Death and Resurrection

As I write this, I am in flight on my way to Florida for my son’s graduation from Explosive Ordnance Disposal School. He now knows all there is to know about disarming bombs and blowing up IEDs. We don’t know much about what he does because it is top secret.  To say we are proud of him is insufficient. We have been blessed to have had him in our lives. It’s like God just dropped him into our hands and commanded us to protect, love unconditionally, and to raise him in the faith. We have done our best to do those things.

My son is so precious to me. I would lay down my life for him if it ever came to that. Mothers love their children with a passion unlike any other, at least most mothers do. Fathers love their children, too, doing all they can humanly do to protect them. God intended for families to bond with a love and strength that is a reflection of his love for his people. Like a father and a mother, he graciously and carefully protects us from the evil one. And his love is more fierce and unshakable than any human parent’s.

My son has chosen a path wrought with dangers. I pray every day he will be kept from all harm. But he is a man, not a child and my influence has waned. He must make his own decisions and it is my fervent hope that his upbringing will always be with him.

The Father of all believers took another way. Instead of being overly protective of his child, instead of being fearful, he sent his Son into the world to be a living sacrifice on behalf all sinners. ALL sinners, regardless of how far down they have sunk. The drunk in the gutter to the drunk in the penthouse. The prostitute and the philandering husband. The murderer and the drug addict. They all can be saved, because when God’s grace mingles with our faith, we gain eternal life; all because of the sacrifice on the terrible cross of his Son, Jesus Christ, the Lord.

Believing in his death and resurrection, promises the same will happen to us. Our hope is of  leaving this fallen world and resurrecting in the newness of eternity. Dying as the Lord did to this life, this world, the sting of death is removed for us, but add to that truth is the new body awaiting us; a body for eternity all because he loves us with an undying passion. His love goes way beyond the kind of often conditional love we offer as demonstrated by the soaring divorce rate, infanticide, and war between nations.

 God’s love is described in I Corinthians chapter 13. It’s our benchmark. We stumble and fail many times to love as God loves. It’s his gracious and undying love for us that makes us not thrown in the towel. Yes, it is true that some do give up, but God’s enduring faithfulness doesn't boot us out of the “program”. He pours out grace to those who have given up trying. If we are sentient and breathing, chances to grown in love abounds. He desires all his children to grow up and live as mature Christians in every facet of their lives.

Why He doesn't give up on us is due to the love we read in scripture:  “We love because he first loved us." When my son was born, I didn't think I could love so intensely. It was a deeper love than I ever had. And I shed many tears due to pain and fear, but sheer joy was mixed in to make my time with my son worth everything. For most of his life he wanted to be a soldier. His dream of getting into West Point came true. It’s like he knew he was destined for something, but it wasn't until later in college that he decided for Ordnance. A choice fraught with danger, yet there really wasn't anything I could say. I let go of my boy and now he is a man. My job now is to encourage and take pride in the man he has become. I pray desperately that his life spared, that he not be maimed in any way, emotionally or physically.

When God sent his Son, the clear understanding was he would be turned over to us to do what we would, and eventually it led to his death. When I sent my son into the military, I was not too keen to hand him over to those who could lead him to the ultimate sacrifice. God’s plan for Jesus’ death would lead to the greatest victory of all time; the destruction of sin and death. Wars in this world are often fuzzy with soldiers asking why they are being put in harm’s way. But Jesus didn't question God’s plan. Yes, he asked that if there were another way to accomplish the plan then perhaps he could bypass the cross. But there wasn't and his loyalty and love for the Father led to the ultimate sacrifice, yet his death brought life and light into the world. And while the body he had, just like ours, was dead, three days later he rose from the dead with a new body, unlike the one he was born with.

His sacrifice was the greatest ever paid. Billions upon billions are in God’s presence even now, praising his unconditional love, his matchless grace, and his stunningly secure faithfulness. Those of us now would do well to read the scripture stories of the fathers of faith, to see how their weak faith could be, their sins galore, and how disloyal they were sometimes. In doing so, you will find much of yourself there. But you will also see how they became giants of faith and how nations rose and fell based on faith, love, and hope in God’s mercy and grace.

My precious son is unlikely to change the world. He is not Jesus, but the line of work he has chosen will save lives. And maybe one of those saved will have an epiphany moment, a crisis of faith turning into the recognition that God exists, God loves and just maybe they will pray and be given answers, from the Father who seeks those who will believe when they get touched by his grace.

                                    

Sobering Thoughts

Last night I had an unpleasant dream, a drinking dream. I have had them before, but it’s been some time since I last had one. It is not uncommon for alcoholics to experience such dreams after sobering up, but I think it’s especially troublesome for those in Alcoholics Anonymous because of the accountability. On March 26, I will celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety, something completely incomprehensible when I first went to AA meetings. I couldn’t imagine going that long. On my first anniversary I thought I had done pretty well, but still, I couldn’t imagine how I would make it the rest of my life.

Drinking dreams are an expression of anxiety over stumbling back into active alcoholism. They can also signal a warning of self-sabotage. This year feels very significant. Thirty years IS a long time and the thought of drinking again and losing all the ground I have gained is fearsome. I don’t crave alcohol, but the fear of stumbling before my anniversary is palpable. In my dream, I knew I had blown it and there was no hiding it. I knew people would know.

In my sobriety I recognize how much I stand to lose if I should ever drink again. And I know it would be nearly impossible to face people who have known me over the long haul. Worst of all, I feel I would be letting everyone down, including God, whose grace has kept me from stumbling thus far. Like King David, I know from where my hope and strength comes, and I know without God in my life, I would be hopelessly drowning in drink.

The 12 steps of AA are a means of restoring a lost relationship that isn’t even recognized. God reaches out to the hopeless alcoholic and makes known the truth of the pitiable condition the drunk is in. The truth of scripture is shown in that faith and hope are gifts of grace for the alcoholic. Indeed, grace brings awareness of the need for strength and willingness to even want to try to get sober. The last few months of my active alcoholism were a nightmare. The whole of my drinking years came down to the thought that I had to find a way to stop drinking or simply end my wrecked life.

Then the miracle occurred. Awakening the morning of March 26, 1984, my first thought was, “I don’t want to live like this anymore. Today I will not drink." That thought was not my own, it was planted in me by the Holy Spirit. It was active grace at work within me. Before my eyes ever saw the light of day, God planned my rescue. I was led to AA where I found help and hope, and returned to the Christian God of my childhood. He had never let go. I just took him places he didn't want me to go, but he never let go of my hand.

I owe all to the Lord. He knew me before I was born and my life is his masterpiece, just as is true for every believer. God’s grace is not magical. It is grounded in the reality of this life and the next. For 30 years he has kept me from stumbling. His gift of sobriety has put my feet on a well-lighted and even path. As I have said on many occasions, I would not trade my worst day now for the best of the life I once knew.

For the past thirty years I have tried to live one day at a time. There have been times I have glanced backward and all I gained in doing so was shame and regret. And projecting into the unknown future only brings fear and anxiety. But this I do know, the ultimate end of my life in the present world will usher me into an eternity of freedom from the fear of failure. Jesus has guaranteed it. 

For now, I am grateful for the life God has granted me. To the extent I am able to hold his grace within me, I will continue to live sober. The wounds that have fractured me are not a hindrance to God. They are the means of sharing his grace with others. And that I will do for the allotted time I have left.

I love because he first loved me. God condescended to humanity and willingly gave his Son for our redemption. I will revel in the freedom he has made possible by breaking the chains that once bound me to a worthless existence. And I will ever praise him for my sobriety.

