Trusting Through Trials

It’s been a while since I posted, which bothers me because I want to be consistent with posting at least twice a month. Writer’s block. It happens now and then and it is frustrating for me. I try to write, but inspiration doesn’t come readily, so this may be a bit stilted.

I have several people in my life who are in need of a lot of prayer right now and I have been praying daily for them. I have been praying hard because I am passionate about their needs being resolved. But nothing seems to be happening and they continue to suffer. God seems to be doing nothing to lift their burdens and I have reached the point where I am questioning why He is so far away and doing nothing for them. In fact, I am a little angry about it. I am beseeching Him and have others praying. Nothing.

There are times when God seems to leave our prayers unanswered. We are left with burdens and circumstances that are difficult to cope with. Sometimes trials are heartbreaking and painful and we cry out for help, but are left to deal with things on our own. I think I am not alone when it comes to questioning God and even getting angry with Him. His silence and inaction are unfathomable.

But is He really ignoring our prayers? Scripture makes it clear that God always listens to our prayers, no matter what we say and how we say it. The question really is why He allows circumstances to continue, sometimes for long periods. I am no theologian, but I think I have at least a partial understanding of what He is doing. I believe He is preparing the answer for us that will come at the designated time. When and where that will happen, we do not know, but in the meantime He allows trials to shape us, to mold us to be more like Jesus in becoming stronger, more patient and more compassionate.

Trials are painful and we want them to end immediately, but we must allow the time it takes for the desired result to be made permanent. God’s wisdom and actions are unknowable for now. We have to continue to believe in His goodness and love toward us. Learning to trust Him is the ultimate goal, to believe He has our best interest at heart. When I get angry it’s because I have yet to gain that understanding.

I know I will have to go through trials as I walk on the earth. Jesus faced them in His time on earth. God allows them for us, too, because the servant is not greater than the Master, but like the Master we will be in the end. I will continue to plead for my friends because prayer is never wasted, but I will have to understand that God answers prayer in His time and in His way. All I can do is trust.

Suffering in Life

I am writing this with a brain that has been sleep deprived for a week now and I did not sleep a wink last night. I was just not able to function at work, not even the most basic of my job duties, and my psychiatrist wants me to take a couple days off while we try a new medication and to somehow get the rest I desperately need. I have a job and a boss that permits me to do just that, so I am home writing a blog entry that may not make any sense.

I have been trying to stay as positive as I can be which isn’t easy. What little sleep I get I have been saying thank you to God for, rather than complaining to him. It’s been a challenge to do so because I feel terrible. I don’t understand why this is a condition I live with that so adversely affects me.

I don’t understand much about suffering, in fact, I don’t understand it all. I know people personally who suffer so much more than I do with my bipolar disorder. As bad as I feel, I know there are millions more whose lives are so much more challenging than mine. They are suffering far worse and I don’t know why God permits it.

The bible records the questioning of Job, a man who suffered some of the worst anguish a person can experience and he started out like me, trying to honor God in the midst of his suffering. But he finally reached his breaking point and began questioning God, demanding an answer. I have read it multiple times and each time I come away with the feeling that God really doesn’t answer his question directly. But God does indeed answer.

The answer to Job’s questioning was a rebuke couched in a declaration of God’s greatness and sovereignty. Simply said, God is the Creator and Ruler of all things and what he chooses to permit is his divine right and we are not given insight into his thinking in the life we now live. Revelation will come when we see him face to face.

In the meantime, the way we are to cope with suffering is to reach out with love, compassion and practical help to those who suffer. Encouraging and aiding in any way that we can by the giving of our lives, our grace and our resources. It is not easy to be an encourager when you are the one suffering and sometimes we are called on to do just that. Other times we are the ones to receive.

While I don’t really understand suffering, I can trust God’s goodness. I can continue to offer up thanks for what he has given me. God does not overlook the suffering of his children and in time when we see him, we will receive what is precious beyond all understanding. What that is we do not know, but it is a sure promise. So let’s be about the ministry of God and trust him to sort it all out in the end. God is good all the time.

Blessings in Abundance

Today is my birthday and it’s all I could ask for: a beautiful day of sunshine and perfect temperature. I just came home from shopping and updated my wardrobe which was sorely needed. My husband chauffeured me around and we will go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. I couldn’t ask for a better day.

As I write this I realize how very blessed I truly am. I have been thanking God all day in my heart for another year of life, and one that I can look back on and feel pretty good about. But I also need to thank him for the very fact that I was able to go shopping and spend the money I did. I am blessed with a job when many others are not. I am blessed with a house when there are literally at least a million people or more who are living either in tents or out in the elements because of natural disaster or war.

I am blessed with clean water to shower in, let alone drink, when so many have to haul water daily and it’s not even clean, so illnesses that are preventable are rampant. I am blessed with a healthy body when so many live with illness and conditions which incapacitate. I did nothing to be blessed like I am. It has been given to me.

I ask myself why? Why me? All that comes to mind is the scripture verse that says to whom much is given, much is expected in return. All that I have was not given to me just to enjoy myself. God has given me what he has and expects me to give in return. I confess I have not done as much as I ought. There are many ways I could be volunteering, but I haven’t done much in that regard. There are needs in the community where I live. I do write checks for causes, but I could do without some of the things I enjoy in order to give more. I pray, but I could spend much more time in prayer for the needs of others.

God has blessed many people in this world, and some give generously in numerous ways, and some hoard it for themselves. In the end, there will be an accounting. It will be based on to whom much is given, much will be expected. I don’t want to hang my head in shame for all the ways I could have given but did not. If God grants me another year, I plan to spend it differently than in the past. God willing, the blessings he has bestowed on me will not be squandered, but spent wisely, pleasing him and helping others.

Doing My Laundry

I am writing this in my pajamas because I have no clean jeans to wear and have to wait on my laundry to finish before I go public. I really should have done some before now instead of letting it all pile up, but I just let it go and now I am stuck and errands I need to run are being delayed.

It can be like that with our spiritual lives as well. We can let sins and attitudes build up without taking proper steps to deal with them immediately. We hang onto certain sins because they are pleasurable rather than taking them to God and seeking help to overcome them. There are always consequences when we don’t let go of sins and negative attitudes in whatever fashion they may come. Losing the sense of closeness to God and to others is first and foremost, and our sense of well-being is lost. We do harm to others, too, in our reluctance to deal with sin right away. Racism is one example of the consequence of harboring sin, so are violence and infidelity and a thousand other consequences, big and small.

