The Pain of Depression

Stable. That's what I have been for several years. A few minor bumps in the road along the way, but medicine tweaks have put me back on track. It's been eight years since I finally went to a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with me and  was told it was Bipolar Disorder. It took five years to find the right “cocktail” of meds to get me stable, but I had no choice but to hang in there, the other option was not good. And I contemplated it with strong feelings at times.


Stable. Everything was going along smoothly until several unexpected, scary, and painful events occurred. Then suddenly the bottom dropped out from under me and I have been in a severe depression for over a month now. My psychiatrist is doing all she can. But I've already been off work for a month, unable to do my job like this. The straw that broke the camel's back was being told I had the beginning of Macular Degeneration, meaning, I was going to go blind. Another doctor isn't so sure, so now I hang in limbo. After the Melanoma scare, and the death of a close colleague at work, it was too much and I have fallen into a severe depression.


In all this I wonder where God went. I feel like Job. I want to simply say,“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”and try to cope. But I still wonder why all this has happened and all I can pray is, “Jesus save me.” I love God . That hasn't changed, but I feel like He is busy in another galaxy and I am on my own. Yet the words I have told people many times come back to me. “It will get better., you will come through this with God's grace.” “There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't always see it because tunnels sometimes have curves that block the light.” Now I fight to believe the very things I have tried to encourage others with.


I don't find God in this. Yet, He has promised to never forsake us. Scripture is in my head, but it is often drowned out by words that tell me otherwise. Words that can only be whispered in my ear by the enemy of my soul. Right now there is a war which rages within me. I can thank God that I live in an age of medical advancements that have replaced the days when people like me would be locked up in prisons, sometimes with people allowed to come in to see the crazy people and make fun of them. Yet the stigma is still firmly rooted in the minds of the majority, and shame for having a mental illness lingers in my mind.


God's grace has got to be there. His answer to Job as to why all the trouble had happened to him wasn't an explanation, it was to tell him of His power and that questioning Him was often pointless, and Job repented of doubting. I don't want platitudes. I want to hide, but God even in His seeming abandonment is still on His throne and somehow that gives me a little hope that things can't get worse.


I do believe in spite of my feelings, that my simple prayer is heard and it is sufficient. I don't know when things will turn around. I don't know when God will finally lift me up again. But down in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul I haven't lost faith. I just can't bring it to the surface where I need it the most.


At the end of each church service we say “God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.” Sometimes I can't say it, I just can't say the words out loud, because I don't understand. But where else have I to go? Psalm 139:9-10 says, .”If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me fast.”


I have the slightest glimmer of hope that the very hopelessness I feel, will be lifted and once again, I will be able to say along with my brothers and sisters that “God is good all the time.” He has to be.