God is Good, All the Time

I warn ahead of time this is a long entry. I just got out of the hospital mental health unit after a nine day stay. Came home two days ago. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep I was hallucinating and feeling close to being suicidal. I wasn't going to make it much longer. It was the best decision I could have made. It took awhile, but a lot of changes in medications were made and I began to get a solid six hours sleep, which is all I really need to function at a high level. But it did not happen right away.

Sleep has consumed me for months. I have been insomniac for years, but not like this. This was extremely severe and no matter how much prayer was offered, God did nothing, or so it seemed. While I was hospitalized, I went to most of the daily classes offered for those in emotional and mental distress. It was difficult. Not only was I sleep deprived, I was an emotional mess and just wanted to isolate. The staff kept after me to attend them. The classes ranged from dealing with anxiety and grief to yoga and music/art/pet therapy.

Every day I had to make a goal and then at the last group meeting in the evening, say whether or not I achieved it. I'm sure you can guess the goal I made for the first six days. Sleep. But inside I had another goal: to hear God tell me why, just like Job. I have felt so beaten down for so long, I felt like God didn't really care. I stilled loved him and always will, but why was he being silent?

I asked my husband to bring my bible to me. The Gideon's bible is King James and while I understand it, I just prefer my version. I had a lot of time to think and read and pray. Soon, I was having scriptures come to mind. I am just going to list them and ask you, the reader, to look them up. But I will expand on one in particular. All of them were exactly directed to me and my condition. Psalm 38:9; Psalm 42: 5,11; Psalm 43:5; Psalm 3:8; Psalm 66:20; Psalm 46:10; Psalm 62:1-2;Psalm 121, all; Psalm 123, all; Psalm 127:2; Psalm 131, all; Psalm 81:1-3. All in the order I read them over the course of several days.

On the fourth day, I attended a class on coping with anxiety. I have had severe anxiety about sleep. The specialist said anxiety was good to the extent it alarms us to something wrong, but anxiety left alone caused a wealth of problems, and that I knew very well. She taught how we had to change our negative thoughts by replacing them with the opposite positive. All well and good, but then she came to the point that there are some things we just have to accept as well as their consequences. She called it Radical Acceptance. It struck a deep nerve and my initial reaction was "No way." But it left me thinking.

I got back to my room and immediately Psalm 139 came to mind. This I will do my best to tell. As I read through one of my very favorites, certain verses jumped out at me. Verse 5 and 10 said God had me hemmed in and was holding fast to me, guiding me. That brought a measure of comfort, Then  I came to verse 14. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My whole being, spirit, soul, and body are not accidental, nor are they broken in the sense my condition is a done for deal. But verse 16 gripped my heart tightly and I was shaken deeply. "In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed." Everything has been preordained for me, including my sleep issues and bipolar disorder.

Radical acceptance meant never getting enough sleep, losing my job and probable bankruptcy. I didn't want to think it true, but there it was, and I was left with no option but to surrender and like Job, be told who am I to argue with my Creator? He is the potter and I am nothing but clay in his mighty hands. I cried as I came to that realization. What has happened is a hard lesson in trust, patience, and endurance. Psalm 131:2 washed over me. Like a weaned child I have quieted my soul within me. Radical acceptance.

 It was no mistake that all the scriptures I read were from Psalms. David was a haunted man at times. He faced years of struggles and wrestled with God many times, and many of the latter Psalms were written in exile and times of Israel's tribulations.

That night I slept. The next two nights before my discharge I slept. I am in humble awe of God. He opens doors that cannot be shut and closes doors that cannot be opened. Every week at my church we end the service the same way, closing with, "God is good all the time, and all the time God is good." I won't be saying it by rote anymore.

I don't know if the sleep will continue or the future of my job, but God is merciful and gracious and does not lead us into more than we can bear. If once again I am deprived of sleep, I will praise him still. Jesus is all I really need.