The Christmas Gift

The season has officially arrived. Time to bring out the holiday decorations collected over the years, along with new ones purchased at half price after Christmas last year—the special trappings that announce the season of celebration. Trees are trimmed, candles lit, carols sung, lists made, gifts purchased and wrapped, parties planned, church plays produced, turkeys roasted, and every tradition of every family is carefully observed for the sake of memories.

It would be tempting to write a critique about the increasing secularization of our “holy days” traditions. But the deepening layers of fluff that threaten to obscure Christ are a legitimate concern I’ll save for another essay. Truthfully, the whole season with its traditions can produce a warm feeling in me, a kind of rosy glow that makes me want to stuff cash into the red pots of bell ringers, hug strangers, and maybe even “teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.” That’s a good thing—or is it?

I’ve heard many Christmas sermons over the years, but none has enlightened nor disturbed me more than the words of an unsaved woman I knew some years ago. While helping decorate an AA hall for a holiday party, she made the off-handed remark, “I just love Christmas. You know, the baby Jesus thing and all that stuff. It gives me a warm feeling.”

I had forgotten that conversation until today. At the time, I didn’t think much about her comment, except that she needed to know baby Jesus grew up and died for her. Maybe I even said that, I really don’t remember. Now I find her words unsettling in a different way. She had expressed sentimental feelings that are uncomfortably close to what I, and probably other Christians feel.

Sentimentality isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it masquerades as spirituality, it satisfies merely at a surface level, distorting love and grace by diminishing them. The deep ocean of God’s love and grace becomes a wading pool. Instead of being immersed in His great love, we slosh around, accepting shallow spirituality and risk missing the awesome waves of His passion that can only be experienced when we venture out into waters over our heads.

The memory of that comment resurfaced today in the form of a question God posed to me: Do you understand the cost of the Incarnation?

Christians are (or should be) familiar with the basic theology of the Incarnation: Christ was born of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary. God became fully human. We recite it in our creeds, we read it in the Bible, and hear it from the pulpit. We proclaim Christ’s divinity and humanity based on the doctrine of the Incarnation. But do we really understand the price the Son of God paid when He became the Son of Man?

I must confess, this morning during my prayer time, it occurred to me I did not. As I prayed, I wondered if indeed it was even possible in this life to fully comprehend the depth of sacrifice Jesus made when He stepped out of eternity and into time.

In The Great Divorce, C. S. Lewis wrote, “… the higher a thing is, the lower it can descend—man can sympathize with a horse but a horse cannot sympathize with a rat.” I believe it was also C. S. Lewis who observed that it is barely within the capacity of humans to understand how amazing an act of condescension it would be for a man to become a lower creature. It is one to thing to have a level of consciousness that enables one to sympathize with a lesser creature, such as a rat, it is entirely another to actually become one and experience all that rats experience, having left the lofty realm of humanness and all that entails.

We can only imagine the possibility, since no man has ever emptied himself of all his natural attributes, retaining only the knowledge that he is still in essence a man, and taken the likeness and consciousness of a lower creature—to be both that lower life form and man. Even though the chasm between man and rat is incredibly broad, the analogy falls short because humans and rats still share a common bond: they are both created beings. The analogy cannot begin to express the magnitude of the condescension of the Creator in becoming the creature.

It is the mystery of the Incarnation: God becoming one of His creatures, yet still being God in essence. What Jesus left behind when He condescended to the level of a dividing cell in Mary’s womb is what I have never fully appreciated, and I say that to my sorrow, because the sacrifice of Jesus on my behalf began long before the cross.

The entire seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of John records the last time Jesus prayed with His disciples before His crucifixion. Next to the anguished prayer in Gethsemane, it is probably the most passionate prayer ever uttered, and He prayed it not only for the small band of men gathered around Him, but also for us:

“And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was… Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may also be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world (v. 5, 24).”

The inclusion of that request in His prayer reveals His desire that we understand the level from which He had descended to walk among humanity. He had willingly left the Father’s presence in a place of grandeur and glory beyond human imagining, and emptied Himself of the attributes that made Him God.

In Philippians 2:6-11, Paul attempts to describe the depth Jesus’ sacrifice through the Incarnation:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

He made Himself nothing. The All in All, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty became a creature, a lowly servant, and willingly bore the cross—our cross, our sin, our shame. The question still reverberates: do I understand the cost of the Incarnation?

I will enjoy the Christmas season. I will probably overeat, spend a little too much, and observe all the traditions, sacred and silly. But there will be a silent prayer offered continually from my heart: that I would grow beyond sentimentality and press deeper into the heart of God where emotions are transformed and become holy.

Moses prayed to see God’s glory, and God granted his request, but only gave him a glimpse. He covered Moses’ eyes with His hand as He passed telling him, “you cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me and live.” But Jesus is the face of God, and we are commanded to focus our attention on and our hope in Him. The hand of God no longer blocks our view, only our own hands cast up in fear, shame, or ignorance.

It may well be that before “the mortal is clothed with immortality,” my vision will be obscured for countless reasons. But His prayer will ultimately be answered. Until that day, like Paul, I will seek to grasp the width and length and depth and height of His love—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, the love that compelled the Incarnation—and to truly understand His incredible Christmas gift.

The Testing of Faith

Recently I had to deal with something that no one wants to face: cancer. I had a large mole on my calf for years. It was a part of my anatomy and I just accepted its presence. But over the past year it had been growing larger. Still, I didn’t think much about it. But then it began to darken in the middle and develop an irregular shape. I thought it was odd, but that was all. But when I felt a lump, something started niggling in my mind to go see a dermatologist. Still, I let it go a couple months while the thought persisted.

Finally, I thought maybe I shouldn’t ignore it and went to see a dermatologist who took one look and said he was 80-90% sure it was Melanoma. He removed it and sent it in for analysis, and yes, it was Melanoma, the number one skin cancer killer. After a tense week the pathology report came back and said it was shallow enough that it had not reached my lymph system and all that would be required was the removal of more surrounding tissue, which because I let it go so long was a lot.

When he said the word Melanoma, I had no questions for him. I was too stunned. I know how dangerous it is. I was numb. But soon the numbness wore off and two things happened. I became very anxious and very depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And I definitely didn’t want to go to work and be around people which my job is all about. I was sinking into a deep hole. The only prayer I prayed about it was, “God, I don’t want to have cancer.” It was all I could muster.

My psychiatrist increased my antidepressant and I got mental health time off work. I was also taking anti-anxiety medication. In short, I was a mess. All because of the thought of having cancer. To get straight to the point, I was not being a model Christian. Where was my faith? Looking back, I am amazed because I have been through some pretty difficult trials in my life and faith has carried me. So why would I falter now?

In his letter to the various churches, Peter said that trials are to prove the genuineness of our faith which is more precious than gold. But what kind of faith was he referring to? I believe he was referring to the faith that results in our salvation and in that sense, I never wavered. Never once did I doubt that. The faith I failed in was that of believing I would be okay. I forgot the promise that God would never leave me nor forsake me, that he is goodness personified.

