So it has been. The medication I was taking for mania really hadn't stopped working, but I was always in a semi-daze at work because of it, and I can't count how many times I was pulled into my boss's office and given verbal warnings about my performance. But I couldn't help it. Finally, I just decided to quit taking it and I told my psychiatrist I wanted to take a medication I had taken years ago that worked but didn't have the same side effects. He agreed and now I am much brighter, or would be but for the insomnia.
If you've tossed and turned for a sleepless night or two, you have an inkling of what I have been living with for the last month. Only it hasn't been a night or two, it's been night after night after night endlessly. If I am fortunate, I get two hours, but for the majority of the past month I have gone entire nights without sleep sometimes for five days in a row. Then a couple hours, then back to no sleep again. None of the sleep aids I have taken are working. Somehow, I have managed to keep going. It's a testament to my new antipsychotic that I haven't become manic or at the very least, hallucinating from sleep deprivation.
I am now on a four week leave of absence from my job in order to preserve it. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I had better be sleeping by the time I get back. No pressure. I am trying a new one that seems promising. I slept better last night than I can remember. Maybe this will be my salvation.
I will be frank and admit I have wondered at times what God is doing while I spend sleepless nights begging him. Goodness knows there are a plethora of people praying for me. I will say each morning I thank God for every moment of sleep, and for sleepless nights, I thank him anyway knowing he will give me strength to make it through another day. But my thankfulness is often overwhelmed by the feeling of abandonment. The question of why cannot be ignored. I have also been angry with him, but thankfully he is able to handle my emotions. After all, he created them.
Still, I am left bereft of hope and peace. Every day I make a promise to keep faith and hope and every day deep down I feel like God is not listening. Before you judge, if at all possible, walk in my exhausted shoes for a week. Then maybe you can understand how hard it is.
I know in the big picture loss of sleep isn't a lot. Really. But it's all overwhelming for me right now. I find solace at church, but I leave and know what I will face at bedtime. I feel like this blog entry is a total loss because I am not testifying about God's majesty and mercy. But after all I have said about my insomnia and the unanswered why, the song Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) comes to mind. As deep as the feeling of where is God runs, deeper still is the unshakable foundation built on Christ. At some point what seems too difficult now, will be overcome through the limitless power and compassion of God. As hard as it is to grasp that truth, I do continue to cling to Jesus. As Peter said to the Lord, where else would we go? I am boxed in on every side, but when it's finally over, I will realize the walls were padded and that Jesus has been with me the whole time, though he seems light years away right now.
I love him still. Haven't a clue about this trial, but in it all I cannot help but love him. I may never understand why things like this happen, but I will never fail to love him. And tomorrow morning, once again I will thank him, and as each day passes, mean it a little more.
