The Measuring of a Year

This past year I have had significant events in my life. A dear friend moved out of state, a long way out of state. I never get to see her anymore and it’s left a void. Some serious instability from bipolar wreaked havoc for several months. Work has been very stressful and demanding with a hiring freeze that has left us shorthanded and having to pick up the slack.

I know I am not alone in feeling the effects of the personal events of the past year. Some have had to cope with major illness, some have lost loved ones, and some have lost jobs. The list could go on. This past year has been difficult for many and knowing how to view it all is unclear sometimes.

Some people tend to look at their lives through a distorted lens and only see what went wrong, the bad events, the failures, the loss. It’s easy to miss the good when so much bad has happened, and understandably so. But there can be a pattern of seeing only the negative rather than the positive, to judge our lives by what is lacking rather than what we have and the potential that is present. I will admit I can be one of those. But in order to correctly assess this past year, I need to see with a lens that allows clear vision, undistorted by past sins and failures.

The only means I can use to correctly assess my life is the one God has given, the Bible. It is an accurate measuring stick by which I am able to determine whether or not my life was well lived this past year. But even beyond that, the Holy Spirit provides the insight and the comfort, because both are needed. Only God can see clearly to judge our lives rightly. How we measure up for this past year is really best left to his determination. While he may chasten, more often than not he comforts us because we are often harder on ourselves than he. His expectations are realistic.

God understands the weaknesses I have, he knows the circumstances that I have faced and challenged me this past year. He is very aware of my failures, yes, but he is equally aware of my successes and rejoices in them. I can rest in the knowledge that he will judge my days fairly and help me be ready for the coming year. Regardless of this past year’s mistakes and stumbling, regardless of what difficulties I may currently face in my life, his Spirit is daily keeping me moving ahead into another year of possibilities. Hope is found in him for the erasing of past sins and hope is found in him for the future.

A new year is coming and I know that the tradition of making resolutions is pressing, but this year I will let life unfold and allow the Spirit to do his work in me. Whether I find good in the coming year or pain, in either one God will be present and in that I can take comfort.

The True Meaning of Christmas

It is Christmas Day and all around the world, families are gathered to share in gift giving and special meals, of time together as they celebrate the day. But I am reminded that there are many who are alone today, many who are homeless, and some who cannot give gifts because they are too poor. And there are those who cannot celebrate openly because of persecution.

Some cannot celebrate because of anguish of heart and mind. The joys of the season are lost on them because they are too depressed or suffer from another form of mental illness. They are those whose lives are tenuous at best, who have lost all hope of a life that is free of pain, a terrible kind of pain that isn’t fixed with a band-aid. For them, Christmas is not a time of peace on earth, goodwill toward all.

Some have awakened to the same hunger pangs they went to sleep with. They struggle for water and shelter along with the relentless striving for enough food to stay alive, to feed children whose bellies are swollen from endless deprivation. There are children raising children because their parents are dead from AIDS, or because they are caught up in the lifestyle of poverty and gangs and meaningless living.

Not everyone is celebrating the birth of Christ today.

In the midst of the tearing of wrapping paper and the carving of hams and turkeys, set aside time to remember those members of humanity who suffer today for a myriad of reasons. Take a moment to remember them in prayer and thank God for the blessings of the day, then consider how you will spend your days in the coming year. For me? It will be to spend less time thinking of me and more time thinking of others, and then to match those thoughts with actions.

Today, I celebrate the birth of the Savior along with millions around the world and I pray that his life in me will not be in vain. That just as his birth was the beginning of a new age for the world, it will also be the beginning of a new attitude in me: that I have the same heart for the lost and hurting of the world as him. It’s what Christmas is all about.

Loving Wounded Souls

I am counting down the days to Christmas, less than a week now. I’ve managed to get my shopping done, all of it online so I did not have to go out into crowds. I do not do well in crowds of people. I have my husband go with me to the grocery store because I find it very stressful. I was once trapped in the middle of an extremely large crowd in a way that I would have been trampled to death if something happened. It was so tight that I was literally lifted off my feet and moving wherever the crowed moved. I had a panic attack and have never been able to do crowds every since.

Why that story? It’s an experience of trauma that has affected me in a negative way, in a long lasting way. Some may think I should just get over it. Believe me, I have tried, but it just stays with me and I’m not sure I will ever get over it. But it’s a minor trauma in comparison to other events in people’s lives which have life long, life changing effect.

I know a few women who were sexually abused and one who was raped. That kind of trauma doesn’t just go away with time. It never is healed in a way that takes all fear out of their hearts and minds. It has forever changed them. Those who have served in the military, been in wars and seen terrible things have those memories haunting them all their lives. Some cope better than others. They all are never the same as they were before the experience. It has life long effect.

There are no easy fixes for such brokenness. There is no magic wand to wave over wounded people, no pep talk able to lift their spirits, no human formulated balm for their scars. But there is the way of love, gentle sweet love that penetrates to the deepest places of pain, though it may take a very long time to reach those places. That is where human kindness and grace comes into play.

Those who’ve never experienced terrible wounding events are sometimes impatient with the walking wounded. They expect them to get over it and get on with their lives. That short sighted attitude just adds to the pain of those who have been traumatized. I know with some other more serious wounding in my life, I’ve been told that if I just had more faith I’d be healed. Instead of comforting me, it made me feel like I was a failure as a Christian and actually made God seem impatient with me as well. It just added to my pain.

The fact is God is infinitely patient with us, and tender toward those who hurt and are beyond the healing efforts of humans. He sees the deepest place in the heart and gently pours love and grace on the wounds. He knows it could take a lifetime, but he’s patient knowing in the end, there will be peace.

Christians need to do the same in their dealings with the wounded. Not pressuring, not admonishing, not trivializing. Just patiently allowing God to do what he does best and extending grace upon grace. God’s .loving kindness is to be shown in the actions of those who claim the name of Christ. So let God’s love lead to patience and tender heartedness, because your actions and your words make all the difference in the world to the wounded.

All is Well and Ends Well

It’s getting closer to Christmas and I can feel the depression coming on. Each year I slide into depression around the holidays and I really don’t know why. It used to be terrible. At one time I would get suicidal. Thankfully, I’ve not had those feelings for a while, due to the medication I now take. Nonetheless, every year I get really down.

I know my depression affects those around me adversely. I am not motivated, I tend to cry, though I hide that. I get irritable, and I sleep poorly in spite of the drugs I take to counter it, which only exacerbates everything. All in all, I am not a fun person to be around.

The only thing beyond medications that keeps me from getting worse like I used to is my faith in a God who knows me thoroughly and understands what I do not. His unending love never wanes just because I am depressed. He loves me no matter where I am emotionally. He knows the reasons and he understands the bipolar disorder I live with. And if my faith lessens because of the depression, he holds me tighter in his strong gentle hands. He will not let go.

My vision is dimmed right now, but I can make out a manger with a babe in it and it does bring some comfort. I know I am not forgotten or judged and pushed away. I may have a hard time getting into things right now, but that doesn’t matter one bit to God. All he cares about is my heart and how heavy it can get sometimes. He reminds me of Psalm 23 and the hope that is found there. I will read it and I will pray it and hope its words will sink in. The sadness will lift eventually, and I hope to get back on track. Until then I will remember his love for me and let it keep me because I am unable to do more.