Praying God's Will

 1 John 5:14-15 NIV

¹⁴ And this is the boldness we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵ And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have obtained the requests made of him.

This is the daily verse that greeted me this morning. It was, as a spiritually mature friend pointed out, an invitation to me. It could be dangerous to my heart if I misinterpreted it. It’s so easy to take verses out of context, or not read them thoroughly.

This word from God has a caveat: what we ask must be according to his will. So how will I know his will? Looking to Jesus who lived God’s will. Spoke God’s will. Prayed God’s will. Obeyed God’s will. I believe the book of Hebrews says Jesus is the expressed image of God. If I want to know God the Father, and what he is like, I need to lock my gaze on Jesus. Jesus spoke much on many topics, but one statement stands out among the many. When asked what the work (and by extension, his will) of God was, his reply was, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he sent.” John 6:29, NIV.

In another place, Jesus indicated all the Law and the prophets were summed up in ³⁴ When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, ³⁵ and one of them, an expert in the law, asked him a question to test him. ³⁶ “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” ³⁷ He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the greatest and first commandment. ³⁹ And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:34-40 NRSV. Again, this sounds like a clear indication of God’s will for us.

I have been challenged about something I have built my life on and I am disturbed by it. A firm foundation is shaking and it shouldn’t. I have lived most of my life on the belief transformation is not only possible but required as a response to God’s grace and salvation. That Jesus didn’t just die so we might be forgiven and continue living as we did before our conversion to faith in our Savior.

I remember listening to someone who believed and taught that since we were forgiven, we could live any way we wanted. It was paid for. It was all forgiven. He included sexual activity in his teaching. I felt such a huge check in my heart and challenged him with New Testament scriptures, but his argument was if Jesus didn’t mention anything negative then it was okay. The rest was all just opinions of men. I have to agree, some parts of the epistles seem to be opinions, and in one place Paul even admits what he is writing is his opinion only, but you cannot throw out the baby with the bathwater. Much is inspired teaching we strive to live by, that’s why the letters have been read and taught in the Church since the first century. There are nuggets of genuine truth we ignore at our peril in terms of the spiritual growth and well-being God desires for us.

When I turned to Jesus for deliverance from addictions, he answered with freedom in a huge way. There was no ambiguity, no confusion, no delay. It was a life-changing event. And it was all by his power and grace. All I could do was be willing. I had no part other than that and I was set free. I have never looked back with the desire to drink or do drugs for almost forty years. And more importantly, I have never judged those who are trapped in the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction. I have nothing but compassion. The adage, “There but the grace of God go I” is something I believe with all my heart. It is an honest admission I had no power to get sober, and I still have no power to stay sober. I know deep within I am one drink away from a drunk, and that keeps me ever humble. Just one drink.

But he wasn’t finished with me. There was so much brokenness in my life. Broken mind, broken heart, broken soul, spirit, and body. To have left me that way would have shown a lack of love that is beyond comprehension. No, he took me as I was and began a total renovation. I’m not a Humpty Dumpty that is merely pieced together. I was made a new creation, though that creation shows scars left from years of brokenness. My scars are there to keep me identifiable for others who are seeking and see someone who isn’t perfect yet accepted by God. It’s an invitation to come toward a representative of the Lord who can understand brokenness and wounding and be compassionate, not judging. Presenting the character of Jesus as best as I am able to display it. 

I didn’t ask to change in the beginning. I just responded to the leading of the Holy Spirit. And, again, I had no idea where I was headed. To be totally honest, I was afraid. I knew I was powerless to change and I only knew that lifestyle after so many years. How could I walk away from all I knew? It was like Abraham being told to leave all he knew and go to an unknown land just because God told him in his obedience his descendants would be blessed. The power to walk away did not come from me. Left on my own, it wouldn’t have happened. But I became willing when God laid on my heart I needed to change. All I wanted was to please him, to return the love he was showering on me. My whole being was in tune with him and the most improbable things were made possible by his amazing grace.

I know transformation is possible and my message is to believe the One who the Father sent. He will give you wisdom. He will transform you. I am seeking wisdom and I know this current shaking will end with a deeper knowledge of God's will for me. He doesn't leave his children in the dark. He is the Light of the world.

 

The Merciful Best

 On my birthday, I received a phone call from a crying mother that her daughter was rapidly dying. She wanted to know if I'd like her to hold her phone to my unconscious dear friend's ear so I could speak to her one last time. It was a gut punch. 

My friend has been in an ICU for over 150 days, critically ill, fading, then rallying only to decline again. I'm riding a rollercoaster as I watch her struggle. With so many death-dealing conditions, lungs that are not working are being replaced by machines designed to only be used for a few weeks. Yet she's lived by them for over 100 days. She would have suffocated long before now.  

Her body is wasting away, all her muscles atrophying. If she does survive, her recovery will take a year or more and she will be left in a wheelchair living with a ventilator. 

As this journey unfolds, I find myself wrestling with what is best for her. Family and friends, including me, have pounded on the gates of heaven for a miracle. But there has been no substantial improvement. Just temporary times of consciousness and responsiveness followed by severe setbacks. How she has managed to survive this long is unfathomable. But much of it is due to her mother's endless advocacy for extreme medical intervention to prolong life. She is a nurse who knows what is available, and what could be thrown into the mix to keep her daughter alive. She's already lost two children and is desperate not to lose a third.

Still, my friend is living in a purgatory of human design. I worry she is conscious enough to be suffering but unable to communicate it due to sedatives. And I've been forced to search my own heart as to whether or not I would want to be kept alive through such measures; I would not. So, my prayers have evolved from seeking a miracle, to what is best, for what she might want if she could say. And my heart breaks for her, for her mother, and for me. 

The day after the devastating phone call, I received a text saying my friend had rallied and was conscious again and kissed her mother, along with an apology for having ruined my birthday. I assured her mother I was grateful she had given me that opportunity believing the battle was over. But rallies often come before death finally wins. My joy tempered by knowing another call may come soon and this time truly be the last.

I grieve. I grieve that a critical illness has taken a vibrant woman and reduced her to being barely alive by machines. I grieve her final moments may be awareness of the sounds of equipment, lying in a hospital bed, with bed sores and failing kidneys, gasping for oxygen. 

If it's wrong for me to want this to end, then I will have to live with that if she dies. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Yet it also seems to be the most merciful thing, the only thing I have the power to do for her as I pray for God's merciful best.

Where God is Found

 After an extended mountaintop period recently, I am back down. God was present to me in amazing ways and I was continually humbled under his mighty hand as I was led through a journey of inner examination which I shared over multiple blog entries. I don't know if anyone had the slightest interest or could even relate to my experience, but I knew I had to share because that is the purpose of this blog: a journal of my faith walk in this world.

Yet now I feel I have been left with little to say. I've been seeking God earnestly not wanting to lose his presence in such a concrete way. I find I'm walking down into a valley, not on level ground. I don't want to walk in a valley. I don't want to seek to experience the presence of God in life-altering ways only to not find him in all I see, hear, and do. After the high, I have come to a low.

There are pressures in my life that were there before, but they felt far away, not pressing in on me like they are now. I have experienced recent loss. I am facing the potential for even greater loss. I am watching situations deteriorate that I know will continue to worsen. Heartbreaking circumstances I am powerless to change or avoid. I have to walk through trials that went on the back burner while I was communing deeply with my Lord. Things that make me want to say, "Where are you, God?" Intellectually I know I was being prepared for these trials; that I was being given an intimate experience so I'd know without a doubt God is always present with me. But the mountaintops make me want to never come down. Still, the servant is not greater than the Master. Jesus had mountaintop times followed by the hard, gritty work of ministry, even death on the cross.