The trial was not intended to deliberately trip me up, or to make me look bad or feel bad about myself. It was intended to help me see what I need to work on in order to grow deeper in faith. We all have a breaking point and I think God leads us there to help us grow and mature in faith. I praise God that things turned out as they did and that I listened to what was obviously the Holy Spirit nudging me to go to the doctor. I have every confidence that I have learned from this and with God’s help will grow from it.

When you are lead to that place, and you will be, I pray when you come out on the other side, your faith will be deeper and stronger because of it, that you will not be dismayed, but determined and find the peace that passes all understanding. 

God's Care

Outside my home I have a hanging plant. Don’t ask me what it is, because I don’t remember, but save for one week, I faithfully go out every other day and water it. It isn’t out where it can get rain and even if it were, we have been living with drought-like conditions for weeks now. It would dry up and die if I did not tend to it continually.

Recently, I discovered a nest and four bird’s eggs in it. I have been very careful to not get it wet when I water, but I have not seen the mother at any time and I am beginning to believe she has abandoned the nest and her four potential babies. They are no longer under her care and because of that will die.

Our lives are like that. Our souls and our bodies need care. In John 15, Jesus said He is the vine and His Father is the vine grower. We are the branches and that apart from Him we can do nothing, but if we abide in Him we will bear fruit. God tends to us. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us that if God cares for His creation, He cares even more for us. “Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?...Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat? Or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’…indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

We are God’s handiwork and He will never fail to care for us. Even in our darkest times, God is with us, upholding us, nurturing, comforting, and yes, sometimes correcting, but that is always done in love to produce, in the end, Christ-like qualities in us. God’s love for us compels Him to keep us from all that would separate us from Him, even to the point of death on a cross.

We will never be abandoned like that nest of eggs. In Psalm 27:10, David said, “If my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” In Hebrews 13:5b, God says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” These are sure promises in which we can hope. He will never founder in His ability to carry and sustain us. We will never be bereft of His presence in our hearts. We can take comfort in that knowing He has us in the palm of His hand where no one can snatch us away. (John 10:28).

Regardless of circumstances or emotions, God is caring for us. Every breath we take, we take because He wills it. Every mountain, every valley, in all places and at all times, God’s care is constant. Psalm 139 says that there is nowhere we can go that God cannot keep hold of us. Let that thought go with you each day and be assured you are cared for. God is watching over you, even now. 

A Different Commission

This has been a week of wonder. I would say it’s been a magical week, but there’s been nothing magical about it. It’s been a week resulting from years of labor and love. Desire and dreams. Effort and even agony at times. All culminating in one exceptional week and one very special day: The day of graduation and commissioning of 1,032 West Point Cadets. And I was there to see my son become an officer in the United States Army.

My son dreamed of becoming a fighter pilot at an early age and so we talked to him about the Air Force Academy. Even took him there to visit. My father was a career Air Force officer, so for me a military career didn’t seem a bad option for him. But as he got a little older, the fighter pilot dream faded and soon was replaced by wanting to be a soldier. The watershed event for my son’s generation was September 11, 2001. It is their Dec. 4, 1941. I saw how deeply it affected him. He was in fifth grade at the time and the school turned on the TVs so they could watch it happening as it unfolded on the news. No censorship. At the time I was upset by the school’s decision, but in hindsight, they did the right thing. My son’s love of country is amazing.

It’s not that he just wants to go shoot people. He is following two career paths. One, his degree is in international relations, to understand others and to try and be a part of bringing others to the table to talk things out. And to teach others about other cultures, primarily those of the pacific-rim.

Second, has chosen to go into Ordnance, not to just blow up things, but primarily bomb disposal, to destroy IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) that kill and maim ours and our allies’ troops daily. He will be competing for only a few slots for the school when he reports to his first assignment and it is his goal to get one. For him, it is a means of saving lives.

The teen I sent to West Point has come back to me a man, one I am so proud of. A man who is becoming who I truly believe God has created him to be. I cannot believe how blessed our family has been by the Lord. I look at our son and wonder what I did to deserve such a gift. I would be lying if I said I did not fear what the future could hold. The military life means danger. And I cannot begin to express what grief I would feel were the worst to happen. But God has led him to this point for reasons unknown to me and He has a purpose for his life. For now I will rejoice in and with him. And God will have to keep him. He is now no longer under my care. 

Making time for Prayer

It’s amazing how much I depend on the internet. I go online daily to chat with people in far flung places, to research, to pay bills, check my work email and personal email. Today, my internet provider went down and I suddenly found myself cut off from the rest of the world. It was frustrating to not be able to just sit down with my laptop and be instantly connected to the places I go and the people I love.

I am reminded of how easily communication can be disrupted in other areas of my life as well, most notably the communication between God and me. Prayer is connecting with God in a tangible way. We can be casual, earnest, angry, humble. There are many postures we can take in prayer, but we first have to pray and do so often. I am willing to spend time daily on the internet communicating with others, how willing am I to spend time communicating with God? I admit, I don’t pray as much as I should, at least not in my estimation. I pray daily, don’t get me wrong, but I am sometimes on the run and breathing out prayers as I go instead of sitting down and making sure I have time when it’s just God and me. I always have his ear, but he doesn’t always have mine.

Sometimes it’s a matter of something getting between God and me. I allow attitudes or unconfessed sins to block the way to an effective prayer life. There is a disconnect that takes place and it’s on my end not his. Unlike the unreliable internet service, God is always there with the channels open between us, but I fail to do what I need to do at my end to make sure there is no disruption. I need to check my heart for those things that would interfere with my prayer life and confess them, asking for forgiveness. God hears and answers always and I am aware of that when I keep my side of communications open.

Hopefully, my service will be up soon and I will be able to do what I need to do today. In the meantime, I think I will spend some of that time in prayer. God is waiting for me and I don’t need an internet search engine to find my way to him. He is already here. 

Loving God's Way

Of all the emotions God gifted us with, the most complex is love. For us it runs the gamut from “I love pizza” love to “I love my husband” love. It can be as shallow as loving a color or as deep and intense as a mother’s love for her children. We can feel patriotic fervor as a result of love of country and sentimental warmth for love of the holiday season. Love is complex and is expressed in a variety of ways by humans.

But how does God see love? Scripture says, “In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10). His definition of love is given to us in the very life and death of Jesus. More than words from a Webster’s dictionary, he clearly demonstrates the meaning what love is all about. There is no ambiguity or confusion when you look at Jesus’ life among us and his death on the cross. God’s love revealed to humankind in the most radical way possible.

The passage from 1 John goes on to say, “Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another.” God’s kind of love is exemplified in Jesus and that is the kind of love we are to show one another. The well-known verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a pictures love as Jesus lived it: “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

And God’s love is strong. It does not waver in the face of adversity or pain. It is a constant. It doesn’t depend on our good days or bad, whether we’ve stumbled and failed or if we are doing just fantastic. In fact, it doesn’t depend on us at all. God’s love is wholly based on his heart’s desire to love us no matter what may come. He calls us to love the same, to set our hearts to love sacrificially just as he does.

There is a song from years ago that had a chorus line, “Love is not a feeling it is an act of your will.” There is truth to that, but I would add that God’s love is a fierce love. There is nothing passionless about it. There will always be times when to do the right thing in love may not be accompanied with great emotion or at least not joyfulness, but keep following the example of Jesus and don’t be surprised if passion eventually follows actions. The Bible says Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before him (Hebrews 12:2).

