The Merciful Best

 On my birthday, I received a phone call from a crying mother that her daughter was rapidly dying. She wanted to know if I'd like her to hold her phone to my unconscious dear friend's ear so I could speak to her one last time. It was a gut punch. 

My friend has been in an ICU for over 150 days, critically ill, fading, then rallying only to decline again. I'm riding a rollercoaster as I watch her struggle. With so many death-dealing conditions, lungs that are not working are being replaced by machines designed to only be used for a few weeks. Yet she's lived by them for over 100 days. She would have suffocated long before now.  

Her body is wasting away, all her muscles atrophying. If she does survive, her recovery will take a year or more and she will be left in a wheelchair living with a ventilator. 

As this journey unfolds, I find myself wrestling with what is best for her. Family and friends, including me, have pounded on the gates of heaven for a miracle. But there has been no substantial improvement. Just temporary times of consciousness and responsiveness followed by severe setbacks. How she has managed to survive this long is unfathomable. But much of it is due to her mother's endless advocacy for extreme medical intervention to prolong life. She is a nurse who knows what is available, and what could be thrown into the mix to keep her daughter alive. She's already lost two children and is desperate not to lose a third.

Still, my friend is living in a purgatory of human design. I worry she is conscious enough to be suffering but unable to communicate it due to sedatives. And I've been forced to search my own heart as to whether or not I would want to be kept alive through such measures; I would not. So, my prayers have evolved from seeking a miracle, to what is best, for what she might want if she could say. And my heart breaks for her, for her mother, and for me. 

The day after the devastating phone call, I received a text saying my friend had rallied and was conscious again and kissed her mother, along with an apology for having ruined my birthday. I assured her mother I was grateful she had given me that opportunity believing the battle was over. But rallies often come before death finally wins. My joy tempered by knowing another call may come soon and this time truly be the last.

I grieve. I grieve that a critical illness has taken a vibrant woman and reduced her to being barely alive by machines. I grieve her final moments may be awareness of the sounds of equipment, lying in a hospital bed, with bed sores and failing kidneys, gasping for oxygen. 

If it's wrong for me to want this to end, then I will have to live with that if she dies. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Yet it also seems to be the most merciful thing, the only thing I have the power to do for her as I pray for God's merciful best.

Where God is Found

 After an extended mountaintop period recently, I am back down. God was present to me in amazing ways and I was continually humbled under his mighty hand as I was led through a journey of inner examination which I shared over multiple blog entries. I don't know if anyone had the slightest interest or could even relate to my experience, but I knew I had to share because that is the purpose of this blog: a journal of my faith walk in this world.

Yet now I feel I have been left with little to say. I've been seeking God earnestly not wanting to lose his presence in such a concrete way. I find I'm walking down into a valley, not on level ground. I don't want to walk in a valley. I don't want to seek to experience the presence of God in life-altering ways only to not find him in all I see, hear, and do. After the high, I have come to a low.

There are pressures in my life that were there before, but they felt far away, not pressing in on me like they are now. I have experienced recent loss. I am facing the potential for even greater loss. I am watching situations deteriorate that I know will continue to worsen. Heartbreaking circumstances I am powerless to change or avoid. I have to walk through trials that went on the back burner while I was communing deeply with my Lord. Things that make me want to say, "Where are you, God?" Intellectually I know I was being prepared for these trials; that I was being given an intimate experience so I'd know without a doubt God is always present with me. But the mountaintops make me want to never come down. Still, the servant is not greater than the Master. Jesus had mountaintop times followed by the hard, gritty work of ministry, even death on the cross.

But our God is gracious and reminded me, he is always found if we seek him wholeheartedly. Scripture promises that repeatedly in both the Old and New Testaments. In I Kings 19, the prophet Elijah faced a similar experience. He had been used by God to deliver an important prophecy only to be chased with the threat of death. He hid in a cave where God asked him why he was there. Elijah recounted his circumstances. Then God told him to prepare, he was going to experience the presence of God as he passed by.

We all want God's presence. We all want to hear God's voice in a clear way. But we often look for him in places he simply doesn't show himself. 

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (I Kings 19:11-13)

Like Elijah, I have been expecting God to make himself known to me in all mountaintop experiences. But he is rarely found there. He is found and heard in the gentle quietness of a whisper. He showed himself in a way that required Elijah to wait and discern. 

So, too, with us. We get the occasional big reveal, but mostly we want God to always show up in big ways and we miss him because of it. When I quiet my demanding thoughts and tune my heart to listen intently and wait, his gentle whisper comes to me. I truly believe this is God's normal way of communicating with us. But the pressures of life and the ways of the world demand God to behave in the way we want. However, God chooses a way that is above our way. It's on us to bend toward him in humble silence. 

I will walk into the valley where he leads me and try to listen carefully for his whispers to me. I want to look for him where he is found.

Owing the Debt of Love

 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8 NIV.

Every day, in addition to my year-round bible reading, I'm greeted with a daily verse to start my day. Invariably, it's something that hits home. The new testament has many references to money and how to handle it. Jesus stressed what our attitude should be toward it, to remember, God is the provider and we cannot serve money and God. One will claim our hearts to the exclusion of the other. 

It's so easy to worry about where the money will come from to pay bills and put food on the table with rampant inflation. It's even more stressful when we have debt hanging over us. Some debt is incurred through no fault. I  have a large debt from foundation repair on my house that absolutely had to be done. So we have a monthly payment that is pretty sizable. It couldn't be avoided. Some debt is due to wants and not needs. For those debts, I have repented and have prayed for merciful provision with the promise to be a better steward of what God gives. 

