I know people who can take things in stride. They are able to keep a handle on their emotions and stay steady for the most part, although everyone can be pushed only so far. But I will admit to being a very intense person. I try to maintain equilibrium, but often there are times I simply cannot reign in the strong emotions I experience. Most people do not know that I have a mental condition known as hypomania. It is a form of bipolar disorder. It’s a less severe form of it and can be managed with medications, for the most part. But I can still get over the top sometimes in spite of the medications I take to keep me level.
Why am I sharing this? Mainly because I know there are others who suffer silently from other mental conditions, such as depression, and most keep it a secret as if there was something very wrong about it. I know what that feels like. For a long time after my diagnosis, I told only a very few about it. I felt ashamed and defective as a person and somehow less of a Christian.
The church (universal) in general has failed to help those who suffer from mental illness. It’s simpler to call it sin and tell the sufferer that they lack faith in God or that they are unthankful and need to ask forgiveness and pray more. I have been in churches where that was taught and so the intense emotions I experienced, the euphoric highs and the suicidal lows were something I could not own up to and the very few I did share with told me how wrong it was to feel that way. I was a bad Christian, and that only made me feel worse about myself.
I cannot total the times I have prayed about it, asking God to heal me and getting no answer in return, all the while suffering in silence. Anger built and put a block between God and me. I still prayed for others but I had lost hope that he was going to answer prayer in regard to me. I stayed faithful in church attendance, but my relationship with God was one of “I have to do this” in nature. Not the way it should be, nor the way God wants it. But I could not get past the fact that he was not answering my pleas to be “normal”, and I slipped into a deep depression.
As is the nature of the hypomania, I would get out of depression and go to a high place, but again, afterwards slide down into a darker depression. It was a rollercoaster existence. All the while, I wondered why God was silent. Finally, out of desperation I sought medical help and was properly diagnosed and put on a drug regimen. It’s taken about three years to finally find the right meds and dosages to make life better for me and those around me. Throughout the process I was still angry with God because he wasn’t healing me. I argued with him and with others about it. But as I have leveled out, becoming able to think more clearly, I have begun to see that he is answering my prayer through medical intervention.
Paul had a bone to pick with God as well (2 Cor. 12). He pleaded several times to have a “thorn in his flesh” removed because it made life more difficult. God did not answer his plea the way he wanted. God told him, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. Paul’s response was that he would boast in his weakness so that the power of Christ would be fully revealed in him.
My need for medication to keep me grounded and focused is God’s way of telling me that his grace is sufficient for this thorn in my flesh. And since God does not shame his children, then my shame over having a mental illness is misguided. Do I intend to shout it from the roof? No, but I can share like I am now to give hope to someone who may need help and doesn’t know where to turn, or who is afraid to admit that they struggle with depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or any other mental condition. It’s not sin; it’s a physical brain disorder in my case and for others a chemical imbalance that is treatable.
If the church could hear and listen to the hearts of those who struggle to keep in control, they might find compassion rather than fear or misunderstanding. Those who view mental health issues as weakness might be able rethink their position and see with God’s eyes the true nature of believers who are mentally ill, that they are beloved by him just as much as those who are “normal.”
I have stepped out of my comfort zone to say all this. It’s like hanging out the laundry for all to see. Yet I know that someone might find hope in my words and revelation. God does hear and answer prayer. We just don’t always see or expect the answers to come in the guise that they do. God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for all our needs and weaknesses. Grace, God’s grace is really all we need.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Relationships Matter
There is probably nothing more precious than relationship with others. And nothing is more important for relationship than communication. It’s the glue that binds us together as we interact with one another. When communication fails, then relationships go awry. Assumptions are made, words misspoken, wrong attitudes taken and all because of broken communication.
Recently, I found myself in a situation in which communication broke down. It was no one person’s fault, but it happened all the same and feelings were raw and assumptions were made that didn’t have to happen—all because we did not talk.
When we finally did talk, the air was cleared, emotions were validated; and misunderstandings were straightened out. Though not everyone was in agreement when all was said and done, we agreed to disagree, and love prevailed as will happen if all parties want to keep relationships strong and vital.