I try to love God’s way, but I know I fall short too often. The good news is that the Holy Spirit resides in me and his presence produces the fruit of love. If I press onward and closer to God, if I continue to practice love in all I do, the fruit will grow. So it is for all God’s people: God’s love, for us and through us, reaching into the lives of the deserving and undeserving alike, touching lost, broken hearted, beaten down weary travelers in this life.

If we can love with God’s love, we can change lives, and not just the lives of others. We’ll find we ourselves are being transformed with every act of love. Dare to love with God’s kind of love and see what happens when you do. I promise you won’t be disappointed. 

Thoughts Matter

Right now I have an old Rolling Stones song stuck in my head. I frequently have songs get stuck in my head and drive me to distraction. They’re called earworms and they crawl inside my mind and take up residence sometimes and will not move out all day. Sometimes it can be a pleasant song or it can be a maddening commercial ditty. Either way, though, they can invade my thought life and make me miserable. But I do have ways of fighting back.

 Our thought life is important to God. What transpires inside our minds matters very much because what we think orders our steps. If I allow certain thoughts to go unchecked in my mind, I find myself being careless with my words. Thoughts that encourage feelings we should be rejecting put us on a path leading away from God’s presence. If I feel anger and begin meditating on it rather than dealing with it properly, I drive a wedge between God and myself and the person with whom I am angry and open up the real possibility of acting on the emotion because I have stirred it up by my thoughts.

 In Philippians 4:8, Paul writes, “Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (NRSV) He went on to say that the God of peace would be with them. In other words, they would experience His presence as they practiced thinking this way. Scripture also encourages us to meditate on God’s word.

 In the Psalms, David exclaimed, “Oh how I love your law! It is my meditation all day long…I have more understanding than all my teachers for your decrees are my meditation.” (119:97, 100) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (119:105)

 We do well to corral our thoughts and remember God is Lord over them as well. We can’t always control what pops into our heads but we can replace those thoughts and deliberately choose to meditate on those things that please God and that will help lead to Godly living.

Times of Testing

We have had an unusually warm winter with little precipitation. It’s as though the heavens have closed up leaving the ground parched for water. No appreciable snow, little rain, and it has been this way for several months.

There are times in the spiritual life when the heavens appear to be closed, too, and no responses to prayer seem to come. Or, the Spirit of God seems to be in another universe altogether and we feel bereft of His presence, times when God almost seems to not be listening to us for some reason. When that happens, we’ll take inventory: do I have unconfessed sin? Am I angry at someone? Do I owe someone an apology? We come up with all kinds of reasons why God has seemingly left us alone and on our own.

But God’s silence isn’t necessarily due to anything on our part at all. Scripture says His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. In the Gospel of Luke, the Holy Spirit led Jesus out to the wilderness after He had heard God’s voice from heaven declare, “You are my Son, the Beloved, with You I am well pleased.” (Luke 3:22) It was in wilderness wandering, a place of silence and aloneness that Jesus was tempted by Satan. It was a time of trial and testing for him. This, after a moment of glory.

It is not comfortable to talk about God testing His people, but scripture says He does so. Not so He can see if we will fail. No, the good news is that even when He seems far away, the abiding truth is that we have the Holy Spirit indwelling us. And His power and presence means that just like Jesus, we can be victorious in the times we feel the weakest. Whatever we may face, God will never truly leave us alone and without sufficient strength.

We may feel like God isn’t hearing us or that He is nowhere to be found, but He is near. Scripture says God will never leave us nor forsake us, and that remains true in times of trials. Whatever we are going through, God is there, giving strength and grace so we might move on to greater things in life. So, do not be discouraged if facing difficulties and in the wilderness. Jesus went through the same and is alongside you even now. Faith is the assurance of things not yet seen. It is our hope of coming through stronger and closer to God.

Preparing for Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and the tree is trimmed with presents underneath. No last minute shopping for me. I planned well this year. Everything is ready for Christmas morning. But there is a nagging thought that something may have been left undone, something very important.

It occurs to me that maybe I haven’t prepared my heart enough for the coming of the Christ child. Yes, I’ve gone to church through Advent, but have I done anything else to prepare for this celebration and day of awe? I’m not sure I have. I haven’t spent extra time in reading the scriptures or prayer. I haven’t meditated on the amazing gift of God to humankind. In short, I haven’t done things I should have and I feel it keenly now that the day is almost here. I won’t make that same mistake at Easter, my most moving holy day.

God’s grace is such that my failure is not the end of the world. I will receive his grace and will honor the day as it ought to be. We have a family tradition that started when my son was old enough to sit still long enough. My husband always reads the story of the birth of Jesus from the Gospel of Luke before we open presents. Even now that my son is a grown man, he will do it. I hope this is a tradition he will carry on with his family when he has one.

Preparation for Christmas is so much more than decorating and buying gifts. It’s a time of contemplation of what God did when He sent His Son into the world. It’s meditating on the willingness of Jesus to strip Himself of all His privileges and divinity in order to become as one of us, to experience what we do in this life. To be born in the rudest of conditions, seemingly not fit for a king. But it is because of his humble start in life that makes His exaltation just that more great and marvelous.

It’s really not too late for me to ponder those things before the day we celebrate as his birthday. Perhaps I should have been preparing longer, but the God of mercy and grace will accept my sacrifice through the shortened preparation of my heart just the same.

May you have a blessed Christmas tomorrow, remembering with joy the entrance of our Savior into the world into order that all might be saved. Along with the angels, I say hallelujah!

Proclaiming God's Goodness

I will thank you forever because of what you have done. In the presence of the faithful I will proclaim your name, for it is good. Psalm 52:9.


Twenty-eight years ago at this time, I was a raging alcoholic and drug abuser. I found nothing to be thankful for except the next drink or high. I avoided family gatherings because to have to go without a drink that long was too hard. My life had spiraled out of control and I was dead inside. My life revolved around alcohol and drugs and by that point, partying no longer mattered. I drank and got high alone at home daily if there was nowhere to go. I was hopelessly addicted.

Twenty-eight years ago and before, I had a gone through a string of broken relationships and a long term abusive one. I had attempted suicide twice and spent three weeks in a mental ward in a hospital. I was a cutter and have a bad scar on one of my arms that required stitches. I was filled with self-loathing and had little love for others. I was both a user and used.

But twenty-seven years ago God in his amazing miraculous way suddenly intervened in my life. I was the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector, the demon possessed man rolled into one and one day Jesus walked into my life and asked if I want to be made whole. No, I didn’t see him, and I didn’t hear his voice, but feeling suicidal again, the words, “I don’t want to drink anymore, today I will not drink” greeted me first thing the morning of March 26, 1984. I didn’t know where the thought came from, but I didn’t drink that day. I know now the thought was from the Holy Spirit.

By the next day I had the shakes badly and knew I needed help and found an AA group. It was there that I rediscovered God. Among a group of recovering alcoholics, some pretty worldly, I found they all claimed a Higher Power was keeping them sober. The only God I knew of was the Christian God I had been raised with, so in both terror and abject humility I breathed a prayer that if Jesus would have me I wanted to come back. In that instant, my life was utterly changed and changed forever.

