the truth is God is always near us, and as believers, in us.

My writer’s block will end, but God’s presence will not. I know that as long as I go ahead and make the effort to seek, there will be reward in the end. Words will come, and God will once again make his face to shine on me. How wonderful is that?

God is Great, God is Good

2008-04-03T18:19:00.004-05:00

I work in a library, so I get to see a lot of books. I am always interested in what others are reading. Books pass through my hands that look they might be good reads. Others I can only think, “Why would you read that?” and whisper a prayer for them.

One title that has been getting a lot of attention lately is a book entitled God is not Great. Every time I see it, the childhood grace prayer comes to mind as I think “but God is great and God is good. How could anyone write a book with that title?” And again, I pray for the person who is checking the book out.

But the book made me stop and ask myself if I have ever doubted God’s greatness and goodness. I have to admit, there have been times when I have in fact doubted that God cared about what was going on in my life because of what I preceive as unanswered prayer. That’s a hard thing to own up to. Christians aren’t supposed to feel that way. But I have been angry with God on more than one occasion, doubting that his nature is always good. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it. But truth has a way of freeing us to change our attitudes. I share this because I know I do not suffer from “terminal uniqueness” and others have experienced the same feelings at times. They are not alone, nor are they bad.

That God is great is declared throughout the Bible. Psalm 19: 1-2 says, The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork. In Romans 1:20 Paul writes, Ever since the creation of the world, his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. God’s greatness revealed to all through creation.

But God’s goodness is also evident. In Matthew 5:45 Jesus said God causes the sun to rise on all and the rain to fall for the righteous as well as the unrighteous. All through David’s psalms, he speaks of God’s goodness to the people of Israel even though they sinned time and again. In my own life, God’s goodness has been shown repeatedly; even when angry at times and in sin, his mercy has never waned.

I might read the book to see why the author feels that way. Just as I am not alone in my times of doubt, so too, he is not alone in feeling that God is not all he’s cracked up to be. We have a mandate from the Lord to tell the good news to the world that he loves people, enough to have died for them. For me, there is no more time to be wasted questioning God’s nature. I have been lovingly chastened for it by him. The world is full of people who question God and we need to share the news that indeed God is great, God is good.

The Will to Believe

2008-04-01T17:43:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it’s just hard to believe for the best; at least it is for me. I don’t think I am alone in that regard. Circumstances crowd in and choke out faith. But faith is defined in scripture as believing in things not yet seen, things not yet realized (Hebrews 11). Faith is what it's all about. God-sized faith. So where does this faith come from?

For me, faith comes as I read my bible. It comes as I talk with other believers about the trials I am facing and about the hope that is ours in Christ. The input from both builds me, but that can’t be all. There has to be a willingness on my part to believe. That may sound off, but it’s true. I can read the bible all day and poll everyone in my life, but all the words will mean nothing if I am not willing to believe that God answers prayer and has the ability to shape my life in ways that transform me.

I have to be brutally honest here. There have been times in my faith walk when I have not always been willing to believe. It’s not a conscious unwillingness, but it can be there nonetheless. The last bout took me a while to recognize. It slowly became apparent to me that I was unwilling as I asked the same questions over and over, never quite believing the answer I was getting from people I hold in high esteem, people I trust. It was a fear issue. In doing so, I was not allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. I was holding onto my fear. It was easier to live with what I had been feeling for so long than it was to let go and move on. Ouch.

God-sized faith doesn’t come naturally to us. It is a gift, but we need to accept it. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus is the pioneer and perfector of our faith (NRSV). When I falter, I can look to Jesus to give me the faith I need to believe as well as the gift of willingness. It's all about him. He is the giver and sustainer of the faith necessary to please God. In Psalm 27, David said, I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord. He was able to say that after writing about his many troubles (read the whole Psalm). He was willing to believe and that willingness helped transform him and sustain him.

God never promised it would be easy to believe, but he promised that he would save, deliver and defend. That is something I can believe in. I am willing.

The 4:00 a.m. Matins

2008-03-30T05:34:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here at four in the morning writing because I am unable to sleep. I have medications that help me fall asleep, but they haven’t done the job tonight. I guess I have too much on my mind.

