The Language of Love

I have slept approximately six to seven hours over the past three days. I went to work Monday after two hours of sleep and had a miserable day. I made it through the day, but told my boss I was taking a sick day Tuesday, which was wise. I slept no better. My sleep has become a fugitive. I had a scheduled psychiatric appointment Tuesday and I went. She seemed alarmed at me. I gradually told her how sleep has been diminishing and she strongly urged I take a week or two FMLA. I was too tired to argue and set it up with my HR department.

I've been a troubled sleeper for years and have taken just about every drug under the sun. Every suggested herbal, change of bedtime behaviors. and exercise has failed. I was sleeping about five hours a night the past couple months on higher sleep medication, but no longer. About four years ago I went ten days without any sleep and ended up in the hospital, hallucinating and begging help. I was finally put back on an antipsychotic that made me sleep, but also gained 60 pounds. I stopped taking it, but now I am sleepless and fat. To be honest, if they suggest going back on it, I will balloon up to 300 pounds, but if I sleep, I'll live with it.

I can't think straight right now and this is probably messy, but at times of sheer hopelessness and helplessness, I turn to my paternal grandmother's old Episcopal Book of Common Prayer from the 1940s. I was given it when she passed away and I treasure it. I know some Christians think the archaic language of her generation is dead and useless, but it resonates within me. She and many other believers whispered the prayers of this small book and found great comfort therein. I have several bookmarked and pray them when I am empty and have no power to create my own.

Let me share one. "Turn Thou us, O good Lord, and so shall we be turned. Be favorable, O Lord, Be favorable to Thy people, Who turn to Thee in weeping, fasting, and praying. For Thou art a merciful God, Full of compassion. Long-suffering, and of great pity. Thou sparest when we deserve punishment, And in Thy wrath thinkest upon mercy. Spare Thy people, good Lord, spare them, And let not Thine heritage be brought to confusion. Hear us, O Lord, for Thy mercy is great, And after the multitude of Thy mercies look upon us; Through the merits and mediation of Thy blessed Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Turn Thou us, O good Lord, and so shall we be turned. What a most marvelous prayer request. I am weak these days, and my bipolar disorder could flare from lack of sleep. I'm truly bereft of hope for sustainable sleep from the specialist I meet with next week. But, even with an empty and troubled mind, I have words lovingly crafted to use long before I was born. A spiritual heritage handed down to me. I will cling to the cross which led to such petitions. And wait upon the Lord.