What God did for me was nothing short of miraculous. With his grace I have remained sober and drug free for twenty-seven years and have had a lasting relationship of twenty-four years with my husband, a beautiful son and a successful career. Looking back to where I was before Jesus reached into my heart and began the slow process of transformation, I can only be overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement.

I doubt that I would be alive today if God had not claimed me when he did. I do not understand why he chose me, why he would want such a broken and debased person, but I will rejoice over it and not take lightly his marvelous grace toward me. This Thanksgiving, I am reminded once again that I have much to be grateful for, many blessings to acknowledge and I am doing so as I write this. I pray that all who read this will find at least one thing for which they can thank and praise God.

My church closes every Sunday service by saying, “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.” This Thanksgiving Day, let that be your response to the Lord. He is indeed good to us all the time.

Faith in Prayer

Three hours of sleep. That is all I have had tonight. I will have to go the next twenty hours on that that amount of rest. And who know how much sleep I will get tomorrow night. I pray more, but I honestly don’t have a lot of hope. I have been praying for years for relief from the chronic insomnia that robs me of energy, alert cognitive abilities, and emotional stability.

I say I have no hope, and yet, I love God, my Savior and Redeemer. I will not be ungrateful for the sleep I am granted. In fact, every morning I make a point of thanking the Lord for the sleep he has given me, however little it may have been. Maybe it’s the hope of ever having my prayer answered with a yes for sleeping a full night’s sleep routinely that I have lost. I still pray, but it is without real faith anymore because I have simply given up. It’s gone on too long and I have grown weary of asking for something that it seems God is not going to grant.

But scripture has something to say about that attitude, something that I need to hear once again and take to heart. Perhaps there are others reading this who also given up hope of ever getting an answer to prayer. God has a word for us:

Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart, saying, “In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man. There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me legal protection from my opponent. For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, ‘Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will [wear me out.’” And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge said; now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:1-8 NASB)

Jesus knows the frailties of the human condition and the tendency we have to lose heart when answers do not readily come. That’s why he spoke that parable to the disciples, to encourage them to not flag in hope and faith in God’s timing. There is a promise within his words that prayer will be answered at some point and it’s our job to keep praying with genuine faith in his reliability and faithfulness to keep his word. So, the ball is in my court. It’s up to me now to allow the Holy Spirit to rekindle the hope within my heart through the hearing of the Word, because that is what it takes to move us from faithless to faith-filled. I’m willing. I am tired of living without hope. It’s time to begin to “cry to him day and night” once again. I want him to find faith in me when he returns.

My Days are Numbered

I am fighting tears as I write this. Yesterday a young man died at a training camp run by the military academy my son attends. He was only eighteen. Only a week past, a young woman in her twenties who had attended my church died unexpectedly as well. Both deaths were doubly tragic because of the youth of the people who died.

That death is a part of the human experience is a given, but when it touches us in abrupt ways, it somehow seems a more terrible burden of grief to bear. Parents expect to outlive their children, not bury them. My heart goes out to the grieving parents of these two young people while at the same time trembles with a measure of fear that perhaps I, too, could face the same agony if my son were to ever give the ultimate sacrifice for his country.

People have to face the reality of death whether or not they want to. God has allotted to all a certain number of days on this earth and then we are called to an afterlife, regardless of what we believe. Death, especially when it takes the young and vibrant, seems to make life meaningless at first glance. All our dreams and efforts are for naught when death takes us away from all we have known and loved.

But for Christians death is cast in a different light altogether. Scripture says we do not grieve as the world without hope grieves. Because Jesus died and rose again, we have hope, too, of a resurrection and a new life that will no longer include death and tears: just as was written, “O death where is your sting?” We have sorrow and suffering now at times, but the God of all grace, peace and love comforts us with the hope of spending eternity in his presence and in joyful union with loved ones who have gone on before us.

Lives cut short are not in vain. I don’t have the answer as to why God calls some home so soon, but his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. For the time they were here, those two who died left their mark on the lives of those around them. Their light shone for but a brief moment, but it was bright. I think it’s time for me to stop and take a hard look at how bright my light is shining. To remember I don’t know when I will face death. As David said, Lord, teach me to number my days.

Waiting for God

I have not kept up with this blog and I have been remiss about it. It’s not that I am too busy or no longer interested in blogging. It’s because I have been suffering from the lack of sleep for sometime now and it has affected my cognitive abilities. In other words, I have had a hard time thinking and trying to put any words together in writing, but I need to try and trying I am.

I have been locked in a battle with my insurance company over trying to get a prescription filled that will help me sleep. It has been weeks and it seems I am making little headway. I am fighting for something I need and it’s been hard going.

Our spiritual life can feel like that at times. I sometimes feel as though I am battling God for things I need. The answers to prayer for urgent needs are not forthcoming and it can be baffling and frustrating. But it isn’t that God is uncaring about my plight. Scripture says He is mindful of us and hears our pleas. When the Israelites cried out in their bondage, God heard and took care of their need, but He did not answer immediately. They had to wait four hundred years for the day of freedom, and that begs the question, “why”?

I don’t think there is one answer to that question. God is inscrutable and His ways and thoughts are not like ours. What I do know is that He seeks for us to trust and be patient, to believe He hears, cares and will answer in due time. In the parable of the woman who daily sought redress from the judge for her need, Jesus taught us to pray and keep praying, because our Father hears and will give us what we need when the time is right.

I don’t pretend to fully understand the answer to this dilemma, but I do know that I have a loving Father who knows I am struggling. He is very aware and will give me what I need at the right time. Until then, I need to be patient and grateful for the grace He extends to help me during the wait. He will come through for me, of this I am certain. It is His very character that is the assurance that He loves and cares for us in our times of need. The answer is coming. I just need to keep the faith.

When Winter Hurts

It is the bleak mid-winter as a very old song goes. The time when everything lies in a deep freeze and the sun often is often hidden from our view. It’s a time when some people fall into deep depression and are sometimes even suicidal. It’s for those I want to speak. They need a voice because it’s easy to just tell them to buck up: “this too shall pass”.

I would venture to say that many of those who are depressed are struggling to keep it hidden. Their words are “okay” when asked how they are doing, but their actions deny it. And there are those who cannot function at all, their condition being too severe. For those who are depressed, words like : “this too shall pass” or something similar provide no help or comfort at all. In fact, they hurt. They are dismissive and for many simply untrue without medical intervention. Depression is a terrible state of mind and can lead to serious consequences.

For those who are depressed and need encouragement and hope, just letting them you are aware they are feeling down and that you care about them is one way of giving support. Ask them if there is anything you can do for them, and if you know them well, ask if they have considered seeing a doctor because that is really what they need to do. Yes, winter will go away, and there are those who will get better and no longer need medication, but depression is a serious illness that needs attention.

Telling someone that depression will just pass is like playing with fire. You don’t know if it will cause a larger fire to take hold and burn something greater. So with depression, you don’t know if it could lead to suicidal ideation and someone actually taking their life. Don’t take it that to mean every case of depression will lead to that because those are the minority. But don’t dismiss those who are suffering with depression. They are in pain.

For those of the faith, encourage them to stay connected with their brothers and sisters, encourage them to continue to go to church. Encourage them to keep reading the bible and praying. And above all, be their friend. Be willing to be there and spend time with them. They need to know that people love them even when they are down. They may choose to isolate, but be there when they do reach out.