God is love and those who love him love each other. That is the hallmark of Christianity. Unity does not mean that all will agree on every issue, but if all seek God’s will then we will stand together in one accord in the desire to carry the good news of Jesus death and resurrection. That is how love works. Every aspect of our relationships is important to God and the Holy Spirit actively works in our hearts and minds to keep our love for one another strong. What God wants is to see us loving one another even we don’t agree on all issues.
There are issues that are non-negotiable, the tenants of the Christian faith, but as the saying goes, in essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity. All the parties involved allowed love to rule the day and in the end relationships were maintained and I believe were strengthened too.
I love those God has placed in my life and will do whatever it takes to insure that the relationships God has granted will grow and flourish. Love will rule the rule the day and all will be richer for it. For that I am grateful and praise God for making it all possible.
Recently, I found myself in a situation in which communication broke down. It was no one person’s fault, but it happened all the same and feelings were raw and assumptions were made that didn’t have to happen—all because we did not talk.
When we finally did talk, the air was cleared, emotions were validated; and misunderstandings were straightened out. Though not everyone was in agreement when all was said and done, we agreed to disagree, and love prevailed as will happen if all parties want to keep relationships strong and vital.
God is love and those who love him love each other. That is the hallmark of Christianity. Unity does not mean that all will agree on every issue, but if all seek God’s will then we will stand together in one accord in the desire to carry the good news of Jesus death and resurrection. That is how love works. Every aspect of our relationships is important to God and the Holy Spirit actively works in our hearts and minds to keep our love for one another strong. What God wants is to see us loving one another even we don’t agree on all issues.
There are issues that are non-negotiable, the tenants of the Christian faith, but as the saying goes, in essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity. All the parties involved allowed love to rule the day and in the end relationships were maintained and I believe were strengthened too.
I love those God has placed in my life and will do whatever it takes to insure that the relationships God has granted will grow and flourish. Love will rule the rule the day and all will be richer for it. For that I am grateful and praise God for making it all possible.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Joy In All things
Ever since we found out my son has been accepted to West Point, it’s been one big roller coaster ride. We have been hit with required information requests that have us running all over town: Immunizations and tests, dental appointments, eye exams, etc. And it all has to be in yesterday. Joy tempered with a lot of have to do’s.
Life mirrors our current experience, joy tempered by demands, at least it seems that way sometimes. A great new job offset by a longer and more irritating commute, or a bundle of joy baby that never sleeps when you need to; a new home that requires a time and monetary investment to maintain unlike renting. The fact is there are always things that conspire to lessen or even rob us entirely of joy. Blessing added with sorrow is how someone once put it.
But God doesn’t add sorrow to his blessings. They are completely joy based. Proverbs 10:22 says, The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it. It is his intent that his blessings bring joy, abundant joy. He delights in our laughter and light-heartedness. He delights in giving good gifts to his children. Life just sometimes dishes out stress and we end up losing our grip on joy. Add to that the fact that Jesus told us Satan, the enemy of our soul, comes to steal, kill and destroy. He actively works to wrest our joy from us. It’s like a double whammy.
The good news is we don’t have to give in to joy robbing feelings. In Galatians, Paul listed the fruit of the Spirit and joy is the second one listed right after love. God joy. In spite of life’s demands and the efforts of the evil one, we can find joy in what God has done and continues to do for us. If we ask, he will give us sight to see the blessings that are always a part of our lives as believers. That baby that won’t sleep will charm with smiles and giggles. The realization that having a house, however humble and needing of repair is more than most of the rest of the world’s population can boast. Having a job, any job is something some do not have.
There are those who face great challenges, some good, some not, and God has promised joy can and will be a part of that experience. Joy, though it may be lost temporarily, is given by a good and loving God and Jesus promised it will never be taken away (John 16:22). Blessings and joy, God joy, is what God intends for his children to experience in this life, not just the next. We can all pray together and we can share with one another our joy and those things that seem to diminish it, and like a light that cannot be extinguished, joy will creep into every dark place and burst out when we seek it. That’s a promise.
