I'm struggling to put my thoughts on paper. I'm trying but this will be an unformed, disorganized stream of consciousness. I'm too exhausted to focus.
Yesterday would have been Will's 77th birthday. It was a difficult day. They all are, but this was more so. My sister came over a bit and I was distracted for the duration so the pain was in the background. She's also a widow and has been through all the firsts.
Then I spent an hour beginning the organization of Will's writings for the book he had been working on before Alzheimer's took away his ability to focus. Now his desk is covered with piles of papers. I knew when I began the preliminary shuffling it would stay that way for an indeterminate length of time. I don't know when I will be able to do any more than what I did. But it was something I could do for my late husband's birthday. There was no birthday greeting from me, no hug and kiss, no carefully chosen gift for him.
Yesterday was the first of the firsts. In less than a month will be our wedding anniversary. It would have been our 37th. I have no words. I don't believe there are any; maybe never.
