Don't Wait

 About six months ago, I was referred to a dermatologist by my primary care physician because of a strange and sudden change in a toenail. He didn't think it was alarming, but out of an abundance of caution, he felt they should take a sample for a biopsy. It was close to two months before I could get in. While I was there I was told I should get a full body examination because of my history. I had an encounter with melanoma about ten years ago. The prevailing wisdom at the time was to be examined annually for three years then every three years then not to worry after five years. The doctor informed me times had changed and it's now annually for life if you've had a case of melanoma. So even though I was reluctant feeling it was unnecessary, I dutifully made an appointment that was three months out.

Two weeks ago I had the appointment and while checking me over, she found a concerning mole on the back of my thigh. The biopsy came back a week later. It's melanoma, again. Surgery is scheduled a month from the initial discovery. I was unaware of its presence, and it would have continued to grow larger and deeper. I hadn't been to a dermatologist for five years and wouldn't have if my toenail hadn't presented strangely, which turned out to be a hemorrhage under my toenail. Nothing more. Nothing sinister. 

 As a child and a teen, everyone wanted a tan. Especially very fair-skinned girls like me. There was no such thing as sunscreen. It was the rage to get a Coppertone tan or use baby oil. I burned, blistered, and peeled every summer. Repeatedly. I never got a tan, but I did get sun sickness sometimes and would be on fire from the second-degree burns. But no one gave a thought to the long-term effects of spending unprotected time in a swimsuit in the sun at a swimming pool. 

Fast forward over fifty years from those teenage days and now I've had a deadly cancer twice, just caught in time before it hit my lymph system. I can't help but wonder if there will be more times for me. I remember being very scared with the first one. I remember praying I wouldn't die of cancer. Yet, right now, I'm strangely blank. It's like there's nothing there, it's all a dream and not really happening to me. Even writing this post is hard. My emotions are just flat. Most of what I write is inspired by passions. 

I don't understand my response. I do understand the stupidity of my youth has come around to bite. We all live with regrets. Some cause emotional upheavals or limit our job prospects. Some cause financial struggles, and some are relationship destroyers. And some are potentially deadly.

Being told you have any kind of cancer is jarring, and frightening. Especially if it's at an advanced stage. To all who have cancer, I understand. I may be numb right now, but I do understand the fear and the wanting to stick your head in the sand. But also to want to beat it. To all of you cancer survivors, you are to be admired for having fought and done all you needed to do to live. Some cancers are more dangerous than others. I know breast cancer survivors and I know those who died of cancer, including my beloved brother-in-law. It cares not who you are. 

So prayers are appreciated, as are donations to the very worthwhile organization American Cancer Society. https://www.cancer.org/

And, please, go see a dermatologist.

God Knows Us

 And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; (1 Chronicles 28:9 NIV)

As I read this passage this morning, an intense sense of the heart of God's attention to us washed over me. I felt both trepidation and peace and my heart's response was to cry. My fear was based on the Oh no. God knows all my unChristian thoughts and motives. Yet the peace that came was greater. This verse is a promise. God is accessible to us knowing all about us and that is based on the saving sacrifice of Jesus.

This was an exhortation from David under an old covenant, yet the promise was there. He will be found if sought. Yes, he searches our hearts and minds. He knows us intimately; better than we can know ourselves. We overlook our true condition so easily. We whitewash our thoughts. We deceive ourselves. We are motivated in ways that are not always clear to ourselves, let alone others. While that is quite sobering, it is also a source of comfort. He knows us. 

So many of our thoughts, desires, and heart motives are the result not only of our original fallen state but also the things that have affected us in our life's journey. Childhood experiences, the sins committed against us, and the pain and hurts in life, whether caused by others or self-inflicted, are influencing us. We are all broken in ways that are at times only understood by God. His ultimate desire is to heal our brokenness and to be found as we seek him.

Jesus lived a hard life among us and saw firsthand what we experience living in this world. He was God with us. His understanding should bring us hope, not fear that causes us to pull away from him. He loves us in spite of our sometimes unGodly thoughts, desires, and motives. He sees with mercy what has caused our broken ways. Yes, we should repent when the Holy Spirit convicts us by showing us the truth when we miss the mark, but it isn't to condemn. It is to transform us into Christlikeness. What a welcome thought! 