I could make an endless list, but that is not what this is about. It is about letting sins pile up and then expecting no negative consequences. When Jesus walked among us, he repeatedly said to repent because the Kingdom of God was at hand. But he knew that it would be impossible for us to do that without help, so God provided it in the form of the Holy Spirit. The death and resurrection of Christ made the way for salvation and opened our hearts for the presence of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is our Motivator to deal with sin, but we sometimes ignore the promptings to our peril, be it little or great.

My laundry is just an inconvenience in the big picture of life, but it is a reminder to me to not let the more important things go as if it doesn’t matter. It does and I would do well to heed the lesson. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I will bring my sins and negative attitudes to God for forgiveness promptly and not let them pile up. Jesus paid the price so I could do just that, so it’s time now to get my spiritual laundry taken care of.

The Guilt Trap

I am home today having taken a day of sick leave. I rarely take one, mainly because I am a healthy person, but also because I feel guilty when I do. I always have. I have earned a lot of sick days and should use them if I need to, but I just feel guilty when I do.

Sometimes I can feel guilt over other things that I really shouldn’t. Things for which scripture says I no longer need to. Guilt that is misplaced and unnecessary and I know I am not alone. Christians sometimes feel guilt when they should not.

Guilt is a form of bondage that holds us hostage and interferes with our spiritual lives and our emotions. I feel guilty when I sin, but that is a proper guilt and I rush to ask forgiveness, but guilt should stop then and there. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I cannot let go of the feeling regardless of what scripture says. I tend to view sin as having differing levels in my life and God will judge them accordingly. Some sins are worse than others and the more I think about a sin, the greater the guilt. I think others feel that way, too, at times.

What we forget is that our sins were judged at the cross and have been forever stricken from the book of our lives. Only what we do now for Jesus matters. Guilt over what has been forgiven interferes with our communion with God and causes an emotional response that depresses and can even induce fear. We get trapped in it so easily, living with guilt that is no longer our due. God must grieve over it, knowing he has done all so we could live free from its torment and bondage.

When in that place, I talk to other believers who can extend God’s grace to me, to be accepting of me so I can accept that God has truly forgiven and there is no record of my wrongs. The pain of guilt is real and I find when others stand in for God and extend the grace needed it eases the pain.

Just as Jesus was the face of God when he was here, so too, are believers. As his representatives, we have the power to offer God’s grace to our brothers and sisters, and to remind once again that he has forever removed the guilt of our sin. It is done.

Strength in Numbers

One thing I have not really shared about is my fear of crowds. Being with a lot of people in close proximity can induce a panicky response. I simply cannot be in those situations if at all possible. When there are a lot of people in the building I work in, I feel anxious. I get anxious when I go to the grocery store because it is a rather confined space with a lot of people. My husband goes with me. When he is with me, I don’t have that feeling most of the time. I think I feel that things are under control and will be okay. I also have medication for panic.

The presence of the Holy Spirit is really at work in this. It is his presence that I sense through my husband. Would it be better if I could just go it alone without the panic? Probably so, but there is a lesson in this. God doesn’t intend for us to be Lone Rangers when it comes to our spiritual life. The bible says that it’s better for two to be together because if one falls down, the other is there to pick him up. Jesus sent the disciples out in pairs. There was a need for them to be together and not be on their own.

There is indeed strength in numbers because we all have differing capacities and gifts. Where one is weak, the other is strong, and we all have our weaknesses both physical and spiritual. Sometimes we cannot pray as we need to, others are there to pick up the slack. Sometimes a difficult decision needs to be made and others are there to counsel us. Simply put, we need each other to walk through this world we temporarily abide in, too much is at stake.

I don’t know if my fear of crowds will ever go away, but God has made provision for me and he has made provision for all his children to compensate for our weaknesses. He has done so by giving us each other. The body of Christ is beautiful, peopled by those who love Jesus and seek to be like him, growing together in grace. Like it says in the song Jesus Loves me, I am weak, but he is strong, and he makes his strength present to us as the Holy Spirit shows himself through all.

The Pruning Process

I have houseplants, I think most people do. I’ve always had them because they brighten the atmosphere with their life, something lovely living with me. They of course require care; they are totally dependent on me. They let me know when they need water by their drooping leaves and then I take care of their need.

One thing I also take note of is dead leaves. They need pruning and I am faithful to do that when I become aware of them. They spoil the loveliness of the plants and I want to see them look their best, to bring beauty into the room where they are placed.

Like the plants, we need pruning, too. Just as I see the need and prune, God takes note of the things, attitudes and behaviors in our lives that diminish the beauty he has created. I really don’t know if my plants sense that I am pruning them, but I can recognize when I am being pruned, because it can sometimes be painful when he cuts away the things that mar and impede his presence. The face and attitudes we show the world need to be real, genuinely Christ-like: his love, grace and mercy. He diligently cuts away the dead way of living, the things we cling to that cause us to stumble.

My plants don’t have a choice when I prune them and neither do we, but the end result is worth it. The loveliness is restored for awhile. I say for awhile because more pruning will be necessary, and so it is with us. Until the day we are called home, the pruning process will continue and we should be glad for that. We are slowly being transformed and the final result will be endless beauty.

Pruning is not pleasant, but it is necessary. When you feel the pain of things being stripped away, remind yourself that you are becoming more as Jesus was when he walked among us and becoming more as he is now as well, to which we should say, “prune away, prune away.”

Simple Support

As I write this, I am sick. I don’t know what I am sick with, but I have some sort of crud, and I feel pretty crummy. I won’t go into details because sick talk is not permissible with many. It makes us uncomfortable somehow, but it shouldn’t because there are those ill who need their brothers and sisters in Christ to help them walk with the burden of illness that goes beyond the basic sickness I have today.

Some of my close friends have major illnesses and if I had not been open to hearing, they would be without my support. Cancer and other catastrophic illnesses are hard to hear about for those who do not face such giants in their lives, but not as hard as it is to hear those words when you are the one being diagnosed. Perhaps in some parts of society talking about illness is unacceptable, but among those in the body of Christ, that should never be the case.

Those who call themselves Christians should always have open arms, open minds and hearts for those who have serious illnesses. To hear the word cancer is frightening for the one diagnosed as well as the ones who love them. To have to talk about it is awkward at first. “I’m so sorry, I will pray for you,” seems terribly inadequate, but saying those words is a start to being a support system for those whose lives have just been upended by an unexpected and unwelcome diagnosis. Those who are facing difficult battles seek support, sometimes with desperation, and knowing prayer is being offered can be a balm for troubled and fearful hearts. Greater support can be offered as we talk about the illness and how it is affecting the one with it. But we have to be willing to talk about it and not shy away. Sometimes, the greatest support comes in the form of a listening ear.