The Revelation of Ourselves

“They” say confession is good for the soul. “They” are speaking the truth, but for the most part, I think those who say that don’t have many skeletons haunting their closets, especially ones that some do not wish to be brought into the light. I live a lifestyle I pray conforms to that of Christ Jesus, but years ago I was dead in my sins and they weren't very nice. I have a closet full of skeletons rattling around in my heart and mind that I don’t readily reveal. The cost could be too high to bear. Rejection is one of the hardest things to endure. The pain inflicted on our hearts and minds has the power to break us and leave hopelessness in its wake.  That is why great caution should be taken when revealing past sins as well as ones of the present. Even in writing this blog entry I feel some anxiety.

I encountered the Savior when I stepped into an AA hall nearly thirty years ago. AA is not a Christian organization. In fact, the twelve steps and traditions of AA go to great length to not align the program with any particular religion. AA’s Higher Power allows everyone to come in and feel at home whatever their beliefs or un-beliefs. But the only Higher Power I could turn to was the Christian God of my childhood. I was not disappointed. When I asked Jesus to take me as I was and help me, I knew I connected with the one true God, and I was utterly shaken to the core of my being. His response was not a list of rules to follow and hoops to jump through. Instead I found freedom from the bondages that had held me captive for the better part of my life.

Confession is good for the soul. The steps of AA lead the alcoholic through the process of finding a Higher Power, cleaning up the past and making a new life for the future. The particular steps I am referring to are the ones that require us to make a list of all persons we have harmed and a true evaluation of our lives. The kicker is that you not only have to confess those things to God, but you must also confess to another person “the exact nature of our wrongs.” (AA Big Book).

I was so reluctant to share my sins with anyone that I balked for a while, but the truth is anyone who refuses to do that will eventually drink again, or for non-alcoholics, fall back into the sins they are so easily beset by. I found a sponsor who seemed like she had lived fully in the world and wasn't easily shocked. She was also a Christian. I made my list and spilled out my insides to this person with great fear and trepidation. But my fears were met with grace and acceptance. She was in short, a life saver. When I finally finished, she assured me of her acceptance and of the acceptance and forgiveness of God. She was the face of Jesus acting on his behalf to help me feel as forgiven as I was. Confession is indeed good for the soul.

There are sins from my past that I will share openly, and there are sins I do not. The revelations of those past sins are reserved for people I sense will not reject me. Yet every time I decide to risk rejection, I am terrified, because I have felt the sting of it and want to avoid it at all cost.  So why talk about things of the past that have been forgiven? Because those I tell my story to can give glory to God and perhaps find an open door for confession for them if they trust me as I have trusted them.

I do not confess to keep condemning myself and repeatedly seeking absolution for things for which I have already received forgiveness. I did a complete 180 when I turned to the Lord and was set free through confession, forgiveness and grace. My story might just be what the person needed to hear. I don’t often reveal that I have Bipolar Disorder because of the stigma attached to mental illness, but in doing so when it feels safe--an anonymous blog--or with people I know to be trustworthy, I have found many times there are questions I can answer because someone they know has a mental illness.

The confessions brought to God in repentance never result in punitive actions or rejection; they are designed to bring a greater freedom for the heart, soul and mind, and an awareness of the brokenness we all live with so our hearts will grow more tender toward one another.

There are those who reject the light of Jesus so their deeds can remain hidden in darkness. Those who have received salvation through grace bring their deeds in his light so they can be seen for what they are: chains of bondage forged by our own hands, the machinations of the Liar, and the lure of the flesh. If you are wrestling with past or present sins, find someone with whom you can share and in doing so be released to experience the love and forgiveness of God in a tangible life-changing way.

Confession is good for the soul.

Testing Our Thoughts

This past week I have had a reoccurring thought, the origin of which is a bit murky. There is risk involved in acting on it. It’s something I am taking it very seriously because if it is coming from the Holy Spirit, then I face risking much stepping out in faith or I can disobey God which carries its own consequences. I am reminded by the life of Jesus that obeying God carries a great deal of risk. Christians in the past and present have suffered much for sharing how Jesus saved them. Living by faith can prove very difficult and the Lord doesn’t promise we will come through unscathed in this life.

My dilemma is keen. Ideas that sound good may come from the father of all lies. Scripture says he masquerades as an angel of light. He salts his planted thoughts with enough truth to make it plausible that the Lord could be the author of them. That is why we are told to test the spirits and we do so by asking ourselves if it’s scriptural, does it bring glory to God and what do mature Christians and spiritual leaders think. In other words, we should only step out boldly if we are certain we have heard from God. Jesus didn’t say or do anything that the Father didn’t model for him. He spent much time in prayer seeking direction from the Father.

Then there is the danger of running ahead of God’s plan for us by stepping out on ice he didn’t tell us to test. It may seem like a good idea, but our own thoughts, however holy they may seem, can be just as dangerous as those of the Liar. When we act on thoughts without testing them, we can set ourselves back in our faith walk. I could easily point to people who have told me they’ve been called to preach and running out to start a church with no backing or plan. Many crashed and burned. God hadn’t called them to be pastors; they took a thought and ran with it when it hadn’t come from God. Or it was a premature move that caused them to step out too early before they and their path had been made ready.  

Now that I have made everyone question all their plans, the good news is that if we just follow those three precepts: is it scriptural, does it glorify God, and what do other more mature believers and leaders think, we will then be able to more clearly discern what God’s will is for us and from where the source of the thoughts originate.

I am applying those questions to the thought that is insistently pressing on me. Frankly, it scares me, but I am trying to come to a place of peace that can only come from knowing from whom this idea has come. I can either walk away or step out on the limb of faith, even if it’s with trepidation. I pray I will do the right thing. 

The Enduring Love of God

As I have walked through a long dark night of the soul, I am re-experiencing God’s love anew. His love is unlike the love of humans, even that of Christians many times. The bible says it is steadfast, that God’s ways are not our ways, his thoughts not as ours. God’s love is unrelenting, without conditions, and fiercely faithful. I recall once hearing that he was the hound of heaven, able to track our footsteps and never lose sight of our travels through this life even if they be convoluted.

The book of 1Corinthians, chapter 13 describes what perfect love looks like. I must admit, I fall short many times of the kind of love God wants us to live by. Human love is shot through with conditions and self-interest. While unbelievers have a capacity to love, their love is completely corrupt in comparison with God’s.  But even we believers often fail to love as we ought. How many times have we loved someone only to grow weary of their neediness and withdraw our love and care? And what about all the times we have convinced ourselves that those beset by sin are unworthy or untouchable? Even the promise to love our spouses faithfully through sickness and want ends in broken vows all too often. We fail to love others as the Lord loves us. I am not pointing a finger. I am well aware of my lack of perfect love.

The painful reality is that while we withhold our love from those can be difficult to love, we either deceive ourselves that we are in the right, or we condemn ourselves before God rather than asking for forgiveness and grace to love as we ought. The result of condemning ourselves is the painful feeling we have failed God and his love is being withheld from us until we meet expectations, biblical or self-imposed. Our fear leads to guilt and self –loathing, robbing us of faith in the redeeming, endless love of God.

The truth is God’s love never condemns, nor is it meted out in small doses based on our performance as Christians. His love is summed up in 1 John: he first loved us. His love compelled him to provide for our redemption when we were ignorant of needing it. His passion for us was clearly shown by the death and resurrection of the Son of God and Man, guaranteeing eternal life in the presence of perfect love. The unconditional love showered on us frees us to love him and others as he loves us. Do we always hit the mark? No, but the learning curve is no longer impossible with the presence of the Holy Spirit indwelling our hearts.