I felt overwhelmed by all of it and for a short time stopped tithing, but things weren't getting any better. I couldn't get any headway in getting out of debt. But then I was reminded of the scripture that says to bring the whole tithe into the storehouse and test God by it and see how he will provide. So, once again I began giving ten percent of all my income. On paper, it didn't look like such a good idea. But God said to do it and expect him to be faithful. 

Along with tithing, I determine to cut expenses to all that was needed and to forgo a lot of wants. Slowly, but surely I am almost out of credit card debt. Then that money will be turned to retiring the foundation repair with some extra to save. I don't know how it happened, but now I have extra to give to those in need. It's God's money, not mine. As soon as I came to understand that, things began to change. Yes, I don't have a set monthly clothing budget, nor do I eat out much. I would love to get a new couch, but those are not necessities. They are wants that can wait until I don't have to go into debt to get them. 

But that isn't the whole verse. If I do not love others freely, and focus solely on my financial needs, I am missing the whole point. My true debt is to love the people God puts in my life. And that includes helping them as I am able. Most of all, it fulfills the law like Jesus did with his sacrificial love. I believe we have to pay our debts and that may require extra effort to do so. But tithing during that time will show our abiding faith in God's provision for us. Jesus said God knows we need clothing, food, and shelter, but to seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added. But, I'm not going to deny how hard that is when you're staring at a stack of bills and it seems insurmountable. 

Yet God's promises are true. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse. Whether it be to your church or divided up among different ministries that help others who suffer from want. That scripture is the only place in the bible where we are told to test God. I don't know what other unexpected expenses are going to be incurred by me through no fault, but as long as I give to the kingdom work and love others with the love of God, I believe he will provide.

This isn't the prosperity gospel, which is heresy. It is obeying and believing God doesn't lie. 

God willing, I will continue to obey in the future when finances get rocky again because they will. And I do not expect to get wealthy. No matter that I tithe, my fixed income will never make that possible. But I can find purpose and growing faith in believing I am just a steward of what is essentially God's money. 

Maybe ten percent is too hard a reach for now. This entry is NOT intended to shame or induce guilt or place pressure. God doesn't do that. Start where you are and give two percent, or five percent, and work your way toward ten. Giving will be rewarded. And pray for peace in the face of a mountain of debt. God understands and will comfort you as he gives you wisdom on how to get out from under it. 

God wants you to be free from the pressures the world experiences. Test him and see. Most of all always be in debt to love. Time, which includes intersession in prayer for others, and talent given in love is a sweet fragrance to God and will not be overlooked by him. 

Bending With God

 Many of you know I have suffered from chronic insomnia for years, but there have been times when it's been extraordinarily difficult. About eight years ago it got so bad that I was hospitalized for a week while they tried to figure out a solution. A new drug helped but caused severe weight gain. I've been on a mix of various drugs since. They all eventually stop working, so I've had to rotate medications. And down through the years, I've wrestled with God over this and so have loved ones on my behalf.

Recently, it's gotten quite bad again. Nothing has worked. I have been sleep deprived for several weeks which was the limit before I began hallucinating from no sleep. I have no idea how I am still functioning, but I am. Sometimes I feel so exhausted and my thinking becomes muddled yet I'm still going. 

There is a difference this time, though. I have found I'm not as ardently fighting with God over it and maybe it's because I've been meeting with him in the nights. The sleeplessness isn't just my tossing and turning, it's been reading scripture and hearing God talk to me through it. It's been journaling and writing my prayers to him. And it's been with gratitude that I've not been left alone in the dark with only my depressed and desperate thoughts. 

God has not engineered this chronic malady, but he has been using it, and for once so have I. As I read through the entire bible for the umpteenth time, I see the deprivations of some of God's people down through the ages and their responses. I see myself in them. They struggled mightily with God over their challenges, wondering where he was and why their trials were happening to them. 

But a curious thing occurred with some of them. Those who were flexible enough to bend toward God did. Their circumstances didn't necessarily change, but their hearts did and they found radical acceptance through their trials. A radical acceptance in which they acknowledged their lives were not as they might desire but it was okay. In that, they found peace. No longer fighting God, but leaning into him.

In my bipolar disorder, I've had to reach a place of radical acceptance. Unless God decides to miraculously cure me all of a sudden, I'm going to suffer a variety of symptoms for the rest of my life. I don't fight him over it and there is peace in that. I've stopped demanding answers. 

Do I wish my life were not like this? That I slept nightly and didn't have bipolar rear its ugly head periodically? Yes and no. Yes, because I would like to be like the "normal" people I know, as well as not have to take medications. No, because these conditions have driven me to my knees to seek God for his grace and strength. God knows me intimately and I cannot help but wonder if I wouldn't depend on him as much if I were any other way. It's like praying for patience and then being hit with demanding people and situations in which patience can be learned--or not. It all depends on how much you can bend. I do not wish this on anyone, but if you are wrestling with God, it may be time to learn to bend. 

I'm finding deeper intimacy. Deeper love. Deeper surrender. Deeper dependence. And oddly enough, deeper joy. I'll be grateful for sleep if it comes and a new medication I'm going to try may help. But regardless, I will rest in God's grace to assure me all is well between him and me. And I am bending. I am leaning on the everlasting arms of God.