I may be feeling poorly today, but I know there are those just within my immediate circle who are facing illness that isn’t going to go away in a couple of days. I want to be there for them. Maybe all I am able to do is pray, but that is no small thing in the eyes of God who tags us to come to the side of those in distress and hold them up, to be the support they need to cope with the previously unimaginable.

It goes with being a Christian. It’s called love.

The Winters of Our Lives

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

The words to the old hymn are so true, winter feels endless right now, and for some, their emotional state is bleak. I feel that way at times. The frequent absence of the sun and the cold winds bring me down. I long for spring to come and end this bleak season.

We have seasons in our lives as well and spiritual winters come to us. For reasons unknown, God ordains seasons in our lives and in the winters, the presence of God is absent and we feel abandoned, at least I do. God seems more than a million miles away, I wonder if he is even in the same universe.

But the truth is God has gone no where, his “hibernation” is only temporary to cause us to seek him with passion and fervor. There have been times when I have literally cried my prayers during my winters. It’s a passionate seeking of him, a deep desire to regain seemingly lost communion with him.

Jesus felt abandoned on the cross. It was a winter far beyond what we ever go through. But the result was a promise of an endless summer of his presence, of our beauty and glory because of his death and resurrection, an eternal end to the winters in our lives.

Life will go through a continual cycle until his return for us. We will have bleak winters and summers of abounding joy and growth. But he never abandons us, he is always there, and the promise of his everlasting presence is sure. Look forward to spring. It’s coming and again, we will grow and flourish as the hibernation of his presence ends and joy is ours once more.

The Measuring of a Year

This past year I have had significant events in my life. A dear friend moved out of state, a long way out of state. I never get to see her anymore and it’s left a void. Some serious instability from bipolar wreaked havoc for several months. Work has been very stressful and demanding with a hiring freeze that has left us shorthanded and having to pick up the slack.

I know I am not alone in feeling the effects of the personal events of the past year. Some have had to cope with major illness, some have lost loved ones, and some have lost jobs. The list could go on. This past year has been difficult for many and knowing how to view it all is unclear sometimes.

Some people tend to look at their lives through a distorted lens and only see what went wrong, the bad events, the failures, the loss. It’s easy to miss the good when so much bad has happened, and understandably so. But there can be a pattern of seeing only the negative rather than the positive, to judge our lives by what is lacking rather than what we have and the potential that is present. I will admit I can be one of those. But in order to correctly assess this past year, I need to see with a lens that allows clear vision, undistorted by past sins and failures.

The only means I can use to correctly assess my life is the one God has given, the Bible. It is an accurate measuring stick by which I am able to determine whether or not my life was well lived this past year. But even beyond that, the Holy Spirit provides the insight and the comfort, because both are needed. Only God can see clearly to judge our lives rightly. How we measure up for this past year is really best left to his determination. While he may chasten, more often than not he comforts us because we are often harder on ourselves than he. His expectations are realistic.

God understands the weaknesses I have, he knows the circumstances that I have faced and challenged me this past year. He is very aware of my failures, yes, but he is equally aware of my successes and rejoices in them. I can rest in the knowledge that he will judge my days fairly and help me be ready for the coming year. Regardless of this past year’s mistakes and stumbling, regardless of what difficulties I may currently face in my life, his Spirit is daily keeping me moving ahead into another year of possibilities. Hope is found in him for the erasing of past sins and hope is found in him for the future.

A new year is coming and I know that the tradition of making resolutions is pressing, but this year I will let life unfold and allow the Spirit to do his work in me. Whether I find good in the coming year or pain, in either one God will be present and in that I can take comfort.

The True Meaning of Christmas

It is Christmas Day and all around the world, families are gathered to share in gift giving and special meals, of time together as they celebrate the day. But I am reminded that there are many who are alone today, many who are homeless, and some who cannot give gifts because they are too poor. And there are those who cannot celebrate openly because of persecution.

Some cannot celebrate because of anguish of heart and mind. The joys of the season are lost on them because they are too depressed or suffer from another form of mental illness. They are those whose lives are tenuous at best, who have lost all hope of a life that is free of pain, a terrible kind of pain that isn’t fixed with a band-aid. For them, Christmas is not a time of peace on earth, goodwill toward all.

Some have awakened to the same hunger pangs they went to sleep with. They struggle for water and shelter along with the relentless striving for enough food to stay alive, to feed children whose bellies are swollen from endless deprivation. There are children raising children because their parents are dead from AIDS, or because they are caught up in the lifestyle of poverty and gangs and meaningless living.

Not everyone is celebrating the birth of Christ today.

In the midst of the tearing of wrapping paper and the carving of hams and turkeys, set aside time to remember those members of humanity who suffer today for a myriad of reasons. Take a moment to remember them in prayer and thank God for the blessings of the day, then consider how you will spend your days in the coming year. For me? It will be to spend less time thinking of me and more time thinking of others, and then to match those thoughts with actions.

Today, I celebrate the birth of the Savior along with millions around the world and I pray that his life in me will not be in vain. That just as his birth was the beginning of a new age for the world, it will also be the beginning of a new attitude in me: that I have the same heart for the lost and hurting of the world as him. It’s what Christmas is all about.

Loving Wounded Souls

I am counting down the days to Christmas, less than a week now. I’ve managed to get my shopping done, all of it online so I did not have to go out into crowds. I do not do well in crowds of people. I have my husband go with me to the grocery store because I find it very stressful. I was once trapped in the middle of an extremely large crowd in a way that I would have been trampled to death if something happened. It was so tight that I was literally lifted off my feet and moving wherever the crowed moved. I had a panic attack and have never been able to do crowds every since.

Why that story? It’s an experience of trauma that has affected me in a negative way, in a long lasting way. Some may think I should just get over it. Believe me, I have tried, but it just stays with me and I’m not sure I will ever get over it. But it’s a minor trauma in comparison to other events in people’s lives which have life long, life changing effect.

I know a few women who were sexually abused and one who was raped. That kind of trauma doesn’t just go away with time. It never is healed in a way that takes all fear out of their hearts and minds. It has forever changed them. Those who have served in the military, been in wars and seen terrible things have those memories haunting them all their lives. Some cope better than others. They all are never the same as they were before the experience. It has life long effect.

There are no easy fixes for such brokenness. There is no magic wand to wave over wounded people, no pep talk able to lift their spirits, no human formulated balm for their scars. But there is the way of love, gentle sweet love that penetrates to the deepest places of pain, though it may take a very long time to reach those places. That is where human kindness and grace comes into play.