Our effort to love God’s way is a process. Opportunities abound and whether or not we succeed in each instance doesn’t lessen God’s love toward us. It calls unto us to keep pressing on and not give up and lose sight of the truth. His forgiveness and abundant grace will slowly transform us to become more Christ-like in the here and now. And when we meet him face to face, our eyes will behold what pure love looks like and ours will be purified completely so we may finally love our Redeemer and Father with the same love.

God’s love never fails and that truth should comfort us and give us peace. I am still trying and at times failing, but as I continue to be lifted out of the pit I am in, my love for God is growing. His faithfulness towards me compels me to not lose heart. Paul said he would forget past failures and press on to the high calling in Christ Jesus. May we all have the same heart.

There is Light

I know my blog entries have been downers lately, but I have to be honest. As the old saying goes, “To thine own self be true.” The reason my blog exists is to journal my journey in faith and I do not believe for one minute that other Christians have not been through similar challenges and setbacks. As much as I expect perfection in myself, I must acknowledge that perfection in this life does not exist for anyone. Christians are people who are being made into the likeness of Jesus, but the total transformation will not be complete until we see him face-to-face. That is where our hope and attention should lie and not on our failures.

Having said that, it is much easier to say than to do. It means nothing less than total surrender to the Lord of all areas of our lives; to hand over all our doubts, fears, and shortcomings, entrusting them to the keeper of our souls. I have been through one of the worst periods of my life this past year and I think I may see a tiny pinpoint of light in the far distance. The blackest tunnel I am walking through may have a positive ending after all. I hope that light signals the end of the darkness I have wandered in for a long time.

We are broken vessels of clay. Formed in perfection and beauty, Adam and Eve chose rebellion and we, their descendants have followed in their footsteps. As John wrote, if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the light is not in us. Well, I announce to the world that I am a sinner. That I am shot through with sins of commission and omission, and all my struggles to absolve myself through wasted efforts to do better on my own are in vain. Broken down and bleeding self-righteous efforts, Jesus calls to me, saying there is a balm for my many self-inflicted wounds, as well as those perpetrated on me by others throughout my life. Wounds that I am discovering I have no power to heal on my own; wounds that I just can’t ignore or forget.

What can I do? Paul wrote, “Woe is me. Who can save me from this body of shame?” He then provided the answer: Christ can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There is a longing in my heart for the life changing and saving grace that comes only from God. Life may have shattered me over the years with many evils done and done to me, but he can use me broken as I am. I will not be perfectly healed in this life, none of us will be. We are left redeemed, broken vessels in order that we may extend grace and mercy to those we encounter who may also be struggling in similar ways.

There was darkness throughout the land before Jesus died. He had to walk through his own black tunnel for the salvation that came afterward with his resurrection in light. His brokenness frightened his followers until they understood the reason for it. This is what every believer must learn: their own brokenness is not the end. There is light ahead and a journey in which we will experience growing pains, but also one in which we will encounter wounded souls we can offer healing balm to. The old hymn chorus rings in my mind, “There is a balm in Gilead, to heal the sin sick soul. There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole.” The balm we can give others is our love and humility born out of the pain we have lived through, and that gives hope that nothing lasts forever in this life. Suffering begets peace, and peace begets hope, and hope begets joy that leads to deeper faith in the one who claims us just as we are, where we are, and who we are, with no strings attached.

Paul wrote that this present suffering is nothing compared to what awaits us in the presence of the Lord of all. While I may have struggles in this life, I will, through his word, hope in his ever abundant grace. As Psalm 119 says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” And the Word and Light is Jesus Christ.

The Companion

As I am slowly working my way through things at my late mother’s home, I have recovered lost childhood memories I hadn’t thought about for decades. Old family photographs, baby shoes, a multicolored knitted scarf and hat that my mother made for me when I was about five-years-old, and a photo of me with Pretty, my beloved teddy bear, washed many times over because I wouldn’t part with it for anything. In fact, I still have Pretty, but he isn’t so pretty anymore. The pink has turned into a faded tan and one of his eyes no longer shuts right. But he went everywhere with me, a cuddly companion for a small child. And like the Velveteen Rabbit, he was loved to the point of his fur becoming sparse.

Right now, I need a companion that goes everywhere with me like Pretty did. Not a cuddly childhood toy, but someone who knows who I am and what I’ve been through in my life. I feel like a grown up orphan. I no longer have any parents to lean on and turn to for the wisdom only age can bring. A companion to come alongside me and love without measure is a position only the Lord can fill. He is not an insentient childhood friend. He is the living God and he gives wisdom, love, acceptance, and understanding beyond what any human can offer. And he cannot be loved too much. I am ashamed to say I know I do not harbor enough love for him. Yet, he never stops loving me.

Psalm 139 says, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways…You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me…Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and you right hand shall hold me fast.”

The Lord is the companion I seek, and indeed, throughout the past months, he has faithfully carried me in the darkest of times. Again, Psalm 139: “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.” My Father’s eyes missed nothing in the darkness that descended in my life, and Jesus is forever interceding on my behalf. He sends his Holy Spirit to comfort and console the brokenhearted, the downtrodden, to become strength for the weak and fearful, and a source of true joy that turns tears into praise.

In chapter 43, Isaiah writes, “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;  when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel,  your Savior…”

There is much work to be done on my mother’s estate. I am in charge of setting up an estate sale. It’s going to be extremely hard to watch strangers cart off my mother’s belongings, but furniture and other items are not the sum total of a person. Our essential being is found only in relationship with Jesus, and our love for him and for others.

We have the Comforter, the Intercessor, the Advocate to be our companion in life’s journeys. To carry us when we are faint, to bind up the broken places, and to comfort us in our sorrows. The Holy Spirit is God’s down payment on his promise to us of the gift of eternal life. We do not wander aimlessly in this life. We have a guide and companion to walk with us. No matter how weak we are, his grip is strong and we will not slip from his hands. And that is a matter of God’s limitless grace. 

Hoping in God

I found the Lee Ann Womack song “Dance” on youtube and posted it on my Facebook page. The lyrics were hard to listen to. It was as if she wrote the song just for me. I am not going to quote all the lyrics here, but as the chorus comes around she writes that “when the choice comes to sit it out or to dance, I hope you dance. I hope you dance.”

I used to be a dancer, not in a literal sense. I have two left feet and do not dance in public. But in my heart I danced like David did before the Ark of the Covenant. His sorrow turned to dancing; his pain to joy. But I haven’t danced in a long time. My legs feel rubbery and my heart broken. Relief from sorrow and pain does not seem forthcoming. Right now, I couldn’t dance even if Yosemite Sam started shooting at my feet.

Psalm 6:1-4

“Hear my cry, O God; from the end of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I; for you are my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me abide in your tent forever, find refuge under the shelter of your wings. Selah”

The whole of Psalm 42 is also a place where I felt led to read.

“As the deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God…My tears have been my food day and night…Why are you cast down O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.”

One is the plea for salvation from the bitter taste of death and brokenness. A lament to God most High. The other a lament as well, but with David grabbing at a sliver of hope. I am not able to dance and I feel no hope, but I can look into the face of God in his word for us and feel that he does indeed care, even if he appears to be far away in another galaxy.