Life mirrors our current experience, joy tempered by demands, at least it seems that way sometimes. A great new job offset by a longer and more irritating commute, or a bundle of joy baby that never sleeps when you need to; a new home that requires a time and monetary investment to maintain unlike renting. The fact is there are always things that conspire to lessen or even rob us entirely of joy. Blessing added with sorrow is how someone once put it.
But God doesn’t add sorrow to his blessings. They are completely joy based. Proverbs 10:22 says, The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it. It is his intent that his blessings bring joy, abundant joy. He delights in our laughter and light-heartedness. He delights in giving good gifts to his children. Life just sometimes dishes out stress and we end up losing our grip on joy. Add to that the fact that Jesus told us Satan, the enemy of our soul, comes to steal, kill and destroy. He actively works to wrest our joy from us. It’s like a double whammy.
The good news is we don’t have to give in to joy robbing feelings. In Galatians, Paul listed the fruit of the Spirit and joy is the second one listed right after love. God joy. In spite of life’s demands and the efforts of the evil one, we can find joy in what God has done and continues to do for us. If we ask, he will give us sight to see the blessings that are always a part of our lives as believers. That baby that won’t sleep will charm with smiles and giggles. The realization that having a house, however humble and needing of repair is more than most of the rest of the world’s population can boast. Having a job, any job is something some do not have.
There are those who face great challenges, some good, some not, and God has promised joy can and will be a part of that experience. Joy, though it may be lost temporarily, is given by a good and loving God and Jesus promised it will never be taken away (John 16:22). Blessings and joy, God joy, is what God intends for his children to experience in this life, not just the next. We can all pray together and we can share with one another our joy and those things that seem to diminish it, and like a light that cannot be extinguished, joy will creep into every dark place and burst out when we seek it. That’s a promise.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
God Block
It’s been a few days since I wrote anything. I’ve been unable to put pen to paper, or rather fingers to the keyboard. I’ve had the time and have stared at a blank page repeatedly waiting for inspiration to strike. Something profound and insightful, and instead I’m admitting that I have nothing of note to say.
I had the germ of an idea come to me while I was driving home from church, but got distracted, and for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was, which is very frustrating. I get ideas for what to write just about everywhere but at home with my computer at the ready. I can usually run for the computer when I get home and let the words flow. But today and the last several days, the tap has run dry.
What I am learning as a writer is that it’s okay if I occasionally have writer’s block. It’s not the end of the world. Words will eventually come again. So it also is with the overwhelming sense of God’s presence. There are times when it seems he is present to me in tangible ways. I can literally feel him around me. But times do come when I feel quite alone and I wonder where he went, why I no longer sense his being. It’s a spiritual form of writer’s block: Spirit block.
I know that sin can block the presence, the awareness of God’s nearness, but it’s not always a sin issue. He promised that if we diligently seek him, he will make himself clearly known (Hebrews 11:6, 1 Chronicles 28:9). I know that God does not play “stump the believer.” If he withdraws for a season, there is good reason. I think God masks himself at times to see what we will do. I think he wants to see how much and how hard we will pursue him. Like a lover, he wants to see if we desire him as well. And he is the lover of our souls. Jesus made it very clear through the cross.
When I am in the midst of writer’s block, I make myself write something, anything at all. It doesn’t have to be great, but to write anything helps keep the words coming. So too is the discipline of the faith walk. When God seems a million miles away, I keep praying and reading the bible. It helps keep me from losing heart when I no longer feel the mountaintop high of being so near to God that I could almost reach out and touch him.
The valleys in the spirit life will come, but as David wrote so well: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil for you are with me (NRSV). We will have times of apparent abandonment, but they are only temporary, and our feelings mislead us in that the truth is God is always near us, and as believers, in us.
My writer’s block will end, but God’s presence will not. I know that as long as I go ahead and make the effort to seek, there will be reward in the end. Words will come, and God will once again make his face to shine on me. How wonderful is that?
I had the germ of an idea come to me while I was driving home from church, but got distracted, and for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was, which is very frustrating. I get ideas for what to write just about everywhere but at home with my computer at the ready. I can usually run for the computer when I get home and let the words flow. But today and the last several days, the tap has run dry.