Those who’ve never experienced terrible wounding events are sometimes impatient with the walking wounded. They expect them to get over it and get on with their lives. That short sighted attitude just adds to the pain of those who have been traumatized. I know with some other more serious wounding in my life, I’ve been told that if I just had more faith I’d be healed. Instead of comforting me, it made me feel like I was a failure as a Christian and actually made God seem impatient with me as well. It just added to my pain.

The fact is God is infinitely patient with us, and tender toward those who hurt and are beyond the healing efforts of humans. He sees the deepest place in the heart and gently pours love and grace on the wounds. He knows it could take a lifetime, but he’s patient knowing in the end, there will be peace.

Christians need to do the same in their dealings with the wounded. Not pressuring, not admonishing, not trivializing. Just patiently allowing God to do what he does best and extending grace upon grace. God’s .loving kindness is to be shown in the actions of those who claim the name of Christ. So let God’s love lead to patience and tender heartedness, because your actions and your words make all the difference in the world to the wounded.

All is Well and Ends Well

It’s getting closer to Christmas and I can feel the depression coming on. Each year I slide into depression around the holidays and I really don’t know why. It used to be terrible. At one time I would get suicidal. Thankfully, I’ve not had those feelings for a while, due to the medication I now take. Nonetheless, every year I get really down.

I know my depression affects those around me adversely. I am not motivated, I tend to cry, though I hide that. I get irritable, and I sleep poorly in spite of the drugs I take to counter it, which only exacerbates everything. All in all, I am not a fun person to be around.

The only thing beyond medications that keeps me from getting worse like I used to is my faith in a God who knows me thoroughly and understands what I do not. His unending love never wanes just because I am depressed. He loves me no matter where I am emotionally. He knows the reasons and he understands the bipolar disorder I live with. And if my faith lessens because of the depression, he holds me tighter in his strong gentle hands. He will not let go.

My vision is dimmed right now, but I can make out a manger with a babe in it and it does bring some comfort. I know I am not forgotten or judged and pushed away. I may have a hard time getting into things right now, but that doesn’t matter one bit to God. All he cares about is my heart and how heavy it can get sometimes. He reminds me of Psalm 23 and the hope that is found there. I will read it and I will pray it and hope its words will sink in. The sadness will lift eventually, and I hope to get back on track. Until then I will remember his love for me and let it keep me because I am unable to do more.

'Tis the Season

Thanksgiving is over and now the retailers have told us it’s time to begin celebrating Christmas in earnest by shopping and spending money in their stores. Actually, now they are starting in October. If that sounds a little cynical, well it is. Each year when Advent begins I have a hard time getting into the spirit of things because of the increasing commercialization of the season that’s everywhere. It’s inescapable.

In the middle ages, Christmas was considered a holy day that was celebrated as the Christ Mass, and a special feast was enjoyed with gifts of food from the gentry to the serfs who worked their lands. It was a simple celebration of the coming of Christ into the world. It feels like we’ve lost sight of the simplicity of the season with crowding it with compulsory programs, special events, and pressured over spending.

This year, I’m going to do whatever I can to avoid the demands of the season that feel like they are not in keeping with the holy day that is coming. I want to capture the feeling of joy and peace in hope of the life that was gifted to us when Jesus was not yet a man carrying a cross; to know the babe in the manger born in lowly circumstances, and greet him with a humble heart.

I know others feel as I do and I sincerely hope that they will find what they seek as well. This year in the midst of tinsel and a Santa Claus in every shopping mall, I will see a crude stable and a young mother facing an unknown future with the child of promise in her arms. It’s my hope that the vision of this will lead me to a place of quiet, gentle celebration of his birth, so that as I gather with family the thought of it will keep all in proper perspective, and Christmas joy will be the natural outcome.

Every Good Gift

This weekend I am in Arkansas to play guitar for a wedding. This is something I have done multiple times over the years. I enjoy doing it for my family, though I battle nervousness. When I arrived at the rehearsal, I discovered that a string quartet was accompanying me. It was a delightful surprise. I’ve never had anything like this before and it will make a real difference with the music.

Life is like that. We go along doing what is familiar to us and suddenly there is a delightful surprise from God. It always amazes me when God’s gifts arrive unannounced. In the midst of the mundane, something special happens. Sometimes it’s the answer to a prayer that comes in a form we were not expecting. And sometimes, it’s simply because he delights in us.

Scripture says that every good gift comes from above. His blessings are given not because we’ve done something to earn extra points. They come because of his grace and love for us. He takes joy in our joy, pleasure in ours. There simply doesn’t have to be any reason for it. In the same way human parents bring home surprises for a child, so God does for us.

I consider the string quartet a surprise from God. It’s for the pleasure of the attendees, yes, but it’s a surprising blessing for me. I am delighting in the experience and will treasure it in the years to come because it’s something that will most likely never happen again. And I am grateful for it. I thank God for such an experience.

We should go about our daily routines, and do those things God has called us to do. There is joy in the journey. But know that when you least expect it, God will give a surprising gift of love. May your joy be great and may your hearts be overflowing with gratitude for those good gifts from above.

Getting Back Up Again

My husband is in the next room practicing playing his mandolin. It was rather rough when he started out, but through constant and diligent practice he has improved much and can play some fairly difficult pieces now.

A lot of things in life are like that. We first begin to walk and fall over and hit the floor. We begin trying to talk and it comes out gibberish. But by diligently trying over and over, we eventually walk and talk. I can think back to many firsts in my life and the effort it took to get to that point. Even my writing has improved over time in an effort to put my thoughts on paper.

My spiritual life is filled with efforts and failures with successes thrown in. It seems, though, that the failures out number the victories, which is probably true. But gradually, the failures are giving way to accomplishments. Slowly the tide is turning in my life. It is by the grace of God that this is happening. I have tripped up more times than I can possibly count, but God has been there to help me up and let me try again.

The real issue in all this, is do I try to get back up after falling. I will admit that there have been times when I simply laid there and didn’t get up. I gave up, and God will not force us to get up; he waits on us. Was I cut off? No. I simply moved to other areas where I needed to learn how to live as Christ. So what happens when we don’t get up? There is a cost in that we cannot exhibit Christ-like qualities in those areas when life demands it of us. We grieve at our failure knowing it could have been different if we had just gotten up and tried again.

I have experienced this very thing and it was a hard lesson, hard by my own making. But in those occurrences, the grace of God was there. No chiding, no “I told you so,” just enduing hope in me that it was not too late to try again to get it right. God extending the hand of grace to help me knowing that this time he will be helping me stand again should I stumble once more.

I hope that I will not give up again when I need to get up and brush myself off. I hope I have learned the lesson. I don’t want to look back and see where life could have been different had I not given up. God is encouraging me, urging me on to something better. He’s there ready to help me back onto my feet, to move forward in becoming like Christ, and that is worth the effort to succeed.

