After an extended mountaintop period recently, I am back down. God was present to me in amazing ways and I was continually humbled under his mighty hand as I was led through a journey of inner examination which I shared over multiple blog entries. I don't know if anyone had the slightest interest or could even relate to my experience, but I knew I had to share because that is the purpose of this blog: a journal of my faith walk in this world.
Yet now I feel I have been left with little to say. I've been seeking God earnestly not wanting to lose his presence in such a concrete way. I find I'm walking down into a valley, not on level ground. I don't want to walk in a valley. I don't want to seek to experience the presence of God in life-altering ways only to not find him in all I see, hear, and do. After the high, I have come to a low.
There are pressures in my life that were there before, but they felt far away, not pressing in on me like they are now. I have experienced recent loss. I am facing the potential for even greater loss. I am watching situations deteriorate that I know will continue to worsen. Heartbreaking circumstances I am powerless to change or avoid. I have to walk through trials that went on the back burner while I was communing deeply with my Lord. Things that make me want to say, "Where are you, God?" Intellectually I know I was being prepared for these trials; that I was being given an intimate experience so I'd know without a doubt God is always present with me. But the mountaintops make me want to never come down. Still, the servant is not greater than the Master. Jesus had mountaintop times followed by the hard, gritty work of ministry, even death on the cross.
But our God is gracious and reminded me, he is always found if we seek him wholeheartedly. Scripture promises that repeatedly in both the Old and New Testaments. In I Kings 19, the prophet Elijah faced a similar experience. He had been used by God to deliver an important prophecy only to be chased with the threat of death. He hid in a cave where God asked him why he was there. Elijah recounted his circumstances. Then God told him to prepare, he was going to experience the presence of God as he passed by.
We all want God's presence. We all want to hear God's voice in a clear way. But we often look for him in places he simply doesn't show himself.
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (I Kings 19:11-13)
Like Elijah, I have been expecting God to make himself known to me in all mountaintop experiences. But he is rarely found there. He is found and heard in the gentle quietness of a whisper. He showed himself in a way that required Elijah to wait and discern.
So, too, with us. We get the occasional big reveal, but mostly we want God to always show up in big ways and we miss him because of it. When I quiet my demanding thoughts and tune my heart to listen intently and wait, his gentle whisper comes to me. I truly believe this is God's normal way of communicating with us. But the pressures of life and the ways of the world demand God to behave in the way we want. However, God chooses a way that is above our way. It's on us to bend toward him in humble silence.
I will walk into the valley where he leads me and try to listen carefully for his whispers to me. I want to look for him where he is found.
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