I want to be open to his searching light and trust he loves me enough to care what I think and feel because I want to be like Jesus. He wants that for me even more. Take time to read Psalm 139:1-18 today and feel peace from knowing God knows you.

Be Not Afraid

I've written about my dear friend, Lauren, several times as she has struggled to live in an ICU tethered to machines designed for short-term use. Lauren was on them for months, her lungs unable to function in a life-maintaining way. But people from all over the U.S. were praying for a miracle to happen so Lauren would not only live but be able to return to normal. I know heaven was being bombarded. My prayers were among them.

But so many things kept going wrong. Not to be irreverent, but it was like medical whack-a-mole. They'd get one thing sort of under control when a reaction to a drug or a procedure would force another drastic intervention, all the while her kidneys were taking a hit from all the highly toxic drugs designed to extend life. Endless infections, endless pain, endless days and nights in a bed with ICU-induced hallucinations at times. My prayers gradually changed.

After a phone call in mid-April that she was dying imminently only to rally, I've known deep within it was soon. My prayers changed to praying for God's merciful best for her. And in his mercy, he called her home last night. I had the opportunity to send Lauren a video message that her mother played for her. I wish I had said more. I wanted to actually say goodbye and that we'd meet in heaven, but that would have upset her, I  know. But I did say I missed her and I loved her dearly. I don't know if she heard it while it was played. I hope so. 

I sent Be Not Afraid to her. Her mother played it while Lauren's eyes opened briefly as her heart stopped beating. I pray with all my being it helped her let go and allowed her angels to guide her to her waiting Savior. 

My heart is so broken. But her mother has now lost her third child. As much as my heart has shattered by my loss, it breaks for her bereft mother as well. So when you pray after reading this, (and I know you will), pray for Lauren's mother, too, who knows a pain I pray I never experience. 

God's merciful best turned out to be the prayer I should have prayed all along. Now I pray it for the family left behind. 

The Battle is the Lord's

 

This image was texted to me by a friend who knows me very well. All too often, I see myself as too small and weak to take on the Big Guy who loves to torment all Christians, taunting us and daring us to fight back. But I've also been doing my annual read through the entire bible using a Bible Gateway plan. This morning I read 1 Chronicles chapters 18-21, an account of multiple campaigns against Israel's enemies undertaken by King David. 

After the victorious battles, the enemies were subjected to Israel bringing tributes to David which he dedicated entirely to the Lord. Frequently, the same verse is repeated after battles, The Lord gave David victory wherever he went. David didn't hesitate to face the enemies that threatened Israel. And he didn't keep the spoils of war. He brought all of it to the Tabernacle to further the Lord's purposes in the kingdom of his chosen people. 

We face battles today of a different sort. Our battles are not with the physical armaments of war. Yet, in the new covenant, the book of Ephesians, chapter 6 uses the analogy of arms to describe how to battle against the enemy of our soul, the same implements of war David used in physical battle. We are exhorted to put on the full armor of God and when we are clothed, to stand and see the Lord's victory on our behalf. We wear the armor for protection, God battles. 

The kitten in the photo is small and seemingly unable to fight, yet what she sees is a reflection of what God wants us to see. Fully grown and mature ready to fight back against the attacks, the temptations, the trials thrown at us, and the accusations designed to induce shame as courage drains from us. 

What. Ever. You. Are. Facing. There may be a tough battle to fight. But we do not fight alone. We face what is in truth a defeated enemy. Jesus won the war at the cross and resurrection. The Holy Spirit fills us with power and discernment. The Enemy roars like a lion, a mortally wounded lion. But we stand, clothed in God's armor, and watch the Lord go to work. Our true battle is to trust in the Lord.  Trust that he will not forsake us in whatever we face. Trust that we will not be redeemed just to lose it all. 

So look closely at your reflection in the spiritual mirror the Lord is holding up for you to see, and be amazed at what the reality is in his kingdom right now. This world. This life. This time. This you.