But our God is gracious and reminded me, he is always found if we seek him wholeheartedly. Scripture promises that repeatedly in both the Old and New Testaments. In I Kings 19, the prophet Elijah faced a similar experience. He had been used by God to deliver an important prophecy only to be chased with the threat of death. He hid in a cave where God asked him why he was there. Elijah recounted his circumstances. Then God told him to prepare, he was going to experience the presence of God as he passed by.

We all want God's presence. We all want to hear God's voice in a clear way. But we often look for him in places he simply doesn't show himself. 

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (I Kings 19:11-13)

Like Elijah, I have been expecting God to make himself known to me in all mountaintop experiences. But he is rarely found there. He is found and heard in the gentle quietness of a whisper. He showed himself in a way that required Elijah to wait and discern. 

So, too, with us. We get the occasional big reveal, but mostly we want God to always show up in big ways and we miss him because of it. When I quiet my demanding thoughts and tune my heart to listen intently and wait, his gentle whisper comes to me. I truly believe this is God's normal way of communicating with us. But the pressures of life and the ways of the world demand God to behave in the way we want. However, God chooses a way that is above our way. It's on us to bend toward him in humble silence. 

I will walk into the valley where he leads me and try to listen carefully for his whispers to me. I want to look for him where he is found.

Owing the Debt of Love

 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8 NIV.

Every day, in addition to my year-round bible reading, I'm greeted with a daily verse to start my day. Invariably, it's something that hits home. The new testament has many references to money and how to handle it. Jesus stressed what our attitude should be toward it, to remember, God is the provider and we cannot serve money and God. One will claim our hearts to the exclusion of the other. 

It's so easy to worry about where the money will come from to pay bills and put food on the table with rampant inflation. It's even more stressful when we have debt hanging over us. Some debt is incurred through no fault. I  have a large debt from foundation repair on my house that absolutely had to be done. So we have a monthly payment that is pretty sizable. It couldn't be avoided. Some debt is due to wants and not needs. For those debts, I have repented and have prayed for merciful provision with the promise to be a better steward of what God gives. 

I felt overwhelmed by all of it and for a short time stopped tithing, but things weren't getting any better. I couldn't get any headway in getting out of debt. But then I was reminded of the scripture that says to bring the whole tithe into the storehouse and test God by it and see how he will provide. So, once again I began giving ten percent of all my income. On paper, it didn't look like such a good idea. But God said to do it and expect him to be faithful. 

Along with tithing, I determine to cut expenses to all that was needed and to forgo a lot of wants. Slowly, but surely I am almost out of credit card debt. Then that money will be turned to retiring the foundation repair with some extra to save. I don't know how it happened, but now I have extra to give to those in need. It's God's money, not mine. As soon as I came to understand that, things began to change. Yes, I don't have a set monthly clothing budget, nor do I eat out much. I would love to get a new couch, but those are not necessities. They are wants that can wait until I don't have to go into debt to get them. 

But that isn't the whole verse. If I do not love others freely, and focus solely on my financial needs, I am missing the whole point. My true debt is to love the people God puts in my life. And that includes helping them as I am able. Most of all, it fulfills the law like Jesus did with his sacrificial love. I believe we have to pay our debts and that may require extra effort to do so. But tithing during that time will show our abiding faith in God's provision for us. Jesus said God knows we need clothing, food, and shelter, but to seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added. But, I'm not going to deny how hard that is when you're staring at a stack of bills and it seems insurmountable. 

Yet God's promises are true. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse. Whether it be to your church or divided up among different ministries that help others who suffer from want. That scripture is the only place in the bible where we are told to test God. I don't know what other unexpected expenses are going to be incurred by me through no fault, but as long as I give to the kingdom work and love others with the love of God, I believe he will provide.

This isn't the prosperity gospel, which is heresy. It is obeying and believing God doesn't lie. 

God willing, I will continue to obey in the future when finances get rocky again because they will. And I do not expect to get wealthy. No matter that I tithe, my fixed income will never make that possible. But I can find purpose and growing faith in believing I am just a steward of what is essentially God's money. 

Maybe ten percent is too hard a reach for now. This entry is NOT intended to shame or induce guilt or place pressure. God doesn't do that. Start where you are and give two percent, or five percent, and work your way toward ten. Giving will be rewarded. And pray for peace in the face of a mountain of debt. God understands and will comfort you as he gives you wisdom on how to get out from under it. 

God wants you to be free from the pressures the world experiences. Test him and see. Most of all always be in debt to love. Time, which includes intersession in prayer for others, and talent given in love is a sweet fragrance to God and will not be overlooked by him. 

Bending With God

 Many of you know I have suffered from chronic insomnia for years, but there have been times when it's been extraordinarily difficult. About eight years ago it got so bad that I was hospitalized for a week while they tried to figure out a solution. A new drug helped but caused severe weight gain. I've been on a mix of various drugs since. They all eventually stop working, so I've had to rotate medications. And down through the years, I've wrestled with God over this and so have loved ones on my behalf.

Recently, it's gotten quite bad again. Nothing has worked. I have been sleep deprived for several weeks which was the limit before I began hallucinating from no sleep. I have no idea how I am still functioning, but I am. Sometimes I feel so exhausted and my thinking becomes muddled yet I'm still going. 

There is a difference this time, though. I have found I'm not as ardently fighting with God over it and maybe it's because I've been meeting with him in the nights. The sleeplessness isn't just my tossing and turning, it's been reading scripture and hearing God talk to me through it. It's been journaling and writing my prayers to him. And it's been with gratitude that I've not been left alone in the dark with only my depressed and desperate thoughts. 

God has not engineered this chronic malady, but he has been using it, and for once so have I. As I read through the entire bible for the umpteenth time, I see the deprivations of some of God's people down through the ages and their responses. I see myself in them. They struggled mightily with God over their challenges, wondering where he was and why their trials were happening to them. 

But a curious thing occurred with some of them. Those who were flexible enough to bend toward God did. Their circumstances didn't necessarily change, but their hearts did and they found radical acceptance through their trials. A radical acceptance in which they acknowledged their lives were not as they might desire but it was okay. In that, they found peace. No longer fighting God, but leaning into him.

In my bipolar disorder, I've had to reach a place of radical acceptance. Unless God decides to miraculously cure me all of a sudden, I'm going to suffer a variety of symptoms for the rest of my life. I don't fight him over it and there is peace in that. I've stopped demanding answers. 

Do I wish my life were not like this? That I slept nightly and didn't have bipolar rear its ugly head periodically? Yes and no. Yes, because I would like to be like the "normal" people I know, as well as not have to take medications. No, because these conditions have driven me to my knees to seek God for his grace and strength. God knows me intimately and I cannot help but wonder if I wouldn't depend on him as much if I were any other way. It's like praying for patience and then being hit with demanding people and situations in which patience can be learned--or not. It all depends on how much you can bend. I do not wish this on anyone, but if you are wrestling with God, it may be time to learn to bend. 

I'm finding deeper intimacy. Deeper love. Deeper surrender. Deeper dependence. And oddly enough, deeper joy. I'll be grateful for sleep if it comes and a new medication I'm going to try may help. But regardless, I will rest in God's grace to assure me all is well between him and me. And I am bending. I am leaning on the everlasting arms of God.

Deepest Darkness, Highest Joy

 

It isn’t unusual for me to become emotional during Holy Week as I ponder the price paid for sin. I can look back over my life and see there are things to be sorry for. I do not do that often or I can be overwhelmed by memories of things I wish I had never experienced, choices made that I regret but am powerless to change. We are not given a redo, but we are given the opportunity to live righteously in the present.

