Recently I had to deal with something that no one wants to
face: cancer. I had a large mole on my calf for years. It was a part of my
anatomy and I just accepted its presence. But over the past year it had been
growing larger. Still, I didn’t think much about it. But then it began to darken
in the middle and develop an irregular shape. I thought it was odd, but that
was all. But when I felt a lump, something started niggling in my mind to go
see a dermatologist. Still, I let it go a couple months while the thought
persisted.
Finally, I thought maybe I shouldn’t ignore it and went to
see a dermatologist who took one look and said he was 80-90% sure it was
Melanoma. He removed it and sent it in for analysis, and yes, it was Melanoma,
the number one skin cancer killer. After a tense week the pathology report came back and said it was
shallow enough that it had not reached my lymph system and all that would be
required was the removal of more surrounding tissue, which because I let it go
so long was a lot.
When he said the word Melanoma, I had no questions for him.
I was too stunned. I know how dangerous it is. I was numb. But soon the
numbness wore off and two things happened. I became very anxious and very
depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And I definitely
didn’t want to go to work and be around people which my job is all about. I was
sinking into a deep hole. The only prayer I prayed about it was, “God, I don’t
want to have cancer.” It was all I could muster.
My psychiatrist increased my antidepressant and I got mental
health time off work. I was also taking anti-anxiety medication. In short, I
was a mess. All because of the thought of having cancer. To get straight to the
point, I was not being a model Christian. Where was my faith? Looking back, I
am amazed because I have been through some pretty difficult trials in my life
and faith has carried me. So why would I falter now?
In his letter to the various churches, Peter said that
trials are to prove the genuineness of our faith which is more precious than
gold. But what kind of faith was he referring to? I believe he was referring to
the faith that results in our salvation and in that sense, I never wavered.
Never once did I doubt that. The faith I failed in was that of believing I
would be okay. I forgot the promise that God would never leave me nor forsake
me, that he is goodness personified.
The trial was not intended to deliberately trip me up, or to
make me look bad or feel bad about myself. It was intended to help me see what
I need to work on in order to grow deeper in faith. We all have a breaking
point and I think God leads us there to help us grow and mature in faith. I
praise God that things turned out as they did and that I listened to what was
obviously the Holy Spirit nudging me to go to the doctor. I have every
confidence that I have learned from this and with God’s help will grow from it.
When you are lead to that place, and you will be, I pray when you come out on the other side, your faith will be deeper and stronger
because of it, that you will not be dismayed, but determined and find the peace
that passes all understanding.