I have lived a hard life, granted with fairly long periods of joy, but the times of sins, failures, faults, upheavals from painful consequences, and great loss of loved ones, years wasted with addictions, and loss of mental health and peace of mind. These things leave me shaken to the very core of my being.

Sometime in the future, maybe near, maybe far, “I shall again praise him, my help and my God.” One promise that is keeping me from going under completely again are the words Jesus spoke to his disciples in John 10:28-30.

“My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. What my Father has given is greater than all else, and no one can snatch it out of the Father’s hand. The Father and I are one.”

Deep in my heart, I am looking for that sliver of hope to praise him once again. He won’t leave me in this place forever. In the future I will be able to look back and be grateful for his work in my heart and mind. I’m just not there yet. But Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls.” Now it’s just a matter of when I will see him again. 

A Lament

As we teeter on the edge of a new year today, I feel fairly certain many people are looking back on 2013 and considering whether or not it was a good year. I have been. I will say it was a rough year for me. I wanted this New Year’s message to be different than the one I am going to write, but my heart hurts and I am finding it very hard to “count it all joy…” as Peter instructed the early Christians.

This year began so promising. Work was going well, the family was healthy, and I was stable. Every Sunday I looked forward to helping lead worship at church as a part of the praise team. Daily I could look at the blessings God poured out on me and lift up a grateful heart in prayer and praise. There were some bumps in the road, but they were minor.

But then I lost a friend and coworker to a fast moving rare cancer. She died within eight weeks of her diagnosis. It was a blow to me and to my work place. I really wrestled over it. She was young, and left behind a grieving husband and three children under 14 years of age. For reasons only God knows, not more than two months later, I began a slow downward spiral into deep depression.

Medication adjustments did little to help as each day my mental health deteriorated. By August, I was suicidal and with prompting, admitted myself to the hospital my psychiatrist directed me to. I was so demoralized by that point and I felt defeated, hopeless, and helpless. More medication changes, a week of intensive therapy and the start-up of ECT treatments (Electro Convulsive Therapy) and I was released feeling I was on steadier ground. The strong suicidal feelings abated and I felt like I still had a place in the world. But I was off work for thirteen weeks and it took every one of them to climb back up to where I felt I was strong enough to return.

Then my mother fell and broke her upper arm, requiring surgery. Within the month she fell again and broke her hip, requiring more surgery. At 93, it was just too much to take and she began to lose ground. She was three hours away where I could not just drive to the hospital and visit daily. Not being there was difficult.

I went to be with her for a weekend and then made arrangements to get off work and went back down for what would be her final week on earth. We moved her to my brother’s home where she could be surrounded by family and a vigil was kept around the clock. What time was left I spent telling her how much I loved her, and watched and waited with my brother and sister as she slipped first into a coma, and then into eternity. Her memorial service was four days before Christmas.

Stable, healthy, sorrowful, depressed, suicidal, heartbroken, and now it’s New Year’s Eve. The year is over and I am looking back too weary to even ask why. My only prayer is Psalm 61:1-4a.

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I; for you are my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me abide in your tent forever, find refuge under the shelter of your wings. Selah.”

I suppose this blog entry would be aptly called a lament. I have poured out my soul and complaints in the presence of God and his people. There isn’t much more to say. If anything can be pulled out of this that may be uplifting perhaps it is that God has not abandoned me and I do know that. But I feel raw, broken on the wheel and hurt too much to say more than that.

This is longer than I generally write and if anyone has read it completely, I thank you. You have given me a gift to begin the New Year: friendship, care, and a sense of not being left alone in this maze of pain. You are the face of God toward me that I can see and touch. I earnestly hope when I get back on my feet, I will be the same toward you.

A Time of Tears

There is a wonder about Christmas. The anticipation of Christmas Day causes children to hope to find that desired gift under the tree, whose lists for Santa parents hope they can afford. It’s a time for family to gather for sharing joy. For Christians, the Advent season is a time of remembering the true reason for the celebration. The Son of God, Jesus, the Eternal One, stepped into time in the incarnation. Gathering together in worship just adds to the joy of the coming of Christ, the Messiah.

But for some, the time of Advent is a time of sadness and depression. They are the ones who have suffered the death of a loved one. It’s hard to celebrate when the heart is broken, especially if the loss has come during the Christmas season. There is a pall cast over the day and instead of celebration, there is sorrow and grief. The empty place at the dinner table is a source of pain. The “Merry Christmas” greeting hurts and rings hollow.

Jesus came into the world to save sinners, but he also came to bring joy and hope that only God can bestow. Paul said believers do not grieve as the world grieves because we have the hope of resurrection and eternal life. When a Christian dies, it is merely a transition to another life in the presence of God. If we truly believe Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life, then we know the separation is only temporary. But while there is a joy in the journey, the truth is death is a part of our experience.

I lost my mother just a week ago and right now I am numb. It is the only way I will make it through the season. There will be a family gathering and we will share in a common loss. But I also know my mother would want to us to celebrate the coming of Jesus, to care for one another and share fond memories rather than gather to weep. There will be a time to grieve, but my mother is seeing the face of God and that is reason to celebrate. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, there is a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I am straddling the fence between grief and joy, trying to find a balance that honors the Lord. He understands my grief. I am neither scolded nor expected to be pain-free. I am only asked to remain faithful and trust in the promises of a loving and merciful God. Grace is not meted out in small doses; it flows abundantly from the bottomless vessel that is the heart of the Father. I do have hope of seeing both my parents again. I said goodbye to my dying mother, but knew she was only a shell of what she is now.

All I ask is to be allowed to grieve in my own way, to be prayed over and to be loved in this place. God meets us where we are. He is near us in our pain and our joy. The day will come when loved ones will say goodbye to me. I don’t want them to lose sight of what is true, that though our vessels of clay will break down, the resurrection will bring life again, a life that will never end. I will remember that when the tears fall. 

The Legacy

Two days ago, my mother quietly slipped into eternity. It wasn’t a surprise.  We knew she was nearing the end of her life on earth. More importantly, she knew she was dying and was at peace about it. She was ready to go home. She was longing to go to her life in heaven and to be with my father who preceded her in death eight years ago. 

My mother lived ninety-three years, and I had the great blessing of knowing her for fifty-eight of them. She was a kind and loving mother, who loved her three children, her nine grandchildren, and seven great grandchildren.  She treated her sons-in-law and daughter-in-law like they were her own children. Indeed, my husband called her Mom because she was so accepting.

My mother was a rock throughout her life. Strong and intelligent, she was someone to emulate. I learned much from her about how life should be lived. She was not a complainer, even during the times of recovery for multiple broken hips and an arm in her later years. She kept her sense of humor and showed our family how to live through hardships without losing faith in a gracious and merciful heavenly Father.

My mother will be richly rewarded in her new life because of the way she lived life while in her earthly vessel. She served the Lord faithfully throughout her years and loved him. She was genuinely grateful for the blessings God showered on her, and remained faithful even in the hardest of times. It is her legacy to me and the rest of my family. There is an estate left behind, but my true inheritance is the gift of faith she instilled in me. I was reared in the church and have believed in the Savior of my soul throughout my life, thanks to my mother and my father.

She honored God and trusted him for everything. And during my years of wandering, she loved me and prayed every day for God to bring me back into the fold. God answered her prayers and I returned to the faith I had been raised in.

Her very favorite scripture verse was Micah 6:8. “He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” My mother lived by that verse. Her walk of humble faith with God taught me the same. It is what I strive for.

