Climbing Out Again

It’s been awhile since I last posted. I have been in a dark place for an extended period. There is no on/off switch for my depressive episodes, I just slowly slide down into a pit that is too deep to crawl out of. I rewrote that last sentence several times. I wanted to make certain it would clearly convey the reality I face, the reality all who suffer major depressive episodes face. I started to say I slowly slide down into a pit that seems to be too deep to crawl out of. The truth is there is no seems about it. The depths to which depression can pull a person is frightening, and once in that downward spiral, there is little the depressed person can do to get out of the pit.

The descent into depression began toward the end of last year and it deepened as the months passed. What is so insidious about the depression I experience is the slow decline. I don’t sleep well, so I blame my low mood on fatigue. Depression can cause insomnia so it’s self-perpetuating. But it became apparent that it was more than lack of sleep and then began the medication merry-go-round. I took time off work to try to find the right medications that would improve my mood and help me sleep.

Through it all, I have been in my bible and in prayer. Every morning I read a chapter from the old testament (up to Exodus), a Psalm, a chapter of Proverbs and a chapter in the new testament (up to Revelation). I will start all over again as I come to the end of each section. I am learning so much and much of what I have been reading has been feeding my downcast spirit. As medication attempts and failures have been going on, I have kept to my reading and morning time with the Lord. Sometimes my prayers haven’t been all that prayerful. They’ve been distracted, disjointed and sometimes mixed with tears. But I know I am heard, and ultimately that is the point: to be heard. And in being heard, to hear. I have heard the still small voice of God whisper to me and I have been given hope.

Though I have hope of getting well, I am looking back and see months of loss to depression, but he looks back and sees something different. The brokenness isn’t something to be ashamed of or dismayed about. God uses broken vessels to allow his grace and mercy to pour through to others who hurt. God has need of wounded healers in his kingdom. I know as this depression is easing up I will once again be in a position to help others who struggle with mental illness.

Throughout these past dark months, God has been at work in me. What looked like utter darkness at times were my own hands covering my eyes in despair. There was light all along. The Light of the world in every believer cannot be extinguished. I can hope this will be the last episode I will experience. I don’t really want to go through this again. But one thing I do know, the Lord is with me and will be with me regardless of where this life takes me, and that thought brings peace that passes all understanding.