God's grace is sufficient for all

I know people who can take things in stride. They are able to keep a handle on their emotions and stay steady for the most part, although everyone can be pushed only so far. But I will admit to being a very intense person. I try to maintain equilibrium, but often there are times I simply cannot reign in the strong emotions I experience. Most people do not know that I have a mental condition known as hypomania. It is a form of bipolar disorder. It’s a less severe form of it and can be managed with medications, for the most part. But I can still get over the top sometimes in spite of the medications I take to keep me level.

Why am I sharing this? Mainly because I know there are others who suffer silently from other mental conditions, such as depression, and most keep it a secret as if there was something very wrong about it. I know what that feels like. For a long time after my diagnosis, I told only a very few about it. I felt ashamed and defective as a person and somehow less of a Christian.

The church (universal) in general has failed to help those who suffer from mental illness. It’s simpler to call it sin and tell the sufferer that they lack faith in God or that they are unthankful and need to ask forgiveness and pray more. I have been in churches where that was taught and so the intense emotions I experienced, the euphoric highs and the suicidal lows were something I could not own up to and the very few I did share with told me how wrong it was to feel that way. I was a bad Christian, and that only made me feel worse about myself.

I cannot total the times I have prayed about it, asking God to heal me and getting no answer in return, all the while suffering in silence. Anger built and put a block between God and me. I still prayed for others but I had lost hope that he was going to answer prayer in regard to me. I stayed faithful in church attendance, but my relationship with God was one of “I have to do this” in nature. Not the way it should be, nor the way God wants it. But I could not get past the fact that he was not answering my pleas to be “normal”, and I slipped into a deep depression.

As is the nature of the hypomania, I would get out of depression and go to a high place, but again, afterwards slide down into a darker depression. It was a rollercoaster existence. All the while, I wondered why God was silent. Finally, out of desperation I sought medical help and was properly diagnosed and put on a drug regimen. It’s taken about three years to finally find the right meds and dosages to make life better for me and those around me. Throughout the process I was still angry with God because he wasn’t healing me. I argued with him and with others about it. But as I have leveled out, becoming able to think more clearly, I have begun to see that he is answering my prayer through medical intervention.

Paul had a bone to pick with God as well (2 Cor. 12). He pleaded several times to have a “thorn in his flesh” removed because it made life more difficult. God did not answer his plea the way he wanted. God told him, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. Paul’s response was that he would boast in his weakness so that the power of Christ would be fully revealed in him.

My need for medication to keep me grounded and focused is God’s way of telling me that his grace is sufficient for this thorn in my flesh. And since God does not shame his children, then my shame over having a mental illness is misguided. Do I intend to shout it from the roof? No, but I can share like I am now to give hope to someone who may need help and doesn’t know where to turn, or who is afraid to admit that they struggle with depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or any other mental condition. It’s not sin; it’s a physical brain disorder in my case and for others a chemical imbalance that is treatable.

If the church could hear and listen to the hearts of those who struggle to keep in control, they might find compassion rather than fear or misunderstanding. Those who view mental health issues as weakness might be able rethink their position and see with God’s eyes the true nature of believers who are mentally ill, that they are beloved by him just as much as those who are “normal.”

I have stepped out of my comfort zone to say all this. It’s like hanging out the laundry for all to see. Yet I know that someone might find hope in my words and revelation. God does hear and answer prayer. We just don’t always see or expect the answers to come in the guise that they do. God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for all our needs and weaknesses. Grace, God’s grace is really all we need.