I’ll call this the 4:00 am matins. I will sing and chant quietly to myself through this essay about the greatness of God and his mercy that endures forever. Getting up in the wee hours has been a routine for certain monks for centuries, singing Psalms in order to draw closer to God. That is why I’m not just grabbing the latest book I am reading, but rather trying to draw closer to God through this pray that I am writing, because all done in his name is a form of prayer, of humble adoration to the One who owns all my time.

There is a quality of silence when you are up before most of the world, at least the world in the neighborhood. Before cars start up and clock alarms blare and coffee percolates. It is a silence that leads me toward the holy place of God’s presence. Sometimes I sit and breathe my prayers quietly. Other times I write them as I am doing now. God’s Spirit is directing my thoughts as I write and in the end, I will have an essay of his to share.

Jesus used to rise early before the din of the day began. He would withdraw from the crowds of the day, from the disciples and go to a quiet place to be alone in prayer with his Father. I can’t count the number of times I have said I would do the same only to end up like Peter, James and John who kept falling asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane when they had been asked to pray. Prayer, the God kind of prayer takes discipline and determination that I simply do not routinely have, sometimes, but mostly not. That is a confession I must make. I am not a prayer warrior like some I have known. Not by a long shot. But I am trying now to connect with my Savior and I know he is awaiting me.

God is a good and gracious God. His mercy endures forever, his steadfast love renewed each day and I am up early to get a chance to come into his presence to prepare my heart for all that he has for me this day. Normally I would be sleeping, but he awakened me to write for him, and so I do. Maybe it is an exhortation to those who have sleepless nights to read the bible rather the latest bestseller. To pray rather than turn on the TV to watch some late night program, to watch the sunrise and rejoice in a new day that God has given as a gift to you. Or maybe it is to write a prayer in a journal with the expectation that you will soon be able to record God’s answer to that prayer.

As I sit here and write, I am aware of his presence and it stirs me. It makes me more keenly aware of how I traipse through my days unaware of his indwelling Spirit. I get too busy and it feels like he gets left behind in my rush to accomplish daily duties. But he isn’t gone, he is still there waiting for me to stop and think of him, if only for a moment. To breathe in his presence and to breathe out my prayer of gratitude for his mercy in my life. To quietly remember the suffering of his Son on my behalf, to experience the humility of knowing how lost I would be without him. It only takes a few moments stolen at lunch or a coffee break to thank him for his daily grace.

I write this as much for me as for others. The Psalms are filled with prayers and hymns that we can use as prayer guides. They speak to the human experience in the search for God’s presence. He is always there. We just need to take a moment and seek. When we do, we will find him. That is his promise.

Dwelling in Unity

2008-03-27T10:46:00.003-05:00

How wonderful it is, how pleasant, when brothers live together in harmony! Psalm 133:1

Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Rejoice. Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 Cor. 13:11

How hard it is sometimes to live at peace with one another. We are all so different in so many ways in personality and life experience. Yet, scripture urges us to be unified in order to work in harmony for the same goal: Extending the kingdom of God. We all have differing roles in doing kingdom work, as Paul teaches in his well known analogy of the body parts (1 Cor. 12). We all need each other, different as we are.

In the same chapter of 1Cor., Paul wrote that God has given each of us different gifts to serve him, and he has also given people as gifts to the church for the purpose of equipping the saints to do the work. All of the spiritual gifts and the gifts of people are to work in harmony. Nothing disrupts kingdom work more than division among God’s people. That is why Paul wrote about it. He knew that things that divide could crop up and undo all that has been accomplished. How Satan loves that.