Beyond Sentimentality

I am a sentimental person; I’ll just admit that up front. I can tear up at Hallmark commercials, that’s how bad it is. I cry at movies, try as I might not to do so. I just can’t help it. I try to act like my eyes are bothering me so it won’t look like I’m crying. What I see affects me greatly and I often cry. What I hear causes me to cry too sometimes. Music that brings back memories, as well as music that is simply beautiful and moving. And what I read can do the same. I can cry at the drop of a hat.

While sentimentality isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a surface emotional expression. Crying at movies is not the same as crying at a newscast of violence tearing apart neighborhoods, or the hearing of soldiers being maimed and killed in a terrible war. While I am sentimental, the real events of this world move me even more. Tragedy should cause an emotional reaction to prompt responsive action. Otherwise, we would be observers only.

God is not an impassive observer. He is moved by suffering as well. Humans are fashioned in his image and though some ignore that by not living by their God given conscience, those who do, take action to alleviate pain. God uses us to help those who experience tragic events. It is our responsibility to provide aid to those who suffer whether it is because of a flood, or a death in the family. Wherever people are, we are to take help to them.

God has tagged us to do the work of helping those who are in distress, whatever that may be. Ask yourself if you are responding to those in need of comfort and basic needs. Give to charities that provide services to victims of natural disasters. Volunteer at a food pantry or a suicide hotline. Volunteer to work at a hospital or hospice. Organize care packages for soldiers. Seek out ways you can actively respond to those who need aid.

Maybe you don’t cry as I do, but your heart should be moved by human suffering. God has given us his Spirit, and he grieves over our sorrows. Let that same grief move you to action. People are counting on you, and God is, too.

Resisting the Good

Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I am a chronic insomniac, have been for the past twenty years. I’ve been though all the sleep drugs and, of course, all the remedies that folks have suggested. None have worked until recently when a new drug was tried. I had been sleeping like a baby until the past couple weeks. I might already be developing resistance to the drug which will be depressing if that is the case. I hope not.

I’ve had resistance to other things in my life, too, some that should be resisted, but others are not such a good idea. I’ve resisted the effort to lose weight at times. I’ve resisted exercising. I’ve resisted turning the TV off more often. All these and more are things that I really shouldn’t resist. But there are those things that are vital to my emotional and spiritual well being that I should not resist, yet have at times.

I’ve resisted prayer, reading the Bible and spending time with others. I resisted taking medications for my bipolar disorder for quite some time, feeling taking them meant I was a defective failure. The truth of the matter is that resistance to those things that will benefit me will hurt me in the long run. But it will also hurt others as I am not at my best physically, emotionally and spiritually. That should be a great motivator for me to do rather than resist.

The reasons for resisting are varied, but none are excuses for neglecting to do what is right and seeking God for the desire to do right. My resistance should be directed toward those things that harm not aid. If I do not resist sin in my life I will find myself resisting God in my life, which is disastrous for a Christian.

We all need to take stock of our lives and take an honest accounting of what we may be resisting right now. It matters greatly for our well being and for our relationships with others and with God. Resisting what God has for us is to miss the opportunity to grow, and in the end, it is to our sorrow if that is the case. Resisting the wonderful grace of God might mean his plan for our good in some instances may not come to pass and who wants that? I know there are some things in my life that I am not resisting anymore and I need to feel good about that. But I also know there are a couple things I need to stop resisting and to ask for greater grace to accept and do them. In the end, I will never regret doing them; I will regret the failure to do so. It’s my choice.

Warming Our Hearts

I’m sitting here sipping a mug of coffee trying to get warm. We keep the house cool to save money. It does help with expenses, but right now I am typing with fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm. I will acclimate to it soon enough, but I’m just not ready for the cold. Summer wasn’t a typical one and I missed the sun and heat.

Sometimes, it feels like our relationship with God is cold, too, at least mine seems that way at times. I suspect it’s the case for others though they may not admit it. Just as there are periods of drought when we seek the Spirit’s presence with great intensity, there are times of chill. But the coldness is not the same as drought. It is a time in which we simply do not feel like being with God.

I hear a collective gasp right now. By that statement, I simply mean that the passion to be close to God wanes and we become cold. Many things can take precedence before God. It might be our job and over working for money. It might be time spent on the internet or zoning out in front of the TV. Perhaps sex or alcohol/drugs consume us to the point of obsession and cause us to forget about God. It might even be our church work. All of us could list more, I’m sure.

The fact is, when other things catch our attention too much, God will come in a distant second. We will not spend time in prayer or reading our bibles. Connections with others will be curtailed. We go through the motions, but the passion is lacking. I must honestly confess there were definite times when my desires were focused elsewhere, and when that happened, I grew cold toward God. I really didn’t mean it to happen, but it quietly escalated little by little and soon, whatever I was concentrating on became my complete center of attention.

I am not suggesting that we become hermits and cloister ourselves away from the world and all that it offers. But we should stop now and then to do some soul searching to see where our priorities lie. And just in case our vision is clouded and our hearts already cold, the Spirit illuminates and shows us the truth. Then grace kicks in and we are gently prodded toward seeking God again with all our hearts, to have the fire stoked again.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but it’s about time for me to do some self assessment, a spiritual checkup. I hope to see that all is well, but if through the intervention of the Spirit I find I need to make some changes, I pray that the grace of God will enable me to do just that. I want a clean bill of spiritual health.

Knowledge That Impresses

I subscribe to a service that sends me a daily word that includes pronunciation, meaning, origin and examples of usage. Virtually every word is one I’ve never seen before. I learn a lot of words that I promptly forget because I do not use them. Even if I did remember them, I would probably not use them because I think many readers would be clueless as to what I was saying. It would only show off my expansive vocabulary, however innocent that might be, or not.

Knowing scripture can be like that. We can learn the bible backwards and forward and impress others with our knowledge of it. Maybe we wouldn’t be doing it intentionally, but it does happen nonetheless, and I know this because I have often been commended on my grasp of scripture, of knowing the “address” of particular passages. I have a bible translation on my PDA that I can refer to. It also has a search function if I do draw a blank. Impressive, yes?

But no matter how much I or anyone else may know, it’s not all that impressive to God if we do not live it. He is even less impressed if I, like a Pharisee, live without grace toward others. Paul made a bold statement about this very thing. Knowledge of words and of scripture can be quite meaningless:

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but don’t have love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day…but do not have love, I’m nothing.” (1 Cor. 13:1-2, The Message)

We can know and believe everything in the bible, but if we do not live and love by it, extending grace to others, it’s worthless in the eyes of God. All the big words and the knowledge of the bible are meaningless without love for others. Scriptural knowledge should lead to transformed lives, softened hearts, pure thoughts, and graciousness acted out in everyday living.

