Happy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. Fifty-nine years on earth. Fifty-nine years of ups and downs, pain and pleasure, joy and sadness, setbacks and success. I have been a victim and I have been a fighter. In short, I am a survivor and an over-comer of odds stacked against me, but in this I do not brag in the least. For all my life I have been beset by sin and error, both deliberate and simply because I am a fallen being descended from Adam and Eve, whose rebellion has been handed down through the ages to all who have lived.

I feel like I have vied for Paul’s claim to be the chief of sinners. My past is littered with a whirlwind of destruction in the lives of others and in mine. Responding in terrible ways to those who sinned against me, and in the sins I have committed against innocent people who had the misfortune to have encountered me before I gave my heart to the Lord.

I have lived a life of loss and gain since I made a 180 degree turn around thirty years ago. Two steps forward and one step back has marked my progress. I have wrestled with shame, guilt, self-loathing, failure, and hopelessness. Living with Bipolar Disorder has caused turmoil within and without. The mental illness has adversely affected those who love me and brought unbearable despair to me often. But it has also made me a humbler and more compassionate person. I have heard the condition referred to as wounded healer. I bear scars from my past, and not all has been healed, but much of the crushing load has been lifted. There are times when I can hold my head high because of the redemption and soul cleansing bought with the blood of my Savior. It is he who declares me righteous even if there are times when I don’t act like it.

My life has not been a total loss, though I rue the lost years of my teens and twenties. I am being transformed however slowly into the likeness of Jesus. Memories that still haunt compel me to press harder into the loving and accepting arms of the Lord. If I lift my face toward him, I see glimpses of the potential still waiting to unfold in my life. But so many times my eyes are cast down and I cannot cling to the truth that I am no longer the person I once was. I need the gentle reminders from my sisters and brothers in Christ to remind me of that. Though I still fear rejection if I let my guard down, I oftentimes feel the comforts of acceptance and tender mercies of Jesus that flow through other Christians. In all, I know I am loved by both God and his people. If I focus on that, the burdens I shoulder are not so heavy.

This feels like a very risky blog entry, but I started it to journal my walk of faith in this life in the hope that readers may be encouraged as well as challenged. I have been chronicling my progress and because I am slowly growing in faith, I have discovered there can be joy in the journey in spite of the sorrow that visits from time to time.

When I look back on my life, I can see the changes that have been wrought in me by the Holy Spirit. There is still frustration and shame at times that I have not come as far as I think I ought to have by now; that I haven’t come as far as I should have. The should haves, would haves, and could haves dog my steps. But as David wrote, who else can I turn to but the Lord? I am wholly dependent on him to mold me into a vessel that reflects his glory.

In his time, in due season, I will appear before him face to face and the transformation will be made complete. Like those believers who have proceeded me in death in this life, it is my fervent hope to hear the words, “Well done good and faithful servant. Welcome into the joy of the Lord.” The tears will be wiped away and there will be no more suffering, no more stumbling, and no more straying. My joy and the joy of the Lord will be overflowing and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Today is Good Friday. It is only fitting to compare my sufferings to his and allow that to put all things into perspective. In two days we will celebrate the resurrection of the Lord and take heart in our promised resurrection to new life forever in the presence of the Lord who has saved us by the free gift of grace. I live because he has made it so, and nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. I can rejoice in this truth and do.

 Jesus loves me, this I know.