How do I know all this? Because I have been there, I have experienced the pain of depression. I spent months in a place of deep despair before getting the help I needed. I wish I had gone sooner. I simply could not take anymore and was feeling suicidal. Those dark days are over thanks to medication. So, remember in prayer those in your life who may have depression and reach out to them with words of compassion. Let them know you care and understand they hurt. God knows and has compassion beyond ours. Follow him and let him guide you as you offer help and hope to those who struggle.

Merry Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I am ready for tomorrow. The tree is trimmed, presents are wrapped, my part of the dinner complete. All is ready to go. I am also ready for our family tradition that we have followed since Matthew was about three years old; old enough to begin sitting still to hear a story, so we began reading a story each Christmas before we did anything else.

The story isn’t a long one, and not complicated so a little one can follow it easily. And it’s found in the home of Christians, and some non Christians, actually. Every Christmas, Will gets a bible and looks up the book of Luke, second chapter, and reads the story of the coming and birth of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t take very long at all, and we sit quietly and listen to the words he reads, letting our hearts pause and wonder over what God did, the miracle of what happened over 2,000 years ago.

The giving of gifts, the traditional cinnamon rolls and other traditions and activities that follow are fun and we have a joyous day. But of all we observe and do on the holy day of Christmas, that pause, that sacred time we share as a family is the most meaningful of all.

My precious son maybe in faraway places after next year and the tradition won’t be complete unless by some miracle he will be able to be home. The Army will determine where he will spend his Christmases from now on. Even now tears are falling and it is hard to type. But it is my prayer and hope that wherever he is, he might think about opening his bible and reading the story about his Savior’s birth, and that in the future when he has his own family, he will carry on the tradition.

I hope each family will take time to remember as they gather around the table to pray grace, to thank God for that as well as the food. It’s easy to over look that in the hustle and bustle of the day’s activities. Make a tradition something to remember the miracle of the incarnation as a part of your Christmas celebration.

May this Christmas be blessed and filled with you for all.

A Peaceful and Joyful Advent

It’s Christmas time and this year I am amazingly not depressed, at least not yet, and hopefully that caveat will not be prophetic. The holidays have always triggered the depressive side of the bipolar and I have always struggled to keep a smile on my face and act jolly like all the rest of the season’s revelers. This past year has been markedly stable thanks to medications that have finally been fine tuned. There have been some rough patches along the way, but for the most part, I can look back and be thankful for the overall balance I have experienced.

Even church has been good. In the past it has always been a place of stress and not a place of joy and refuge. All the extra demands of the season create anxiety instead of peace, stress and not joy. It’s the same with family gatherings. I love my family, but they are not easy to be with. While I was somewhat down at Thanksgiving over Matthew’s absence, I found the time with them to be a little less stressful than in the past.

I have been thinking about why this is the case. Yes, much of it is due to medications. I am so grateful I live in an age where medicine has advanced to the point that it has and there are treatments available now that truly help. I thank the One who has given us the creativity to invent those medicines and cause them to work.

But the whole of it is because of the Prince of Peace whom this season is all about. God is merciful and loving beyond what we can even begin to comprehend. It is his abounding grace that has given me the peace I have earnestly sought. It is the peace of Jesus, the peace that passes all understanding that has entered my heart this Christmas.

The Spirit of Christ lives within each believer and brings the fruit of peace and joy, but I don’t always manifest them in my life. But God in his great wonderful mercy extends his grace and touches us in unexpected ways at unpredictable times. He doesn’t announce himself, the Spirit just moves and we are moved along with him.

This Advent season, I hope I will continue to anticipate his coming into my life once again in a new and fresh way. The angels proclaimed the good news about the birth of Jesus and expressed great joy on behalf of mankind. I will join in this year remembering that he came for me. That alone should bring peace and joy.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

It’s Thanksgiving Day and like most people I know, my family will be gathering together to enjoy a meal celebrating the day we set aside to give thanks for the things we are grateful for. We will go around the table and each one of us will say something we are grateful for. Every year I wrestle with it and always end up saying “friends and family” because it sounds good and you can’t go wrong with it even if the last three people used it. I could say I am thankful for my job, which I am, but one of my family members is unemployed and that would be like adding insult to injury.

I could say I am thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for me, but that would be way too preachy to a brother-in-law who has been taking baby steps for years toward God and for whom I pray like the dickens. The last thing I want to do right now is drive a wedge in between them. But, though I have an infinite number of things for which I am grateful, including friends, family and Jesus, I am also grateful for something I had kind of forgotten about until recently when an opportunity came to be a guest speaker at an AA meeting.

I admit it’s been a while since I was last at an AA meeting. I have no excuses. I guess it’s because the desire to drink left so long ago I think I don’t need them. But out of the blue, an AA friend from years ago called us and asked if we would be speakers for a month long 12 steps panel meeting. I agreed, then realized the terrible truth, I no longer remembered them. It had been so long since I read my big book or been to meetings that I had forgotten the 12 steps that saved my life.

Quickly reviewing them each week before I spoke stirred up memoires for me and I was able to share my experiences about working the steps. I succeeded in doing what I had been asked to do and a funny thing happened to me. I realized how much I missed AA meetings. And I realized just how much my life has changed over the years because of AA and not drinking. The life I lead now is radically differently than the life I once led. I would not trade my worst day now for the best day I had then. I am filled with gratitude beyond words for the life God has so graciously given me. His plan is amazing!

I know what I am going to say today. I will say I am thankful for family and friends, but I am also going to say I am grateful that the life I lead today is not the life I once led. It may leave them scratching their heads, but I will say it because it’s true. I am grateful that God stepped into my life 26 years ago and saved me from certain death from addiction and I have never been the same. It is Happy Thanksgiving!

The Dry Spell

It has been a very long time since I last posted, too long. My goal is to post twice a month, but July and August came and went and I was silent. I can’t give a reason for it. I don’t have one. Sometimes, I just don’t have anything worthwhile to say. I hope that isn’t the case today.

I am in a dry season in my walk with God. I am doing what I need to be doing, but it feels like I am just going through the motions. I have been in this place before. It’s not a fun place to be. Nothing seems to excite me all that much. We have new co-pastors at my church and while I am really happy about it, all the same, I feel a spiritual blank.

I don’t like this place. It feels like my prayers are only going as high as the ceiling and then bouncing back down, never reaching the throne of grace. They seem to go unheard and unanswered. I feel bad for those for whom I pray because my prayers aren’t helping them at all. God is too far away to hear them. I don’t know where He has gone, but He’s nowhere near me. It’s a hopeless place to be.

It’s how I feel, but is it the truth? I am a very emotional person who tends to go by feelings rather than logic. It’s just how I am wired, but a wise woman once told me that when it comes to my faith sometimes it’s better to use my head rather than my heart. She is often right and this is a time when I have to do that very thing.

The truth is God has not disappeared and left me behind. He is still present and accounted for. Nothing has changed about Him. How do I know? Because in Joshua 1:5 it says, “I will not fail you nor forsake you” There are other books of the bible that convey the same message. If I use my head rather than my feelings in this instance, I can believe that even though He feels so far away, He is nearby, the Holy Spirit never leaving me.