Perhaps I will appear to be less learned by my limited vocabulary, but I would rather be understood. And I will continue to learn scripture, but only with love in my heart to all, and hope that is what impresses.

Losing the Weight

I have been on a diet for the past six months or so. I have taken off 28 pounds at this point and am trying to lose 25 more. It has not been easy especially as my metabolism has diminished as I have aged. I eat far less and I been walking for 30 minutes three times a week, but progress has been slow. I am avoiding diet plans because I know I won’t stick to them once I lose all the weight. I am just working on new behaviors that I will continue to live out after the pounds are finally shed.

I gained all the weight from a particular antipsychotic I was taking last year. I now take a different one, but live with the consequences of less energy, shortness of breath and having had to buy larger clothing. All from weighing more than I ever have. Working on the outside of me is difficult. But though my focus is on the exterior, I am reminded that I still need to work on the inside, too.

While it is a good thing I am taking care of my body, taking care of my spiritual life should not be relegated to the back burner. It needs equal if not more attention while I change my lifestyle to stay healthy. The life of a Christian requires lifestyle changes as well, and that begins on the inside. God looks at the heart when considering how we live up to a life that reflects Christ on the outside. The workout begins within and works its way out in a visibly changed life. The spiritual life cannot be neglected anymore than our physical bodies should be.

I am trying to listen to the Holy Spirit as I work off the physical weight so I do not fail to work off the weight of sin in my life. The good news is that the grace of God is at work within me to make my efforts bear fruit. He does not ask of me what I am unable to do; he is the one at work within me. I am cooperating with him as my life gradually changes. I am learning new behaviors in the heart and mind that lead to a Christ-like life.

I will continue to lose weight, and I will have to continue to be patient with the slow progress. So too, I will have to be patient as my heart slowly changes as well. Both will happen, it’s just going to take a little longer than I had first hoped. In the end, I will once again weigh what I did before, and one day, I will finally be like Christ in love and grace.

Restoring Hope

Recently several people I know have experienced loss in their lives, loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, and loss of health and they are understandably hurting and sad. But the loss I believe hurts the most is loss of hope. When I lost my father, I was deeply saddened and it hurt, but I knew he was in a far better place, no longer in pain. Because I believe I will see him and my grandmother again, I have hope.

But not all are able to cling to hope when life deals them a hard blow. Times of pain and suffering seem to touch us all and the circumstances can be so severe that all hope of getting through, of ever feeling anything but sorrow is lost. I have had times of hopelessness, most recently with the instability I was experiencing from the bipolar disorder I live with. I was in a place of feeling I would never smile again, of feeling life was too hard and death looking far better.

I have had hope restored partly because of medications that have leveled me out again. Even more, hope came back due to the prayers of loved ones, people in my life who do not give up on me even when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. But most of all, it is God who restores hope. If I did not believe that there is life after death, I would truly be a lost soul who would not see the point of going on. Why would I? But his promises give hope when all else says otherwise.

People all around us are hurting and have lost hope. Hope of a future, hope of restored health. Hope of having the means to pay bills and of ever finding another job. Hope of ever having joy again, of ever savoring life to its fullest. Hope of a saved marriage or restoration of a friendship. So much loss and so much pain.

Being there for someone who has suffered loss of whatever nature is what people need the most. We demonstrate love when we are present to the hopeless. But prayer is the quiet unseen action that God sees and hears as he gently heals broken hearts. It is his Spirit that moves in the hearts and minds of those who have suffered great loss and restores hope. We cannot always be present to those who are hurting, but we can pray.

Today, make a difference in the life of someone who feels hopeless. Show love anyway you can, be present to them, and above all pray, because prayer can move mountains and prayer will move us to reach out even more.

Measuring Up

Recently, I joined the ranks of thousands who connect with others via Facebook.com. It began as somewhat of an encouragement from my employer, but I soon found my high school and even grade school had networks. Suddenly, I was in contact with friends of years long ago, people I had lost touch with since graduating in 1973. A whole new world, as well as an old world, has opened to me.

As exciting as it as has been so far, I find myself falling into the comparison trap. I read of the very successful lives of some of my former classmates, of their graduate level educations, high dollar jobs and long successful careers, multi-car garages attached to 5,000 sq. foot homes, vacations in Europe, on and on. I stop and look at mine and I feel somewhat a failure.

My life in high school was tenuous already and I began a 15 year descent into alcoholism and drug addiction. While I managed to get a degree somehow, I lived life as though nothing mattered but getting high. While many of my classmates were building successful lives, I was destroying mine. It would be a long time until I would discover that I had been self medicating, but even that has its bad point. While they all were healthy, I was becoming increasingly ill. All in all, I fall short in comparison.

But it’s a dangerous thing to get into comparing oneself with others. The simple truth is we all use different measuring sticks, we all have different standards. But even beyond that, we are all unique and have differing gifts and abilities, none of our own making, because it is God who has done the gifting. The bible gives wisdom about the tendency to compare ourselves with others: …we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. Galatians 5:25b, The Message Translation.

Each of us is an original. How can we be measured in comparison with each other? As I write this, I realize it’s true. Yes, I wasted a lot of precious years. Yes, I have a mental illness. And yes, I have mishandled finances. But I have a wonderful long-term marriage, a precious and gifted son, loyal and loving friends. The more I think about it, the more I realize just what a successful life I have. I may be a late bloomer, but that’s just fine. By the grace of God, I can live the life he fashioned me to live and it’s his measurement of me that matters, and his alone.

The next message I receive from one of my old classmates, I will read and enjoy and not worry about how my life’s story measures up, because in God’s eyes, I am a success.

Looking Past the Stigma

I have mental illness. I am mentally ill. Both those statements are true about me, and they are jarring to read. The words mental illness conjures up stereotypes of raving lunatics, dangerous and scary. The sad truth is there is so much stigma and ignorance about mental illness. My mental illness is bipolar disorder and I know that many people don’t understand what it is and how it affects me and those around me. It is fear of the unknown that fosters the stigma that persists in spite of the education and information available to us. Most just don’t care to know about it. They live in the dark when it comes to mental illness and are oblivious to the suffering and needs of those who have mental illness.

I am not just a label, I am a person with gifts and dreams, heartaches and joys; I am someone made in the image of God. I have value and mental illness changes nothing about that. I am not dangerous. I am not a drain on society. I am able to do many of the same things others do because of those who have made it their life’s work to help, both through therapy and medications. I can be stable and productive as can most others with mental illness. But the stigma persists.