 

In the book of Lamentations, the prophet Jeremiah says God’s steadfast love never ceases and his mercies are new every morning. In that, I find hope. Hope that I am never alone no matter my state of mind. He is present with me in triumphs and in failures, whether I stumble or succeed. Each day I can rise fresh in the knowledge he is near and will extend the grace needed to live a life worthy of the blood shed for me.

 

My prayer today is summed up in the words from an old hymn: “oh let me never, never outlive my love for thee.” The love of God that compelled Jesus to come in the flesh to walk among us as he journeyed to the cross causes me to bow down and worship. I pray that I will never take for granted the price paid for my salvation, and never outlive my love for my Maker and Savior. It is his passion for me that has brought me to this place in my life, and his grace leads me to my destiny: to become like Jesus and to live forever in his presence.

 

When the day arrives to celebrate the resurrection, I will look back to the empty cross of suffering and allow it to inform my joy at the sight of the empty tomb of life. The two are inseparable and will stand throughout eternity as the ultimate symbols of God’s love for those he created for himself. Because of the cross, I am no longer judged for my sins and failures. The demands of the broken Law were nailed to it and death no longer reigns.

 

That is why it is called Good Friday.

 

The Promise of a New Covenant

 Jeremiah 31:31-34--A Meditation

 

“The days are coming,” declares the Lord, “when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel…This is the covenant I will make…I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people…For I will forgive their wickedness and I will remember their sins no more.”

The people of Israel broke the covenant given through Moses; the covenant established through the Law. The repeated cycle of sin, repentance, and daily sacrifices was clear evidence of the inability of the Law to change hearts and minds. In Isaiah, God said the people worshipped with their lips, but their hearts were far from him.  A new and better covenant was needed.

This new covenant is for all humankind: Grace and faith gifted to our hearts and minds through the sinless life, death, and resurrection of Christ. No more need for repeated sacrifices for transgressions. Sin was dealt with once for all eternity, nailed to the cross. Christ the Law Keeper became sin to free us from the law of sin and death, establishing righteousness in our hearts and minds by grace through faith.

As we draw ever closer to the Holy Week, we will find hope by meditating on the promise made and kept thousands of years ago. From Jeremiah to Jesus, from the cross to resurrection, we have full assurance of salvation and life everlasting. Let our hearts ever be humble before the cross.

 Oh Lord, how amazing is your covenant with us. Where we failed you succeeded. Help us to approach your throne of grace where we have full acceptance through the mediation of Christ. We give thanks to you for remembering our sins no more because you nailed them to the cross and left them there. With awed and grateful hearts, we pray. Amen.

 

All Dogs Go to Heaven

This evening I have to put my beloved dog, Zed, to sleep. He is in great pain and we had to make that very difficult decision. Extensive surgery may have helped, but he also very recently became lame in a back leg from severe arthritis and is hobbling painfully on three legs, groaning. A greatly enlarged nonfunctioning kidney plus the ureter would have to be surgically removed, as well as a possible malignant ear issue also requiring surgery that we just can't put him through.  

We brought him home from the vet for his last night with us and kept giving him medication to help ease his pain so we could prepare our hearts to say a final goodbye. But how difficult it is to once again outlive a dearly loved pet. I know this will happen, yet I continually bring dogs home and fall in love with them only to once again face another heartbreak.

I still cry over all my dogs if I allow my mind to dwell on them too long. Fond memories eventually end with the final memory of having to bravely say, "Good boy. I love you. You are such a good dog" while fighting raging emotions so your pet's final moments are not picking up on your feelings. That is the most difficult part. I've only had one dog die peacefully in their sleep. All the rest have had to be put down for merciful reasons. 

Zed was an SPCA dog adoption. All my pets have been adopted or just found wandering with no one stepping forward to claim them after seeking the owner. When we finally decided to get another dog after the last one, I got online and began looking at local shelter listings. I read about one that sounded like a possibility and we went to meet him. He came out growling at people, including us. Nope, not a good fit. But they suggested we go through the kennel to see if there was another dog we might want, so we strolled through.

It seemed every dog was hyper, jumping up and down and barking. We saw some that were really cute, but too high energy. As we kept looking we came to one who was just sitting there, looking up at us. He was a large hound mix. We paused then kept moving. A few feet on we turned around and went back. It was the face, the big brown sad eyes that reeled us in. They took him out of the kennel and he perked up but didn't jump and bark. He was just wagging his tail furiously and licking our hands like he knew he was coming home with us. 

I noticed immediately he was a shedder and we had recently lost a German Shepherd mix that shed terribly. I said no more shedding dogs. But it was love at first sight. I just resigned myself to the fact we'd have hair everywhere. We've only had his companionship for eight years. I want more time, but I'm not going to get it. So again, my tears are falling pretty much nonstop, except when I reach out to pet him. 

Scripture says creation was subjected to decay after the fall of Adam and Eve, but only so it will inherit eternity with us. It is groaning in labor along with us, awaiting Christ's return. I remind myself dogs were intended to live with us never to die, but disobedience brought death into the world. So I know this cycle of life and death is going to continue until Christ puts death under his feet.

I like to think all my dogs will be there to greet me when I die. I don't know that I can support it with scripture, but it comforts me to think so. I cannot help but believe God cares very much about the animals we love, if only because we love them. All my dogs have loved me unconditionally and that teaches me about God's unconditional love. Maybe that is why they are so special to humans, why we bond so deeply with them and they with us. 

You're a good dog, Zed. Good boy. I love you.

How Great the Love of God

In my last entry, I shared a brief outline of the process of a far-reaching soul search before my Savior. It started when I began a written account of my life, a memoir if you will, that I felt was at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I had an inking at the beginning that it would unleash an emotional and spiritual upheaval, and it did. 

As I have looked back at the trajectory of my life's journey, things surfaced that had been relegated to the deep recesses of my heart and mind long ago. So many ways I had rebelled, all the time I dwelt in darkness, and so many ways I had suffered and stumbled through life without God. It has been truly painful.

Not only was I grieving over misspent years, but I was also faced with forgiving many who had harmed me greatly over the span of my life; those to whom it was exposed I needed to forgive. Some had caused me to stumble terribly in the ensuing years after their sins against me. I'm not going to recount what happened to me. It's too intensely personal. But this exploration of my life and all that has transpired has caused me to daily seek God with an intense hunger and thirst which I have not experienced in a long time as I pour out my heart to the Lord like David did on numerous occasions. 

What I have rediscovered is just how great the grace of God is that has been bestowed on me. I knew it, but not to the extent have I experienced it since coming to Jesus. And I have rediscovered how deep and how high, and the breadth and length of his love for me. And how truly amazing the love of Christ is for bearing my sins on the cross; his willingness to die for me. 

I cannot use the title of "the chief of sinners" because Paul already claimed it. But I will say I feel I am a runner-up, which makes all the greater the forgiveness of God has given to me. I have humbled myself before him and he has lifted me up as I seek him earnestly and deeply.

I feel like this work he is doing for me is leading to peace that passes all understanding as the process continues. I am a work in progress and God doesn't do things halfway. As I have looked back and see Jesus standing between my past and my present, its power over me is weakening. When I fix my eyes on him and see my reflection, I don't see a broken sinner, I see someone who is becoming more and more like him. And that is wholly by his work and his grace. 

There is an old praise song, Lord I want to be like Jesus in my heart, in my heart. Lord, I want to be like Jesus in my heart. That is my heart's song. That is my fervent prayer. And it's one he is answering. 