What I am learning as a writer is that it’s okay if I occasionally have writer’s block. It’s not the end of the world. Words will eventually come again. So it also is with the overwhelming sense of God’s presence. There are times when it seems he is present to me in tangible ways. I can literally feel him around me. But times do come when I feel quite alone and I wonder where he went, why I no longer sense his being. It’s a spiritual form of writer’s block: Spirit block.
I know that sin can block the presence, the awareness of God’s nearness, but it’s not always a sin issue. He promised that if we diligently seek him, he will make himself clearly known (Hebrews 11:6, 1 Chronicles 28:9). I know that God does not play “stump the believer.” If he withdraws for a season, there is good reason. I think God masks himself at times to see what we will do. I think he wants to see how much and how hard we will pursue him. Like a lover, he wants to see if we desire him as well. And he is the lover of our souls. Jesus made it very clear through the cross.
When I am in the midst of writer’s block, I make myself write something, anything at all. It doesn’t have to be great, but to write anything helps keep the words coming. So too is the discipline of the faith walk. When God seems a million miles away, I keep praying and reading the bible. It helps keep me from losing heart when I no longer feel the mountaintop high of being so near to God that I could almost reach out and touch him.
The valleys in the spirit life will come, but as David wrote so well: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil for you are with me (NRSV). We will have times of apparent abandonment, but they are only temporary, and our feelings mislead us in that the truth is God is always near us, and as believers, in us.
My writer’s block will end, but God’s presence will not. I know that as long as I go ahead and make the effort to seek, there will be reward in the end. Words will come, and God will once again make his face to shine on me. How wonderful is that?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
God is Great, God is Good
I work in a library, so I get to see a lot of books. I am always interested in what others are reading. Books pass through my hands that look they might be good reads. Others I can only think, “Why would you read that?” and whisper a prayer for them.
One title that has been getting a lot of attention lately is a book entitled God is not Great. Every time I see it, the childhood grace prayer comes to mind as I think “but God is great and God is good. How could anyone write a book with that title?” And again, I pray for the person who is checking the book out.
But the book made me stop and ask myself if I have ever doubted God’s greatness and goodness. I have to admit, there have been times when I have in fact doubted that God cared about what was going on in my life because of what I preceive as unanswered prayer. That’s a hard thing to own up to. Christians aren’t supposed to feel that way. But I have been angry with God on more than one occasion, doubting that his nature is always good. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it. But truth has a way of freeing us to change our attitudes. I share this because I know I do not suffer from “terminal uniqueness” and others have experienced the same feelings at times. They are not alone, nor are they bad.
That God is great is declared throughout the Bible. Psalm 19: 1-2 says, The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork. In Romans 1:20 Paul writes, Ever since the creation of the world, his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. God’s greatness revealed to all through creation.
But God’s goodness is also evident. In Matthew 5:45 Jesus said God causes the sun to rise on all and the rain to fall for the righteous as well as the unrighteous. All through David’s psalms, he speaks of God’s goodness to the people of Israel even though they sinned time and again. In my own life, God’s goodness has been shown repeatedly; even when angry at times and in sin, his mercy has never waned.
I might read the book to see why the author feels that way. Just as I am not alone in my times of doubt, so too, he is not alone in feeling that God is not all he’s cracked up to be. We have a mandate from the Lord to tell the good news to the world that he loves people, enough to have died for them. For me, there is no more time to be wasted questioning God’s nature. I have been lovingly chastened for it by him. The world is full of people who question God and we need to share the news that indeed God is great, God is good.
One title that has been getting a lot of attention lately is a book entitled God is not Great. Every time I see it, the childhood grace prayer comes to mind as I think “but God is great and God is good. How could anyone write a book with that title?” And again, I pray for the person who is checking the book out.
But the book made me stop and ask myself if I have ever doubted God’s greatness and goodness. I have to admit, there have been times when I have in fact doubted that God cared about what was going on in my life because of what I preceive as unanswered prayer. That’s a hard thing to own up to. Christians aren’t supposed to feel that way. But I have been angry with God on more than one occasion, doubting that his nature is always good. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it. But truth has a way of freeing us to change our attitudes. I share this because I know I do not suffer from “terminal uniqueness” and others have experienced the same feelings at times. They are not alone, nor are they bad.
