It’s been awhile since I last posted. I have been in a dark
place for an extended period. There is no on/off switch for my depressive episodes,
I just slowly slide down into a pit that is too deep to crawl out of. I rewrote
that last sentence several times. I wanted to make certain it would clearly convey
the reality I face, the reality all who suffer major depressive episodes face.
I started to say I slowly slide down into a pit that seems to be too deep to crawl out of. The truth is there is no seems about it. The depths to which
depression can pull a person is frightening, and once in that downward spiral,
there is little the depressed person can do to get out of the pit.
The descent into depression began toward the end of last year
and it deepened as the months passed. What is so insidious about the depression
I experience is the slow decline. I don’t sleep well, so I blame my low mood on
fatigue. Depression can cause insomnia so it’s self-perpetuating. But it became
apparent that it was more than lack of sleep and then began the medication
merry-go-round. I took time off work to try to find the right medications that
would improve my mood and help me sleep.
Through it all, I have been in my bible and in prayer. Every
morning I read a chapter from the old testament (up to Exodus), a Psalm, a
chapter of Proverbs and a chapter in the new testament (up to Revelation). I
will start all over again as I come to the end of each section. I am learning
so much and much of what I have been reading has been feeding my downcast spirit.
As medication attempts and failures have been going on, I have kept to my
reading and morning time with the Lord. Sometimes my prayers haven’t been all
that prayerful. They’ve been distracted, disjointed and sometimes mixed with
tears. But I know I am heard, and ultimately that is the point: to be heard.
And in being heard, to hear. I have heard the still small voice of God whisper
to me and I have been given hope.
Though I have hope of getting well, I am looking back and
see months of loss to depression, but he looks back and sees something
different. The brokenness isn’t something to be ashamed of or dismayed about.
God uses broken vessels to allow his grace and mercy to pour through to others who
hurt. God has need of wounded healers in his kingdom. I know as this depression
is easing up I will once again be in a position to help others who struggle
with mental illness.
Throughout these past dark months, God has been at work in
me. What looked like utter darkness at times were my own hands covering my eyes
in despair. There was light all along. The Light of the world in every believer
cannot be extinguished. I can hope this will be the last episode I will
experience. I don’t really want to go through this again. But one thing I do
know, the Lord is with me and will be with me regardless of where this life
takes me, and that thought brings peace that passes all understanding.
