It's All Good

Sometimes I engage in wishful thinking. Everybody does at one time or another. It can be simple and harmless, such as I wish I had a bowl of ice cream. Actually, right now I do, but I am trying hard not to eat dairy. Other wishful thinking is not so innocuous. Wishing harm on others, wishing to be rich without any effort on your part, wishing to have an easy life, which often comes at the expense of others and can lead to selfish slothfulness.

But lately, I really have been wishing for an easier life. I still have daily struggles due to inadequate sleep. I weigh far too much, yet I am not exercising as I truly need to. I have far too much stress from work that's affecting me physically and emotionally, yet I have dragged my feet about therapy (though I did finally make an appointment and have seen a therapist for one session so far). I wish I did not have bipolar disorder and so much anxiety. I want to be able to retire now, but I'm only 64. I have to work for at least two more years. There are debts to be paid off first. And I have to have medical insurance.

Yet, I am making changes. I found a new psychiatrist who really listens and is addressing the anxiety which my prior one did not. I have made an appointment with a sleep specialist to see if I can have a sleep study done. I saw the therapist and have another appointment in a week. I am going to go on a daily walk after work, weather permitting, and I may try Tai chi.

I am trying to cope with arthritic pain. Giving up playing guitar after 54 years wasn't an easy decision. And I actually listed my beautiful guitar for sale on Craigslist, but thought better of it and pulled the ad. I asked my son if it had any sentimental value to him, and it does, so he will keep it in the family. I cried when he said that. My son was immersed in music growing up. Music has been such a huge part of my life. It was a form of prayer.  So, I have a lap dulcimer and I am going to teach myself how to play it. It will be easier on my joints. Joni Mitchell played lap dulcimer on many of her recordings, so I have set the bar high.

Where is God in all this? He has hemmed me in. Christ before me, Christ behind me. Christ above me, Christ beneath me and Christ at my side. I cannot flee from his presence. Wherever I go, he is there. He is as near as the very air I breathe. Life is always evolving. I don't know what lies in the future other than glory at the end. But the journey to glory is filled with detours and sometimes dangers. The only map I have is scripture and the still small voice of God.

All this to say I have reached radical acceptance. By that I mean I accept I may never be free of psychiatry and medications. Arthritis could progress and worsen. Maybe I'll never know the bliss of a full night's sleep. I have spent many years arguing, pleading, bargaining, and at times angry with my back turned to God because of various trials. But radical acceptance leads me to kneel before my maker and bless him for making me and learning to be content, whatever my lot. All told, God has blessed me beyond measure. I admit I have wasted years complaining to him, all for naught. I may not have much, but for what I have I will be grateful.

There is an old gospel song that goes, "God has smiled on me,  he has set me free. God has smiled on me, he's been good to me." It's true. God looks at me and smiles. His face shines upon me. More than ever, I want to dare to look at him and smile back. It's all good. It really is. May you also see God's smile and taste his goodness. Because it really is all good.