That God is great is declared throughout the Bible. Psalm 19: 1-2 says, The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork. In Romans 1:20 Paul writes, Ever since the creation of the world, his eternal power and divine nature, invisible though they are, have been understood and seen through the things he has made. God’s greatness revealed to all through creation.
But God’s goodness is also evident. In Matthew 5:45 Jesus said God causes the sun to rise on all and the rain to fall for the righteous as well as the unrighteous. All through David’s psalms, he speaks of God’s goodness to the people of Israel even though they sinned time and again. In my own life, God’s goodness has been shown repeatedly; even when angry at times and in sin, his mercy has never waned.
I might read the book to see why the author feels that way. Just as I am not alone in my times of doubt, so too, he is not alone in feeling that God is not all he’s cracked up to be. We have a mandate from the Lord to tell the good news to the world that he loves people, enough to have died for them. For me, there is no more time to be wasted questioning God’s nature. I have been lovingly chastened for it by him. The world is full of people who question God and we need to share the news that indeed God is great, God is good.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The Will to Believe
Sometimes it’s just hard to believe for the best; at least it is for me. I don’t think I am alone in that regard. Circumstances crowd in and choke out faith. But faith is defined in scripture as believing in things not yet seen, things not yet realized (Hebrews 11). Faith is what it's all about. God-sized faith. So where does this faith come from?
For me, faith comes as I read my bible. It comes as I talk with other believers about the trials I am facing and about the hope that is ours in Christ. The input from both builds me, but that can’t be all. There has to be a willingness on my part to believe. That may sound off, but it’s true. I can read the bible all day and poll everyone in my life, but all the words will mean nothing if I am not willing to believe that God answers prayer and has the ability to shape my life in ways that transform me.
I have to be brutally honest here. There have been times in my faith walk when I have not always been willing to believe. It’s not a conscious unwillingness, but it can be there nonetheless. The last bout took me a while to recognize. It slowly became apparent to me that I was unwilling as I asked the same questions over and over, never quite believing the answer I was getting from people I hold in high esteem, people I trust. It was a fear issue. In doing so, I was not allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. I was holding onto my fear. It was easier to live with what I had been feeling for so long than it was to let go and move on. Ouch.
God-sized faith doesn’t come naturally to us. It is a gift, but we need to accept it. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus is the pioneer and perfector of our faith (NRSV). When I falter, I can look to Jesus to give me the faith I need to believe as well as the gift of willingness. It's all about him. He is the giver and sustainer of the faith necessary to please God. In Psalm 27, David said, I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord. He was able to say that after writing about his many troubles (read the whole Psalm). He was willing to believe and that willingness helped transform him and sustain him.
God never promised it would be easy to believe, but he promised that he would save, deliver and defend. That is something I can believe in. I am willing.
For me, faith comes as I read my bible. It comes as I talk with other believers about the trials I am facing and about the hope that is ours in Christ. The input from both builds me, but that can’t be all. There has to be a willingness on my part to believe. That may sound off, but it’s true. I can read the bible all day and poll everyone in my life, but all the words will mean nothing if I am not willing to believe that God answers prayer and has the ability to shape my life in ways that transform me.
I have to be brutally honest here. There have been times in my faith walk when I have not always been willing to believe. It’s not a conscious unwillingness, but it can be there nonetheless. The last bout took me a while to recognize. It slowly became apparent to me that I was unwilling as I asked the same questions over and over, never quite believing the answer I was getting from people I hold in high esteem, people I trust. It was a fear issue. In doing so, I was not allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. I was holding onto my fear. It was easier to live with what I had been feeling for so long than it was to let go and move on. Ouch.
God-sized faith doesn’t come naturally to us. It is a gift, but we need to accept it. Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus is the pioneer and perfector of our faith (NRSV). When I falter, I can look to Jesus to give me the faith I need to believe as well as the gift of willingness. It's all about him. He is the giver and sustainer of the faith necessary to please God. In Psalm 27, David said, I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord. He was able to say that after writing about his many troubles (read the whole Psalm). He was willing to believe and that willingness helped transform him and sustain him.
God never promised it would be easy to believe, but he promised that he would save, deliver and defend. That is something I can believe in. I am willing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)