Holding On

It’s been a long time since I last posted an entry. It’s not because I have had nothing to write about. It’s because my bipolar disorder has me so firmly in its grip that I have been unable to write. I am at a loss for words to describe what I am going through right now, but much of it is due, I believe, to a medication fog. I am over medicated and it’s affecting me terribly. I can’t remember things within minutes of their occurrence. This and a considerable state of general confusion has affected my work performance drastically. I am now on a leave of absence to keep my job. And it’s not just work, my husband tells me I am the same way at home.

I cannot fully describe what it’s like to live with this disorder.  Imagine waking up each day and not knowing if you will be safe driving. Or not sure if you put mascara on both eyes. Wondering if people can tell if you are cracking apart on the inside while trying desperately not to crack apart on the outside. Feeling like people are staring at you because it shows and they are afraid of you or just don’t want you near them, and thinking they are talking behind your back because you are paranoid. Bipolar disorder is life sentence in the prison of a brain that functions all wrong. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I cried in the office of my boss today when she laid out all the things I wasn’t doing regarding my job duties. As she told me all the details of my behavior at work I was crushed. I have always worked hard at my job and in the past had excellent evaluations. Now I am totally incompetent and even insubordinate. She wasn’t being unkind about it, just direct so I would understand the seriousness of it. I got it. Now I am coming back around to the “Why Lord?’ I don’t understand. I don’t.

 I have been reading through the bible by reading one chapter a day from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. I recently went through the book of Job. I can understand his angst. It’s always been a difficult book to understand. Why God permitted Satan to harm him is hard to take in. I’m not sure whether I will ever grasp it until I see him face to face, but I do understand one thing from it, that God is amazing and almighty and we are very small. There is no comparison. Job came to that realization in the end and came to a place of humility and peace.

 I am not there yet. I am not at peace. But God is amazing to me, he truly is, and there is comfort in Psalm 139 where it says he hems me in before and behind. I will find peace. Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will be at rest in Abba’s arms.