Grace for This Time

It’s getting old, this broken leg and hopping about with a walker. I go from bed to recliner and short forays elsewhere in the house. The only place I’ve gone since the first week of May has been one trip for x-rays. I’m stir crazy, depressed, and bored. I can only read and write so much. TV is mind-numbing; so are games. Even hospital stays were more stimulating.

My next outing will be the end of July for more x-rays to see if my leg is healed enough to allow walking. It’s a little over four weeks away but seems an eternity. I’ve been through dark times before, but at least I could get out of the house. Ennui has me in its grip. I miss working, the people I worked with and helping the public. I worked there for over sixteen years, and even though retiring is for the best, I haven’t fully processed what is a major life event.

That change no doubt contributes to my depression. There is an end in sight for my walker days, but retiring is a whole other thing. I tell myself I can always work part-time and I think of the volunteer opportunities to help people. I will look for those, but the library was a multifaceted job. My job duties were so varied. I never knew what the next question would be. And it provided professional as well as personal growth opportunities.

I’m grateful for having had that job and that employer. My mental health issues were accommodated for me to keep working. Over the years, I worked for six different managers and only one was not understanding or supportive. Those were dark days, but with God’s grace I kept my job.

As I have been writing this I have begun to feel a little lighter. Putting my thoughts down always helps. I’m sorry for those who are told to suck it up when they struggle. God doesn’t say that in the bible. The overarching message is grace extended to us in whatever state we are in. In human flesh, God came to know homelessness, hunger, fatigue, and suffering. Jesus walked in our shoes and understands. So I turn to him in my weakness knowing he doesn’t say pull up your big girl panties and I am grateful.