Emotional Expressions

I am amazed at how easily I can get off track. Then again, it doesn’t surprise me at all. I have always been a yo-yo type person; up and down, hot and cold, on and off. I ride a roller coaster of emotions from peak to valley and back again in short order as I speed along. Today has been a day of uncertainty. Something as simple as going to the grocery store has sparked an anxiety attack. So I have stayed inside all day. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand something like that. It defies explanation.

Unfortunately, this hot and cold emotional life spills over into my spiritual life as well. While I pray daily for people, some days it just doesn’t come as easy as others. Prayer becomes a homework assignment I drag my feet to get started. It shouldn’t be like that, but it simply is sometimes. In some circles that would be a bad thing to admit, but Christianity that is not authentic is worthless in my book.

God sees it all and understands. I don’t need to explain myself to him. I know he wants better for me, but as I move that direction, it is in fits and starts that I go. It’s not that I don’t want to get to the place where he is leading; it’s that feelings sometimes get in the way. Yet, I was crafted with emotional capacity and though broken by the harsh experiences life can bring, I still have the gift of expression through those very emotions that seem to get in the way.

But then again, maybe they are not the roadblock they seem. If I was created in God’s image, then I have a glimpse of who he is, though I cannot see him clearly in this life. He has endued me with the same emotions he has, to give expression to them as he does. There is no right or wrong to emotions, only in how we choose to act on them. My emotions may be affected by the bipolar disorder I live with, but they are still holy because they are a gift from God. They are essential to who I am. They define me in ways that are unique, just as they are to all.

Rather than wishing they didn’t get in the way, I should be thankful that they sometimes do. It means I am still a work in progress and someday, he will finish with what I hope will be something pure and lovely. The roller coaster ride will come to an end and the emotions will no longer demand my attention, but will be used to express gratitude for the grace that makes them a gift to be cherished.