First Love

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fatted calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"

 Luke 15:11-24, the parable of the lost son is probably the greatest parable of all the ones Jesus told. At least it is in my estimation. If all who claim the title of Christian searched their souls and contemplated their past before embracing Jesus for the first time or from a backslidden state, they would be deeply humbled again at what the Lord has done for them. I have had a time of looking back and as a result, have relived much pain. The tears have fallen and I have struggled in anguish of soul. 

I'm not saying we should do this exercise routinely, because we are forgiven. But God calls us to love him fervently with all our hearts, souls, mind, and strength. In Revelation 2 he praised the church at Ephesus except in one area: They had lost their first love. As I read those passages in Revelation, I felt the pricking of my heart that my first love has waned. 

Yes, I still love the Lord, but I have lost the wildly passionate love I had after I was freed from the bondage of sin. So God has had me revisit my past. And the turmoil has been deep. I do not believe this process I am going through will be in vain. Like the lost son, God runs to embrace me afresh. My first love will return, and soon, by the amazing grace of God.

So I pray:

What can I possibly say to you, Lord, except, I love you. You waited for me and when the time was ready and I was starving and near death from my sinful and wasted life, you came running to me and did what the father did in the parable of the lost son. How can I possibly thank you enough? Only by giving you my heart, loving you with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength.

You rescued me. I was not worthy. I’m still not worthy, yet by your death on the cross and resurrection you have made me worthy. Not because of anything I could have possibly done to earn it, but because of your great, immense, boundless love shown in the overflowing grace you’ve given me. Lord, have mercy and grant that my first love would be rekindled.

I was trapped in a miry pit. You sought me and saved me from it. All I did was ask you to take me and without hesitation, you took me back. This parable applies to all who have come to you from afar and by your mercy have come to realize how badly they need you. You do not slam the door in their faces. You do not berate. You do not make them lesser to have only the minimum. You exuberantly shower them with the best to make them as you intended them to be, like Christ.

Oh Lord God of all creation, you are merciful and mighty. Blessed be your Name for all eternity, for you alone are worthy of all honor, glory, and power. I will worship you throughout time and forever. Amen.

God's Presence

 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:17-18 NIV

All of Psalm 34 is a source of great comfort. David wrote it after he feigned madness before Abimelek who believed it and sent him away to freedom. David wrote praises to the Lord, but in the midst, he included verses 17-18. They mirror the verses from Isaiah that say a dimly burning wick he will not extinguish, nor break a bruised reed. 

I can think of many times my heart has been broken and the fire within me become just a tiny flame. Yet our merciful God does not cast me aside. How many times has your heart been broken? When has your flaming fervor been tamped down by circumstances that weary? Take heart, when those times happen, God does not abandon you. He doesn't get frustrated with you, nor angry. He has felt that way himself, through Jesus who spent years in the likeness of a human. And scripture says he is the perfect priest to intercede for us because he knows our frailties intimately. 

When I have (and still can in the future) felt like I'm wandering in the wilderness, God reminds me Jesus did as well. I'm also reminded he was sorely tempted afterward. Have you ever been tempted during times of weakness? Tempted to think God is nowhere near you? Jesus won his trial by simply speaking the written word of God. I'm guessing here, but he might not have had a deep feeling of God during that time. He may have had to draw upon his knowledge of Hebrew scripture. It says afterward the angels came and ministered to him.

Maybe Jesus didn't feel God at that moment, but he didn't doubt his Father was there. He believed the word in his mind and with that, his heart took hope that God's word will not fail. It will never fail. 

If you are in the wilderness, if you are being tempted, remember God is truly near whether or not you feel his presence. The promise he will not abandon you is utterly true. Hold onto that and soon your Savior will make himself present to you once again. 

Little by Little

Deuteronomy 6:22-23

 The Lord your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you. But the Lord, your God will deliver them over to you, throwing them into great confusion until they are destroyed. 

The setting of these two verses in Deuteronomy is at the point where the Israelites are poised to enter the promised land. Moses is giving them the final instructions he received from the Lord. He reminds them of the Ten Commandments and recounts the true story of the deliverance God engineered to free them from Egyptian slavery. They needed the reminder because these were the children of the adults who were not allowed to enter because of their great disobedience. 

The Israelites who died out in the wilderness wandering didn't believe God would fight for them to gain the promised land. They continually disregarded God's miraculous overthrowing of the Egyptians which set them free from bondage. They simply would not believe what God had promised he would do for them and as a result, they would not be able to enter.

This morning as I read the two chapters surrounding this passage, I sensed God telling me how these verses apply to us thousands of years later. I saw how it applied to me, but it's for all believers. 

I believe most people who are born again experience an awakening in their minds and hearts. There is a dynamic shift in outlook and gained faith in their salvation by God's grace. In other words, there is usually a response of both great joy and peace when we accept Christ into our hearts. It is palpable. Not everyone does. Some come to a gradual recognition they are saved, but they know with certainty salvation is theirs. 

I know my moment of accepting Jesus as my Savior was an amazing event that brought not only relief but freedom from bondages that had ruled over me. I cried as I felt the chains fall away from me. Yet, no one is immediately made perfect. We are given salvation that is as certain as God's word is. We are given the Holy Spirit to transform us into Christlikeness. But who among us can claim total victory over all the flesh? Who among us can claim to have never sinned again? I can't. I John says if we say we have no sin, we make God out to be a liar. I don't know about you, but I'm not calling God a liar. Yet scripture also promises if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive them throughout our days on earth, because we will never be completely perfect until we see Jesus face-to-face. 

So how does Deuteronomy apply? I fall into the trap of feeling shame every time I miss the mark. I feel I've let the Lord down; that I shouldn't ever stumble. Then I get anxious in prayer, doubting whether God is transforming me, or he's simply not doing it fast enough. I want the broken places fixed now. Today. In others words, I want to be victorious all the time. But even the heroes of hall of faith fame were not perfect. Not in their lives on earth.

God said he would give victory little by little. My besetting sins, my wrongful attitudes, my lack of giving his love toward the difficult people I encounter, and if I am totally honest, my frustration with God over his timetable, are not going to be changed overnight. The mountaintop salvation experience leads to a long journey of gradual transformation. We simply are not going to be totally Christlike the moment we are saved. That would render us independent from God for the rest of our lives, just like Adam and Eve tried with disastrous results.

In my current unfinished broken condition, I need God. Just like the old hymn, I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee. God created us to be dependent on him. And I believe that will be the case throughout eternity. He never wants us to be independent of him. That is a lesson that takes a lifetime to learn. 

Little by little, we will gain victories. Little by little, we will recognize and overcome the traps our enemy lays for us. Little by little, we will become like Jesus. 

Zechariah 4:10 says do not to despise small beginnings. God reveals only what we need to know on a need-to-know basis. Do not be anxious about your imperfections. God is not through with you. The Word promises when Jesus returns, we shall see him as he is, and we will be like him. God's promise. So hold onto his grace and do not forget what he has already done for you, for little by little you will be ready to face him. 

They'll Know We Are Christians by Our Love

If I speak in the tongues of humans and of angels but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions and if I hand over my body so I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable; it keeps no records of wrongs; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13:1-8a NRSV)

For the past week, the daily scripture verse from my Gateway Bible app has focused on love. I can't help but wonder if it was a lead-up to Valentine's Day. A daily reminder of what true love is reminds me sentimental affection, as well as infatuation, is not the love Paul wrote about in 1 Corinthians. We cast that word around flippantly. We apply it to objects, food, music, as well as people. Somehow it doesn't feel right.

