It’s getting closer to Christmas and I can feel the depression coming on. Each year I slide into depression around the holidays and I really don’t know why. It used to be terrible. At one time I would get suicidal. Thankfully, I’ve not had those feelings for a while, due to the medication I now take. Nonetheless, every year I get really down.
I know my depression affects those around me adversely. I am not motivated, I tend to cry, though I hide that. I get irritable, and I sleep poorly in spite of the drugs I take to counter it, which only exacerbates everything. All in all, I am not a fun person to be around.
The only thing beyond medications that keeps me from getting worse like I used to is my faith in a God who knows me thoroughly and understands what I do not. His unending love never wanes just because I am depressed. He loves me no matter where I am emotionally. He knows the reasons and he understands the bipolar disorder I live with. And if my faith lessens because of the depression, he holds me tighter in his strong gentle hands. He will not let go.
My vision is dimmed right now, but I can make out a manger with a babe in it and it does bring some comfort. I know I am not forgotten or judged and pushed away. I may have a hard time getting into things right now, but that doesn’t matter one bit to God. All he cares about is my heart and how heavy it can get sometimes. He reminds me of Psalm 23 and the hope that is found there. I will read it and I will pray it and hope its words will sink in. The sadness will lift eventually, and I hope to get back on track. Until then I will remember his love for me and let it keep me because I am unable to do more.
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