In her last lucid moments, I read that verse to her, along with two other favorites, Psalm 23, and John 3:16. My mother knew she was going to see the Lord face to face and had no fear of death. I believed that about her, too. Some of my final words to her included asking for forgiveness for all I had done to hurt, and to tell her how much I loved her. And the most difficult thing I whispered to her was also the most loving gift I could give. I told her it was okay to let go. She said, “Thank you”, and passed away soon after.

My heart aches and my grief is in the beginning stages of a process I will have to live through. But I take solace in the truth that I will see her again someday. We will rejoice in the presence of the Lord forever, because a shared faith and that is my mother’s legacy to me. 

The Valley of Darkness

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of darkness, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me”, so King David proclaimed in Psalm 23. I understand his feelings. I, too, recently walked through the valley of darkness, and if the Lord had not been with me, I honestly think it would have all been over. I was in too much pain to maintain any semblance of desire to continue living.

It began in the summer; a gradual decline into a deep depression. First it was the Melanoma scare, then the rapid death of a coworker from a rare form of cancer. The straw that broke the camel’s back was being told I had the beginnings of Macular Degeneration. The possibility of going blind was too much to bear. I got a second opinion and received a temporary reprieve, but I am in limbo for a few more months to see if there is any progression. It runs in the family and it isn’t a stretch to think I am developing it.

My psychiatrist insisted that I needed to go to outpatient intensive therapy at a hospital she recommended. With little hope I went there and found myself owning up to being suicidal. I went three times and the group and the therapist pushed me to go inpatient. I was interviewed by a hospital psychiatrist and she thought I was truly in a dangerous place and made arrangements for me to go to the mental health ward.

For a week, they adjusted my medications hoping that my mental state would improve, but it didn’t. All is could feel is that the end was near and I simply could not take another step. Finally they suggested what my psychiatrist had talked to me about: ECT treatments. That stands for Electro Convulsive Therapy. They put you out and send electrical currents into the brain and cause it to have a seizure. It is supposed to work by causing chemicals in the brain to redistribute and be more effective in fending off depression. There is short term memory loss, but I had no hope, I was profoundly depressed, so I consented.

It only took about three sessions to begin to feel less depressed, and a glimmer of hope set in. All the while, I knew people were praying for me when I could not pray, and their prayers were heard. Ten sessions completed and two more to go and I am completely restored and am feeling like a new person and for that I praise the Lord. He stayed by my side and whispered to me that I needed to take the drastic step of going into treatment. I would have sunk further had he not held onto me. The evil one wanted me dead, but God is the giver of life and light and for the believer, that is the source of hope when darkness settles in and threatens to overwhelm.

Bipolar depression is manageable with the right medications and treatment, and I am grateful God planned for me to be born in an age where modern medicine and prayer can work together to restore what was lost: peace of mind, hope, joy, and unrelenting faith in God’s abiding presence.

Today I feel like life has begun once again. I am out of the woods and on firm ground. God is truly good to me. He grabbed me as I was standing on the brink and pulled me back to safety, and my joy is overflowing. He is leading me beside still waters and has restored my soul. Nothing in our lives is wasted in the end. We can be witnesses to God’s great love and grace no matter how low we have sunk. We have a testimony to share and others who are standing where we have trod will gain hope that what he has done for us, he will do for those who cry out to him for salvation and rescue.

I praise him for his goodness toward me. Regardless of your state of mind and soul, you can have hope and can testify with full confidence that your life and the lives of others matter very much. When you think of when you have been in the valley of darkness, remember that someone else needs to hear your story, because you are a living witness of God’s enduring love. Amen.

The Suffering of God's Own

“Just curse God and die.”  That was the advice to Job from his wife.  Not very encouraging or helpful when he was making an effort in his pain to remain faithful to the Lord. But it did not last long. Job was visited by three friends who proceeded to tell him why God had done this to him. God would rebuke them later for their distorted idea of God’s ways and character.  In reality, Satan was responsible, but God permitted him to cause Job to suffer in terrible ways.

I have often wondered why God permits suffering to come to his own children. Those who have been faithful, who love God, and have tried to live their lives as Jesus did while he walked among humankind. I suspect I am not alone in pondering this question. And like Job, some people seem to suffer more than their share in comparison to others. Some sail through life while others suffer, and sometimes terribly.

God gives clues as to why he permits suffering to his own. In I Peter 1: 3-7. To give background, in verses 1:3 Peter refers to the hope of resurrection of God’s people. In verse 4, he says this resurrection is imperishable, and being kept in heaven for, “you who are being protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation revealed in the last time.” Verse 6-7, “In this you rejoice, even if for now for a little while you have had to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith—being more precious than gold that, though perishable, is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

The underlined words speak of being protected for salvation, and suffering reveals our faith. That is not the only place in the New Testament that speaks along those lines. But it always doesn't answer the “Why me God?” question.

When Job and his three friends got through their extended discourses, of Job arguing that his righteousness should have prevented all his suffering and that God was being unfair, then a fourth comes along and tells Job straight forward that he isn’t as righteous as he thinks he is. At this point God finally speaks and never answers the question directly, he tells Job to get ready to answer some questions God had for him, and proceeded to say to Job, 40:1-2 “And the Lord said to Job: Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Anyone who argues with God must respond.”

God then launched into the questions he had for Job, which was, were you there when I created the huge and powerful beasts of the earth? Are you or any other man able to contend with them? Their power is beyond that of a man. Then Job says, 42:5-6, “I heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes see you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”

God still didn’t say why Job suffered, he just told him that he was the Almighty and no one can thwart him. We get a better glimpse of suffering now because the New Testament reveals more. But in the midst of our suffering, despite clear reasons, many still ask why me. In a way we are still told the same by God to Job.  When he repented of his complaining, accusations of God’s character, and self- deceptions of his own righteousness, God restored all he had lost and more.

The old saying count your blessings is the best advice there is for suffering. You need to be gentle and careful as how to say it. Those exact words can be received badly, but all of us who have suffered should find things in our lives for which we can call blessings. And remember that our suffering is to purify our faith in preparation for the salvation which is ours even now. God is on his throne and has your best at heart. And now we have Jesus who intercedes on our behalf, who defends when the children of God are accused. But there are simply some things we won’t understand in this temporary life on earth. But the day will come when all is made known.  In the meantime, always remember God’s goodness to you, for your faith is being tested, and not in vain.

The Pain of Depression

Stable. That's what I have been for several years. A few minor bumps in the road along the way, but medicine tweaks have put me back on track. It's been eight years since I finally went to a psychiatrist to see what was wrong with me and  was told it was Bipolar Disorder. It took five years to find the right “cocktail” of meds to get me stable, but I had no choice but to hang in there, the other option was not good. And I contemplated it with strong feelings at times.


Stable. Everything was going along smoothly until several unexpected, scary, and painful events occurred. Then suddenly the bottom dropped out from under me and I have been in a severe depression for over a month now. My psychiatrist is doing all she can. But I've already been off work for a month, unable to do my job like this. The straw that broke the camel's back was being told I had the beginning of Macular Degeneration, meaning, I was going to go blind. Another doctor isn't so sure, so now I hang in limbo. After the Melanoma scare, and the death of a close colleague at work, it was too much and I have fallen into a severe depression.


In all this I wonder where God went. I feel like Job. I want to simply say,“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”and try to cope. But I still wonder why all this has happened and all I can pray is, “Jesus save me.” I love God . That hasn't changed, but I feel like He is busy in another galaxy and I am on my own. Yet the words I have told people many times come back to me. “It will get better., you will come through this with God's grace.” “There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't always see it because tunnels sometimes have curves that block the light.” Now I fight to believe the very things I have tried to encourage others with.