During the prior seven days as my bible app meted out daily portions of that passage from scripture, I found myself convicted of how often my love is superficial. I think I love like Christ, but when pressures mount, my heart can sometimes become irritable, unkind, find things unbearable, and lose hope. I read each daily verse over and over until tears formed as I perceived my clanging cymbal life. I had felt fairly grounded in what God-love is and believed I walked in it, but I've seen once again, there is to be continual growth in us. We will not reach the pinnacle of perfect love until we see Jesus face to face. Once we feel we've made it, God has to open our eyes to our poverty, and our shortcomings, which we have to be willing to see and desire to change continually. He doesn't do it punitively, but in mercy, so we will repent of coasting and cry out to grow more in Christlike love.

Today's verse tore at my heart. But then when I felt so far from its mark, God gently reminded me how far I have come walking hand-in-hand with him because of his boundless love, the love he wants to flow through me: In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice our sins. (1 John 4:10 NRSV) We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19 NRSV) Oh, glorious truth! What hope that should bring.

Where we lack love, God is ready to pour his love into us and through us. 1 Corinthians love is possible through our humble confession of how we fall short of sharing God's love when it's just plain hard. It's easy to love the lovable, our dear families and friends. It's easy to love the masses we don't really rub elbows with. But when we readily confess our lack, God will lead us to a place where we have the opportunity to love the difficult, the modern-day lepers we want to cross the street to avoid. Stay on the same side of the street and let God lead you into a deeper love for all people. 

Jesus told the twelve the world would know they were followers if they loved one another, and he meant 1 Corinthians 13 love. Laying down your life love. And just as they were to first evangelize in Jerusalem and then move outward to the world, our command to love begins with the people closest in proximity to us, some of whom may be challenging. Then we move outward as we grow in greater love.

There is a song made popular during the Jesus Movement of the '60s and '70s, They'll Know We Are Christians by Our Love. I've had to ask myself just how clear it is that I am a Christian by my love. My words are worthless without love; love freely given without expecting it to be reciprocated. 

I must admit, I sometimes fall short. If others do soul searching they may discover they also sound like a clashing cymbal at times. God's love will lift you and me over and over until we fully love like him: wildly, absolutely, and without condition. 

Slowly, but Faithfully

My regular readers know much of my history: Alcoholism, drug abuse, and mental illness to name a few things I have written about. I may have also written about my struggle with PTSD from a home invasion in which I was beaten, robbed, and threatened with a knife. Some circumstances were before I wholly embraced Jesus, some after. 

My history includes things that added to what I've named left me a broken person. Some of the brokenness was self-inflicted, some resulted from what others have done to me, and some to which no fault can be assigned. While sins were committed against me by unbelievers before my life changed radically, some have been at the hands of Christians who have been quick to judge me by my past. I have been open about much of my history, but more often than not I stay silent because of the rejection I have experienced in the Church, wounding an already wounded person. 

Like Humpty Dumpty, people can be shattered by self-committed sins, sins of others, and the circumstances life sometimes deals us. And like him, we cannot be put back together again by human effort. I can't heal myself. I nor others are able to reassemble the person I was before my life went south. But there is hope for what seems to be a hopeless condition; the words Jesus spoke to his disciples that I use as a signature tag in my emails: With God, all things are possible.

What is impossible for us, is not beyond God's healing power. But it's a lifelong process, often with two steps forward and one step back, at least that's how it's been for me. I so want to say I am utterly healed and whole, but I'm not. Yet, the Holy Spirit is active within my heart, mind, and soul working the healing process. Like Paul, I've pleaded with him in the past to remove the constant pricking of thorns, but he hasn't. Why does God not heal us right away? Gradually I have come to understand the answer to that question. God's plan for me, and other broken people, is complete dependence on him throughout our lives in this world. 

I believe it was the author Henri Nouwen who wrote God's grace, mercy, and light leak through the fissures of our brokenness, drawing other broken people to him. Honestly, I would be a poorer person was I completely whole right now. I would likely be a Christian who shows little mercy toward frail people who are seeking sanctuary in Christ. 

God knows me better than I or others know me. He knows without utter dependence I would shrivel on the vine by striking out in my own strength and wisdom, causing more brokenness. Knowing that makes me cling to my Savior. It's what he wants for all broken people. And frankly, if everyone asked, God would gladly reveal their brokenness. I am not alone. My experiences may be different, but all have sinned and all have been sinned against and are broken. What an opportunity God gives us to channel his abundant grace to the hurting people he brings to us, and he will bring them. And if we allow, he will also bring people into our lives whose presence he uses to show his loving acceptance of who we were and where we are now in the healing process.  

Slowly, but faithfully he heals while his mercy and grace flow through our broken places showing there is indeed hope for all. 

Though Trials May Come

I am reposting my third blog entry from 2008, the year I began Everything is Not Relative. I have been reading my blog entries from many years ago to see if I've progressed, not as a writer, but in becoming more Christlike.  I can honestly say with humility, that God has been growing me. I still have many issues to work on and fall short far too often, but I am a work in progress. I sincerely hope my readers have been able to take away something beneficial from this blog. The whole point of it is to chronicle my journey with the Lord. As Michael Card, a Christian singer/songwriter from the 70s and 80s sang: 

There is a joy in the journey, there's a life we can love on the way. There is a wonder and wildness to life and freedom for those who obey.  I hope the following entry blesses you: 

 There are days when nothing goes right. I stub my toe getting out of bed, the toast burns, I'm late for work and customers are royal pains. These are the days that try me and I admit I don't always live up to the title Christian. It's like I'm watching myself in slow-motion and see I am about to stumble and fall, yet am powerless to stop it all from happening. Or am I?

A while back I watched the movie "Evan Almighty." It's a cute feel-good movie about a modern day Noah. Tucked in among all the silliness was a nugget of truth. In one scene, God (Morgan Freeman) is talking to the wife of Noah and listens as she pours out her frustrations and fears. In response, he tells her that when we pray for courage God doesn't just give us courage, rather he gives us the opportunity to be courageous. When we ask for patience, the chance comes to demonstrate patience. That scene made me cry because he spoke it so kindly and I realized how true the words were. We cannot live by the strength of the Holy Spirit or demonstrate his nature without trials.

Days like today were tailor-made for the Holy Spirit to reveal himself to the world through me. It is when demands increase and stress abounds that we have opportunity to let him show his character through all of us. Do I get it right every time? No, I don't. But eventually, I do. He keeps giving me chances to grow. James 1:2-4 says, "My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing."

Some trials are life-and-death issues, like a cancer diagnosis, a lost job, or the death of a loved one, and others are simply everyday stresses that have worn us down. But the words of James apply equally in all trials. While we are in the world, God grants opportunities for us to learn to be like Jesus every day of our lives through the power of the Holy Spirit. He also grants us the companionship and fellowship of other believers who walk with us through the trials that come our way.

Regardless of how our days/lives are going, God has promised to uphold us and extend his grace so we may bear the burdens and show ourselves children of our Father. We are not alone. Praise God for his great mercy and wisdom! May you know the love, grace, and peace of God that surpasses all understanding in all your trials today.

He Has Shown You

 With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of olive oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:6-8 NIV)

As I read that scripture this morning during prayer time, I remembered verse eight as being my mother's favorite bible verse. She told me that on several occasions. When she passed away, I was tasked with connecting with her pastor about the service message and music. He ended up preaching Psalm 23. Don't get me wrong, I love that Psalm for its comfort. But to have preached on Micah would have been greatly more challenging. And it would have been much more comforting to me if the challenge would have been accepted. My mother did her level best to walk by that verse. 

