The Revelation of Ourselves

“They” say confession is good for the soul. “They” are speaking the truth, but for the most part, I think those who say that don’t have many skeletons haunting their closets, especially ones that some do not wish to be brought into the light. I live a lifestyle I pray conforms to that of Christ Jesus, but years ago I was dead in my sins and they weren't very nice. I have a closet full of skeletons rattling around in my heart and mind that I don’t readily reveal. The cost could be too high to bear. Rejection is one of the hardest things to endure. The pain inflicted on our hearts and minds has the power to break us and leave hopelessness in its wake.  That is why great caution should be taken when revealing past sins as well as ones of the present. Even in writing this blog entry I feel some anxiety.

I encountered the Savior when I stepped into an AA hall nearly thirty years ago. AA is not a Christian organization. In fact, the twelve steps and traditions of AA go to great length to not align the program with any particular religion. AA’s Higher Power allows everyone to come in and feel at home whatever their beliefs or un-beliefs. But the only Higher Power I could turn to was the Christian God of my childhood. I was not disappointed. When I asked Jesus to take me as I was and help me, I knew I connected with the one true God, and I was utterly shaken to the core of my being. His response was not a list of rules to follow and hoops to jump through. Instead I found freedom from the bondages that had held me captive for the better part of my life.

Confession is good for the soul. The steps of AA lead the alcoholic through the process of finding a Higher Power, cleaning up the past and making a new life for the future. The particular steps I am referring to are the ones that require us to make a list of all persons we have harmed and a true evaluation of our lives. The kicker is that you not only have to confess those things to God, but you must also confess to another person “the exact nature of our wrongs.” (AA Big Book).

I was so reluctant to share my sins with anyone that I balked for a while, but the truth is anyone who refuses to do that will eventually drink again, or for non-alcoholics, fall back into the sins they are so easily beset by. I found a sponsor who seemed like she had lived fully in the world and wasn't easily shocked. She was also a Christian. I made my list and spilled out my insides to this person with great fear and trepidation. But my fears were met with grace and acceptance. She was in short, a life saver. When I finally finished, she assured me of her acceptance and of the acceptance and forgiveness of God. She was the face of Jesus acting on his behalf to help me feel as forgiven as I was. Confession is indeed good for the soul.

There are sins from my past that I will share openly, and there are sins I do not. The revelations of those past sins are reserved for people I sense will not reject me. Yet every time I decide to risk rejection, I am terrified, because I have felt the sting of it and want to avoid it at all cost.  So why talk about things of the past that have been forgiven? Because those I tell my story to can give glory to God and perhaps find an open door for confession for them if they trust me as I have trusted them.

I do not confess to keep condemning myself and repeatedly seeking absolution for things for which I have already received forgiveness. I did a complete 180 when I turned to the Lord and was set free through confession, forgiveness and grace. My story might just be what the person needed to hear. I don’t often reveal that I have Bipolar Disorder because of the stigma attached to mental illness, but in doing so when it feels safe--an anonymous blog--or with people I know to be trustworthy, I have found many times there are questions I can answer because someone they know has a mental illness.

The confessions brought to God in repentance never result in punitive actions or rejection; they are designed to bring a greater freedom for the heart, soul and mind, and an awareness of the brokenness we all live with so our hearts will grow more tender toward one another.

There are those who reject the light of Jesus so their deeds can remain hidden in darkness. Those who have received salvation through grace bring their deeds in his light so they can be seen for what they are: chains of bondage forged by our own hands, the machinations of the Liar, and the lure of the flesh. If you are wrestling with past or present sins, find someone with whom you can share and in doing so be released to experience the love and forgiveness of God in a tangible life-changing way.

Confession is good for the soul.

Testing Our Thoughts

This past week I have had a reoccurring thought, the origin of which is a bit murky. There is risk involved in acting on it. It’s something I am taking it very seriously because if it is coming from the Holy Spirit, then I face risking much stepping out in faith or I can disobey God which carries its own consequences. I am reminded by the life of Jesus that obeying God carries a great deal of risk. Christians in the past and present have suffered much for sharing how Jesus saved them. Living by faith can prove very difficult and the Lord doesn’t promise we will come through unscathed in this life.

My dilemma is keen. Ideas that sound good may come from the father of all lies. Scripture says he masquerades as an angel of light. He salts his planted thoughts with enough truth to make it plausible that the Lord could be the author of them. That is why we are told to test the spirits and we do so by asking ourselves if it’s scriptural, does it bring glory to God and what do mature Christians and spiritual leaders think. In other words, we should only step out boldly if we are certain we have heard from God. Jesus didn’t say or do anything that the Father didn’t model for him. He spent much time in prayer seeking direction from the Father.

Then there is the danger of running ahead of God’s plan for us by stepping out on ice he didn’t tell us to test. It may seem like a good idea, but our own thoughts, however holy they may seem, can be just as dangerous as those of the Liar. When we act on thoughts without testing them, we can set ourselves back in our faith walk. I could easily point to people who have told me they’ve been called to preach and running out to start a church with no backing or plan. Many crashed and burned. God hadn’t called them to be pastors; they took a thought and ran with it when it hadn’t come from God. Or it was a premature move that caused them to step out too early before they and their path had been made ready.  

Now that I have made everyone question all their plans, the good news is that if we just follow those three precepts: is it scriptural, does it glorify God, and what do other more mature believers and leaders think, we will then be able to more clearly discern what God’s will is for us and from where the source of the thoughts originate.

I am applying those questions to the thought that is insistently pressing on me. Frankly, it scares me, but I am trying to come to a place of peace that can only come from knowing from whom this idea has come. I can either walk away or step out on the limb of faith, even if it’s with trepidation. I pray I will do the right thing. 