I’ve been told that I just need to stop thinking like I do. I just need to pray more or read my bible more. I just need to get a grip on things. I just need to snap out of it. The list goes on. If I could make the bipolar disorder go away, I would in a heartbeat. But my brain is different than other brains; CAT scans have shown this to be so. I cannot help it and neither can others who have a mental illness. I do pray, I do read my bible, I do try to pull myself up by my bootstraps, yet I still have mental illness.

I don’t think God is saying I don’t do enough, that if I just tried a little harder I’d be miraculously healed. I think he wants me to just trust him for what I need to live life fully as I am. There are paraplegics, diabetics, the blind and deaf, the list goes on, who are trusting God to be there for them, and they are thankful in spite of their difficulties. I seek the same. And if the stigma never ends, I know there is complete acceptance with him and with those who love me.

I write these things because I hope that by being open here, I will give a face to mental illness for the sake of others. Maybe in a small way I will have lessened some of the stigma. It’s worth the risk to me. And I will trust God that my life will not have been in vain, that the bipolar disorder will not define me as a person, but rather foster compassion and acceptance for those who need it. Stigma be damned.

God's Acceptance

One of the most painful things that can happen to us is rejection. It’s a stab in the heart, and depending on how close the relationship, it can be like a knife twisting, inflicting much damage and pain. I have been on the receiving end of rejection more times that I care to talk about. Each time, I felt the pain of the loss of relationship and love. It just hurt.

For whatever reasons, I sometimes do not measure up, or I do or say something that makes me undesirable afterward. Sometimes, I’ve not known the reason for rejection and that hurts in its own unique way. While rejection from those I want to forge a relationship with is hurtful, it’s not near as much pain as when I’ve entrusted my heart. I have a somewhat checkered past and am careful with whom I reveal details. I have lived to regret sharing some things because it led to rejection. Not always outright, but in more subtle ways: the cooling down of friendship intimacy, less communication and canceling of plans. It’s happened, and the pain is severe.

I think we’ve all experienced rejection and its pain. Everyone has been at both ends of rejection. It goes along with being human. We fail each other; we withdraw for a variety of reasons and in doing so, hurt people. The fact is as long as we open our hearts to other people, we are open to rejection. As the old adage goes, it’s not wise to put all your eggs in one basket, but it seems we often do so, sometimes to our great sorrow.

There is only one with whom I’ve been able to share all and not risk rejection. That one is God. His amazing acceptance has healed much from lost friendships and acquaintances. As much as I have fallen short, he has always extended the hand of grace, of love and whole hearted acceptance. He created me, who else is able to so completely understand my failings and shortcomings. Who else sees my longings and pain with eyes that probe deep within the heart and soul? I was fashioned for relationship, with other people and with him. When others fail, I can run to his open arms and find solace there.

God awaits all who seek true love. Love that does not fail, that does not reject when we don’t measure up. Love that compels an openness and authenticity that although is frightening at first, leads to a wholeness that restores joy at being freed to be who we are, made in his image. Rejection will touch all of us, but God’s love that never fails heals all wounds. All our eggs can safely go in his basket.

Relational Love

Relationships can be so messy. People fall in and out of love, riding the wave of passions and promises, sometimes keeping them, sometimes breaking them. Marriages, friendships, parents and children, coworkers, neighbors, relationships wax and all too often wane, never neatly and rarely do they do so without someone being hurt. It seems to be the way of people who form attachments, appearing inevitable, but that’s cold comfort to those who have been hurt.

How we view relationships and their stability or instability depends a lot on experience, often those from childhood. I won’t go into statistics or speculations about broken marriages and influences on developing children. I’m not really qualified to speak to it. I can only speak to the string of broken relationships I have had down through the years. Some I thought would never end because love seemed a sure thing, but where are those people now? Some I ended, having used a person up and just moved on. No apologies, just walked away.

What harm I have caused in my life, a tornado damaging all in its path. I have much to grieve and regret. But regardless of which end I was on, I suffered loss, and that is how it is for all of us. Whether we are left, or whether we do the leaving, there is loss. Even in relationships that really do need to end, abusive, extramarital, unhealthily codependent, there is still loss; loss of peace of mind, of hopes and dreams, of futures, of self image and sense of worth. Loss hurts.

To be honest, I’m not really sure why I am writing this. As far as I know, relationships in my life are intact, though some have been altered in the past year and that has affected me. Perhaps that is what has prompted this particular piece. I feel deeply for those I love. I don’t make statements of love lightly anymore. What I had called love for a long time was infatuation, sexual attraction, or need, none of which has a thing to do with love.

The simple truth is, I did not know what love was until I experienced the love of God. Faithfulness, concern, affection, constant, and endless are just a few attributes I only paid lip service to in my human definition of love. My expression had more to do with convenience and need, knowing I could always end a relationship that was no longer easy to maintain. Working to make something flourish was foreign. But that is exactly what God’s love does. In the light of his love, my own seems infantile because it is.

What relationships need is an infusion of the love of God that is beyond words, yet the bible does attempt to describe it in 1 Corinthians 13:

“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

This is longer than what I usually post, but for some reason I needed to say it. Maybe the simple message is that with God's kind of love, relationships can endure, and the pain of loss will no longer be suffered. Though it won't necessarily be easy, in fact, it will be work, all it takes is prayer and the love we need, God's love, is ours.

Simple Gifts, Boundless Blessings

Sometimes, it’s the small things that bless me the most. Oh, I have had some biggies this past year and I rejoiced greatly over them. But it’s wrong to overlook the simpler gifts God gives us. How easy it is to regard the very things we consider ordinary as just the way things are.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought everything on my list. But as I was paying for it, it never occurred to me to thank God that I had access to so much food, as well as the means to purchase it. Most of the world does not have such abundance, and even in our own country, there are many who would love to buy say, fresh fruit, and cannot because it’s too expensive.

I brought it all home and put it in a cold refrigerator, in an air conditioned house, filled with every kind of convenience. Did I think to thank God? No, the thought never crossed my mind. I have a good education, a great job that pays reasonably well, the means to buy most clothing and shoes I want, along with many other desires, above and beyond the basic needs of life. Yet, I thoughtlessly take them as commonplace things I acquire through my own efforts.

If I stop and truly think about it, the majority of people in the world do not even have access to the things we consider as ordinary, let alone the means to buy them. My middle class income and possessions are beyond their wildest dreams. My house is a small two bedroom “cracker box” house built 50 years ago. Certainly humble, but it’s a house, while thousands upon thousands of refugees do not even have tents. I turn on lights, I can shower daily and have all the clean water I want, I have transportation with a new car, things that the majority of people in the world can barely imagine.