We are not cookie cutter people. In other words, we are not exactly the same. There are personality conflicts. There are differences of opinion about matters of theology and church governance. There are differences in thought about whether or not infant baptism is valid, if one is sprinkled or dunked. There are myriad issues that can divide and all grieve God when it causes splits in the church. But one thing is clear, we are to love one another and respect one another as well as the authority of those who have been appointed to lead the church. In Hebrews the author writes: Obey your spiritual leaders and do what they say. Their work is to watch over your souls and they know they are accountable to God. Give them reason to do this joyfully and not with sorrow. That would certainly not be for your benefit. (13 :17)

Why do I write about this? Because I sometimes don’t agree with the leadership God has placed over me. But I am convinced that all leadership comes from God and therefore I am to pray for the leaders in my life from the President to my boss, to my pastor, to the elders and trust that God will use them to shape me into the person he has called me to be. If it were easy to always live in harmony, we’d never grow in appreciation and respect and love for one another. As it is, when I disagree, it is a chance for me to learn submission, something that definitely does not come naturally for me. Telling the truth in love means being gentle, approaching in private and doing all that can be done to be reconciled. Depending on circumstances, sometimes being right can be wrong.

I need to look hard at myself and ask God to reveal to me where I am a cause of division and repent by cleaning up my side of the street before crossing it to reach out to my brother or sister. Humbleness goes a long way toward being in harmony. I pray that I can be humble in all my relationships, to my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my husband, my son, my coworkers at my job. To all God has placed in my life. It may not always be easy, but God gives grace to make it be so.

An Empty Tomb

2008-03-22T17:58:00.003-05:00

Maundy Thursday and Good Friday have passed. Today is a day of waiting for the Lord’s resurrection, though to the disciples, it was a day of agonized fear. All they thought they knew was gone. They were sure they had found the Messiah, but before their very eyes, he was cruelly murdered and they had to hide from the authorities lest they too be arrested.

Whatever they were thinking and talking about, it wasn’t hopeful. We see Saturday from a perspective that they were not able. It was not a time of expectation for them. It was a day of dread and hopelessness. I can imagine them debating what to do next, but always falling back on the tearful silence that comes when your world has fallen apart and you don’t know what to do next.

There have been times in my life when all that I thought I knew fell apart. Such a time was twenty-four years ago when I was in the last stages of alcoholism. I wanted my life to be better, but I could not see how that was possible. It was a time of utter hopelessness. I could not see a future of anything but the same futile way of living. But then a glimmer of hope was extended to me in the form of AA and I saw that a new life was within my reach.

I understand the hopelessness the disciples must have felt on that Saturday before the resurrection. My hopelessness paralleled it. But like Easter morning when the stone was rolled away and the tomb was found to be empty, my life under went a profound resurrection as well. My own form of death was overcome by a new way of living. I was given new life by the One who stepped out of the tomb 2,000 years ago and made all things new.

The grave is empty. That is why we celebrate Easter. Death and sin no longer rule, but rather life and righteousness. God has conquered death and it no longer has dominion over those who believe. We have much to rejoice about in this holy time of year.

Whatever may be a matter of hopelessness in your life, let me encourage you with the picture of a garden and two women who are on their way to anoint a dead body. As they walk there, they ask one another who will roll away the huge stone that encloses the tomb entrance. But when they arrive, rather than seeing a boulder in their path, they see an angel who asks them why they are seeking the living among the dead, that the one they seek is no longer in the grave but has risen and calls them to follow him in newness of life.

A new hope was born that day and that hope is there for all who seek it. It can never be taken away. Light has overcome darkness, life has overcome death, and joy has overcome grief. My prayer is for those who need hope, that they will find it because he is risen. He is risen indeed!

God is good all the time

2008-03-19T11:05:00.003-05:00

This morning while I was drying off from my shower, my back began to spasm. Every now and then, for no apparent reason, my back will go into painful spasms and I am in agony. I quickly did some stretching exercises to head it off, but it is only in a "when you least expect it I will get you" mode. I am praying that it not lock up for days which can happen.

There have been times when circumstances in my life seem to do the same thing: sneak up on me and cause pain. There appears to be no particular reason why some things happen out of the blue. A car accident, a sudden illness, an unexpected expense, a quarrel that seems to come out of nowhere. Where is God in those events?