This passage of scripture challenges us because it clearly states what God expects of us, and frankly, we sometimes sidestep it as Christians. Not always, but enough that we need to look deep into our hearts and see why we will offer other things to God. 

Micah asked what he should bring to atone for his transgressions. He asked a reasonable question. Under the old covenant, precise sacrifices were commanded for multiple reasons. Among the acceptable sacrifices were calves, rams, and olive oil. The firstborn male to open the womb was dedicated to the Lord. But in the book of Hebrews, the author writes that after the sacrifice of Jesus, we are no longer to approach God with the sin and guilt offerings of the old covenant for covering sin. Jesus made the ultimate and final sacrifice for sin. We can boldly approach the throne of grace by his blood. 

But for reasons I have yet to fully fathom, perhaps pride, we often approach God with the sacrifice of our works. Perhaps because of the words, "Faith without works is dead." But it's a very fine line between human faith works and Holy Spirit faith works. We do things because Christians ought to do them, true enough. We are well-intentioned. But it's so easy to do things God does not intend us to be doing. We ask for his blessings on our plans and follow through with them. Many preach that approach will lead to failure, but not always. Sometimes we succeed as we draw upon our own talents, grit, and prior experiences. We then decide we have done God's will. God is not going to be angry at us for doing that, but we cut ourselves off from the refreshing wind of the Holy Spirit we would experience as we go about doing exactly what God does intend for us as individuals and as churches. Instead, we grow weary of doing good, burned out, and even frustrated, which grieves the Lord for us. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen into that trap.

Micah's aha moment was from the Holy Spirit. He heard what God expects from us as our sacrifice:

 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (verse 8)

We cannot walk humbly with our God when we bring our own sacrifices. Jesus' sacrifice is ours. God expects us, in return, to work for justice for the poor, the widows, and the orphans. God is merciful and we are to be the same toward everyone we encounter, even the unlovable, the cruel, and the immoral whose sins may repulse you. Jesus is calling them to his mercy. Can we do any less?

The sacrifice we make to God is to walk as Jesus did during his life and ministry on earth. And he acted justly, he loved mercy and he walked humbly with his Father. He came bearing his sinless blood to the heavenly tabernacle and offered it there where it was accepted for all humanity, for all time. 

I admit I was initially challenged by this passage because of my mother. It intrigued me. But that is not enough. I need to embrace the challenge to the point I seek God earnestly for power to live it every day.

 He has shown you, O Susan, what is good...

The Summons to Love

This morning I have been listening to the worship song, The Summons, and have been deeply moved by it. If you've never heard it, or if it's been a while since you listened to it, please go to YouTube and pull it up: https://youtu.be/GiXnbOORTAU  The challenge it presents to our faith lived out daily is real and God-spoken. 

I have fallen so short of God's best recently. Like the parable of the scattered seed falling among the thorns and thistles, the things that have claimed my attention have choked the flow of the Holy Spirit through me. This is a hard thing to admit on this page for all to see. I don't want to own up to it, but I determined when I began this blog years ago that I would chronicle my faith journey honestly. I've been humbled many times by what I've read in scripture and heard from the lips of more mature Christians. 

The recognition of missing the mark first elicited grief, then a degree of shame followed. Shame is a heavy burden to bear, but it's easy to fall into its grasp; at least it is for me. Again, an honest admission of weakness. But a verse from the song reminded me God isn't into shaming his children:

Will you love the 'you' you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

Scripture says to love others as we love ourselves. For many, including me, that can be difficult to do in light of our sins and failures. But how can we love others with the same wild abandon God does if we do not embrace his grace, mercy, and love toward ourselves? We can't if we don't see his transforming work in us. Paul wrote we have put off the old and put on the new. We are new creations in Christ. When we catch hold of that truth we are enabled to love the self we are becoming as we walk in his light.

Who you once were before you came to Jesus is no longer an issue. And your current sins do not stop God from loving you. All the law claimed against you was nailed to the cross and Jesus' last words were, "It is finished." Grace. No more can or should be added to that. 

Today, set aside some quiet time. Ask God to show you "you" and dare to love who you see.

Healing Love

 Today I shared something with a dear friend, unsure of how she would react. Her response was gracious and her words God-given. This was a part of her response. Charles Wesley's hymn, And Can It Be. This is what I give today for a blog message. It is complete.

And can it be that I should gain
An int'rest in the Savior's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?

Refrain:
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me!

'Tis mystery all! Th'Immortal dies!
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine!
'Tis mercy all! let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more. [Refrain]

He left His Father's throne above,
So free, so infinite His grace;
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam's helpless race;
'Tis mercy all, immense and free;
For, O my God, it found out me. [Refrain]

Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast bound in sin and nature's night;
Thine eye diffused a quick'ning ray,
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free;
I rose, went forth and followed Thee. [Refrain]

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him is mine!
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th'eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own. 

The Lessons of 2022

 New Year's Day is only a few days away and I'm not making any resolutions. My prior experience has taught me I rarely keep them for more than a month. Honestly, I have only made them because there is an unwritten rule in our society that we need to promise ourselves we will set goals for the coming year. A lot of folks do, but like me, they rarely keep up with whatever expectations they have placed on themselves, which leads to a degree of self-shaming, or worse leads to continued unhealthy behaviors that can get worse than they were before swearing off them. 

I prefer to look back and see what I've learned in the past year. I may take those lessons to heart and by grace live by them in the coming year. One lesson I've learned this past year: I set myself up for failure when I place unrealistic expectations on myself. It's taken a long time to learn that lesson. For example, I was published in a prestigious journal this past year, and immediately I felt the bar of writing well raised exponentially. I was placing an expectation on myself to write beyond my current capabilities. What was published was written in a flash from pure inspiration. It's impossible to write at that level all the time. Writing is actually grunt work most of the time. Writing to learn to write better is what all authors do. It may be a while before I write something that good again. But I shall continue to write. No writing is ever wasted.

Another lesson I've learned this past year is one I should have learned by now. But like a gymnast, I may have finally stuck it: God answers prayer according to his timetable, not mine. It was very late in 2022 and it's an ongoing process, but a boatload of prayer has gone up to the presence of God like incense. Mine mingled with many others on behalf of a dying friend. Amazingly, she is slowly in tiny steps beginning to communicate by blinking her eyes. It is nothing short of a miracle. But I felt God wasn't answering prayers, or maybe saying no. She's not out of the woods. It could come to a crashing halt and she still pass away. But prayer is answered on God's terms. I now pray for his merciful best because as much as I would like to think I know best, I haven't the wisdom. 

Trusting God to protect the people I love has been a lesson in 2022. I would like to say I've got it down pat, but that would be a questionable statement. So I will say God has protected people I love dearly this past year in spite of the true danger surrounding them. I want to trust he will do so in the coming year. Paul was stoned, whipped, and imprisoned, yet God protected him from death until his race was complete. Struck down, at times perplexed, facing the answer of "No" to some prayers, yet trusting his Savior to keep him safe to do what he was anointed to do. I must do the same, having seen God's protective providence in action. 

Finally, I've learned I must be at peace about things I have no control over. Health concerns and financial difficulties, to name a couple. There are more I won't go into, but I'm called to be at peace knowing things may not improve and in fact, some will get worse and I'm powerless to stop it. God has called me to bear a burden that only he can enable me to bear. And in the midst of it, I am to be at peace. A peace that passes all understanding. 

So here's to 2023. May all God's children find joy, peace, and grace to enable them to overcome the world. Jesus will return and as he asked, will he find faith? 