I don’t know how long I will be in this place, but I can remind myself that God has not abandoned me. I am not cut off. I am not alone. It may feel like it, but the truth will keep me while I am in this place. This time of testing will grow my faith soon I will feel His presence once again.

Needing a Makeover?

As I write this my living room is being painted. The kitchen is finished and it looks great. I got a bit of a rush when I walked in there this morning. It is a totally different room. It’s brighter and more inviting. It’s just as I had envisioned and it makes me feel brighter, too.

How we look to the world around us matters. Just as my walls needed a makeover, sometimes we need a makeover, too. It is important how we present ourselves to those we encounter. I’m not talking about changing clothes, though modesty should be considered when in public view. I am talking about our outward attitude as we show ourselves to the world, what people see.

I am guilty of showing a bad attitude at times. I just get up on the wrong side of the bed and my general deportment is one of irritability. I complain and am short with people. My coworkers know I am a Christian and they are judging me all the time. But the real judgment is of Christ. I am his representative on earth. They see him through me and sometimes it isn’t pretty.

I have a choice each day as to how I will look in the presence of others. There are times when how we look is very hard to control. Pain and suffering from circumstances overwhelm us and smiles do not come readily. I do not speak to that. I speak of the normal day to day attitudes we have, the ones we really can choose to exhibit. The truth is I can choose to go with a bad attitude, or I can pray and make the real effort to put a smile on my face. When I make the effort to try and be pleasant I find that a better attitude will always follow. There is a total makeover.

Today I am feeling good and it shows, but tomorrow could be a whole different story. I will have to make a choice as to whether I let a negative attitude rule the day, or ask for grace and go with the positive. I really need a makeover now and then because people are watching. So, I will put on the garment of praise and be sure the Jesus seen in me will be one of love, joy and peace, because it matters.

Let Freedom Ring

I posted this last year, but I went back, reread it, and felt I should post it again for this year. I hope everyone is grateful on the 4th for the freedoms we all too often take for granted. God has been good to America.


It’s Independence Day and to be honest, I’m not all that excited. As a child, the 4th of July was next to Christmas and birthdays in terms of anticipation. I could barely contain my enthusiasm for firecrackers, bottle rockets and sparklers. Every year I’d get burned a bit by careless handling of punks and sparks from the sparklers inevitably caught some skin, but nothing that a wild tomboy couldn’t deal with. I was too engrossed with blowing up things to care about a burn or two.

Though my “adultness” keeps me from too much excitement, the fact is if handed some firecrackers, I’d be looking for an empty tin can to blow into the air. There is something about blowing things up that appeals to some lower nature in me. I don’t know whether or not that is something I should confess, but it’s on paper now. So as I sip a cup of coffee and listen to the sounds of fireworks going off in my neighborhood, I cannot help but remember the Independence Days of my childhood.

As a kid, I knew the hoopla was a celebration of the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I had to know that much to make it through school. There was always rousing band music and flags waving, and of course, fireworks. It was a time when I was in awe of uniforms and ceremony and very proud that I could say my dad was in the Air Force. It was a childish patriotism, but everyone felt that way. I was surrounded by people who revered the flag and all the protocol that is entailed when handling it. The flag was almost holy. Each school morning, we’d face the flag, put our right hands over our hearts and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I could recite it along with the Lord’s Prayer. The two may have been the same in my understanding. Somehow, God seemed American to me and the USA was the best country in the world.

A lot has changed in the world from the years when I was busily blowing up things. I’ve learned that the flag is not sacred, the Pledge of Allegiance causes controversy, and the USA is not liked by many. And God is not an American. Never was. I am though. In spite of questionable leadership and corrupt government, injustice and inequality, racism and violence, there is still something that causes me to choke back tears when I hear the national anthem. Maybe it’s just a conditioned response, but I doubt it. I can see that with all its many flaws, America is still blessed with much good: abundant resources, wealth, opportunity, and countless generous and caring people. I may not always like how my government acts, but I live in a nation where I can say that and not fear.

So maybe I was wrong to say I’m not too excited today. I am an American. I am proud that I was an Air Force brat, that my father served his country for 25 years. I am proud that my son is a cadet at West Point and serves his country in the military. I am proud that my husband is a Vietnam veteran. I am proud of the young men and women serving overseas in harm’s way. But I am also proud to be in a land where people serve others everyday in soup kitchens and missions; of those who work for justice and equality; of teachers in classrooms; police officers and firefighters; honest government employees; and all the ordinary folks who get up, go to work, pay taxes, give to their churches and drop money in the Salvation Army buckets each December. I live in a nation where creativity is allowed to flourish and dissension is permitted. I live in a country where people from all walks of faith may gather and worship freely. I live in America and I’m proud of it. And it’s all because some very brave people put pen to paper over two hundred thirty years ago and began a grand experiment in democracy and freedom.

I guess I am excited after all.

Trusting Through Trials

It’s been a while since I posted, which bothers me because I want to be consistent with posting at least twice a month. Writer’s block. It happens now and then and it is frustrating for me. I try to write, but inspiration doesn’t come readily, so this may be a bit stilted.

I have several people in my life who are in need of a lot of prayer right now and I have been praying daily for them. I have been praying hard because I am passionate about their needs being resolved. But nothing seems to be happening and they continue to suffer. God seems to be doing nothing to lift their burdens and I have reached the point where I am questioning why He is so far away and doing nothing for them. In fact, I am a little angry about it. I am beseeching Him and have others praying. Nothing.

There are times when God seems to leave our prayers unanswered. We are left with burdens and circumstances that are difficult to cope with. Sometimes trials are heartbreaking and painful and we cry out for help, but are left to deal with things on our own. I think I am not alone when it comes to questioning God and even getting angry with Him. His silence and inaction are unfathomable.

But is He really ignoring our prayers? Scripture makes it clear that God always listens to our prayers, no matter what we say and how we say it. The question really is why He allows circumstances to continue, sometimes for long periods. I am no theologian, but I think I have at least a partial understanding of what He is doing. I believe He is preparing the answer for us that will come at the designated time. When and where that will happen, we do not know, but in the meantime He allows trials to shape us, to mold us to be more like Jesus in becoming stronger, more patient and more compassionate.

Trials are painful and we want them to end immediately, but we must allow the time it takes for the desired result to be made permanent. God’s wisdom and actions are unknowable for now. We have to continue to believe in His goodness and love toward us. Learning to trust Him is the ultimate goal, to believe He has our best interest at heart. When I get angry it’s because I have yet to gain that understanding.

I know I will have to go through trials as I walk on the earth. Jesus faced them in His time on earth. God allows them for us, too, because the servant is not greater than the Master, but like the Master we will be in the end. I will continue to plead for my friends because prayer is never wasted, but I will have to understand that God answers prayer in His time and in His way. All I can do is trust.

Suffering in Life

I am writing this with a brain that has been sleep deprived for a week now and I did not sleep a wink last night. I was just not able to function at work, not even the most basic of my job duties, and my psychiatrist wants me to take a couple days off while we try a new medication and to somehow get the rest I desperately need. I have a job and a boss that permits me to do just that, so I am home writing a blog entry that may not make any sense.

