As I write this, my heart is heavy. My husband is drawing closer to leaving this world. I don't know how much time he has. It could be a few months, or sooner, or perhaps longer. But he's not eating anymore. He's skeletal and frail. He is in hospice care and has visits every couple of days with a nurse and a home health aide. A social worker and a chaplain visit monthly. I'm so grateful for the extra care being provided. It means he can stay home.
I'm on autopilot. His needs are paramount and I want to be sure he's comfortable knowing he is loved and cared for. I want no regrets. There is no time to grieve or fall apart. I need to be strong and so far, God has kept me going on little sleep, and a not-so-good diet. It's hard to eat well right now. Cooking would take me away from him and he's not eating whatever I make. When I do eat, it's generally snacking on comfort foods.
I can no longer leave him alone. So I do all I can by digital means. Grocery shopping and other needs are delivered. I sometimes do leave, though. One brother comes on Sunday mornings so I can go to church where I find comfort and renewal. One friend has offered to walk the dog for me, which is a wonderful gift. Poor Murray has been consigned to only the backyard for his outdoor time.
Our son is coming home for a month in a few more days. He will take care of some overdue home maintenance for me, and my husband will be buoyed by his presence. I'm so looking forward to having him here. Together we will make some hard decisions and talk about a different-looking future.
This isn't what I thought my life would be like. Then again, I don't know that I had a specific vision in mind. Just growing older together. I must now do life alone.
On Epiphany Sunday, my pastor handed out paper stars that had a single word on them. Each star was different and we didn't know what we would draw. The one I picked had "Courage" on it. God is amazing. When I feel weak and tired, when I begin to fear the future, I look at my star and remember the Source of my courage to face each day. And just as the star guided the Magi to the King, I'm being guided by the Light of the world. I'm not wandering aimlessly. There is a destination, a glorious one.
I don't know when my husband will take his last breath. Then there will be so many things to attend to. The business of dying goes on for a while after that last breath. But the day will come when I will find the space and time to grieve. For now, I stay focused on the next need, and the Lord walks with me; now and then carrying me. By God's grace, I will stay strong and take good courage.