My mother has prayed the same prayer of grace before eating for more years than I have lived: “Gracious heavenly Father, we thank you for this food. Teach us to be ever mindful of all the good things that come from your hands, and let us always have grateful hearts. In your name we pray, amen.” It is a simple prayer, but it is a prayer of thanksgiving that is certainly sweet to God’s ears.

I pray that I, too, will be taught to be mindful of all the good things, the simple things that God has blessed me with. And I pray for forgiveness that I have taken all I’ve been given for granted. The words from an old Shaker hymn sums it up: “Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be…” Where we ought to be is in the place of continual gratitude. I’m going to find my way there and hopefully stay there.

The Promise of Peace

I sit here fighting fatigue, ready to call it quits. I’ve had only three hours of sleep in the past twenty-seven, and I feel it. In fact, writing this is proving to be a difficult challenge, but I’m doing it anyway, hoping that something worthwhile will magically spring forth.

King David experienced extreme fatigue also from the efforts to survive the murderous actions of Saul as he pursued David for years. On the run, David endured deprivations, assaults, treachery, and rejections. God had promised David the kingdom of Israel, yet here he was an outcast running for his life. The promise of God seemed to be a hopeless dream. So, too, the promises of God for today sometimes seem to be out of our reach for any number of reasons.

Number one on my list for promises in this life is peace; peace of mind and of heart. That is what I desire more than anything, yet it seems to be lacking at times. I have often wondered why it comes and goes without external pressures and events. I could blame it all on the bipolar disorder, and that may be true sometimes. But I think there are others reasons why I sometimes have anxious feelings, even panic.

All too often, my thought life is the real culprit. I start dwelling on fears, real and imagined and peace flies out the window. I worry about events that may not even have a basis in reality, fretting over projected tragedies. My son is in the Army and my greatest fear is his dying at the hands of those who hate him and what he represents. It violently tears away any peace of mind I might have had up to that point. I worry about what might happen to my husband or friends and family. I latch onto unfounded fears and lose the peace of God instantly, and if I continue thinking along those lines, I become agitated and emotionally distraught. All because I began to doubt that God is always there, and regardless of what might happen or not, his promise of peace that passes all understanding is temporarily lost.

Is because he has failed to keep his promise to me? No, nothing has changed on his end. It’s there, I know because I have experienced it many times. It’s just that I step away from it and what I want the most in life slips from my grasp. Peace that abides no matter what life throws at me. Peace that remains if the worst really should happen. Peace that keeps my heart and mind through all things, and peace I can share as I live in it and with it, even in the fog of fatigue.

David did become king. God kept his promise. Peace is mine, though at times I might lose its wonderful presence. This I pray, that the peace of God, the promise he gives, would guard hearts and minds even in the most stressful circumstances. It’s a promise God keeps, this deep down I truly know.

The High Price of Shame

I’m not sure there is anything that tears at the heart and soul like shame. According to the bible, the first thing Adam and Eve felt after eating the forbidden fruit was shame. In other words, it has always been a part of the human condition and it is one of the most terrible of emotions, one that has the power to destroy those who live with it.

I’ve heard it said that feelings are neutral, it’s how we express or not express them that matters. But I have to say shame is definitely an exception. It slowly consumes joy and peace, distorts the personality, and cuts us off from others, and ultimately, God. Shame drives us to hide because we fear rejection and judgment. It is a devastating pain that aches deep within the mind. The terrible truth is suicides have been attempted or successfully committed because of the despair of shame.

I have lived in the grip of shame at times. For years I lived with regret and shame over past sins, ones that I believed were worse than those of others. Somehow, my actions, thoughts and words were unforgivable. And even when I finally understood I was forgiven, the shame lingered on, eating away at my peace of mind like a cancer. I only had brief respites from the anguish that is shame. Just when I felt I had shaken off its chains, I would be shackled again by some sort of trigger, reminding me of a checkered past I am powerless to change.

This was not God’s intent when he created within us a conscience. And the most treasured all written moral codes, the Ten Commandments, was never intended to cause shame. The intent was to prevent shame by laying down the ground rules that, when followed, causes us to live in peace with all, including God. But we fail and in doing so, either seek forgiveness or hide in shame. God’s amazing grace is showered in the former, and grieves over the latter.

I still wrestle with shame on occasion. For me, it’s a conditioned response from years of unfortunate practice. It’s like a heavy, mildewed overcoat that I will slip into now and then. I’ll wear it around inhaling the vile odor, but leave it on because I feel I deserve it because of my past. Jesus came to take the coat off me, and really has done so, it’s just that I dig around for it and when I find it, I put it back on. He hasn’t failed me at all. He did remove it, but it’s still around so I can make a choice: trust God’s forgiveness or live tormented by false shame. Slowly, I am learning to trust. The coat just doesn’t fit anymore.

Diary of a Mad Woman

I don’t normally write in a diary entry fashion, but today I will because the past two weeks have been hellish for me. Manic then depressed, back and forth. Panic, anxiety, it’s been a horrid time and I frankly have come close to just giving up on ever being stable again. A hopelessness that was becoming stronger as each day passed. In spite of the medications I take, I was getting very little sleep.

I finally had a meltdown at work and got extremely angry at a coworker for a minor incident. I left work early and was given permission to take off a day for my mental health. I had hoped to regroup, but I was still anxious and like a powder keg that could explode if not handled carefully. I snapped at a patron and was generally miserable. I called my psychiatrist and she decided to make a change in dosage of a particular medication I take that she felt was triggering the mania and the subsequent downward spiral that happens after an episode. Fortunately, this change appears to be working because I am feeling more stable, just in time for my son’s week at home.

I have been unable to go to church the whole time because I simply would not be able to lie and say I was fine when asked, and I do not wish for the general members to know I am bipolar. What would I say, “I feel hopeless and crazy”? So, I have just been in my survival mindset. It’s all I have been able to do.

Although many times I cannot pray for myself when I get into a place like this, I did. It’s probably the main reason why I kept putting one foot in front of the other, when all I wanted to do was simply give up; that and the faithful prayers of those who knew how much I was struggling. It seems when I am at my lowest, God feels nowhere to be found. Yet, he is a constant presence in my life. I accept this by faith because I have been keenly aware of him at other times. By faith, I believe I have not been abandoned. If I did, the urge to give up would become unbearable and I would act on it. I have before, just without success. But I believe that failure was God’s intervention as well.

I still do not understand mental illness in my life. The why goes unanswered—for now. Like Job, I am humbled by God and his incredible vastness. But it’s mind boggling that the Creator even considers me. Though I may in the dark for now, I know I am loved beyond all capacity to receive. Maybe it isn’t hopeless after all.