Keeping Hope

Déjà vu. That’s what it is. I feel like, no, I know I have been here before. Coming full circle, once again I am visiting depression, a dark place I would never wish on anyone. It’s been some time since I found myself in this place. I have been hiding it for some time now. Faking the smile while inside feeling like I am coming apart.  I don’t like being here, but at least know what to expect, if that makes any sense.

I didn’t arrive here overnight. It’s been a gradual decline and now it’s deeper than it has been for quite awhile. I haven’t been sleeping and I have reached a point of sheer exhaustion. Perhaps the depression is the outcome. I don’t know. Or the sleep disturbance is the result of the depression. All I know is now I have taken three week’s unpaid leave from work to try medications to see if I can find something that will help me sleep and help consistently. And then just maybe the depression will lift.

While I was still working, I still turned out of bed with the alarm set a half hour earlier than necessary to spend my early mornings in prayer and reading the bible. I will admit, my prayers often drifted with sleepiness and my comprehension of what I was reading wasn’t so great, but I went through the motions out of discipline, whether or not I felt I could. Sometimes in a fog I could only manage, “Bless them all.” But at times it was the best I could possibly do.

The alarm isn’t set now; there is no reason for it. But I am still starting my day with bible reading and prayer. It’s pretty much the same struggle until we find something that works. If I don’t keep up with doing this I fear losing hope of getting better, which happens in depression.

So what happens if I start sleeping and the depression lingers. I don’t know. I suppose a medication change, ECT maybe. I hope it will lift like the exhaustion. I just want to be well again. Depression is not a small thing. It affects all of you, body and emotions. It’s like having a heavy leaden ball and chain tied around your neck and trying to walk with it hung there. Forward progress is nigh impossible and standing in one place is painful from the sheer weight of it pulling on you. In other words, you hurt no matter what.

Psalm 61:1-4 says, “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to rock that is higher than I; for you are my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me abide in your tent forever, find refuge under the shelter of your wings.” The Lord will keep me. The Lord will lead me to where I need to be. He is my refuge. I will wait upon him and in him I will trust. To whom else can I go? I know where my hope lies and it’s in the Lord, my Savior.