So, is it a sin? I stopped praying for sleep sometime back.
I think others are still praying for me, but I don’t ask anymore. It’s been
years of pleas, groveling, demanding, begging, and “if it’s your will” prayers.
I have just stopped. For as many years as I have sent prayers up for sleep,
I’ve concluded his answer is simply, no. And there is no argument against God’s
no. He said, “I open doors that cannot be shut, and shut doors that cannot be
opened.” That’s pretty much the end of any effort to sway God.
That hasn’t stopped me from seeking human medical
intervention. Maybe there is still another drug to try, or maybe a condition
that can be corrected. I’m going to be monitored for three nights to see if I
have sleep apnea. I’m not hopeful. Not anymore. I was told if it’s not sleep
apnea, then I would see a chronic insomnia specialist. Definitely no hope
there. I’ll go, but unless the person has a magic elixir, I’ve tried it all. I
will hold the line on animal sacrifice and voodoo, but anything else I’ll try
at least once.
So, the question. Is it a sin to stop asking for something
and no longer hope for it when you're seeking something from God? I feel some would answer yes.
They’d quote Jesus’ words to pray and not stop praying in his parable about the
unjust judge and the poor woman, because she prevailed. But some would say no
and quote Paul’s prayers to have a thorn in his flesh removed. God told him no.
No. God said his grace would be sufficient for him. So, two sides to one
question.
But it doesn’t stop there. I can sense judgment from some
readers. It would be easy to twist the words of Jesus and use them to condemn
me for a number of things: lack of faith, not believing God enough, giving up.
But those who would lean that direction assume God always says yes, when
clearly Paul was told no. Those are the ones who must walk in the shoes of the
sufferer before rushing to judgment. The answer lies in grace. Always grace.
Maybe I’m totally off base, but any response that does not extend grace is the
wrong response. Always.
So, may I be extended grace in no longer asking God for
sleep. I believe he’s answered me. No, Susan. My grace is sufficient for you. Perhaps
his no is no I won’t do a miracle, but maybe medical intervention will still
come through. But I must somehow live with this condition and its consequences.
I may not be able to work sometimes. I may be too tired to think straight
sometimes. I may not be able to drive sometimes and miss out on somethings
because of utter fatigue. I was hospitalized once from an extended lack of any
sleep to the point of hallucinating. Life expectancy is shortened from lack of
sufficient sleep. Weight gain, early onset dementia, other health issues as
well. I’ll need all the grace God will give to live like this.
And in case you’re wondering, I still love God. I still
trust him. I still need him in every imaginable way. I hope in his promise of
salvation. I will never fully understand until the day I meet with him face to
face. There are believers who suffer much greater than I do, so I will never
stop loving and hoping in God for my final deliverance from this body of
corruptible flesh. And holding onto the grace he gives to live in a fallen
world, weak in the flesh and tired.