I don't find God in this. Yet, He has promised to never forsake us. Scripture is in my head, but it is often drowned out by words that tell me otherwise. Words that can only be whispered in my ear by the enemy of my soul. Right now there is a war which rages within me. I can thank God that I live in an age of medical advancements that have replaced the days when people like me would be locked up in prisons, sometimes with people allowed to come in to see the crazy people and make fun of them. Yet the stigma is still firmly rooted in the minds of the majority, and shame for having a mental illness lingers in my mind.


God's grace has got to be there. His answer to Job as to why all the trouble had happened to him wasn't an explanation, it was to tell him of His power and that questioning Him was often pointless, and Job repented of doubting. I don't want platitudes. I want to hide, but God even in His seeming abandonment is still on His throne and somehow that gives me a little hope that things can't get worse.


I do believe in spite of my feelings, that my simple prayer is heard and it is sufficient. I don't know when things will turn around. I don't know when God will finally lift me up again. But down in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul I haven't lost faith. I just can't bring it to the surface where I need it the most.


At the end of each church service we say “God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.” Sometimes I can't say it, I just can't say the words out loud, because I don't understand. But where else have I to go? Psalm 139:9-10 says, .”If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me fast.”


I have the slightest glimmer of hope that the very hopelessness I feel, will be lifted and once again, I will be able to say along with my brothers and sisters that “God is good all the time.” He has to be.

God's Weight Watchers

I recently joined Weight Watchers. I just want to shed fifteen pounds, but I was getting nowhere on my own. I finally knew I needed the help of someone who had a better way, who had a plan for losing weight and so far I have lost 7 and a half pounds. It’s not as easy to take it off as it is to put it on. So I feel pretty darn good about it.

I can say not all if it was eating issues. I was put on a medication that caused me to gain ten pounds in one month. The other five came from taking up my old habit of eating junk food all the time. Well, truthfully, the ten came from the extreme hunger the medication caused and instead of eating healthy. I grabbed fast food, a lot of it. It was just easier to do it, but the consequences were not worth it.

Sometimes we do that when it comes to our spiritual lives. We try to tackle problems on our own, only to find that often we don’t get far if anywhere at all. Then after a while of trying, we may give in to whatever we were struggling with, a besetting sin, an addiction, or maybe an unchristian attitude toward others. There really is no limit to our struggles in this life. God told Paul’s begging to have a “thorn in his flesh” removed that God’s grace was sufficient for him. We face trials throughout our lives and when we try to deal with them on our own, weariness becomes the result and ultimately, we can lose hope and stumble. It is the easier way to deal with the fatigue of working out our problems.

But God waits patiently for us to turn to him for his help and his own plan for situations. Just like I need Weight Watchers to help me do something I can’t seem to do on my own, so, too, we need the Lord to come and show us the way to deal with the struggles we face. It’s so easy to forget we have the abiding presence of the Lord within us in one of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit. Jesus said he would comfort, strengthen and guide us, to reveal God’s plan. The bible says if anyone of you lacks wisdom let him ask it of God, only do it with faith.

Weight Watchers’ wisdom and plan will help me lose the weight I want to, but it won’t help me in any other way. The other struggles I have, I must rely on the Lord who will help me win by the Holy Spirit. And they are more numerous and some are more serious than I want to admit. But the comforter, advocate, strength, the source of God’s wisdom, is prepared for all that troubles us. His help, his plan is what we need to turn to, not our own power and wisdom.

We have an enemy that wants to distract us from that spiritual help. He is clever and has a plan, too. To keep you from turning to God for the grace that is sufficient for all things. Sometimes trials end, sometimes they don’t, but rely on the One to give you strength and wisdom and seek to follow his plan and not your own.

I expect to lose fifteen pounds, but I also will take my trials and tribulations to God, the One who wants me to succeed in all things. His grace is sufficient for me.

Why God?

I have questions for God. There are some things I don’t understand and I would like answers. I guess to some that sounds impertinent, to ask the Creator of all seen and unseen to explain why some things go terribly wrong and why He lets them happen when it’s within his power to stop them. Cue the platitudes: “I guess it was His will.” “They are in a better place.” “God had His reasons.” “God wanted another angel in heaven.”

There are others, but truth be known, when death comes to the young and those in the prime of life, I am left without a satisfying answer and I hate handing out platitudes to the grieving. It feels like it invalidates their pain and offers hollow words that do nothing to truly console those who may be asking the same questions. “Why God?” “Why did You do this?” “Why didn’t You heal?” “Why did You let this happen?” Honest, legitimate questions and to ask them is a natural response to tragedy.

I am steeped in faith in the goodness of God. I don’t believe He gives people cancer or other deadly diseases. So the question of why God makes people sick and die doesn’t haunt me. But that faith doesn’t come so easily to others. And the question of why He allows suffering is one that has been asked since Cain killed Abel leaving a pair of grieving parents to wrestle with it. It’s most common to point to the story of Job who lost all his children, his wealth, and his health and was left in great physical and emotional pain trying to stay faithful, but eventually began accusing God of being unjust and uncaring. Even his wife told him to just curse God and die.

Why God allows suffering is a question I wrestle with along with so many who experience loss in one form or another. It bothers me enough that I have gotten angry with God. I have suffered some very ugly painful things. It took nearly thirty years for me to finally share about one incident in a therapy group. Wherever people gather who have suffering in common, one of two things can happen. Either people will prod each other’s anger, depression or hate, or they will find a way to comfort one another. Fortunately, I was in the latter. I still don’t understand why I could be minding my own business and become the victim of a violent crime. I believed God would protect me, and it seemed He didn’t, at least at the time. But as the wisdom that comes from age has gradually deepened in me, I realize He did protect me from something even worse.

I just lost a friend and coworker to cancer. It was a fast-moving aggressive and rare cancer that claimed her life within months. I prayed, I asked my church to pray. I asked everyone I knew to pray for her, and I have no doubt her family and church were praying, too. But God didn’t heal her. God didn’t stop the spread of the disease or ease her suffering. Instead, He let her die. And it begs the question, “Why God? Why are her children bereft of their mother, her husband left without his life’s companion? Where were You?” We want an answer that makes sense. We want to know why the God of love and mercy let this happen.

Nowhere in the scripture are we promised exemption from suffering. What sets Christians apart is their worship of the suffering Messiah. One who came and dwelt among us and experienced all that we do, including excruciating pain and death. But we worship not just a suffering Messiah, but One who was raised from the dead and lives and promises the same to us. Some call it pie in the sky. I call it faith and I can do that because of how He has touched my life and so utterly changed it from what it had been before I became a friend of His.

I cannot answer the why of my friend’s death, but I can believe she now sees the face of God and Jesus who made it possible. And I can believe that one day I’ll see His face, too, and not only that, but see her, too, and maybe we’ll laugh about some of the crazy things that happened in the library. I believe she already knows why her life ended the way it did. The rest of us will have to wait to know, but God is God and He has the final say over all His creation, and that’s no platitude.

My church ends each service with the phrase, “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.” That is the only thing that keeps me going when bad things happen. Scripture says all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. We may wrestle with God for a time, but eventually our strength fails and then we discover instead of chastening us for the struggle, he picks us up and holds us, letting His love overwhelm our grief and calm the emotional storm in our souls. It may not answer, “Why” now, but it will help us carry on without bitterness, and that will bring the peace and patience to wait until we finally learn why.