I have been trying to stay as positive as I can be which isn’t easy. What little sleep I get I have been saying thank you to God for, rather than complaining to him. It’s been a challenge to do so because I feel terrible. I don’t understand why this is a condition I live with that so adversely affects me.

I don’t understand much about suffering, in fact, I don’t understand it all. I know people personally who suffer so much more than I do with my bipolar disorder. As bad as I feel, I know there are millions more whose lives are so much more challenging than mine. They are suffering far worse and I don’t know why God permits it.

The bible records the questioning of Job, a man who suffered some of the worst anguish a person can experience and he started out like me, trying to honor God in the midst of his suffering. But he finally reached his breaking point and began questioning God, demanding an answer. I have read it multiple times and each time I come away with the feeling that God really doesn’t answer his question directly. But God does indeed answer.

The answer to Job’s questioning was a rebuke couched in a declaration of God’s greatness and sovereignty. Simply said, God is the Creator and Ruler of all things and what he chooses to permit is his divine right and we are not given insight into his thinking in the life we now live. Revelation will come when we see him face to face.

In the meantime, the way we are to cope with suffering is to reach out with love, compassion and practical help to those who suffer. Encouraging and aiding in any way that we can by the giving of our lives, our grace and our resources. It is not easy to be an encourager when you are the one suffering and sometimes we are called on to do just that. Other times we are the ones to receive.

While I don’t really understand suffering, I can trust God’s goodness. I can continue to offer up thanks for what he has given me. God does not overlook the suffering of his children and in time when we see him, we will receive what is precious beyond all understanding. What that is we do not know, but it is a sure promise. So let’s be about the ministry of God and trust him to sort it all out in the end. God is good all the time.

Blessings in Abundance

Today is my birthday and it’s all I could ask for: a beautiful day of sunshine and perfect temperature. I just came home from shopping and updated my wardrobe which was sorely needed. My husband chauffeured me around and we will go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. I couldn’t ask for a better day.

As I write this I realize how very blessed I truly am. I have been thanking God all day in my heart for another year of life, and one that I can look back on and feel pretty good about. But I also need to thank him for the very fact that I was able to go shopping and spend the money I did. I am blessed with a job when many others are not. I am blessed with a house when there are literally at least a million people or more who are living either in tents or out in the elements because of natural disaster or war.

I am blessed with clean water to shower in, let alone drink, when so many have to haul water daily and it’s not even clean, so illnesses that are preventable are rampant. I am blessed with a healthy body when so many live with illness and conditions which incapacitate. I did nothing to be blessed like I am. It has been given to me.

I ask myself why? Why me? All that comes to mind is the scripture verse that says to whom much is given, much is expected in return. All that I have was not given to me just to enjoy myself. God has given me what he has and expects me to give in return. I confess I have not done as much as I ought. There are many ways I could be volunteering, but I haven’t done much in that regard. There are needs in the community where I live. I do write checks for causes, but I could do without some of the things I enjoy in order to give more. I pray, but I could spend much more time in prayer for the needs of others.

God has blessed many people in this world, and some give generously in numerous ways, and some hoard it for themselves. In the end, there will be an accounting. It will be based on to whom much is given, much will be expected. I don’t want to hang my head in shame for all the ways I could have given but did not. If God grants me another year, I plan to spend it differently than in the past. God willing, the blessings he has bestowed on me will not be squandered, but spent wisely, pleasing him and helping others.

Doing My Laundry

I am writing this in my pajamas because I have no clean jeans to wear and have to wait on my laundry to finish before I go public. I really should have done some before now instead of letting it all pile up, but I just let it go and now I am stuck and errands I need to run are being delayed.

It can be like that with our spiritual lives as well. We can let sins and attitudes build up without taking proper steps to deal with them immediately. We hang onto certain sins because they are pleasurable rather than taking them to God and seeking help to overcome them. There are always consequences when we don’t let go of sins and negative attitudes in whatever fashion they may come. Losing the sense of closeness to God and to others is first and foremost, and our sense of well-being is lost. We do harm to others, too, in our reluctance to deal with sin right away. Racism is one example of the consequence of harboring sin, so are violence and infidelity and a thousand other consequences, big and small.

I could make an endless list, but that is not what this is about. It is about letting sins pile up and then expecting no negative consequences. When Jesus walked among us, he repeatedly said to repent because the Kingdom of God was at hand. But he knew that it would be impossible for us to do that without help, so God provided it in the form of the Holy Spirit. The death and resurrection of Christ made the way for salvation and opened our hearts for the presence of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is our Motivator to deal with sin, but we sometimes ignore the promptings to our peril, be it little or great.

My laundry is just an inconvenience in the big picture of life, but it is a reminder to me to not let the more important things go as if it doesn’t matter. It does and I would do well to heed the lesson. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I will bring my sins and negative attitudes to God for forgiveness promptly and not let them pile up. Jesus paid the price so I could do just that, so it’s time now to get my spiritual laundry taken care of.

The Guilt Trap

I am home today having taken a day of sick leave. I rarely take one, mainly because I am a healthy person, but also because I feel guilty when I do. I always have. I have earned a lot of sick days and should use them if I need to, but I just feel guilty when I do.

Sometimes I can feel guilt over other things that I really shouldn’t. Things for which scripture says I no longer need to. Guilt that is misplaced and unnecessary and I know I am not alone. Christians sometimes feel guilt when they should not.

Guilt is a form of bondage that holds us hostage and interferes with our spiritual lives and our emotions. I feel guilty when I sin, but that is a proper guilt and I rush to ask forgiveness, but guilt should stop then and there. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I cannot let go of the feeling regardless of what scripture says. I tend to view sin as having differing levels in my life and God will judge them accordingly. Some sins are worse than others and the more I think about a sin, the greater the guilt. I think others feel that way, too, at times.

What we forget is that our sins were judged at the cross and have been forever stricken from the book of our lives. Only what we do now for Jesus matters. Guilt over what has been forgiven interferes with our communion with God and causes an emotional response that depresses and can even induce fear. We get trapped in it so easily, living with guilt that is no longer our due. God must grieve over it, knowing he has done all so we could live free from its torment and bondage.

When in that place, I talk to other believers who can extend God’s grace to me, to be accepting of me so I can accept that God has truly forgiven and there is no record of my wrongs. The pain of guilt is real and I find when others stand in for God and extend the grace needed it eases the pain.

Just as Jesus was the face of God when he was here, so too, are believers. As his representatives, we have the power to offer God’s grace to our brothers and sisters, and to remind once again that he has forever removed the guilt of our sin. It is done.

Strength in Numbers

One thing I have not really shared about is my fear of crowds. Being with a lot of people in close proximity can induce a panicky response. I simply cannot be in those situations if at all possible. When there are a lot of people in the building I work in, I feel anxious. I get anxious when I go to the grocery store because it is a rather confined space with a lot of people. My husband goes with me. When he is with me, I don’t have that feeling most of the time. I think I feel that things are under control and will be okay. I also have medication for panic.

The presence of the Holy Spirit is really at work in this. It is his presence that I sense through my husband. Would it be better if I could just go it alone without the panic? Probably so, but there is a lesson in this. God doesn’t intend for us to be Lone Rangers when it comes to our spiritual life. The bible says that it’s better for two to be together because if one falls down, the other is there to pick him up. Jesus sent the disciples out in pairs. There was a need for them to be together and not be on their own.