My pastor has a phrase she uses frequently: "if God is in it, then it's all good." The assumption being that God is present at all times and in all places and therefore is in every area and aspect of our lives, the good and what seems bad at the moment. The reason why all things work out for good is that God himself is good and lives in every believer. Our lives are a journey that sometimes includes trials of various sorts and though at the time we may feel pain, nevertheless, God's presence assures us that in the end, all will be well. Like the old adage, "all is well that ends well," God promises that we will look back on our lives and see how all the times of our lives add up to joy and peace, even that which was painful at the time.

And if God is present in all events that touch us, then nothing is happenstance. All things work together, the seemingly mundane as well as the momentous events. Day to day living, in a walk with God that can be wild and scary at times, but in the end is worth it.

In the big picture, my back spasm isn't of eternal consequence. It is a frustrating condition that I have to live with and I can choose to complain or I can choose to thank God for medications that ease my suffering. It's a tiny step in character development. I will do some more stretches and take medicine if it hurts too much. And I will thank God that he is near me in all that happens, good and not so good. All is well that ends well.

Resting in the Lord

2008-03-16T14:37:00.002-05:00

I took a “mental health day” this past week. Now and then I need one to keep from allowing emotions to run amok. I am grateful to have a job where I can take off on occasion and a boss who agrees that a break now and then is a good thing. It’s a mini vacation that helps me step back from the demands of the job and take a breather to relax.

We all need some time now and then to relax and renew. Life can be demanding and we need mental play time to stay fresh and on top of things. Jesus knew this when he called his disciples away from the presence of the crowds that formed wherever he went. He understood that the demands of ministry could be draining and that unless the disciples rested and got filled up again, they would be running on empty and that would diminish the effectiveness of their work. Jesus also needed break time, though it was often interrupted, and he spent hours in prayer, away from everyone. It was his way of recharging.

Ministry is demanding. But we need to remember that it’s not just Jesus and the disciples. It’s not just the pastor, or the elders or deacons. It’s us. We all have a ministry that the Lord has assigned us. And unless we take breaks now and then, we wear down and lose our focus then things suffer. Maybe it shows up as a stressed marriage or strained relationships with children. Maybe it’s a stumble on the straight and narrow in the workplace where gossip and backbiting flourish. Maybe it’s not praying daily for others. We have ministries that God has given us, but we can only keep pouring ourselves out for so long, and then we need to regroup and rest or we lose sight of what matters most.

This week, try to step back, if only briefly, and catch your breath. You will be a better husband or wife, a better parent and friend. You’ll be a better witness and find greater desire to pray and read the word if you allow yourself to take time to relax and renew. How you do that is unique to you. Read, listen to music, prepare a new recipe, or take a walk. Just stop for a while and let God fill you up again so you will be ready for what lies ahead each day. Ministry is a gift, but so is rest.

To Everything There is a Season

2008-03-13T18:44:00.004-05:00

The first time I heard the words, “To everything there is a season” it was a song sung by the Byrds in the ‘60s (I’m dating myself). I just loved the song. I had no idea that the lyrics came right out of the Bible. Years later, I found them in the 3rd chapter of Ecclesiastes. The verses speak of changing seasons. Our lives are a constant ebb and flow of changes. There are seasons of sitting, of predictability, but they don’t last.

The author of those verses understood that God was present in all seasons. Hundreds of years later another writer would describe Jesus as the same yesterday, today and forever. Still another would speak of God as the Alpha and Omega. He is the firm foundation on which we can stand when everything around us is shifting.

Changes can be difficult. We resist the unknown because the familiar, even if it’s not so hot, is more comfortable. Like the Israelites, we can begin to think the past was better because change requires so much and we’d rather not go there. But even if the present is going well, God sometimes asks us to let go of the present good so he can bring about the future best. He asks us to trust. Not always an easy thing to do.

If you have never read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, I encourage you to do so. In those words you will find an outline of your life’s journey. Another ‘60s anthem said, “the times they are a’changing.” How very true. It’s for us to watch for God’s hand in the changes we experience. It’s there if we look.

Though Trials May Come

2008-03-08T13:28:00.002-06:00

There are days when nothing goes right. I stub my toe getting out of bed, the toast burns, I'm late for work and customers are royal pains. These are the days that try me and I admit I don't always live up to the title Christian. It's like I'm watching myself in slow-motion and see I am about to stumble and fall, yet am powerless to stop it all from happening. Or am I?

