Keeping Hope

Déjà vu. That’s what it is. I feel like, no, I know I have been here before. Coming full circle, once again I am visiting depression, a dark place I would never wish on anyone. It’s been some time since I found myself in this place. I have been hiding it for some time now. Faking the smile while inside feeling like I am coming apart.  I don’t like being here, but at least know what to expect, if that makes any sense.

I didn’t arrive here overnight. It’s been a gradual decline and now it’s deeper than it has been for quite awhile. I haven’t been sleeping and I have reached a point of sheer exhaustion. Perhaps the depression is the outcome. I don’t know. Or the sleep disturbance is the result of the depression. All I know is now I have taken three week’s unpaid leave from work to try medications to see if I can find something that will help me sleep and help consistently. And then just maybe the depression will lift.

While I was still working, I still turned out of bed with the alarm set a half hour earlier than necessary to spend my early mornings in prayer and reading the bible. I will admit, my prayers often drifted with sleepiness and my comprehension of what I was reading wasn’t so great, but I went through the motions out of discipline, whether or not I felt I could. Sometimes in a fog I could only manage, “Bless them all.” But at times it was the best I could possibly do.

The alarm isn’t set now; there is no reason for it. But I am still starting my day with bible reading and prayer. It’s pretty much the same struggle until we find something that works. If I don’t keep up with doing this I fear losing hope of getting better, which happens in depression.

So what happens if I start sleeping and the depression lingers. I don’t know. I suppose a medication change, ECT maybe. I hope it will lift like the exhaustion. I just want to be well again. Depression is not a small thing. It affects all of you, body and emotions. It’s like having a heavy leaden ball and chain tied around your neck and trying to walk with it hung there. Forward progress is nigh impossible and standing in one place is painful from the sheer weight of it pulling on you. In other words, you hurt no matter what.

Psalm 61:1-4 says, “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to rock that is higher than I; for you are my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me abide in your tent forever, find refuge under the shelter of your wings.” The Lord will keep me. The Lord will lead me to where I need to be. He is my refuge. I will wait upon him and in him I will trust. To whom else can I go? I know where my hope lies and it’s in the Lord, my Savior. 

Wrestling With God

I have been through much in my walk with God. He has led me to places I would have never gone left on my own. I have had mountain top experiences where I never wanted to come down, and fearful, difficult walks through valleys that seemed endless. In all, He has been with me, though at times I have certainly doubted.

Throughout my faith journey, I have had “Jacob times” and “Jonah times.” Every Christian goes through these experiences, some more than others, depending on the condition of their heart. Some of us are just more strong-willed than others. Jacob and Jonah were both such men. The story of their lives as recorded in Scripture gives us hope that God is graceful in dealing with our restless, willfully wandering hearts.

Jacob was a self-made man. If the song had been written then, he would have been singing, “I did it my way.” Given the choice, he was willing to connive and manipulate to get his way. Yet, he is considered a man of great faith and God’s favor rested on him. His descendents referred to God as the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Whatever his faults, Jacob knew God and worshipped Him. More importantly, God knew and loved Jacob.

Jacob’s knowledge of and reverence for God was frequently punctuated with his self-directed ways. He wanted God, but he wanted Him on his own terms. It took a crisis to bring Jacob to a place of surrender, but not without a fight. Genesis 32 records the story of Jacob wrestling with an angel of God-some believe it was the Lord himself. He was in essence wrestling with God over his future. This struggle we go through is our “Jacob time.” Wanting God’s will, blessing, and presence, but fearful of the future, of where He is leading, the consequences that may follow.

In the struggle, Jacob would not surrender and finally the angel touched him in a way that left him with a limp. In the end, Jacob received God’s blessing, but the limp remained—a reminder of God’s ultimate authority over our lives—and Jacob was transformed and given a new name that reflected his true status before God.

Jonah was also strong-willed, as well as fearful and angry. While he reverenced God, he was unwilling to surrender to God’s will because he didn’t want the certain outcome of obeying. Unlike Jacob, he did not wrestle with God, rather, he ran from Him. Turbulent circumstances and three days in the belly of a whale brought him to the place of surrender. Even then, it was not with complete willingness. Yet, God loved him too. Scripture does not record Jonah’s ultimate transformation, but I cannot help but believe he was changed by his obedience to God, seeing things from His perspective.

Jacob and Jonah fought God each in their own way, but in the end, were transformed through the experience by surrender. I, too, seem to bounce between the two, sometimes experiencing both simultaneously. Jacob was left with a limp, a reminder of his struggle. Anyone who has wrestled with God is limping in some fashion. Jonah had to learn to accept God’s will and understand the intentions of God’s heart, His mercy and grace.

I don’t pretend to understand why God permits Jacob and Jonah times, but I believe it is because we were fashioned for intimate relationship with Him. We are born with the heart of Adam, and through these times, slowly but surely, our hearts are being transformed into the heart of Jesus, who was willing to do all His Father’s will. For some of us, it takes more wrestling and running than others, but the promise is we will all get there together as we bear one another in fellowship through the church.

Love, grace, and prayer are what we offer to those who are going through those times. And as each of us emerges from our struggles, we know God more intimately and have more compassion to extend to others in the faith community, and to those who have yet to come to faith. The Jacob and Jonah times are not in vain, they are a part of the journey of faith, the fire we must all pass through to reach the promise that calls us upward. By God’s grace, we will all arrive.