The Christmas Gift

The season has officially arrived. Time to bring out the holiday decorations collected over the years, along with new ones purchased at half price after Christmas last year—the special trappings that announce the season of celebration. Trees are trimmed, candles lit, carols sung, lists made, gifts purchased and wrapped, parties planned, church plays produced, turkeys roasted, and every tradition of every family is carefully observed for the sake of memories.

It would be tempting to write a critique about the increasing secularization of our “holy days” traditions. But the deepening layers of fluff that threaten to obscure Christ are a legitimate concern I’ll save for another essay. Truthfully, the whole season with its traditions can produce a warm feeling in me, a kind of rosy glow that makes me want to stuff cash into the red pots of bell ringers, hug strangers, and maybe even “teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.” That’s a good thing—or is it?

I’ve heard many Christmas sermons over the years, but none has enlightened nor disturbed me more than the words of an unsaved woman I knew some years ago. While helping decorate an AA hall for a holiday party, she made the off-handed remark, “I just love Christmas. You know, the baby Jesus thing and all that stuff. It gives me a warm feeling.”

I had forgotten that conversation until today. At the time, I didn’t think much about her comment, except that she needed to know baby Jesus grew up and died for her. Maybe I even said that, I really don’t remember. Now I find her words unsettling in a different way. She had expressed sentimental feelings that are uncomfortably close to what I, and probably other Christians feel.

Sentimentality isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it masquerades as spirituality, it satisfies merely at a surface level, distorting love and grace by diminishing them. The deep ocean of God’s love and grace becomes a wading pool. Instead of being immersed in His great love, we slosh around, accepting shallow spirituality and risk missing the awesome waves of His passion that can only be experienced when we venture out into waters over our heads.

The memory of that comment resurfaced today in the form of a question God posed to me: Do you understand the cost of the Incarnation?

Christians are (or should be) familiar with the basic theology of the Incarnation: Christ was born of the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary. God became fully human. We recite it in our creeds, we read it in the Bible, and hear it from the pulpit. We proclaim Christ’s divinity and humanity based on the doctrine of the Incarnation. But do we really understand the price the Son of God paid when He became the Son of Man?

I must confess, this morning during my prayer time, it occurred to me I did not. As I prayed, I wondered if indeed it was even possible in this life to fully comprehend the depth of sacrifice Jesus made when He stepped out of eternity and into time.

In The Great Divorce, C. S. Lewis wrote, “… the higher a thing is, the lower it can descend—man can sympathize with a horse but a horse cannot sympathize with a rat.” I believe it was also C. S. Lewis who observed that it is barely within the capacity of humans to understand how amazing an act of condescension it would be for a man to become a lower creature. It is one to thing to have a level of consciousness that enables one to sympathize with a lesser creature, such as a rat, it is entirely another to actually become one and experience all that rats experience, having left the lofty realm of humanness and all that entails.

We can only imagine the possibility, since no man has ever emptied himself of all his natural attributes, retaining only the knowledge that he is still in essence a man, and taken the likeness and consciousness of a lower creature—to be both that lower life form and man. Even though the chasm between man and rat is incredibly broad, the analogy falls short because humans and rats still share a common bond: they are both created beings. The analogy cannot begin to express the magnitude of the condescension of the Creator in becoming the creature.

It is the mystery of the Incarnation: God becoming one of His creatures, yet still being God in essence. What Jesus left behind when He condescended to the level of a dividing cell in Mary’s womb is what I have never fully appreciated, and I say that to my sorrow, because the sacrifice of Jesus on my behalf began long before the cross.

The entire seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of John records the last time Jesus prayed with His disciples before His crucifixion. Next to the anguished prayer in Gethsemane, it is probably the most passionate prayer ever uttered, and He prayed it not only for the small band of men gathered around Him, but also for us:

“And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was… Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may also be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world (v. 5, 24).”

The inclusion of that request in His prayer reveals His desire that we understand the level from which He had descended to walk among humanity. He had willingly left the Father’s presence in a place of grandeur and glory beyond human imagining, and emptied Himself of the attributes that made Him God.

In Philippians 2:6-11, Paul attempts to describe the depth Jesus’ sacrifice through the Incarnation:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore, God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

He made Himself nothing. The All in All, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty became a creature, a lowly servant, and willingly bore the cross—our cross, our sin, our shame. The question still reverberates: do I understand the cost of the Incarnation?

I will enjoy the Christmas season. I will probably overeat, spend a little too much, and observe all the traditions, sacred and silly. But there will be a silent prayer offered continually from my heart: that I would grow beyond sentimentality and press deeper into the heart of God where emotions are transformed and become holy.

Moses prayed to see God’s glory, and God granted his request, but only gave him a glimpse. He covered Moses’ eyes with His hand as He passed telling him, “you cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me and live.” But Jesus is the face of God, and we are commanded to focus our attention on and our hope in Him. The hand of God no longer blocks our view, only our own hands cast up in fear, shame, or ignorance.

It may well be that before “the mortal is clothed with immortality,” my vision will be obscured for countless reasons. But His prayer will ultimately be answered. Until that day, like Paul, I will seek to grasp the width and length and depth and height of His love—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, the love that compelled the Incarnation—and to truly understand His incredible Christmas gift.

The Testing of Faith

Recently I had to deal with something that no one wants to face: cancer. I had a large mole on my calf for years. It was a part of my anatomy and I just accepted its presence. But over the past year it had been growing larger. Still, I didn’t think much about it. But then it began to darken in the middle and develop an irregular shape. I thought it was odd, but that was all. But when I felt a lump, something started niggling in my mind to go see a dermatologist. Still, I let it go a couple months while the thought persisted.

Finally, I thought maybe I shouldn’t ignore it and went to see a dermatologist who took one look and said he was 80-90% sure it was Melanoma. He removed it and sent it in for analysis, and yes, it was Melanoma, the number one skin cancer killer. After a tense week the pathology report came back and said it was shallow enough that it had not reached my lymph system and all that would be required was the removal of more surrounding tissue, which because I let it go so long was a lot.

When he said the word Melanoma, I had no questions for him. I was too stunned. I know how dangerous it is. I was numb. But soon the numbness wore off and two things happened. I became very anxious and very depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And I definitely didn’t want to go to work and be around people which my job is all about. I was sinking into a deep hole. The only prayer I prayed about it was, “God, I don’t want to have cancer.” It was all I could muster.

My psychiatrist increased my antidepressant and I got mental health time off work. I was also taking anti-anxiety medication. In short, I was a mess. All because of the thought of having cancer. To get straight to the point, I was not being a model Christian. Where was my faith? Looking back, I am amazed because I have been through some pretty difficult trials in my life and faith has carried me. So why would I falter now?

In his letter to the various churches, Peter said that trials are to prove the genuineness of our faith which is more precious than gold. But what kind of faith was he referring to? I believe he was referring to the faith that results in our salvation and in that sense, I never wavered. Never once did I doubt that. The faith I failed in was that of believing I would be okay. I forgot the promise that God would never leave me nor forsake me, that he is goodness personified.

The trial was not intended to deliberately trip me up, or to make me look bad or feel bad about myself. It was intended to help me see what I need to work on in order to grow deeper in faith. We all have a breaking point and I think God leads us there to help us grow and mature in faith. I praise God that things turned out as they did and that I listened to what was obviously the Holy Spirit nudging me to go to the doctor. I have every confidence that I have learned from this and with God’s help will grow from it.

When you are lead to that place, and you will be, I pray when you come out on the other side, your faith will be deeper and stronger because of it, that you will not be dismayed, but determined and find the peace that passes all understanding. 

