The Pain of Grief

There are down days, blue days, sad days, but then there are days of unrelenting grief. Some days when we are just blue they only last a day or two. There are a myriad of reasons for days when we feel down, some of which we can’t define. We just have the blues.

But grief is a whole other thing. It’s a process, one that can take months, and for some even years. Today I had to leave work early because the grief was too strong. Today my parents would have celebrated 63 years of marriage. But my father and mother are gone. My mother only a few months and I cry some each day. I grieved when my father died, but there is something different about a mother. You hear her voice while in the womb. You feel her hand as she strokes her swollen belly.

A mother’s love is ferocious. Unless there is something wrong with the mother or child, there is a bond that takes place early and mom becomes nurse, play partner, sleeps with you so the closet monsters creepy things under the bed don’t get you. She fixes your favorite meal on your birthday, attends all plays, concerts, games, and claps the loudest for you. She is your biggest fan and helps you get ready for your first prom. And nothing can hold back the tears of when you say, “I do.”

As much as I grieve her death, I also grieve times when I didn’t call or visit as much as I should have and the times when I disappointed her, and caused fear to grip her. Before she passed away I leaned down to whisper to her that I was so sorry for the years I wandered caught up in addictions. And she told me to shush, that she loved me through it all. This causes me to cry when I think of it. The pain I caused her didn’t matter, all that mattered was love. Still it hurts, and no doubt will for a season, or two.

Today I am deeply grieved. We skipped Mother’s Day. It didn’t matter. Without Mom, it really wasn’t Mother’s Day. She was the glue that held us together. Hopefully, that glue is long lasting even in her absence. I need my remaining family, I need my friends. I need non-judgmental love. I need God, yet he feels so far away. Sadness that could lead to another bout of depression is not inconceivable. I have been there and felt the chill, and tasted the bitterness.  

Still, I know in my heart that she and my father are no longer in pain. And though I miss her terribly, the day will come when God calls me home and I will see them again. But for now, I will have to travel the road of the grief process. At some point the memories won’t hurt anymore. And I will laugh at some of the stories I have stored in my heart. Until that day, tears fall and pain is palatable. Somehow God will get me though this. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But his grace is amazing even when we don’t sense it. And right now I need that grace.