Praying God's Will

 1 John 5:14-15 NIV

¹⁴ And this is the boldness we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵ And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have obtained the requests made of him.

This is the daily verse that greeted me this morning. It was, as a spiritually mature friend pointed out, an invitation to me. It could be dangerous to my heart if I misinterpreted it. It’s so easy to take verses out of context, or not read them thoroughly.

This word from God has a caveat: what we ask must be according to his will. So how will I know his will? Looking to Jesus who lived God’s will. Spoke God’s will. Prayed God’s will. Obeyed God’s will. I believe the book of Hebrews says Jesus is the expressed image of God. If I want to know God the Father, and what he is like, I need to lock my gaze on Jesus. Jesus spoke much on many topics, but one statement stands out among the many. When asked what the work (and by extension, his will) of God was, his reply was, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he sent.” John 6:29, NIV.

In another place, Jesus indicated all the Law and the prophets were summed up in ³⁴ When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, ³⁵ and one of them, an expert in the law, asked him a question to test him. ³⁶ “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” ³⁷ He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the greatest and first commandment. ³⁹ And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:34-40 NRSV. Again, this sounds like a clear indication of God’s will for us.

I have been challenged about something I have built my life on and I am disturbed by it. A firm foundation is shaking and it shouldn’t. I have lived most of my life on the belief transformation is not only possible but required as a response to God’s grace and salvation. That Jesus didn’t just die so we might be forgiven and continue living as we did before our conversion to faith in our Savior.

I remember listening to someone who believed and taught that since we were forgiven, we could live any way we wanted. It was paid for. It was all forgiven. He included sexual activity in his teaching. I felt such a huge check in my heart and challenged him with New Testament scriptures, but his argument was if Jesus didn’t mention anything negative then it was okay. The rest was all just opinions of men. I have to agree, some parts of the epistles seem to be opinions, and in one place Paul even admits what he is writing is his opinion only, but you cannot throw out the baby with the bathwater. Much is inspired teaching we strive to live by, that’s why the letters have been read and taught in the Church since the first century. There are nuggets of genuine truth we ignore at our peril in terms of the spiritual growth and well-being God desires for us.

When I turned to Jesus for deliverance from addictions, he answered with freedom in a huge way. There was no ambiguity, no confusion, no delay. It was a life-changing event. And it was all by his power and grace. All I could do was be willing. I had no part other than that and I was set free. I have never looked back with the desire to drink or do drugs for almost forty years. And more importantly, I have never judged those who are trapped in the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction. I have nothing but compassion. The adage, “There but the grace of God go I” is something I believe with all my heart. It is an honest admission I had no power to get sober, and I still have no power to stay sober. I know deep within I am one drink away from a drunk, and that keeps me ever humble. Just one drink.

But he wasn’t finished with me. There was so much brokenness in my life. Broken mind, broken heart, broken soul, spirit, and body. To have left me that way would have shown a lack of love that is beyond comprehension. No, he took me as I was and began a total renovation. I’m not a Humpty Dumpty that is merely pieced together. I was made a new creation, though that creation shows scars left from years of brokenness. My scars are there to keep me identifiable for others who are seeking and see someone who isn’t perfect yet accepted by God. It’s an invitation to come toward a representative of the Lord who can understand brokenness and wounding and be compassionate, not judging. Presenting the character of Jesus as best as I am able to display it. 

I didn’t ask to change in the beginning. I just responded to the leading of the Holy Spirit. And, again, I had no idea where I was headed. To be totally honest, I was afraid. I knew I was powerless to change and I only knew that lifestyle after so many years. How could I walk away from all I knew? It was like Abraham being told to leave all he knew and go to an unknown land just because God told him in his obedience his descendants would be blessed. The power to walk away did not come from me. Left on my own, it wouldn’t have happened. But I became willing when God laid on my heart I needed to change. All I wanted was to please him, to return the love he was showering on me. My whole being was in tune with him and the most improbable things were made possible by his amazing grace.

I know transformation is possible and my message is to believe the One who the Father sent. He will give you wisdom. He will transform you. I am seeking wisdom and I know this current shaking will end with a deeper knowledge of God's will for me. He doesn't leave his children in the dark. He is the Light of the world.