The Enduring Love of God

As I have walked through a long dark night of the soul, I am re-experiencing God’s love anew. His love is unlike the love of humans, even that of Christians many times. The bible says it is steadfast, that God’s ways are not our ways, his thoughts not as ours. God’s love is unrelenting, without conditions, and fiercely faithful. I recall once hearing that he was the hound of heaven, able to track our footsteps and never lose sight of our travels through this life even if they be convoluted.

The book of 1Corinthians, chapter 13 describes what perfect love looks like. I must admit, I fall short many times of the kind of love God wants us to live by. Human love is shot through with conditions and self-interest. While unbelievers have a capacity to love, their love is completely corrupt in comparison with God’s.  But even we believers often fail to love as we ought. How many times have we loved someone only to grow weary of their neediness and withdraw our love and care? And what about all the times we have convinced ourselves that those beset by sin are unworthy or untouchable? Even the promise to love our spouses faithfully through sickness and want ends in broken vows all too often. We fail to love others as the Lord loves us. I am not pointing a finger. I am well aware of my lack of perfect love.

The painful reality is that while we withhold our love from those can be difficult to love, we either deceive ourselves that we are in the right, or we condemn ourselves before God rather than asking for forgiveness and grace to love as we ought. The result of condemning ourselves is the painful feeling we have failed God and his love is being withheld from us until we meet expectations, biblical or self-imposed. Our fear leads to guilt and self –loathing, robbing us of faith in the redeeming, endless love of God.

The truth is God’s love never condemns, nor is it meted out in small doses based on our performance as Christians. His love is summed up in 1 John: he first loved us. His love compelled him to provide for our redemption when we were ignorant of needing it. His passion for us was clearly shown by the death and resurrection of the Son of God and Man, guaranteeing eternal life in the presence of perfect love. The unconditional love showered on us frees us to love him and others as he loves us. Do we always hit the mark? No, but the learning curve is no longer impossible with the presence of the Holy Spirit indwelling our hearts.

Our effort to love God’s way is a process. Opportunities abound and whether or not we succeed in each instance doesn’t lessen God’s love toward us. It calls unto us to keep pressing on and not give up and lose sight of the truth. His forgiveness and abundant grace will slowly transform us to become more Christ-like in the here and now. And when we meet him face to face, our eyes will behold what pure love looks like and ours will be purified completely so we may finally love our Redeemer and Father with the same love.

God’s love never fails and that truth should comfort us and give us peace. I am still trying and at times failing, but as I continue to be lifted out of the pit I am in, my love for God is growing. His faithfulness towards me compels me to not lose heart. Paul said he would forget past failures and press on to the high calling in Christ Jesus. May we all have the same heart.

There is Light

I know my blog entries have been downers lately, but I have to be honest. As the old saying goes, “To thine own self be true.” The reason my blog exists is to journal my journey in faith and I do not believe for one minute that other Christians have not been through similar challenges and setbacks. As much as I expect perfection in myself, I must acknowledge that perfection in this life does not exist for anyone. Christians are people who are being made into the likeness of Jesus, but the total transformation will not be complete until we see him face-to-face. That is where our hope and attention should lie and not on our failures.

Having said that, it is much easier to say than to do. It means nothing less than total surrender to the Lord of all areas of our lives; to hand over all our doubts, fears, and shortcomings, entrusting them to the keeper of our souls. I have been through one of the worst periods of my life this past year and I think I may see a tiny pinpoint of light in the far distance. The blackest tunnel I am walking through may have a positive ending after all. I hope that light signals the end of the darkness I have wandered in for a long time.

We are broken vessels of clay. Formed in perfection and beauty, Adam and Eve chose rebellion and we, their descendants have followed in their footsteps. As John wrote, if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the light is not in us. Well, I announce to the world that I am a sinner. That I am shot through with sins of commission and omission, and all my struggles to absolve myself through wasted efforts to do better on my own are in vain. Broken down and bleeding self-righteous efforts, Jesus calls to me, saying there is a balm for my many self-inflicted wounds, as well as those perpetrated on me by others throughout my life. Wounds that I am discovering I have no power to heal on my own; wounds that I just can’t ignore or forget.

What can I do? Paul wrote, “Woe is me. Who can save me from this body of shame?” He then provided the answer: Christ can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There is a longing in my heart for the life changing and saving grace that comes only from God. Life may have shattered me over the years with many evils done and done to me, but he can use me broken as I am. I will not be perfectly healed in this life, none of us will be. We are left redeemed, broken vessels in order that we may extend grace and mercy to those we encounter who may also be struggling in similar ways.

There was darkness throughout the land before Jesus died. He had to walk through his own black tunnel for the salvation that came afterward with his resurrection in light. His brokenness frightened his followers until they understood the reason for it. This is what every believer must learn: their own brokenness is not the end. There is light ahead and a journey in which we will experience growing pains, but also one in which we will encounter wounded souls we can offer healing balm to. The old hymn chorus rings in my mind, “There is a balm in Gilead, to heal the sin sick soul. There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole.” The balm we can give others is our love and humility born out of the pain we have lived through, and that gives hope that nothing lasts forever in this life. Suffering begets peace, and peace begets hope, and hope begets joy that leads to deeper faith in the one who claims us just as we are, where we are, and who we are, with no strings attached.

Paul wrote that this present suffering is nothing compared to what awaits us in the presence of the Lord of all. While I may have struggles in this life, I will, through his word, hope in his ever abundant grace. As Psalm 119 says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” And the Word and Light is Jesus Christ.