“Yea, though I walk through the valley of darkness, I will
fear no evil, for Thou art with me”, so King David proclaimed in Psalm 23. I
understand his feelings. I, too, recently walked through the valley of
darkness, and if the Lord had not been with me, I honestly think it would have all
been over. I was in too much pain to maintain any semblance of desire to
continue living.
It began in the summer; a gradual decline into a deep
depression. First it was the Melanoma scare, then the rapid death of a coworker
from a rare form of cancer. The straw that broke the camel’s back was being
told I had the beginnings of Macular Degeneration. The possibility of going
blind was too much to bear. I got a second opinion and received a temporary
reprieve, but I am in limbo for a few more months to see if there is any
progression. It runs in the family and it isn’t a stretch to think I am
developing it.
My psychiatrist insisted that I needed to go to outpatient
intensive therapy at a hospital she recommended. With little hope I went there
and found myself owning up to being suicidal. I went three times and the group
and the therapist pushed me to go inpatient. I was interviewed by a hospital
psychiatrist and she thought I was truly in a dangerous place and made arrangements
for me to go to the mental health ward.
For a week, they adjusted my medications hoping that my
mental state would improve, but it didn’t. All is could feel is that the end
was near and I simply could not take another step. Finally they suggested what
my psychiatrist had talked to me about: ECT treatments. That stands for Electro
Convulsive Therapy. They put you out and send electrical currents into the
brain and cause it to have a seizure. It is supposed to work by causing chemicals
in the brain to redistribute and be more effective in fending off depression.
There is short term memory loss, but I had no hope, I was profoundly depressed,
so I consented.
It only took about three sessions to begin to feel less
depressed, and a glimmer of hope set in. All the while, I knew people were
praying for me when I could not pray, and their prayers were heard. Ten sessions
completed and two more to go and I am completely restored and am feeling like a
new person and for that I praise the Lord. He stayed by my side and whispered
to me that I needed to take the drastic step of going into treatment. I would
have sunk further had he not held onto me. The evil one wanted me dead, but God
is the giver of life and light and for the believer, that is the source of hope
when darkness settles in and threatens to overwhelm.
Bipolar depression is manageable with the right medications
and treatment, and I am grateful God planned for me to be born in an age where
modern medicine and prayer can work together to restore what was lost: peace of
mind, hope, joy, and unrelenting faith in God’s abiding presence.
Today I feel like life has begun once again. I am out of the
woods and on firm ground. God is truly good to me. He grabbed me as I was
standing on the brink and pulled me back to safety, and my joy is overflowing.
He is leading me beside still waters and has restored my soul. Nothing in our lives
is wasted in the end. We can be witnesses to God’s great love and grace no
matter how low we have sunk. We have a testimony to share and others who are
standing where we have trod will gain hope that what he has done for us, he
will do for those who cry out to him for salvation and rescue.
I praise him for his goodness toward me. Regardless of your
state of mind and soul, you can have hope and can testify with full confidence
that your life and the lives of others matter very much. When you think of when
you have been in the valley of darkness, remember that someone else needs to hear
your story, because you are a living witness of God’s enduring love. Amen.