Awhile back I watched the movie "Evan Almighty." It's a cute feel-good movie about a modern day Noah. Tucked in among all the silliness was a nugget of truth. In one scene, God (Morgan Freeman) is talking to the wife of "Noah" and listens as she pours out her frustrations and fears. In response, he tells her that when we pray for courage God doesn't just give us courage, rather he gives us opportunity to be courageous. When we ask for patience, the chance comes to demostrate patience. That scene made me cry because he spoke it so kindly and I realized how true the words were. We cannot live by the strength of Holy Spirit or demonstrate his nature without trials.

Days like today were tailor made for the Holy Spirit to reveal himself to the world through us. It is when demands increase and stress abounds that we have opportunity to let him show his character through us. Do we get it right every time? No, at least I don't, but eventually we do. He keeps giving us chances to grow. James 1:2-4 says, "My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing."

Some trials are life and death issues, like a cancer diagnosis, a lost job, the death of a loved one, and others are simply everyday stresses that have worn us down. But the words of James applies equally in all trials. While we are in the world, God grants opportunites for us to learn to be like Jesus everyday of our lives through the power of the Holy Spirit. He also grants us the companionship and fellowship of other believers who walk with us through the trials that come our way.

Regardless of how our days/lives are going, God has promised to uphold us and extend his grace so we may bear the burdens and show ourselves children of our Father. We are not alone. Praise God for his great mercy and wisdom! May you know the love and grace of God that surpasses all understanding in all your trials today.

Partaking of the Spirit

2008-03-02T13:48:00.004-06:00

Today I participated in the sacrament of Holy Communion. It is a ritual my church observes monthly. While Protestants in general partake of it as a remembrance of the death of Christ, my Lutheran roots have never left me and it is so much more than that to me. There is something mysterious and almost mystical in the partaking of the Lord's Supper. The Holy Spirit is present in the elements, dispensing the grace of God in a very real and tangible way. I cannot receive the broken bread and the fruit of the vine without feeling the presence of grace in my life. I am a sinner and in need of God's gift of salvation extended through the body and blood of Jesus. Communion reminds me of that every time I take it.

Holy Communion is a means by which God's gift of salvation is made evident for all to see. In the breaking of the bread and the drinking of the cup, we proclaim Christ's death until he returns. It is the recalling to mind that it is only through Christ's death that we can be forgiven our sins. There had to be death before there could be resurrection. Holy Communion is the visible sacrament that shows forth the inestimable cost of salvation that was paid for us sinners to secure our salvation. In partaking of the sacrament, we can enter into his presence intimately because he is found in the elements. The gift of grace is received anew and in that we have the forgiveness of sins and the assurance of salvation.

Whatever your faith tradition is, communion should be a time of reflection on your need for cleansing from sin and need of salvation. Regardless of how we have fallen short, God's grace restores us time and again. Communion is his means of conveying that wondrous truth and assures our hearts of his unfailing love. Because of that, I take every opportunity to partake of communion. I need the grace that is made evident in that sacrament. My prayer is all who participate would sense the renewal and restoration that flows from the Holy Spirit. It is his free gift to all who come to his table of mercy.

All things considered

2008-03-01T15:34:00.000-06:00

For some time now I have considered blogging, but I was reluctant to do so for several reasons, chief of which is that I'm not certain I have very much to say that is of interest to those who read blogs. I also am not sure I can keep a blog up-to-date or relevant to readers. I also am reluctant to do something just because everyone is doing it. Having said all that, I have decided that I will take the plunge and write about the things that are important to me, and hopefully will strike others as important. I will not be political and will probably be pedestrian at times, but I will do my best to write well and to write about that which matters most: a life of faith in Jesus Christ. I doubt I will write daily, but when I do write, it will be a written testimony of my faith travels and travails, some of which will be familiar to readers from their own journeys. If I can spread hope and insight, then I will have done well in doing this. I invite readers to give feedback and share their stories as well. We can all learn from each other, indeed God intends that. So, here it is, my first blog. I hope to write more soon.