There is indeed strength in numbers because we all have differing capacities and gifts. Where one is weak, the other is strong, and we all have our weaknesses both physical and spiritual. Sometimes we cannot pray as we need to, others are there to pick up the slack. Sometimes a difficult decision needs to be made and others are there to counsel us. Simply put, we need each other to walk through this world we temporarily abide in, too much is at stake.

I don’t know if my fear of crowds will ever go away, but God has made provision for me and he has made provision for all his children to compensate for our weaknesses. He has done so by giving us each other. The body of Christ is beautiful, peopled by those who love Jesus and seek to be like him, growing together in grace. Like it says in the song Jesus Loves me, I am weak, but he is strong, and he makes his strength present to us as the Holy Spirit shows himself through all.

The Pruning Process

I have houseplants, I think most people do. I’ve always had them because they brighten the atmosphere with their life, something lovely living with me. They of course require care; they are totally dependent on me. They let me know when they need water by their drooping leaves and then I take care of their need.

One thing I also take note of is dead leaves. They need pruning and I am faithful to do that when I become aware of them. They spoil the loveliness of the plants and I want to see them look their best, to bring beauty into the room where they are placed.

Like the plants, we need pruning, too. Just as I see the need and prune, God takes note of the things, attitudes and behaviors in our lives that diminish the beauty he has created. I really don’t know if my plants sense that I am pruning them, but I can recognize when I am being pruned, because it can sometimes be painful when he cuts away the things that mar and impede his presence. The face and attitudes we show the world need to be real, genuinely Christ-like: his love, grace and mercy. He diligently cuts away the dead way of living, the things we cling to that cause us to stumble.

My plants don’t have a choice when I prune them and neither do we, but the end result is worth it. The loveliness is restored for awhile. I say for awhile because more pruning will be necessary, and so it is with us. Until the day we are called home, the pruning process will continue and we should be glad for that. We are slowly being transformed and the final result will be endless beauty.

Pruning is not pleasant, but it is necessary. When you feel the pain of things being stripped away, remind yourself that you are becoming more as Jesus was when he walked among us and becoming more as he is now as well, to which we should say, “prune away, prune away.”

Simple Support

As I write this, I am sick. I don’t know what I am sick with, but I have some sort of crud, and I feel pretty crummy. I won’t go into details because sick talk is not permissible with many. It makes us uncomfortable somehow, but it shouldn’t because there are those ill who need their brothers and sisters in Christ to help them walk with the burden of illness that goes beyond the basic sickness I have today.

Some of my close friends have major illnesses and if I had not been open to hearing, they would be without my support. Cancer and other catastrophic illnesses are hard to hear about for those who do not face such giants in their lives, but not as hard as it is to hear those words when you are the one being diagnosed. Perhaps in some parts of society talking about illness is unacceptable, but among those in the body of Christ, that should never be the case.

Those who call themselves Christians should always have open arms, open minds and hearts for those who have serious illnesses. To hear the word cancer is frightening for the one diagnosed as well as the ones who love them. To have to talk about it is awkward at first. “I’m so sorry, I will pray for you,” seems terribly inadequate, but saying those words is a start to being a support system for those whose lives have just been upended by an unexpected and unwelcome diagnosis. Those who are facing difficult battles seek support, sometimes with desperation, and knowing prayer is being offered can be a balm for troubled and fearful hearts. Greater support can be offered as we talk about the illness and how it is affecting the one with it. But we have to be willing to talk about it and not shy away. Sometimes, the greatest support comes in the form of a listening ear.

I may be feeling poorly today, but I know there are those just within my immediate circle who are facing illness that isn’t going to go away in a couple of days. I want to be there for them. Maybe all I am able to do is pray, but that is no small thing in the eyes of God who tags us to come to the side of those in distress and hold them up, to be the support they need to cope with the previously unimaginable.

It goes with being a Christian. It’s called love.

The Winters of Our Lives

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

The words to the old hymn are so true, winter feels endless right now, and for some, their emotional state is bleak. I feel that way at times. The frequent absence of the sun and the cold winds bring me down. I long for spring to come and end this bleak season.

We have seasons in our lives as well and spiritual winters come to us. For reasons unknown, God ordains seasons in our lives and in the winters, the presence of God is absent and we feel abandoned, at least I do. God seems more than a million miles away, I wonder if he is even in the same universe.

But the truth is God has gone no where, his “hibernation” is only temporary to cause us to seek him with passion and fervor. There have been times when I have literally cried my prayers during my winters. It’s a passionate seeking of him, a deep desire to regain seemingly lost communion with him.

Jesus felt abandoned on the cross. It was a winter far beyond what we ever go through. But the result was a promise of an endless summer of his presence, of our beauty and glory because of his death and resurrection, an eternal end to the winters in our lives.

Life will go through a continual cycle until his return for us. We will have bleak winters and summers of abounding joy and growth. But he never abandons us, he is always there, and the promise of his everlasting presence is sure. Look forward to spring. It’s coming and again, we will grow and flourish as the hibernation of his presence ends and joy is ours once more.

The Measuring of a Year

This past year I have had significant events in my life. A dear friend moved out of state, a long way out of state. I never get to see her anymore and it’s left a void. Some serious instability from bipolar wreaked havoc for several months. Work has been very stressful and demanding with a hiring freeze that has left us shorthanded and having to pick up the slack.

I know I am not alone in feeling the effects of the personal events of the past year. Some have had to cope with major illness, some have lost loved ones, and some have lost jobs. The list could go on. This past year has been difficult for many and knowing how to view it all is unclear sometimes.

Some people tend to look at their lives through a distorted lens and only see what went wrong, the bad events, the failures, the loss. It’s easy to miss the good when so much bad has happened, and understandably so. But there can be a pattern of seeing only the negative rather than the positive, to judge our lives by what is lacking rather than what we have and the potential that is present. I will admit I can be one of those. But in order to correctly assess this past year, I need to see with a lens that allows clear vision, undistorted by past sins and failures.

The only means I can use to correctly assess my life is the one God has given, the Bible. It is an accurate measuring stick by which I am able to determine whether or not my life was well lived this past year. But even beyond that, the Holy Spirit provides the insight and the comfort, because both are needed. Only God can see clearly to judge our lives rightly. How we measure up for this past year is really best left to his determination. While he may chasten, more often than not he comforts us because we are often harder on ourselves than he. His expectations are realistic.

God understands the weaknesses I have, he knows the circumstances that I have faced and challenged me this past year. He is very aware of my failures, yes, but he is equally aware of my successes and rejoices in them. I can rest in the knowledge that he will judge my days fairly and help me be ready for the coming year. Regardless of this past year’s mistakes and stumbling, regardless of what difficulties I may currently face in my life, his Spirit is daily keeping me moving ahead into another year of possibilities. Hope is found in him for the erasing of past sins and hope is found in him for the future.

A new year is coming and I know that the tradition of making resolutions is pressing, but this year I will let life unfold and allow the Spirit to do his work in me. Whether I find good in the coming year or pain, in either one God will be present and in that I can take comfort.