God's Care

Outside my home I have a hanging plant. Don’t ask me what it is, because I don’t remember, but save for one week, I faithfully go out every other day and water it. It isn’t out where it can get rain and even if it were, we have been living with drought-like conditions for weeks now. It would dry up and die if I did not tend to it continually.

Recently, I discovered a nest and four bird’s eggs in it. I have been very careful to not get it wet when I water, but I have not seen the mother at any time and I am beginning to believe she has abandoned the nest and her four potential babies. They are no longer under her care and because of that will die.

Our lives are like that. Our souls and our bodies need care. In John 15, Jesus said He is the vine and His Father is the vine grower. We are the branches and that apart from Him we can do nothing, but if we abide in Him we will bear fruit. God tends to us. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us that if God cares for His creation, He cares even more for us. “Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?...Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat? Or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’…indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

We are God’s handiwork and He will never fail to care for us. Even in our darkest times, God is with us, upholding us, nurturing, comforting, and yes, sometimes correcting, but that is always done in love to produce, in the end, Christ-like qualities in us. God’s love for us compels Him to keep us from all that would separate us from Him, even to the point of death on a cross.

We will never be abandoned like that nest of eggs. In Psalm 27:10, David said, “If my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” In Hebrews 13:5b, God says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” These are sure promises in which we can hope. He will never founder in His ability to carry and sustain us. We will never be bereft of His presence in our hearts. We can take comfort in that knowing He has us in the palm of His hand where no one can snatch us away. (John 10:28).

Regardless of circumstances or emotions, God is caring for us. Every breath we take, we take because He wills it. Every mountain, every valley, in all places and at all times, God’s care is constant. Psalm 139 says that there is nowhere we can go that God cannot keep hold of us. Let that thought go with you each day and be assured you are cared for. God is watching over you, even now. 

A Different Commission

This has been a week of wonder. I would say it’s been a magical week, but there’s been nothing magical about it. It’s been a week resulting from years of labor and love. Desire and dreams. Effort and even agony at times. All culminating in one exceptional week and one very special day: The day of graduation and commissioning of 1,032 West Point Cadets. And I was there to see my son become an officer in the United States Army.

My son dreamed of becoming a fighter pilot at an early age and so we talked to him about the Air Force Academy. Even took him there to visit. My father was a career Air Force officer, so for me a military career didn’t seem a bad option for him. But as he got a little older, the fighter pilot dream faded and soon was replaced by wanting to be a soldier. The watershed event for my son’s generation was September 11, 2001. It is their Dec. 4, 1941. I saw how deeply it affected him. He was in fifth grade at the time and the school turned on the TVs so they could watch it happening as it unfolded on the news. No censorship. At the time I was upset by the school’s decision, but in hindsight, they did the right thing. My son’s love of country is amazing.

It’s not that he just wants to go shoot people. He is following two career paths. One, his degree is in international relations, to understand others and to try and be a part of bringing others to the table to talk things out. And to teach others about other cultures, primarily those of the pacific-rim.

Second, has chosen to go into Ordnance, not to just blow up things, but primarily bomb disposal, to destroy IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) that kill and maim ours and our allies’ troops daily. He will be competing for only a few slots for the school when he reports to his first assignment and it is his goal to get one. For him, it is a means of saving lives.

The teen I sent to West Point has come back to me a man, one I am so proud of. A man who is becoming who I truly believe God has created him to be. I cannot believe how blessed our family has been by the Lord. I look at our son and wonder what I did to deserve such a gift. I would be lying if I said I did not fear what the future could hold. The military life means danger. And I cannot begin to express what grief I would feel were the worst to happen. But God has led him to this point for reasons unknown to me and He has a purpose for his life. For now I will rejoice in and with him. And God will have to keep him. He is now no longer under my care. 

Making time for Prayer

It’s amazing how much I depend on the internet. I go online daily to chat with people in far flung places, to research, to pay bills, check my work email and personal email. Today, my internet provider went down and I suddenly found myself cut off from the rest of the world. It was frustrating to not be able to just sit down with my laptop and be instantly connected to the places I go and the people I love.

I am reminded of how easily communication can be disrupted in other areas of my life as well, most notably the communication between God and me. Prayer is connecting with God in a tangible way. We can be casual, earnest, angry, humble. There are many postures we can take in prayer, but we first have to pray and do so often. I am willing to spend time daily on the internet communicating with others, how willing am I to spend time communicating with God? I admit, I don’t pray as much as I should, at least not in my estimation. I pray daily, don’t get me wrong, but I am sometimes on the run and breathing out prayers as I go instead of sitting down and making sure I have time when it’s just God and me. I always have his ear, but he doesn’t always have mine.

Sometimes it’s a matter of something getting between God and me. I allow attitudes or unconfessed sins to block the way to an effective prayer life. There is a disconnect that takes place and it’s on my end not his. Unlike the unreliable internet service, God is always there with the channels open between us, but I fail to do what I need to do at my end to make sure there is no disruption. I need to check my heart for those things that would interfere with my prayer life and confess them, asking for forgiveness. God hears and answers always and I am aware of that when I keep my side of communications open.

Hopefully, my service will be up soon and I will be able to do what I need to do today. In the meantime, I think I will spend some of that time in prayer. God is waiting for me and I don’t need an internet search engine to find my way to him. He is already here. 

Loving God's Way

Of all the emotions God gifted us with, the most complex is love. For us it runs the gamut from “I love pizza” love to “I love my husband” love. It can be as shallow as loving a color or as deep and intense as a mother’s love for her children. We can feel patriotic fervor as a result of love of country and sentimental warmth for love of the holiday season. Love is complex and is expressed in a variety of ways by humans.

But how does God see love? Scripture says, “In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10). His definition of love is given to us in the very life and death of Jesus. More than words from a Webster’s dictionary, he clearly demonstrates the meaning what love is all about. There is no ambiguity or confusion when you look at Jesus’ life among us and his death on the cross. God’s love revealed to humankind in the most radical way possible.

The passage from 1 John goes on to say, “Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another.” God’s kind of love is exemplified in Jesus and that is the kind of love we are to show one another. The well-known verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a pictures love as Jesus lived it: “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

And God’s love is strong. It does not waver in the face of adversity or pain. It is a constant. It doesn’t depend on our good days or bad, whether we’ve stumbled and failed or if we are doing just fantastic. In fact, it doesn’t depend on us at all. God’s love is wholly based on his heart’s desire to love us no matter what may come. He calls us to love the same, to set our hearts to love sacrificially just as he does.

There is a song from years ago that had a chorus line, “Love is not a feeling it is an act of your will.” There is truth to that, but I would add that God’s love is a fierce love. There is nothing passionless about it. There will always be times when to do the right thing in love may not be accompanied with great emotion or at least not joyfulness, but keep following the example of Jesus and don’t be surprised if passion eventually follows actions. The Bible says Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before him (Hebrews 12:2).

I try to love God’s way, but I know I fall short too often. The good news is that the Holy Spirit resides in me and his presence produces the fruit of love. If I press onward and closer to God, if I continue to practice love in all I do, the fruit will grow. So it is for all God’s people: God’s love, for us and through us, reaching into the lives of the deserving and undeserving alike, touching lost, broken hearted, beaten down weary travelers in this life.

If we can love with God’s love, we can change lives, and not just the lives of others. We’ll find we ourselves are being transformed with every act of love. Dare to love with God’s kind of love and see what happens when you do. I promise you won’t be disappointed.