The Valley of Darkness

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of darkness, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me”, so King David proclaimed in Psalm 23. I understand his feelings. I, too, recently walked through the valley of darkness, and if the Lord had not been with me, I honestly think it would have all been over. I was in too much pain to maintain any semblance of desire to continue living.

It began in the summer; a gradual decline into a deep depression. First it was the Melanoma scare, then the rapid death of a coworker from a rare form of cancer. The straw that broke the camel’s back was being told I had the beginnings of Macular Degeneration. The possibility of going blind was too much to bear. I got a second opinion and received a temporary reprieve, but I am in limbo for a few more months to see if there is any progression. It runs in the family and it isn’t a stretch to think I am developing it.

My psychiatrist insisted that I needed to go to outpatient intensive therapy at a hospital she recommended. With little hope I went there and found myself owning up to being suicidal. I went three times and the group and the therapist pushed me to go inpatient. I was interviewed by a hospital psychiatrist and she thought I was truly in a dangerous place and made arrangements for me to go to the mental health ward.

For a week, they adjusted my medications hoping that my mental state would improve, but it didn’t. All is could feel is that the end was near and I simply could not take another step. Finally they suggested what my psychiatrist had talked to me about: ECT treatments. That stands for Electro Convulsive Therapy. They put you out and send electrical currents into the brain and cause it to have a seizure. It is supposed to work by causing chemicals in the brain to redistribute and be more effective in fending off depression. There is short term memory loss, but I had no hope, I was profoundly depressed, so I consented.

It only took about three sessions to begin to feel less depressed, and a glimmer of hope set in. All the while, I knew people were praying for me when I could not pray, and their prayers were heard. Ten sessions completed and two more to go and I am completely restored and am feeling like a new person and for that I praise the Lord. He stayed by my side and whispered to me that I needed to take the drastic step of going into treatment. I would have sunk further had he not held onto me. The evil one wanted me dead, but God is the giver of life and light and for the believer, that is the source of hope when darkness settles in and threatens to overwhelm.

Bipolar depression is manageable with the right medications and treatment, and I am grateful God planned for me to be born in an age where modern medicine and prayer can work together to restore what was lost: peace of mind, hope, joy, and unrelenting faith in God’s abiding presence.

Today I feel like life has begun once again. I am out of the woods and on firm ground. God is truly good to me. He grabbed me as I was standing on the brink and pulled me back to safety, and my joy is overflowing. He is leading me beside still waters and has restored my soul. Nothing in our lives is wasted in the end. We can be witnesses to God’s great love and grace no matter how low we have sunk. We have a testimony to share and others who are standing where we have trod will gain hope that what he has done for us, he will do for those who cry out to him for salvation and rescue.

I praise him for his goodness toward me. Regardless of your state of mind and soul, you can have hope and can testify with full confidence that your life and the lives of others matter very much. When you think of when you have been in the valley of darkness, remember that someone else needs to hear your story, because you are a living witness of God’s enduring love. Amen.