DeShawntae

 I'm going to depart from my usual blog entries now and then to write of other things. I have written pieces over the years that do not directly focus on my faith per se but nevertheless address issues that are informed by my faith and are written from my core being that loves God. There are lessons to be learned from them. 

I find God everywhere. In nature, people, the news, even movies, and commercials. If you're looking for God, he really can be seen in nonreligious settings. I find that encouraging because there is a lot of darkness and it's easy to think, "Where is God in all this?" His light is found even in the darkest places. You carry it with you if you have faith. 

This entry is about a tragic young teen. It's a sad lesson I learned about myself and how I have judged people. I think I do better now. I have changed over the span of my life. His name has been changed, but the account is true. Originally written in 2009, it was a journal entry.

DeShawntae died Saturday from a gunshot wound to the head. He was fifteen. 

I didn’t know DeShawntae well. I confess I learned his name because he was a troublemaker. He was taken aback the first time I called him by name. He didn’t understand I made a point of knowing names for incident reports. I really don’t think he was a bad person. But I could see he looked up to the older teens who were disruptive. I think he thought they were being cool and had begun to emulate them.   

DeShawntae lived with his grandmother. When he was suspended, she called. She explained she had told him to stay away because he had internet access at home. She didn’t understand why he would go to the library and be disruptive. She said he had bipolar disorder and was a difficult child who wouldn’t always take his medication. That explained a lot of his erratic behavior.  She also said his father was shot and killed over drugs when he was only 28 years old. That was DeShawntae’s childhood. 

My last encounter with DeShawntae was the day I had him arrested for trespassing. His suspension was for throwing library property and cussing at the staff. He was not to be in or on library property for 90 days. He came in a week later and I had to have him arrested. I was doing my job but hated this aspect of it. It was unnerving to have to stand there and swear out a complaint while he sat in the police car. I was aware all the teens had emptied the library and were watching me. Part of me was angry with him because he had just acted stupidly by coming back to the library. Now he was being arrested. And selfishly, it was me stuck having to do it. 

There was also a part of me that was relieved he would not be back for awhile. One less headache. One less stressor. But now I’m devastated because someone I had kind of written off died senselessly and suddenly, and my only imprint on his life was to ride him for his behavior. I don’t think I could have rescued him, but I could have tried talking to him more. I might have come to know him as more a boy and less a difficulty. 

The police think he was playing with a revolver and accidentally shot himself. Or perhaps he said or did something that made someone else think he should die for it. God only knows. The police closed the case quickly; his grandmother left behind to grieve him. 

I can’t help but wonder what DeShawntae’s thoughts were. What hopes and dreams, if any, did he have? I’ll never know because I never really knew him. Regardless of his behavior, the world is diminished without DeShawntae. This I know.