I want to raise my hand and say here I am, I have faith. 

The Pain of Letting Go

I sit in the early morning hours. It’s still dark out and my light is that of a candle. I think of how it was before electricity, though I am typing by the glow of the laptop screen, running on battery power. Two hundred years ago I’d be writing on coarse paper with the stub of a pencil.

My thoughts are unformed as of yet. More coffee. I want to write an essay about a lovely friend I’ll probably never see in this lifetime other than through video phone calls. And those may be over. She is dying over a thousand miles away. She cannot read my texts, or hear me, well maybe she can. I don’t know. Her mother put her phone to her ear to listen to me, but she didn’t respond.

To say I am sad is an understatement. I’m grieving her and she isn’t even dead yet. But the prognosis is poor. Every day I expect to read she has gone home.  But she is lingering, and I think it’s because her mother won’t let her go. Yes, I have prayed hard for a miracle, but lately I have chosen to pray for God’s merciful best for her. And as I type this I am crying because letting go means losing a part of your heart, and the pain, oh the pain.

This time of year, Christmas, brings its own set of sorrows. My mother died two weeks before Christmas a few years back. I had to let her go because she was lingering in pain. I whispered in her ear it was okay to let go. She spoke and weakly said thank you. The next day she didn’t wake up, just laid there unconscious. She was still breathing when I went to get another cup of coffee. A few minutes later when I returned to her bedside, she was gone. 

My father had died near the holidays about eight years earlier. This just compounded the pain. I remember thinking I am an orphan now. No one to give me advice or the love only parents can give.

My heart broke with the pain only death produces. It is a unique sorrow. And I feel it now. It’s hidden grief I carry for them, even though I know they are supremely joyous and young again, pain-free, no sorrows. I remember my mother’s pain each time a friend died.  She was feeling more alone and very old. When her best friend died, she was inconsolable for a while. They had coffee together every morning for many years.

My friend and I have texted daily for years. The texts have stopped. She is unable to communicate, and I wonder if she is in pain, fear, or panic. My tears are for her as well as for me. I may lose a person I had daily contact with, just like my mother. And I don’t have my mother to tell me how long it hurt. How she got through it. Because friends are different than family. You tell them things you could never tell your family, as much as you love them. You play together, laugh together, cry together, share burdens together. It’s a bond completely different than that of a beloved spouse.

This morning I cry. I cry for my parents. I cry for the state of my friend who told me she just wants to go home. She has suffered her whole life and is so very weary of the continual pain. I get it. And I’m letting go. But dear God in heaven, this hurts. Christmas hurts. Yet I remember the words of David, Thou art always with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Please send your comfort.

 

The Passing of an Era

 Like countless people around the world, I took notice when Buckingham palace issued a statement there was extreme concern about The Queen's health. Her family rushing to her side indicated the end was near. Yet, I was left stunned by the news of her passing. Then a wave of emotions washed over me. I was actually in tears. Just like most Britons, she was the only queen I had ever known and I am genuinely saddened.

She was not my queen. George Washington wisely declined to become our first king. America was subjected to many injustices by the king of colonial times, King George III. And Americans celebrate Independence Day every year. Yet, thanks to the brilliant ambassadorship of Queen Elizabeth II, the strong ties between Great Britain and the United States, a former colony, flourished during her reign spanning 70 years. 

She came of age during the bloodiest war the world has ever experienced. Her sudden ascension to the throne at the age of 25 not only made her The Queen, it also made her the head of the Church of England, a role she took as seriously as the queenship. 

She had her faults and sins like all humanity. But those made her more believable and approachable even as she maintained the royal distance the English monarchy has always maintained. It is arguably true that Princess Diana surpassed her in reaching greater approachability, but over her reign, the ups and downs, the blunders and successes, Queen Elizabeth II had amazing approval not just in Great Britain, but also throughout the world. She earned respect.

As head of the Church of England, she did her best to live an exemplary life and publically expressed her faith in the saving grace extended through our Savior. For that I know she has entered Heaven. She is not a queen there. She is among the countless worshippers of our Lord in the equality of the saved. 

Don't confuse this entry as my being a monarchy fan. The history of colonialism and many times cruel subjugation of millions of people throughout the world marred the institution. But The Queen presided over the breaking up of the British empire and I'd like to think she probably felt it was about time for the former colonies to have independence and the right to self-determination. But she was able to establish the free Commonwealth of many former colonies that endured throughout her reign. 

Her death indeed marks the end of an era. Her life provided a connection to WWII Britain, followed by many turbulent times, as well as amazing leaps in technology and great social changes. I once asked my mother if she thought she would see all the advances in technology and changes in the world, such as the sudden emergence of new sovereign nations, and the rock 'n roll she so disliked, during her lifetime. She answered in the negative. I have a feeling The Queen felt the same way and somehow that made her more human and less regal. 

She was not my queen but I still mourn. Rest in peace Queen Elizabeth II.

My Father's Heritage

This is a poem I recently penned based on an essay I wrote years ago after my father's interment at Fort Leavenworth Cemetery in 2005. He is not among the honored war dead. He survived WWII and lived to be 85. But he served in our nation's military for over 24 years. He was honorably discharged with commendations and medals, including a Distinguished Unit Citation from his deployment in the Pacific Theater. It's now known as The Presidential Unit Citation. 

I inherited a legacy from him rather than money. It's been passed down to my son who was also honorably discharged from the Army. He still serves in other ways, just like my father continued to serve after he retired from the Air Force. Even though he was not killed in action, I thought it an appropriate Memorial Day post. I will add that I've not written much in the way of poetry, so take it as it is. 

I buried my father today
Gathered under the shelter we watched silently

as the Honor Guard carefully folded the flag

over his box of ashes

And although I knew it was coming

I jerked involuntarily with each rifle volley

I don’t remember the homily

The words intended to comfort the grieving

I remember the handing of the flag to

my mother

On behalf of the President of the United States and

a grateful nation

The bugler’s Taps washing over me

with finality

Collecting a bullet casing from

the Honor Guard to keep I wondered

if they understood how important their job is

To signal the end of an old war veteran’s life

My father’s heritage is not buried in a

box of ashes

It is found in the words on his marker

He served God and His Country

Lord Let Me Never Outlive My Love For You

 O sacred Head now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns Thine only crown
How art Thou pale with anguish with sore abuse and scorn

How does that visage languish which once was bright as morn

What Thou my Lord hast suffered was all for sinners' gain

Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain

Lo here I fall my Savior, 'tis I deserve Thy place

Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee dearest friend

For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end

O make me Thine forever and should I fainting be

Lord, let me never, never outlive my love for Thee

As Good Friday approaches, I am reminded of this hymn I grew up singing every year. There are more verses, but these first three always hit my heart the deepest. It's rarely sung anymore. The old 12th century Latin translated into King James English, and set to somber Bach music, is foreign to modern ears. If you've never heard it YouTube it. It's moving in its worshipful remembrance of Jesus' death on the cross for sinners such as me.

I have found myself as I age feeling a greater need to be near the Lord. The sense of my mortality is pressing in on me. David asked God to teach him to number his days. He, too, had a growing awareness of his limited time on earth and the closer he was coming to seeing God face-to-face. I look back with a degree of sorrow for wasted opportunities, wasted years of dissipation, and needless self-inflicted pain and sorrow that sidelined me when I should have been about my Father's work. But I cannot change a single day of my past as much as I long to have a redo. My past is indeed written in concrete.

