Trading My Sorrows

I'm home today. Came home from work early yesterday. The pain of arthritis has been overwhelming, along with fatigue. I was able to get in the same day to see my rheumatologist and my pain level was so high my blood pressure was 169/100. I think he's a good doctor, but conservative. He admitted the pain medication was a low dose. So he doubled it and added a steroid, which I have mixed feelings about, but I'm a desperate woman. Steroids can interfere with sleep, trigger mania, and cause weight gain. I'm already overweight. I asked for and got a cortisone shot for good measure. Pain is still there, but he said with the steroid I should notice a difference by Monday.

I'm off work the rest of the week. I slept better last night. The sleep apnea is getting under control. God is good. I trust him for the strength and grace to work through the pain and to help me keep my job. I have two more years before I can retire. The job is high stress and it's wearing me down. But I have hope things will work out. Paul said he had learned to live the life of faith under all circumstances. Good times and not so good times. Times of plenty and times of lean. At least I have yet to be stoned to death.

Paul is a role model for living victoriously in all manner of suffering, and his life continues to inspire and place things in perspective. King David's mood swings and times of depression give me the grace to know God is not disappointed in me. David would always come around to praising God after his tears. Paul, though, seemed to keep his emotions in check, though there are references to his being sorrowful and angry. Still, mostly he persevered in holding onto joy in spite of suffering. It's a lesson for me and no doubt for other Christians suffering trials.

There was a popular praise song about 20 years ago that said, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."  "Though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes with the morning." My fingers hurt as I type this. I no longer play guitar, which was never in my plans for my life. Guitar playing was always going to be. But life doesn't always go according to our plans and dreams. But the constancy of the Lord is ever there. His love, mercy, and grace don't depend on us, it's all about Jesus and God's character.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if my pain will be better by Monday. I don't know if my sleep will continue to improve. I don't know my work future. But I know my Redeemer. He will guide, provide, and comfort. He will defend and bless. He goes before me and shields me from behind. Whom shall I fear? Truly.