But the present and future are wide open for opportunities to write a life worthy of the high calling. There is joy, wonder, and thankfulness that the blood of Jesus covers my sins and failures. But I want the days I have left to be worthy of Jesus' sacrifice for me. I won't be perfect, no one can make that claim. I may be weary some days from circumstances, but my heart and actions can reflect a Christlikeness that comes from the deepest parts of my very being joined in relationship with the Lord. It's grace that makes this possible. 

Lo here I fall my Savior, 'tis I deserve Thy place

Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace

O make me Thine forever and should I fainting be

Lord, let me never, never outlive my love for Thee

 

All Things Change, but One

 Something I've sometimes told people in emotional and suicidal distress is life is not static. It changes and there is just as much of a chance things will improve as opposed to never getting better. Those odds are worth staying around for. It's not a simplistic viewpoint. And it doesn't minimize pain. It's a simple truth. I have self-talked my way through a few tough times with that mindset. When we are going through a series of losses it's difficult to see beyond the wall of pain in front of us. Tragically, some people never give life another chance believing the lie that what they feel now is what they will experience the rest of their lives. 

While the concept of an ever-changing emotional landscape is true, there is another truth that coexists with it. There is a bedrock that cannot be shaken. It is immutable. What's built on it will not fail in any way. Emotional turmoil cannot forestall it. Doubt and fear cannot overcome it. Darkness cannot hide it. This bedrock is the Lord. Scripture says there is no shadow caused by his turning. David called him his Rock. And while rocks in this world erode or shatter, God our Rock doesn't. He is the one constant in life that will be with us in our changing mental and physical conditions. Whether we are on the upside or down, he is there.

I firmly believe life does get better depending on our outlook. I have had journeys through darkness so black I haven't been able to see light. But there is Light and Life in the Lord and in my worst nights of soul turmoil, I know he's been guiding my steps on the path he's laid out for me. I've had suicidal ideations on multiple occasions. Yet, God, my Rock has kept my feet firmly planted while I waited for my emotions to change, which almost always precedes situational improvements. 

When I said I firmly believe life does get better according to our outlook, that doesn't mean conditions will always change. Am I contradicting myself? No. Life isn't static. We can change. Our emotions may be up or down, but God's constancy in recreating us in the image of Christ Jesus means we can always have hope no matter our circumstances. Stories of unbelievable suffering have been handed down through the church and in history studies. The people are all worthy of pity, but some stand out for their faithfulness and lives of purpose in the face of extreme deprivations, loss of loved ones, or horrid living conditions. Their situations persisted, but their inner lives were not static. They were ever-growing, ever transforming, ever believing in a future and a hope. 

 We change either into Christlikeness or into black bitterness. But praise God, our destiny is to be like Jesus. Life is not static.

War and an Old World Order

 I didn’t experience World War II, but I was born only nine years after the surrender of the Axis powers. My childhood friends and I often played games of war. No one wanted to be a Nazi, but we'd divide ourselves up and throw dirt-clod grenades and shoot toys guns to kill our foes. The war was still close in the consciousness of adult Americans and unsurprisingly it spilled over to my generation. It was on TV in shows like Combat!, Rat Patrol, and 12 O’clock High. War movies were still being made and were popular. The horrors were still fresh and long before the collective trauma of the war slipped into the fading recollections of my aging parent's generation.

My war was the Cold War. Spy shows and movies replaced WWII fare. I knew as a child the world teetered on the brink of disaster. Adults did their best to make life seem like Leave it to Beaver and the bucolic town life of Mayberry, but I was raised in a military family and my father was involved in the Pacific nuclear bomb testing of the early 1960s. I knew the Duck and Cover taught in school meant more than tornadoes. The later protests of the Vietnam War were the result of my generation growing up with instant annihilation hanging over us. Any war could be a precursor to another global conflict. Only this time, vast oceans would not keep us insulated and safe.

Trillions were spent in the East and West in an arms race to keep each other from gaining an upper hand. But we were able to outspend the Soviets and the empire behind the Iron Curtain collapsed. Nations that had been oppressed by Russia following WWII were freed to decide their own national identities and futures. There was a new world order. The Cold War with its nuclear threats ended with western democracy and capitalism appearing the winner.

That is why the rise of former Soviet era officials taking over Russia’s government has been so frightening. The threatening return to the old world order is brewing. The President, Vladimir Putin, a former KGB agent is increasingly autocratic, persecuting the press, using violence and a corrupt legal system to silence opposition. His need to reclaim the glory days of Russia’s power and domination of former Soviet bloc countries is playing out with the unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, a peaceful democracy. Like Hitler and the claiming of the Sudetenland, there will be no appeasement. It won’t be enough. If we don’t sacrifice now to prevent Putin from taking Ukraine, more deadly territorial land grabs will follow. It’s why my heart sinks and breaks for the people of Ukraine. It’s why fervent prayers are being lifted heavenward, here and in Ukraine.

There are things I never thought I would live to see. The fall of the Berlin Wall. The collapse of the Soviet Union. The mass terrorist murder on American soil on 9/11. And the utterly terrifying sight of U.S. citizens storming their own Capitol Building, threatening to undo the centuries old constitutional peaceful transfer of power, as the world watched with a mix of horror and delight.

As I watch the situation in Ukraine play out on the daily news, I remind myself I am but a sojourner, yet I’m here to make a difference in this earthly life, defending the rights of the downtrodden. To hate injustice and violence. To work for the good of people everywhere. Even those on the other side of the world. While I cannot be there in person, I can donate to the needs of people fleeing the Russians. I can demand our government do everything within its power to stop the war. I can pray fervently for Ukraine’s people, and for the Russian people who are bravely protesting the war against Ukraine. They are being violently attacked and detained by the authorities. And yes, to pray for the oppressors to stop inflicting pain, to encounter the life-changing Prince of Peace.

As I strive to live as a peacemaker, I await the return of the Lord to put an end to all wars and death, sickness and tears, oppression and injustice, and the darkest evils of the human heart. I watch and I pray.

Come Lord Jesus, come.

 

 

 

In The Bleak Midwinter, Hope

 Winter only began yesterday, but the longest night of the year makes it feel like the bleak midwinter. At least it does to me. Christmas has been a struggle for me for years. The demanded happiness of the season doesn't resonate in me. In past churches I've attended, the expected attendance of all Advent activities made sanctuary for hurting people go missing. Somewhere the humble entrance of the Christ child was lost.

The monetary demands made keeping the budget impossible. Years ago I finally got the nerve to tell my extended family I could not afford the gift exchanges. I felt I was spoiling things. The required presence at work parties and their gift exchanges felt coerced. The lengthening of the season for merchants to make more money, while people spend themselves into deepening debt, makes me feel out of sync with the world around me. Even traditional Christmas music playing everywhere reminds me I am not in the holiday spirit.

Some years back, my mother passed away a week before Christmas. It deepened the bleakness. I still feel some emotional confusion remembering how I whispered to her it was okay to let go. She thanked me and passed away the following day after I stepped away from her bedside. Maybe she would have held on longer. She was in pain, though. But it haunts me to this day and every Christmas reminds me of it.

My church has an annual Longest Night Blue Christmas service every December 21st, and I always attend. Last night I felt the presence of God. The candlelight and times of silence, the carefully chosen quiet music granting permission to be who I am. There were no expectations, no exhorting sermon. Just quiet contemplation and a growing sense of acceptance. I can greet the Christ child just as I am with all the emotions I do or do not feel. The Light has come into the world and the darkness cannot overcome it. 

I don't know if I'll ever have the holly jolly merry Christmas so many people have. But I can kneel before the manager and worship in wonder that I am welcome, no strings attached.